Bad acting. Horrible story. Non-existent direction. Unecessary male ass shots. What do you get? Perfection. Perfection that is, if you are perusing the gay porn section of your local video store.... or Fletch's dvd collection. Actually this recipe of fine ingredients when combined with love and care give you Bloodsport, the film that launched Jean Claude Van Damme to super stardom, and excited men around the world.

Bloodsport chronicles the real life story of American martial artist Frank Dux (played by Van Damme.... which of course makes sense.... Dux is the only American I've ever met with a thick Belgian accent ..... I do know of several American's with strong Austrian accents however) who traveled to the Far East and layed a serious ass whooping on everyone. Dux enters the Kumite, which is a brutal underground tournament located in Hong Kong (at least this year.... I think the Kumite is like the Olympics and may travel to different cities.... I could be an idiot though.....yeah, go with the second choice, it's a safe bet) that pits the best fighters in the world against one another.... essentially a 1970s version of today's Ultimate Fighting Challenge.

The United States Army for some reason that is never made clear doesn't want Dux to compete in the tournament, so he is pursued by some old guy and Forest Whitaker for the entirety of the film. I'm not certain whether to annoint Whitaker with the Ironside Agenda (which he clearly is in this movie), or the Aniston Effect (good case for that one as well), but he is definitely out of his element in this film. By far the best actor in this film, he was also Cuba Goodinged, Pearl Harbor style in that he has the smallest part in this film. Making Bloodsport must have been the most tedious experience of his life..... like shitting out a pineapple.

The only other actor of note is of course Donald Gibb, who plays Ray Jackson. Gibb is most remembered for his role as Ogre in the Revenge of the Nerds series, and of course Bloodsport 2, to a lesser extent.

Bloodsport does manage to eventually get to the meat and potatoes (or cock and balls) of the matter after several massive flashbacks (one of the flashbacks includes a montage that last for 20 minutes!), and blatantly unecessary Van DAMN!!, and tour of Hong Kong inner reflection montage (I fucking hate those.... they are worse than the falling in love montages.... montages in general should stick to training sequences....everything else makes me want to throw grenades at school buses). When you remove all of the bullshit, Bloodsport contains some pretty sweet fight scenes which shows a variety of martial art styles contrasting one another. Some really cool, some blatantly ridiculous.

In the end Dux (Van Damme) kicks the shit out of everyone with little or no difficulty, even Chong Li who is the 'villian' for lack of better term in this film. It's obvious the two will meet in the finals of the competition and even blinded by Li (he tosses some powder in Dux's eyes during the match, which amazingly no one in the arena sees), Dux still kicks his ass. This is the second movie where Van Damme shows off his impressive flexibility and does several splits throughout, further cementing the move as his calling card.

If you are looking for great action, and no acting.... Bloodsport is the movie for you. If you are looking for boatloads of half nekkid men, sweating and rolling around on a giant mattress in full of view of 1000 people.... this movie is deinitely for you.

Hamlin Grade: 5

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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