So this is what will happen if we break the Earth? The Core offers us a futuristic glimpse of what our gluttonous lifestyles will bring about in this bad movie that follows the standard disaster movie formula to the letter.

Cue, some random events that foreshadow our doom that include 50 or so sorry individuals collapsing because an EMP (electro-magnetic pulse to the uncool) shorts out their pacemakers (are there really that many people using pacemakers? what is the pacemaker populations density of our planet I wonder?), and a shit load of pigeons in London do their best Alfred Hitchcock (ha ha I said cock) impression and begin swarming on some poor tourist in Trafalgar Square. The events of course intensify throughout the film to include a lightning storm that levels a large part of Italy, and a beam of sunlight that cuts a path through San Francisco killing untold millions (I exaggerate slightly). For the most part the special effects in The Core are spot on, and hold up to just about any disaster film..... and so does the acting.

We discover that the Earth's core has stopped rotating, thus electromagnetic field it generates, which in turn protects us from the Sun's harmful rays, is sadly deteriorating. Dr. Josh Keyes (Aaron Eckhart, of Thank You for Smoking fame ....decent film by the way.....everytime I hear Eckhart's name all I can think of is hard body Jack Palance in Batman picking up the phone and saying "Give me Lt. Eckhaaaart".....I digress) is the first to discover this unfortunate phenomenon and brings it to the attention of Dr. Conrad Zimsky (played by Ironside Agenda winner Stanley Tucci) who then uses his extraordinary pull to gain an audience with the who's who of the United States Government. The result of this meeting? Shove a bunch of really smart people into a giant penis drilling machine, and tunnel to the center of the planet and restart....THE CORE!

On board the cock-vessel is of course Dr. Keyes, and Dr. Zimsky, Dr. Ed 'Braz' Brazzleton (played by Delroy Lindo), Dr. Serge Leveque (portrayed by Tchéky Karyo..... the French commander from The Patriot that gave Mel Gibson the business...when necessary), and Maj. Rebecca Childs (played by two time Oscar Winner, and star of the Next Karate Kid, Hilary Swank. I was going to give her a pass on the Foxx, since it is a year or two removed from her first Oscar win....but I'm an asshole, so she get's Foxxed! ). The pork sword machine has a huge laser attached to it's large mushroom-like head that allows it to travel easily through rock, and the hull of the dickship is made of an indestructible metal so it can withstand the pressure as it travels deeper....and deeper, oh yeah, deeper, don't stop, I'm almost there....YES! Ok, if you can suspend disbelief and buy into all of this crap, then you are well on your way to enjoy the Core. No seriously.

Like most disaster flicks, you can pretty much ascertain who are the red-shirt away team members from Star Trek, as they are picked off one by one as they make it to the center of the Earth. Nothing is ever easy I guess, but no one said drilling to the planets core would be a walk in the park.

The Core, while completely predictable is blessed with a cast that includes many quality actors that really over do it, and for the most part hand in perfect bad movie performances (otherwise mail it in, and collect their checks). At one point I thought George Lucas may have directed this judging by the cast's inability to portray anything, and looked as though they were reading from tele-prompters In fairness the actors are really there to just point shit out to us, and say look 'San Francisco is on fire' and 'hey my pussy hurts' (ooops wrong movie)....but you get the idea.

In the end its a shame that special effects guru's haven't figured out a way to improve actors performances the way they can the visuals we see. I would say that one day ILM may be able to figure out, but then I remembered that George Lucas owns that company, and is probably already designing an anti-acting software to highlight the CGI effects in his films.

Explosions, destruction, killer pigeons, death and monster schlong ship! All are available in this enima-like ride known only as The Core!

Hamlin Grade: 3

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat