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Snatch is nothing more than the screenplay from Pulp Fiction reshot and recast with a bunch of English assholes. At least I think they were English. Honestly I couldn't understand a fucking word they said the entire film, so really I don't have a clue what the story is about. I just heard it was a Pulp Fiction rip off so I'm towing that line. It did have a lot of stinky English in it though. That much I'm certain of. Snatch sucked, and it should have had subtitles.
Hamlin Grade: 1
Timothy Dalton is the one true American James Bond,
As you know I frequently travel the world, going from location to location creating one cinematic masterpiece after another. My journey's often bring me face to face with a variety of different specimens.... some wonderful, others interesting, and unfortunately most deserving of my ire.
While in a pub of sorts, after ordering my refreshment I noticed a peculiar phenomenon. This bartender was a cunt. He carried an attitude as though he had been knighted by the very queen herself, which he most assuredly had not. Then, I thought on it for a moment, and realized that this was not a phenomenon but rather a condition of all bartenders. Yes. You are all cunts.
Bartenders serve alcohol to their patrons and for some reason think they are gods walking among men. My friends, you are no different than the young lad who furnishes me with my large order of chips at McDonald's. Bartenders are a breed that are always on their way to another career..... 'I'm just doing this job till I finish my screenplay', or 'When my pilot is picked up, I'll be moving on'. No one aspires to be a bartender, and if you are the lone individual who has.... way to shoot for the stars mate. No, all of you bartenders who believe you are on your way to something better, and carry the persona and attitude of someone exceedingly more succesful, interesting, and talented than yourselves..... should realize now.... that you are nothing but cunts.
When that unfinished screenplay falls to the wayside, and you are rocketing towards your 40th birthday.... realize not only that you are a bartender for life, but a cunt as well. And ladies, yes the bartenders until you become full time actresses, you are also cunts. There was a time when men flirted with you, not because you were attractive, but because they wanted their bloody beverage in a rapid and timely manner. Now everything about you says past her prime. Your bartending skills have been honed to a razor's edge, but your acting skills or lack there of, never landed you a part (aside from a small role in a slasher film which forced you display your surgically enhanced bristols rather than your modest thespian abilities) and so you have evolved into a leather faced, hickory carved gargoyle.... or better still, a cunt.
So get me my drink, and be quick about it cunts.
This is the word of Caine.
There are inspirational movies that come across only one time in your life and truly define your existance for being. A movie that answers all the essential questions to what the meaning of life is, very few films have tapped such a nerve but American Kickboxer 2 offers a thesis of what brilliant is all about, starting with the world's greastest actor. The man who's charisma and acting talent stunningly recalls a potentional that even oscar talent cannot establish. In other words the performance of Dale "Apollo" Cook is truly what defines the measure of a thespian. Why just sample his opening sequence. Which starts with Dale running in a pink shirt, with a pistol. He quickly gets his gun knocked out of his hands but he thankfully he knows how to kickbox and therefore he beats up three Filipino thugs who are supposed to pass for American. The Apollo's sparkling conversation is only the tip of the iceberg as he says to his partner.
"What's wrong, the hard work's over!" (Obviously not given that he's going to have to file paper work for beating the crap out of three suspects when they were pursuing only one) The partner's reply is equal in astonishment.
"You're not Dirty Goddamn Harry, and you're not making my goddamn day! You pull this lone ranger shit again and you can say goodbye to Tonto!"
"Alright Tonto calm down, me and dickhead are going for a little walk!" This clearly defines that 'The Apollo' is a plays by his own rules cop and given that he wears pink shirts, he's obviously got something to prove. And before you can say Macho Man, just remember one of the Village People was a cop. Anyway this is our first kickboxing protagonists in this greek mythology that is depicted in the 90 minutes of American Kickboxer 2.
When we are introduced to the second kickboxing protagonist, we learn that he is a true lady's man and I believe him, any man who can score dates with that grotesque mullet, is someone who indeed has game. We witness the man's entrance as he rides a motorcycle and then we meet him as teaches karate to a slew of students. And how does he conduct his class? By beating up everything that moves except for the shorthaired hot chick (Well I think she's hot, I was pretty drunk when I saw this) because he plans on fucking her, and we all know that bruised women aren't as fun to screw as the non-bruised. Although Jean-Claude Van Damme, Steven Seagal and Sasha Mitchell would argue different. We witness how brilliant this man is because he uses "Chinese balls" to relax and it's here we witness more excellent dialog.
Woman:What are you doing?
The Maleviolent Mullet: Chinese Balls it's very relaxing. Woman I know what's also relaxing. (She gets naked, cue the saxaphone score)
This is our other kickboxing protagonist.
So what brings our two high kicking protagonists together? Well it all happens like this. It's another day in paradise as Porn star, irritating moppet (who is porn star's daughter) and Tackleberry are by the poolside. Porn star is in a tight bathing suit jumping in a pool, while Tackleberry watches, then Tackleberry goes in the house to make a drink. (Always a good idea, no matter what time it is) and here Porn Star follows him and tells him how great of a father he is, Tackleberry turns on the blender and starts making out with Porn Star while the moppet goes into the pool to get her artwork, then all of a sudden a helicopter sneaks in (Because after all Helicopters make no noise whatsoever) and a Fillipino jumps down and snatches the irritating moppet, while her horrified parents start screaming. It goes something like this.
Tackleberry: Call the police (but not Steve Guttenberg...)
Porn star: Sobbing uncontrollably (laughably unconvincing) Suzie...
Genre favorite according to the screener: She's been just been kidnapped (I don't think anyone debates that) so you have time for me now!
Tackleberry: Tell him you can't talk, we have to call the police.
Porn Star: Who are you?
Genre favorite: Put me on a speakphone, and tell your husband to SHUT UP! I want two million dollars, call the police or don't pay and you'll get Suzie back in little pieces, have a nice day!
So the our two kickboxing protagonists, The Apollo and Maleviolent Mullet team up to save our irritating moppet. Oh and one of them is the father. We by the way never find out who the father is, so we'll have to wait for the sequel which has Apollo and Maleviolent Mullet on the Maury show. However even though everything here is pretty much straight forward there are some brilliant scenes that require further analysis.
Prison sequence: The Maleviolent mullet finds himself in prison for impersonating The Apollo, he also pisses off the arresting officer so the A.O leaves the maleviolent mullet is still handcuffed in the prison, thus we meet the most hilarious sequence. An obvious Fillipino who is passing for Mexican talking in a very bad Mexican accent starts this sequence off with energetic greatness. The guy's name is Pollo Loco This is what is said
Pollo Loco: BUBBA!!! HA HA HA HA HA, You turn me on homes, you even make my beard hard. (Looks over at a couple old white fat guys) You want to take his place! I'm so hard and I don't care who I stick it to, i'd rather have you my glorious machaco, Call to your mother!"
Old fat guys: "Your crazy Willy!"
Pollo Loco: That's me! I'm Pollo Loco, and my pollo is going up you collo! (To the maleviolent mullet) Bubba!
Another Fillipino thug: Hey dude you got bigger tits than girlfriend!
Random Black guy: He's got a real nice butt!
A fight sequence occurs with Maleviolent mullet kicking everyone's ass and then coming after Pollo Loco, who is so scared that he runs himself into a wall. (On purpose) Suffice to say this guarantees that this is the best thing ever.
More silliness occurs but I really don't want to give it away. Let me end it by saying American Kickboxer 2 is, well I can't because no language or science can describe such a movie. It simply is the pinnacle of greatness, I mean what can be said about other nuggets of dialog like To Wit:
"Your ass is grass, yeah and were the lawnmowers!"
"The only peace you care about is the one swinging between your legs!"
"You fucked my wife, you think it would've hurt me any less if you would've kicked the shit out of me!"
"I don't change, and my little phoebe don't change!" (Oh yeah I forgot about the gay uncle)
"What is this shit? Professional wrestling!"
and Ted "Genre favorite" Markland who beats a guy to death with a tonfa, with an expression of such hilarity that it just begs to be seen.
By the way, our Porn Star mom, comes up with the money to pay the ransom by paying 20 million dollars to her gay uncle, who only has to put in 1 million dollars. There are many ways to raise money for ransoms, this is the only one I never would've thought of. And two kickboxing heroes who constantly take time out and kick each other's asses. American Kickboxer 2 is grotesquely, insanely, relentlessly surreal. With moments of true epic genius. If you want to laugh your ass off for 90 minutes straight, grab this sucker, get drunk, get high and let the laughter flow.
Hamlin Grade: 10
If anything, American Kickboxer 1 is the only movie in history to feature "1" in the title. Of course the explanation is that not-unlike a prophecy foretold, American Kickboxer 2's brilliance was documented by this movie. Okay, let me put it this way, for years people were waiting for the answer to the meaning of life, how we got here, what life is really about, why we die and what is the purpose of our existance and in 1990 we demanded some answers, not to disappoint us, the man upstairs delivered some of the answers disguised as American Kickboxer 2 and to prove a sign for the foreshadowing of answers to come, this movie wasn't labeled "American Kickboxer" because such a thing would not cause much of a ruckus among religious groups, but American Kickboxer + 1= American Kickboxer 1 which translates into the foretelling of the paradise ahead.
However American Kickboxer 1 isn't the ball of sunshine that American Kickboxer 2 is, because there's no Apollo, Dale Apollo Cook that is, and with out the god of sunshine, this only serves as a biblical reminder of what came afterwards.
The plot (I use the word hesitantly) is just plain stupid. We have John Barrett who not only was in Gymkata (Yakmallah!) but also in American Ninja 3. So with that one-two punch it's really surprising he got this role in the first place and it becomes quite apparent that he's secretly gay. His girlfriend looks like a man with a low pitched voice and decidedly manly features but then again though, Barrett is hardly a looker, he somehow comes off looking like an even punch drunker version than Sly Stallone in Rocky V and what's even worse is that he insists on wearing zubas, while waxing up his chest, and spending way too much time with his kickboxing buddy (Keith Vitali, who I interviewed!) who talks really high pitched and really you can barely tell the difference between the kickboxing buddy and the girlfriend, maybe Barrett just got confused, he also drinks a lot, and i'm willing to bet that anyone drunk would confuse the two. Although there is not enough beer in the world to make the girlfriend attractive, and trust me when I'm drunk enough, even K.D Lang is fuckable. Although the doctors advise me never to get that drunk again.
Anywho the main opponent is Jacque Denard, he's supposed to be french and I know I'm spelling his name wrong, but he's french so fuck him all the same. He's supposed to be a badass kickboxer but he looks too much like George Michael, the fact that he wears pink underwear over his blue spandex which doesn't help us convince us that he's a really tough guy. He also gets up on stage and yells for the audience to "kiss his butt".
American Kickboxer 1 spends most of the time showing us John Barrett thinking about where life went wrong, I myself watch movies to escape from doing so, therefore this ripple effect gets me to admit defeat along with our hero making me sad, oh another shot of Jim Beam, don't mind if I do. Anyway there isn't enough fighting and it's lame to expect us to sit through this, with barely any action to enjoy. He's also pondering his meaningless existance (Don't worry American Kickboxer 2 is on the way...) because of the manslaughter charge, in which he killed an innocent bystander who breaks up two professional fighters. I'm not one to say anything but ridiciulously dense do you have to be to do such a thing, I mean your I.Q level is obviously below Alvin George, a new term invented to describe a level below clinically retarded. Still who does this? Of course the question is who watches this stuff sober, I'm happy to report that i'm innocent on all charges.
Then there are those fight scenes in which George Michael and John Barrett engage in a mediocre showdown which has tons of slow motion, no real sense of martial arts style (It's no Kickboxer) and it lacks the sense of stupid action that was contained in the classic American Ninja (Fuck anyone on COF, who hates it, you all can shove pollos up your collos!) so with that we have crap that paved it's way for the movie that really helped us learn what life is all about.
Other unintentional humor? Well for one when John Barrett trains, a song called "He's A Man" plays which has the lyrics "He's a man, yeah he's a man, yeah he's a man!" and this is meant to embrace that he is well, a man. Of course whenever I decide to show everyone that i'm a man it gets me thrown in jail. What the fuck does Barrett have that I don't? I mean i'm most likely a better actor and I wasn't in Gymkata, so where's my power ballad? Oh yeah, George Thurgood's One Burboun, One Scotch and One Beer doesn't exactly make for the best kickboxing tunes.
Anyway American Kickboxer 1 is stupid, somewhat funny, somewhat boring and somewhat watchable in a silly bad movie type of way.
Hamlin Grade: 3.5
The Patriot is a terrible, terrible movie. It combines millions of dollars of production and mashes them into a collection of massive egos, and spreads it across the screen like a celluloid miscarriage. In an almost templatized format, The Patriot essentially takes the Oscar Winning (I say that as if it even matters) Braveheart, reconditions it for the time period, and throws it back out the door (I know that joke has been done to death, but it is, what it is). It all comes down to money, and The Patriot is nothing more than Braveheart with a paint job.... and the same number of stinky English.
The Patriot while containing some outstandingly bad performances from Mel Gibson, Heath Ledger, Adam Baldwin, the gay English dude on the horse that kills Gibson's kids (I had to specify, because saying gay English guy may have confused you), Adam Baldwin, the fat racist guy from ER, the French guy (actually he's quite good.... playing a French asshole.... maybe cuz he's from France?), the Nip Tuck chick (who is neither attractive, nor able to act), the babe who Heath Ledger show's interest in, the Lord Cornwallis guy (i love the way he says 'that is a separate issue .... Isew.... Isuee...so pompous), and the fat, deaf, one legged guy. The Patriot should really have been called the Gibson. He takes advantage of every aspect of the Costner Club by not only making this movie flexes past the 3 hour boundary, and whenever possible show us constant close ups of Mel Gibson. Mel is also sporting a fine 'Ichabod Crane' (the school teacher from the Legend of Sleepy Hollow for the unread retards out there) version of the Melmet.
Yes the Patriot is a disaster, but it does succeed in one way. It highlights a fact that is celebrated every July 4th. The fact that America kicked the shit out of you Brits baby! Yep, we fucked you up. The greatest super power of that time, marched in perfect order upon our shores in their fancy white wigs, crisp, freshly pressed red blazers, and got their asses handed to them by a bunch of farmers. Gentlemen? Perhaps. Naval superiority? Maybe. Country of pussies that couldn't get the job done. Absolutely.
I know it stings. I bet you put the Patriot on and just watch the first 30 minutes, and turn it off as you cry into your tea hoping for an extended director's cut that will show a deleted scene or an alternate ending displaying a British victory. There's not enough money in Hollywood to showcase that fiction my friends. The Patriot rocks because we are American! Just like Jesus.
Hamlin Grade: 6
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond (and he kicks ass because he's American!),
Yo Adrien I lost!
Sylvester Stallone returns as Rocky Balboa, in Rocky Balboa in what is hopefully the final installment of the Rocky franchise. In some brilliant strokes, Rocky Balboa improves upon the original story in many ways. Firstly, Adrien is dead. Thank goodness. For whatever reason, Talia Shire does not return to reprise her role as the retard turned empowered woman, perhaps because she had a conflict playing a phychiatrist on the Geico commercials. Regardless of the reasons, the bitch isn't in this one, and while it offers some somber moments of Rocky remembering fondly the times he shared with her, it gives the rest of us nothing but pure joy that she is absent. Another huge positive. Rocky V is completely ignored! Brilliant! Never thought I'd see that one, but the Rocky franchise utilized the Quickening principle, and executed it perfectly.... pretending that part 5 never existed! Outstanding!
Rocky Balboa is a little tedious in the beginning as it follows the retired boxer who is now a restaurant owner (the place is called Adrien's), and he spends his time pining for his dead wife, who passed from the woman cancer (in other words, got a job doing Geico ads). The current heavy weight champion Mason 'The Line' Dixon, is going through his own trials, as he is hated by the public even though he's never lost a professional match. Rocky Balboa apparently draws some comparisons to the current boxing community as it's popularity is waning. Dixon, can't understand why he's so unpopular when he's never lost a fight.
ESPN, broadcasts a virtual fight between Dixon and Balbo that simulates what a match between a boxer of yester-year and today would be like. Balbo wins the on-screen video game fight, and sets the wheels in motion for the final battle of this film. A few agents talk, throw in a couple of should I, or shouldn't I conversations, an argument with the son, some supportive words from the girlfriend, an embrace, the mandatory training montage and we are ready to go.
The funniest thing about Rocky Balboa, is that a 60 year old man is in way better shape than a man half his age. Dixon (played by Antonio Tarver, a real life boxer) has flabby little titties and a gut. Stallone is ripped. Is there a problem here? Anyway, we get the typical Rocky fight, see the entire first round, then a montage of the next 8, and then the entire 10th round. Rocky loses on a decision, and Dixon (we assume) gains some credibility for standing toe to toe for with a formidable opponent for the first time. Rocky waves goodbye to the crowd (and I guess us) for the final time.... it was hard to tell because my eyes were so full of tears at this point.... not because the movie was so emotional, but because I was holding a piss for so long, I couldn't take it.
If I were to really describe Rocky Balboa to someone, the best I could give it is an 'Eh'. Not bad, not great, and not Rocky V. So take that for what it's worth..... the funny thing is that this is the foreshadowing of another Rambo movie.... how great is that gonna be. No seriously.
Hamlin Grade: 4
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
Kevin Costner, and Ashton Kutcher, two of Hollywood's greats (both veteran and newcomer) join forces to pay tribute to the unsung heroes of the United States Coast Guard, in the Guardian.
Costner plays Ben Randall, a highly decorated rescue swimmer who patrols the waters of Northern Alaska and routinely saves the lives of fishermen and boating enthusiasts by plucking them from the icy cold waters. Randall is a master of his craft, and Costner a master of his, as he perfectly portrays the experience and knowledge of this seasoned veteran. Randall while on a mission to save some fishermen, ends up having to rescue himself. Debris from the downed vessel is propelled into his crew's helicopter and all aboard are killed except for his friend. Randall fight's to keep them both alive, but his crew mate and best friend perishes while waiting the night for their own rescue.
Put on leave due to his injuries, Randall is asked to teach the next class at 'A' School, which is the Coast Guard's equivalent to Navy Seals training. Costner once again at his best, and shows us again why he is one of the greatest actors working today. Among his class of raw recruits is standout Jake Fischer (played by standout actor Ashton Kutcher) who excells at virtually every aspect of the school's training, except for one. Team work.
It turns out that both Randall and Fischer share a nightmarish past and have both lost loved ones, and more importantly team members. Their common bond slowly forms the foundation for an uneasy relationship but eventually the master and the student become like father and son. The exchanges between Costner and Kutcher throughout are nothing short of perfection.... they make you laugh, cheer, and in some cases move you to tears. The Guardian is all about acting and story my friends.
Like most movies involving military style themes, the Guardian provides relentless action, suspense, and thrills, and shares with you the tedious training that the Coast Guard rescue swimmers must endure in order to not only graduate but succeed at their chosen position. What separates the Guardian from other films, is the performances of the cast, most notably again, Coster and Kutcher who are at their best throughout. One of the greatest things about Costner is how he is able to put his ego aside time and again to showcase the story rather than himself.... a trait all too common in Hollywood these days. It is clear that his goal during the production of the Guardian was making sure the picture came first.... much like every other project he's been involved with in his amazing career.
I'm just fucking with you. This movie blew ass.
Hamlin Grade: 3
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
Bad Movie Knight's favorite Michael Pare returns.... for quite possibly the last time ever (especially following this mess) in the sci -fi action thriller Moon 44! The only problem was that the sci-fi was extremely low budget (remember the Battlestar Galactica TV show where they re-used the same space battle sequences over and over again? Same shit here, except instead of a variety of shots, there are two. The same explosion over and over again. The helicopter / jet / space ship things also look like they fly on strings..... ok I'm tangentizing), there was no action to be found..... and I am far from thrilled.
Ok let me give you the quick plot (my spine aches just typing that) from Moon 44. The year is 2038 (I'm paraphrasing from that narrative text that was displayed at the film's opening.), and the Earth has been mined out, so we travel into space to lay claim to new planets, moons, blah blah in search of minerals. Corporations wage war against one another to take over these mineral rich planets.... which brings us to Moon 44.
The moon (44 that is.... don't want you to confuse it with 43) is the last mining facility controlled by a large corporation (the name escapes me) and is in danger of being lost to a hostile takeover by another corporation (also, escaping me) ..... however the situation is so dangerous that pilots have refused to travel there and protect the facility. The corporation in a last ditch effort decides to offer prisoners reduced sentences in exchange for their service in protection of the mining facility as copter pilots. Are you as bored as I am right now? No bullshit, this text you are reading is infinitely more exciting than the film.
There is also a conspiracy occurring on Moon 44, where mining and copters are being hijacked. Felix Stone (played by Michael Pare) an Internal Affairs officer is sent in undercover with the prisoners to uncover this fiendish plot and put a stop to it. The prisoners are immediately teamed up with navigators (who in this case are a group of young hackers.... boys.... UMMMM, who's brilliant idea was this? Well the prisoners are instantly salivating). Moon 44 goes from science fiction to prison film. The prisoners and navigators have an uneasy relationship throughout the film, and of course with any prison flick, there is a rape scene, a retaliation, a hanging, another retaliation, a beating, threats, unecessary shower room nudity (although that was kinda hot), more retaliation.... and it goes on forever. It's so easy to get lost in the story, because it's so fucking boring.
Stone and his navigator Tyler (played by Dean Devlin) have this bizarre relationship which dances the fine line between brotherly love and angry, caramel covered, man on man ass wrestling. These two are the most amazingly bad actors I've ever seen. Why the director and casting agent thought it would be a brilliant idea to pit them together in some of Moon 44's more pivotal scenes is baffling. If there was a reverse Ironside Agenda, these two would win it hands down. Pare's acting style is so unique. His goal in every scene is to spit his lines out as quickly as possible in an even and unwavering tone that displays little to no emotion. He sounds like the voiceover from a GPS at times. Devlin is amazingly bad, but at least the lad tries.....
Moon 44 is actually a nice jaunt back into the realm of the bad movie. I've been reviewing blockbusters (that term is used loosely) lately, so it was welcome to see a film so shitty. Bad acting, horrible special effects, and a story that combines the worst stereotypes and scenarios stolen from other films combine to bring you horrible pile of bear cum. Moon 44. It sucks! That being said, it's perfect for your next bad movie night!
Hamlin Grade: 5.5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
William Shatner is without question one of the finest gifts we have ever received from our Canadian brothers (Celine Dion being one of the other treasures ladeled upon us from the Great White North), and he is a gift that continues to bear fruit. Except when he chooses to get behind the camera. Shatner strength has always been in getting quality face time, but wearing the hats of both thespian and director have proved to be a disaster. The movie that Shat, shat upon? Star Trek V.
Star Trek III : The Search for Spock, and Star Trek IV : The Voyage Home, followed up on the success and the story of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. Brilliantly directed by Leonard Nimoy, episodes III and IV are second only to the Wrath of Khan, but rather than encapsulate the films, Nimoy's version of the franchise, continue the adventure of these beloved characters..... damn I sound like a fucking loser.
Thinking he could do as good a job as Nimoy, Shatner took on the mantle of director for Star Trek V : The Final Fronter, a massive error in judgement. While the concept and story were interesting, the direction and production values of this film dropped off dramatically. There was a level of cheese in this movie not seen since the 60's television series.
Star Trek V : The Final Fronter introduces us to Spock's long lost brother Sybok. Sybok was for lack of better word, banished from Vulcan for not following their tradition of logic but rather embracing his emotions. Love! Spock had another brother, who was lesser known. His name was Cock. He was a Vulcan rapist. Spock, Sybok and Cock. One big happy family.
Spock's gay brother emerges after years with a healing ability to remove people's pain... a regret that they carry. Sybok through vigourous massage and shouting (and I think some genital manipulation) is able to release (release being the key word) this 'pain' and the subject in question is now happy (and entitled to a cigarette). They also become an instant disciples of the man (why not, he just jacked them off). Sybok through a clever hostage hoax manages to take over the Enterprise. His goal.... to reach Heaven, or in this case the Final Frontier.
Star Trek V : The Final Fronter really sucks. This movie is fucking awful, from beginning, till about 5 minutes from the end. I am a huge Star Trek fan, and an even bigger Captain Kirk and William Shatner fan, but this movie is downright painful. However it does have a saving grace. As I said this movie is crap until the very end..... when Captain Kirk meets God (or what appears to be God). The fucking balls on this guy. Only Kirk would mouth off to the almighty, and mouth off he does.
"What does God want with a starship!?"
When asked by this God if Kirk doubts him, CK retorts with...
"I seek proof!"
Then when asked who Kirk is.....
"Aren't you GOD?!?? DON"T YOU KNOW!!!"
HUUUUGE fucking balls! This final few minutes practically saves this entire train wreck (and I even give it extra Hamlins because of this exchange)..... but not quite. Although, just hearing Shatner act is always priceless, this movie is like taking a 3 mile long shit..... it just goes on forever. I recommend jumping to the final scene..... and renaming the film Star Trek V: The Final Chapter. The Final Frontier it is not.... unless we are referring to Shatner's career as a director..... which should be the last time that is tried.
Hamlin Grade: 4.5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
Bad acting. Horrible story. Non-existent direction. Unecessary male ass shots. What do you get? Perfection. Perfection that is, if you are perusing the gay porn section of your local video store.... or Fletch's dvd collection. Actually this recipe of fine ingredients when combined with love and care give you Bloodsport, the film that launched Jean Claude Van Damme to super stardom, and excited men around the world.
Bloodsport chronicles the real life story of American martial artist Frank Dux (played by Van Damme.... which of course makes sense.... Dux is the only American I've ever met with a thick Belgian accent ..... I do know of several American's with strong Austrian accents however) who traveled to the Far East and layed a serious ass whooping on everyone. Dux enters the Kumite, which is a brutal underground tournament located in Hong Kong (at least this year.... I think the Kumite is like the Olympics and may travel to different cities.... I could be an idiot though.....yeah, go with the second choice, it's a safe bet) that pits the best fighters in the world against one another.... essentially a 1970s version of today's Ultimate Fighting Challenge.
The United States Army for some reason that is never made clear doesn't want Dux to compete in the tournament, so he is pursued by some old guy and Forest Whitaker for the entirety of the film. I'm not certain whether to annoint Whitaker with the Ironside Agenda (which he clearly is in this movie), or the Aniston Effect (good case for that one as well), but he is definitely out of his element in this film. By far the best actor in this film, he was also Cuba Goodinged, Pearl Harbor style in that he has the smallest part in this film. Making Bloodsport must have been the most tedious experience of his life..... like shitting out a pineapple.
The only other actor of note is of course Donald Gibb, who plays Ray Jackson. Gibb is most remembered for his role as Ogre in the Revenge of the Nerds series, and of course Bloodsport 2, to a lesser extent.
Bloodsport does manage to eventually get to the meat and potatoes (or cock and balls) of the matter after several massive flashbacks (one of the flashbacks includes a montage that last for 20 minutes!), and blatantly unecessary Van DAMN!!, and tour of Hong Kong inner reflection montage (I fucking hate those.... they are worse than the falling in love montages.... montages in general should stick to training sequences....everything else makes me want to throw grenades at school buses). When you remove all of the bullshit, Bloodsport contains some pretty sweet fight scenes which shows a variety of martial art styles contrasting one another. Some really cool, some blatantly ridiculous.
In the end Dux (Van Damme) kicks the shit out of everyone with little or no difficulty, even Chong Li who is the 'villian' for lack of better term in this film. It's obvious the two will meet in the finals of the competition and even blinded by Li (he tosses some powder in Dux's eyes during the match, which amazingly no one in the arena sees), Dux still kicks his ass. This is the second movie where Van Damme shows off his impressive flexibility and does several splits throughout, further cementing the move as his calling card.
If you are looking for great action, and no acting.... Bloodsport is the movie for you. If you are looking for boatloads of half nekkid men, sweating and rolling around on a giant mattress in full of view of 1000 people.... this movie is deinitely for you.
Hamlin Grade: 5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
Been working so hard - at a feed store, shirtless....yeah that's hot
I'm punching my card - I'm off work yay! Now I can dance around my Volkswagon Beetle in an abandoned warehouse! Fucking Sweet! Borderline gay as well.
Eight hours. For what? - for money you dumb hick, oh sorry forgot, you're from the big city of Chicago ain't ya Ren!?! Ren?! Who the hell named your ass, and thought lets move to a small town that makes the one in Brokeback Mountain look tolerant?
Oh, tell me what I got - great hair Bacon. great fuckin' hair
I've got this feeling - yeah, that's called questioning your sexuality
That time's still holding me down - much like Chuck, who prefers to take his sex in a manner some might define as RAPE!
I'll hit the ceiling - well you held your dance in the crawl space of a feed store....5 foot ceilings are not beneficial for jumping....especially the way Chris Penn dances.
Or else I'll tear up this town - I would too. This town is nothing short of a Klu Klux Klan factory. Tear that shit up Ren! TEAR IT UP!
Now I gotta cut - Wha? You kinda mailed that line in Kenny.
Loose, footloose - perhaps one way to describe Ariel (Lori Singer, brother of Marc Singer the Beastmaster himself.... and for the record, I'd bed him before her)
Kick off your Sunday shoes - again a description of Ariel.... that lil whore
Please, Louise - who the hell is this bitch?
Pull me offa my knees - now yer getting it Ren!
Jack, get back - Jack was obviously one of Chuck's redneck's friends who was easily dispatched by one of Ren's special karate kicks (or dance moves, your call)
C'mon before we crack - I think I already have boys
Lose your blues - this movie brings me nothing but
Everybody cut footloose - literally. take the dvd out of the player and cut it. Scrape the shit out of it so you won't have to watch it again.... unless it's on TNT (twice weekly last time I checked)
You're playing so cool - cool, as you know is wearing a tie and blazer to a school where most of the students don't own shoes
Obeying every rule - except when it comes to playing chicken on tractors..... Ren knows no rules, he's the man! Speaking of which. When playing chicken, it's probably best that both vehicles in said contest not be owned by your father.... it's really lose lose for you. Way to exercise that brain Chuck.
Dig a way down in your heart - or into Ariel's panties.... she'll let you... everyone's done it.
You're burning, yearning for songs - as long as you don't play them in your car, or you will be pulled over by the local nazis... I mean police
Somebody to tell you - that you are gay
That life ain't passing you by - if you live in this town, and your name is Willard.... yeah it is.
I'm trying to tell you - fear is the mind killer. I must not fear.
It will if you don't even try - Sarah Jessica Parker was in this. Isn't that great!
You can fly if you'd only cut - Loggins what the fuck does that mean!!?
Loose, footloose - here's the title of the movie again, in case you forgot....now we've come full circle. Loggins really was the man in the 80's.... what movie didn't he do the soundtrack for huh? Top Gun. Caddyshack.... man his kung fu was strong.
Kick off your Sunday shoes - do this in mass, and throw them at John Lithgow.... again, a town run by the clergy.... good idea to move there.
Oowhee, Marie - I wonder if she know Louise?
Shake it, shake it for me - this is patented gymnastic dance move that Bacon is famous for.
Whoa, Milo - Milo banged Marie, and Louise.
C'mon, c'mon let's go - yes please, come on get it over with already!
Lose your blues - I lost them, but just found them.
Everybody cut footloose - cut!? Kenny what the hell are you fucking talking about!?
We got to turn me around - oh shit, Ren's going back to the dark side.
And put your feet on the ground - and up your ass while yer at it.
Now take a hold of all - hahahahah
Whooooooooa, I'm turning it - is this the theme to Footloose or Brokeback Mountain (that is the second BBM reference in one review.... you are getting your money's worth in this one!)?
There's a time to laugh. There's a time to cry and there is a time to dance. However, after watching this. It's a time to cry.
Hamlin Grade: 2
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
Casino Royale revisits the character that Timothy Dalton made legendary.... James Bond. The picture introduces yet another actor portraying the famed British secret agent, this time it is Daniel Craig's turn. Craig while not carrying the same level of fame as some of his predeccessors does manage to restore some respectability to the James Bond mantle.
Let's be honest. After Sean Connery, Pierce Brosnan is probably the gayest James Bond ever. Could we have found a less masculine star? I'll take a cock, shaken not stirred please. You bet you will Pierce. His name is Pierce! Pierce!
While Craig brings a more robust and butch version of Bond to the screen, he over does it a bit. James Bond in Casion Royale seems to be wearing the Zoolander face the entire film.... a question which I tossed Fletch's way. Fletch however defended Craig by saying "It"s not the Zoolander face, that's just the way he looks" (Fletch was of course massaging his genitals violently while answereing this question). Then Fletch hung up the phone and went back to his deviant lifestyle..... yes, much like Roadhouse, Casino Royale has become a Swayze Guage, a test of one's sexuality..... a test that Fletch has clearly passed..... that he is gay.
Casino Royale is a pre-quel of sorts (a noble idea that has never been tried), and introduces us to a Bond that has yet to achieve the level of 00. This film represents the events that would shape his life and help determine the path for his future (past chronologically) features. Essentially, Bond is dealt some tough blows, and then turns into a Mary (at least where Brosnan is concerned). However since the character was created over 40 years ago, it was hard for me to get over this 'pre-quel' movie where this Bond was using satellite phones, and Palm pilots..... and he also had less gear than previous (later) Bonds..... no Q? That sucked! Q was the man.... Fletch loves him some Q.
Bond as always fights the bad guys, dispatches them, but this time falls in love, and decides to resign from MI6, and pursue his relationship (much like Paul and Chani)..... however his true love screws him over, and turns out to a double agent. This was expected, because Casino Royale tiptoed the line of becoming a vagina movie towards the end and I was close to turning it off. Thankfully the bitch fucked him over, and Bond flipped out.... killing the bad guys and watching her drown in a collapsing building......I believe in the floating city of Newark.
Oh poor James. I guess this is to justify his womanizing ways throughout the rest of the films, as he never truly gets involved emotionally with a woman again. This Bond was actually quite a bit a cooler than the other Bonds (except for Dalton's masterful portrayal which made the character an icon) in that he is colder, and much more violent. The flaw here, is that he is not as violent in the later movies, being that this is supposed to be the first James Bond mission.
As far as Daniel Craig goes, he definitely rates high on the James Bond list. Perhaps third best. Here are my rankings:
1. Timothy Dalton
2. George Lazenby
3. Daniel Craig
4. Roger Moore
5. Pierce Brosnan
6. Sean Connery
Craig certainly earns top three honors...... Connery is still without question the worst Bond ever. Dudley Moore would have been an upgrade. Casino Royale definitely delivers the action, a few hot pieces of ass, some brutality and of course exposes Fletch's sexuality. That alone improves it's Hamlin Grade.....
Hamlin Grade: 1
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
What is the only movie poster in the world that will contain the phrase, "Starring John Stockwell?" A better question might be, "Who is John Stockwell?" Exactly! It was actually the damaging effects of Fisher Stevens' acting that prompted me to dig up this 1985 teenage-action sci-fi comedy called, My Science Project.
Mark Harlan (Stockwell) is really into his car, fixing it up, and not much else. This motorhead is so devoted to his hot-rod that he might not graduate from high school. Bob, the science teacher, played by Dennis Hopper, demands that Harlan's science project be impressive, or a cap and gown will not be in his future. Needing to make the grade, Harlan scavenges a military base's industrial graveyard for inspiration. Here he stumbles across one of those cool lightning balls from Spencer's Gifts . . . you know, when you touch the glass the lightning is attracted to your fingers. Well, apparently aliens picked up this little lightning ball, and with their technology, they created a time warping engine.
When the aliens crashed on earth in the 1950's, the U.S. military dismantled their ship and kept it top-secret in a military junk yard until Harlan was able to skillfully scale a chain link fence to crack their super top security. With me so far? You probably don't need to know all that, but what you should know is that Fisher Stevens plays Harlan's smooth talking tough guy sidekick from Brooklyn. Stevens standing at an intimidating five foot nothing and weighing in at about a buck forty, strikes fear into the hearts of teenage geeks and makes girls swoon. Harlan and his sidekick bring this time warping device to Bob the science teacher and when he hooks it up to a power source, the zany adventure begins.
Harlan and friends are forced to face off against cavemen, gladiators, futuristic warriors and even dinosaurs in order to save the school! I know what you're saying to yourself "Even dinosaurs?! How could I have missed this gem?!!" Don't beat yourself up, just make your way over to the nostalgic corny eighties section of your video store.
Hamlin Grade: 5.5
Fletch is a killing word!
Bad Movie Knights, I have failed you once again. Not since Angel of Destruction has this Knight been bettered by a truly awful piece of cinema.... but that day has come once again. There are few features that can try my patience to a limit where I must retrieve a remote control, and turn off a film by propelling said device through the delicate viewing membrane of my 60" 1080i HDTV Samsung Flatscreen television. The Prestige has become the second film that has earned the honor of that few bad films have achieved..... the status of being unwatchable.
Firstly, how is such a feat possible? The Prestige stars Hugh Jackman, and Christian Bale, the same two gentlemen who in recent years have brought the comic book icons Wolverine and Batman to the big screen..... and made my nipples quake with pleasure. We also find our friend and lover Michael Caine, starring as an engineer in this bad movie. So where did it go wrong? Either this DVD was designed to pump chloroform into the air as it played, or this is the most tedious, and mundane screenplay ever written. Holy shit.
What did I gather from the brief 45 minutes of the movie I did see? Two asholes (played by the aforementioned Jackman and Bale) are magician understudies, and during an escapist trick (involving Jackman's wife.... I don't know the character's name because I was so uninterested.....nor have I looked them up, because my interest level while writing the review is on life support) Jackman's wife is killed on stage, to his suspicion through the fault of Bale. After that the movie is a variety of poorly woven flashbacks, flashforwards, and flashsideways of Jackman and Bale showing up in disguise at each other's solo performances and sabotaging their shows on stage.
The Prestige did teach me one valuable lesson however. Go rent The Illusionist starring Ed Norton instead.
I found myself in a unfamiliar neighborhood in an unfamiliar video store when I stumbled upon Lost in La Mancha. I was in somewhat of a hurry to find my way home but felt the need to release endorphins with a quick impulse purchase. I saw the parring of Terry Gilliam and Johny Depp and wounder how I could have missed this one in the theaters. Glancing briefly at the cover I read "Excruciatingly Entertaining", "Spectacular!", "Two Thumbs Up!" and with these affirming strokes I coughed up the cash. No, I'm usually not this easy a sale and yes, I've hear the expression "Don't judge a book by it's cover." And no, I'm not looking for sympathy! I guess at this point you know what's coming........disappointment!
In my rush for glory, I had failed to read on the back cover that Lost in La Mancha is a documentary about Terry Gilliam's catastrophic attempt to make The Man Who Killed Don Quixote. Now before I go any further let me say that I'm a huge Monty Python fan and enjoined Gilliam's cinematic efforts over the years. Little respect remains for the man after viewing Lost in La Mancha. Gilliam looks like an uncompromising spoiled brat who has no problem throwing temper tantrums. Failing to find Hollywood funding, Gilliam sought backers in Europe. This dissension would limit his budget and instead of finding innovative creative ways to solve problems all the man would do is bitch. Granted, the production faced some severe obstacles that would have reeked havoc on any director. Disasters such as trying to film as fighter jets scream directly above, to storms literally changing the landscape ruining any chance of continuity. This movie seemed cursed from the get go. I guess what really made Lost in La Mancha a disappointment is that I was expecting a sleeper and instead I got a documentary on how not to make a movie and a disappointing view of a man who's work I've admired only to find out that man is not a man, he's a bitch! Gilliam didn't even have the courage to tell his crew that the production was canceled. Weak!
Hamlin Grade: 2
Fletch is a killing word!
Since the Star Wars prequels have been under fire over these past two weeks, I thought I might inject my feelings on how they have truly ruined the original story.
Yes, I like many of you true believers agree that you can hold dear the originals, and watch them as an unmolested and separate entity. This however is impossible. Why you ask? Lucas. The man has infected the originals with bits and pieces from the pre-quels in an effort (from his perspective) to bind the two series together, and complete the circle.
Lucas' greatest failure, and badge to honor this disaster occurs within the final installment of the original series, Return of the Jedi. In the closing moments of the film, Luke Skywalker glances from his celebrating friends to view his mentors, Yoda and Ben Kenobi, looking on in their ghostly forms, only to be joined by his father Anakin Skywalker. Of course, before Lucas stuck his John Thomas in this episode of Star Wars, Anakin Skywalker was the same man who is de-masked by Luke prior to his death.... with a mildly better complexion, and less burns, and wearing the priestly robes of a Jedi Master. So now, we have Return of the Jedi... The Special Edition. What a contradiction. In place of the aged Anakin Skywalker, we find a transparent Hayden Christensen, the actor who portrayed Anakin Skywalker in the pre-quels. Why? Why does Lucas feel the need to replace Anakin with a younger version of himself, and why is this his greatest error of all?
Simple. Why does Anakin Skywalker deserve this fountain of youth treatment? If Lucas really felt the desire to bring more pre-quel elements into the originals, why didn't he erase my fellow colleague Alec Guiness and replace him with that young Scottish lad Ewan McGregor? Hell, he could have swapped out that old raisin of a puppet for the enhanced CGI version of Yoda. But did he? Certainly not. Lucas made one whimsical decision after another, and watched the complete lifecycle of his creation. Birth, life, and painfully violent death.
This is the Word of Caine.
Perhaps the finest addition to the Star Wars lineage, is George Lucas's masterpiece Star Wars - Episode II, Attack of the Clones. We see for the first time, actor Hayden Christensen playing a more mature Anakin Skywalker and breathing life into his character and this film franchise in a way that only an actor of his well honed calibre can..... and of course pushed to the limits of his skill, by master director, screen writer, and visual effects wizard George Lucas.
Star Wars - Episode II, Attack of the Clones, invites us to join the adventure once again, as we slowly realize that Anakin's eventual (and unfortunately invevitable) turn to the dark side is becoming more and more apparent. Silmultaneously though, his relationship with Senator Padmé Amidala (played by the amazingly talented and versatile Natalie Portman) begins to take shape and blossom into a love that will rival the very force itself.
Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) at the behest of the Jedi Council is investigating a plot to assassinate Senator Amidala. After tracking down an assassin with the help of his padawan learner Anakin, they apprehend and begin their interrogation. Unfortunatley, the assassin, is assassinated herself, by a mysterious jet pack wearing bounty hunter (our first glimpse of Jango Fett.... I know I could hardly contain my excitement either! The Father of Boba Fett.... the most celebrated bounty hunter, and perhaps character of the Star Wars universe!). Kenobi, takes the dart to a friend of his on the street to obtain some valuable information. Unknown to most, (except for Kenobi), the best intelligence can be acquired from futuristic diner owners reminiscent of Mel (Vic Tayback) from Alice. In this case, the cook Daxx, a lovable, apron wearing, four armed creature that not only provides some classic Star Wars humor, but helps propel our adventure forward through his valuable advice.
Star Wars - Episode II, Attack of the Clones continues with Anakin recieving his first assignment which is to protect Senator Amidala by taking her to her home planet of Naboo. A fortunate set of circumstances which provides Anakin and Padme much alone time which will help their love grow. Of course (much to my dismay, because I was so hoping for their relationship to work) logic gets the better of them, and they decide that their careers must come first, and a relationship of secrecy isn't what they really want.
Kenobi, proceeds to Kimino following the lead provided by his friend Daxx, and discovers a society who's main export is the production of clone soldiers. His trip yeilds fruit as he also finds Jango Fett, and a spectacular battle ensues between a Jedi Master and a seasoned Bounty Hunter....young Boba even takes command of Slave 1 and fires it's cannons at Kenobi!! What a treat! The Fetts make their escape but are rapidly pursued by Kenobi through an asteroid field (an obvious but wonderful homage to The Empire Strikes Back). Kenobi decides to fake his destruction so he can follow his mark to their planned destination, and pulls off his clever ruse and continues his pursuit.
Meanwhile Anakin who is haunted by dreams of his mother in pain, decides that he must travel to his birth planet of Tatooine to find her. Padme agrees to help him, and even though they decided against you can begin to see how much they truly care about one another. It's a beautiful point in the film, and an again a true testament to the brilliance of George Lucas. Anakin returns to Tatooine to find that his mother, had been freed by Cliegg Larrs, and married him. This is also where we meet his son Owen Lars, and his girlfriend Beru (the eventual guardians of Luke Skywalker! Wow!). Even though their parts were small, they were vital to Star Wars - Episode II, Attack of the Clones, and just went to show you how well thought out the intricasies of this series was. Lucas is tremendously detail oriented not just throughout this chapter but every one of his masterpieces. Unfortunately, much to his disappointment (and ours), Anakin discovers that his mother has been taken by Tuscan Raiders (Sand People). Anakin plans his rescue and infitrates the Tuscan Raider's camp. He discovers the tent where his mother is kept and frees his mother from her bonds. Sadly their reunion is cut short as his mother dies in her arms. This scene breaks my heart every time I watch it, not only does Anakin lose the most important person in his life, but takes another step towards the dark side of the force as he ignites his light sabre and slaughters the entire camp of Sand People. This wholesale murder of a people is so profound that even Yoda feels it as his act send ripples throughout the force. Truly a turning point in Star Wars - Episode II, Attack of the Clones.
Kenobi follows the bounty hunter Jango Fett to Genosha and discovers a massive plot to overthrow the Republic, led by the evil Sith Lord Count Dooku (played by veteran master actor Christopher Lee).... while transmitting his findings to the Jedi Council he is captured. All hands to the rescue! The Jedi's mount a massive operation to save their commrade! Anakin, although ordered to remain and protect Padme and not get involved, does follow the first part of that order....Padme however decides she is going to save Kenobi (the comic relief when Anakin admits he's given up arguing with her, is almost as humorous as when R2D2 chortles and beeps to nail a moment!). The pair arrive on Genosha, and circumvent a conveyor belt, smelting factory, that rings familiar with the old classic video game Donkey Kong..... amazingly funny, and a perfect addition by Lucas. They are however captured and set to be executed alongside their friend Kenobi. Padme reveals her true feelings to Anakin and professes her love! FINALLY! Although this movie is loaded with amazing scenes, visuals, dialogue, action, and special effects.... this simple exchange and commitment between the two characters is the finest in all 6 of the movies. Truly an amazing piece of film making.
Star Wars - Episode II, Attack of the Clones, ends with a massive land / air battle between the Jedi, and Republic Forces (made up of the Kimino clones and let me tell you how excited I was to notice that they looked very similiar to the Storm Troopers) versus the Federation droid armies. What a battle! Lucas truly is a historian of the classic war film, because Star Wars - Episode II, Attack of the Clones carries forward that tradition of the classic battle ground war movie.
Star Wars - Episode II, Attack of the Clones final note is the lightsabre battle between Yoda and Count Dooku. Dooku easily bested Kenobi, and Anakin (Anakin loses his hand in the battle foreshadowing the evolution of Darth Vader becoming more machine than man.... expert stroke!), but will he be able to continue the same success against Jedi Master Yoda? I think not! Seeing Yoda fight with a light sabre had to be the one thing I was looking forward to most in this edition of the Star Wars films. Lucas once again pulls it off. He and his team manage to propel the dimunitive Jedi Master from walking cane, to ninja like combatant with little difficulty. Yoda fights Dooku to a stand still, and Dooku is forced to flee....
Ok, if you have read this far, and believed a word of this bullshit, you are a fucking moron. Star Wars - Episode II, Attack of the Clones sucked the corn out of the last crap I dropped. Imagine getting kicked in the balls by a freshly shoed horse after drinking a gallon of water.....you might then understand the torture it is to watch this disaster. Now if you found this review funny, good on you.... you are a Bad Movie Knight. If you thought this review was ridiculous, and the review was way off the mark, you have the potential to be a Bad Movie Knight, but you are a fucking idiot for not realizing I was lying. If you agreed with every portion of the review and found it spot on... just kill yourself. Star Wars - Episode II, Attack of the Clones is quite possibly the worst movie I have ever seen.
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
I just realized something, I'm the only one on this site who is brave enough to review more than one Albert Pyun film (Pat reviewed the atrocious Captain America and i've done the rest) Which brings us to Knights which is easily Pyun's most ambitious efforts and by ambitious I mean contains the worst ideas that any sane director would not commit to celluoid. Pyun however is insane and few movies prove this as well as Knights.
Well for starters Knights casts country singer Kris Kristofferson as a kickboxing robot. Let me say that again, Kris Kristofferson is playing a robot who has been programmed to destroy other robots, well at least they didn't hire Willie Nelson. Also the other robots are played by Gary Daniels, Scott Paulin and Lance Henriksen who runs around with a metal arm that would make him look like a robotic version of Captain Hook, he's also a philisophical robot because he ponders about what it means to live, to die and how the world got destroyed. Keep in mind Kris Kristofferson and Lance Henriksen are the only decent actors in the cast, and when you see what ridiculous parts they play, you hold no hope for this movie. In its favor Knights has decent production values (But so did Cyborg...) and an abundant level of silly action so in that regard the movie is isn't too dull to watch but the movie works best as 'so bad it's good' fare.
The ridiculous movie starts with farmers who are then attacked by robots, you see Knights establishes right away that in order for robots to survive, they need human blood to survive, so the robot's whole battle plan is to run through the ruins of society and drink blood from humans, but the person has to be alive, because otherwise it doesn't work. (This movie makes so little sense and is so surreal it deserves a plaque from Buenel) So the robots are vampires, and only one robot (made out of spare parts) knows how to destroy them and that robot is played by Kris Kristofferson. I know i've said this at least three times, but for goodness sake it's Kris Kristofferson as a kickboxing robot! Anyway after dispatching these vampire robots, he then teaches a human (Played by Kathy Long) who then becomes society's last hope.
Aside from casting Kristofferson as a robot warrior, the movie actually gives him fight sequences where we are asked to believe if the 54 year old (At the time) can keep up with a young Gary Daniels. And somehow he does, although Pyun slyly never films Kristofferson's head while delivering the karate blows. Kathy Long also trades in the action towards the end and fights everyone pretty much around and Pyun constantly gives us close ups on Long's breasts and butt, the only problem is that Kris Kristofferson is slightly better looking, therefore the babe factor is non-existant. However one is thankful there was no nudity since that would've been quite unpleasant.
The half assed story never amounts to much, and the film earns it's wings of unintentional hilarity in its climax which consists of Kathy Long fighting with a dismembered Kristofferson in her backpack (Once again any sane director would actively resist such elements in a movie) oh and these sequences we see a very unconvincing midget who is swordfighting while Kathy Long is fighting and doing backflips. A midget who looks nothing like Kristofferson, and done from such distance that we can tell it's a midget in the bag. Then Kristofferson puts himself back together and dukes it out with Lance Henriksen and wins. Henriksen enjoys the fact that he can experience death (Probably because he's certain he won't be in the sequel) and we get an overall cheesy philosophy surrounding the film. Knights also lies open for a sequel, in which Kris Kristofferson and Kathy Long would run around and kickbox more robot vampires as well as the master robot vampire and she bascially gives away the ending for the potentional sequels, in that she survived and had many adventures. Of course the fact they didn't make sequels requires such forgiveness so we can then be happy mentally that it all ended well. Yay.
Knights also features believe it or not, many sequences where robots, soldiers and well anything accidently falls down, a guy with a bow and arrow falls down on accident, a guy who falls down gets stabbed and so on. Also there is a kicking decapitation, lots of nutty violence and lots of sequences of knifes going in people's heads, with a badly dubbed in shutdown sound provided on the soundtrack to make it convince you that the robot vampire is dead. This is of course a hilariously bad movie, with so much ridiculous things going on that the sheer surreal clutter of it all makes one laugh all the harder.
Plus with Knights you're Chuckscaping, with notedly unattractive actors, with our high kicking heroine being what I imagine what Chuck Norris would look like as a woman. It's no secret that to get ahead in hollywood, you need good looks and good luck but it's no accident that Kathy Long went onto a fulfilling career as a stuntwoman, bodyguard and kickboxer. She just has no sex appeal, although i'm guessing if I was drunk enough...
Hamlin Grade: 6
Few actors in the genre are as memorable villains as William Smith and Brian Thompson. Now Brian Thompson is the heavy in tons of action movies, he played the heartless bad guy in Cobra, he was the first person killed by The Terminator, he played Shoa Kahn in Mortal Kombat:Annhilation (Rather badly though), was the alien bounty hunter on X-Files and he's biggest career acheivement playing a bad guy twice for Jean-Claude Van Damme, the greatest action star to come from brussels. (That's not even to mention acting alongside the Pare in Moon 44!) So in my book Brian Thompson is a genre favorite. And of course William Smith, is well what can I say he's the Wings Hauser of bad movie villains. These two low budget titans collide with Fred Olen Ray (The director of two decent movies out of about 80, The Shooter and Capitol Conspiracy and a director of some really bad movies that are fun (Warlords, Armed Responseand Cyberzone) and just some unwatchable crap.) and of course the last element of surprise is Kathy Shower, a playboy model who would later go on to star in the second greatest bad movie ever made, American Kickboxer 2. With all of these elements, as well as authentic mexican locations you would think that Commando Squad would be hilarious or at least somewhat entertaining.
It's not. In fact I was so bored through out that I started thinking perhaps I should just review something from the Costner club, in fact by the middle of it I was wondering if I should go out and shovel my sidewalk. Commando Squad would be fun if it actually contained some action, I mean isn't it what we paid for? Also given that there was a playboy model, wouldn't it be wise to have her lose her top every now and then? So without any action or nudity, this bargain bin garbage relies on the acting from William Smith and yes he pulls off the Ironside agenda, but doesn't he always? Brian Thompson despite playing against typecasting shows utterly no charisma that even Van Damme has and with a hero as dull as him it's no wonder the mind starts to wander and it's only a couple times of (unintentional) interest that relieve the extreme boredom that comes from watching this.
Here is the funny, Brian Thompson uses a rocket launcher to bring down a helicopter which has it crash down as if it had been shot in the gas tank (Meaning it goes down in with fuel leaking) and when Kathy Shower arrives in Mexico, her helicopter is blown up with a shotgun! Then the torture method is Brian Thompson getting his teeth pulled out (I sort of felt jealous of him, because at least he didn't have to watch this movie) and last but not least is when Kathy Shower calls a woman in a bar a "Midget donkey fucker" However aside from this, my boredom was established.
The action sequences are also very lame, with no real sense of excitement and stunts that just border on the laughable. Were talking action sequences with all the vigor of a scrabble contest. This is of course awful, awful to watch. And why is this called Commando Squad anyway? Since our protagonists are either cops or DEA agents (Couldn't figure it out, since Kathy Shower chases someone in the streets like a cop, in costume) They're probably DEA but that hardly qualifies them as Commandos and they don't really count as a squad since there are only 2 of them fighting against maybe 5 people. Not exactly the worst odds in the world. Indeed had Jean-Claude Van Damme or Chuck Norris seen these two protagonists and how lame they're (Thompson gets captured twice and Shower gets captured in a truly ridiculous plan) they would kill these morons on sheer principle, for making action heroes look bad. Indeed Van Damme did kill Brian Thompson in The Order!
Anyway Commando Squad has no plot. That's fine. Commando Squad has no acting. That's also fine. Commando Squad has no nudity or good action, that's not fine for this is what brings in the customers. So in the end, Commando Squad sucks midget donkey ass.
Hamlin Grade: 1
Has there ever been a larger dissappointment.... aside from mine and perhaps Fletch's existence? The conclusion to perhaps the greatest failure in Hollywood, Star Wars - Episode III, Revenge of the Sith.
Darth Vader, perhaps the greatest villian ever created is dissected and destroyed in George Lucas's pre-quels to his original Star Wars saga. So what did we learn?
Before donning his pitch black armor, and igniting his crimson sword (no not his cock Duggan), Darth Vader for lack of a better word was a pussy. A whining, sniveling, spoiled, possibly gay, incredibly bad acting (although I blame Lucas for that) nancy mary sally pussy. Star Wars - Episode III, Revenge of the Sith wraps up the complete undermining of Darth Vader, and destroys all for which he has fought for in the original trilogy.
While this movie was the last to appear on screen, chronologically, it is the third of six in the Star Wars series. It wraps up the the first story arc focusing on the fall of Anakin Skywalker to the Dark Side and closes a book that George Lucas should never have opened.
Yes, I was one of the many faithful, who could not wait to see the tales that preceded the original Star Wars films, but like so many of my brothers, we wished for something that could never be.
To the many Star Wars fans (and I mean the originals) I say this. It is ok to hate these movies. It took me some time, especially after walking out of Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace. I was so excited to see it, perhaps blinded even that when I left the theater I was almost conditioned to like it. But after a few days I began to slowly realize that this new Star Wars movie had not lived up to my expectations. Following a week of reflection, I soon discovered that this new Star Wars film was not only a let down, but plain and simple it fucking sucked. Many Star Wars fans blindly accept the new films because they think that any dissension will tarnish their rank amongst the fanboys of the original. There is a large sect of us, who look at the originals as genius, and the pre-quels as heinous. After viewing the first pre-quel on screen, I never again returned to the theatre to see the remaining two.
While watching the bonus dvd from the new Star Wars Trilogy DVD Box set (which is great and painful at the same time... I'll explain shortly), there is an amazing documentary entitled Empire of Dreams which chronicles the life of George Lucas during his college years through the production of the Star Wars movies. The documentary while completely self-serving (the amount of compliments he administered to himself) does offer a terrific glimpse of what he went through to make the films. However you can almost see where he evolves from film maker to deity (at least in the eyes of his colleagues) and lost the ability to make an error (again, in the eyes of his colleagues).... and thus his own personal fall from grace. Lucas' greatest failure was in his inability to recognize his need for an Executive Officer... a personal counter weight that would contradict his decisions, and correct his mistakes. However this was just not to be..... and thus the circle is now complete. Or is it?
Star Wars - Episode III, Revenge of the Sith, represents the final nail into the coffin of this tragedy. I could go on forever about the inconsistencies that exist throughout the films, but will save you the torture.....no I won't:
-Why doesn't Chewbacca recognize Obi Wan Kenobi in Star Wars? Didn't he meet him through video conference, while Yoda was commanding him and the rest of the yeti's? Even though he's aged, he still would have known the name.
- How did Princess Leia remember images of what her mother looked like when she died in child birth?
-Why was everyone shocked that Padme was having twins? Were obstetrician's that bad? They had the technology to rocket through space, but couldn't master the art of ultra-sound?
-Why is having the high ground so important? The exclaimation of Obi Wan moments before he de-legs Anakin that he'd won? First off, why did Anakin need to triple lindy over Kenobi.... couldn't he have just stepped off his little lava raft, and walked up the bank? Now if having the high ground is so great, why didn't Darth Maul say the same thing to him at the end of Phanton Menace? Didn't Kenobi do the same thing that Anakin did? How come Kenobi still has legs?
-Why the fuck was Jimmy Smits in the pre-quels? What a waste of a quality actor? Fletch did more lines of coke during the film than he had lines in the movie.
-"When I first knew your father, he was already the greatest star fighter pilot in the galaxy.... and a cunning warrior".... oh was he Ben? From my point of view, he was little dipshit kid, that flew a mechanical chariot in an effort to market a Pod Racing Video Game by Lucas Arts.
-Why the fuck did Lucas go back into the original trilogys and insert his new pre-quel footage? I get chills now when I see the ghosts of Yoda, Ben Kenobi..... and Hayden Chistiansen? Why? I feel dirty now.
There is no denying that the special effects in Star Wars - Episode III, Revenge of the Sith are spectacular, and are just as good in the previous two movies.....unfortunately there is no special effect that can help what is a terrible story. Which, for us makes it a great bad movie. Bad Movie Knight's will find a cornacopia of bad movie lines from Anakin, Kenobi, and especially the Emperor (who sounds like he's having an orgasm every time he speaks). The movie may suck, and it may tarnish the originals (if you are unable to disconnect from them), but they are exceptional bad movies.
Hamlin Grade: 4.5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
Mystery, Alaska is a bad movie (when I say bad, I mean extraordinarily shitty) about a fictitious town ( I looked it up on Mapquest, no such place exists) that loves hockey. One of their own organizes a game to be televised over the holidays with Mystery's best players against the New York Rangers. And they lose.
That's the movie. Sure they stretched it out to last 119 minutes and vigorously teased and toyed with your errogenous zones in anticipation of the hockey game that would come at the end of the film, but what this film really comes down to is filler.
The game itself while somewhat exciting is really a complete mess. In 1999, the New York Rangers were at the apex of their 7 season playoff drought, so the allure of playing them at all was borderline non-existent. In fact, during the movie, the boys from Mystery are actually winning the game (I am a Ranger fan for the record, and this infuriated me to no end, because not even in the land of fiction could New York buy a win back then).... before the Rangers went on to defeat them..... and barely I might add. The dumbest thing about this film also, is that not one Ranger was actually in the film. Unfortunately, the Rangers at that time didn't really have any name players worth mentioning..... except for WAYNE FUCKING GRETZKY!!!
Holy shit this movie sucked. Mystery, Alaska makes Youngblood look like the greatest hockey film ever made (in many ways it was.....all I gotta say is Rob Lowe's ass (Van DAMN!!) ....perfect.... and all the medium rare Swazye that you can handle!). If you are looking for classic Burt Reynolds, and Russell Crowe..... you will definitely find that in Mystery, Alaska, because much like this movie, they suck too. Everyone involved in this bad movie sucks. People who watched it suck. I suck too..... and now I can't stop thinking about Rob Lowe's ass.
Hamlin Grade: 1
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,