Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.

Missing In Action 2 starts out like any good epic about Vietnam. It starts out with a pretext about how we've stood by and let the Vietnamese violate the geneva convention and it even features Ronald Reagan's last film appearance in film as he gives a heartfelt speech about those who died in Vietnam, as well as those who are missing in action. Truly Lance Hool has used this footage to stir up emotions that would have Bill O'Reilly soiling his trousers. However it's here we learn why the Chuck Norris facts are all true.

"Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding."

Missing In Action 2 (Which we will call MIA 2 from now on...) finds Chuck Norris stars as Braddock a POW who is at a Vietnamese prison camp, where the various activities of the day are digging for worms, getting tortured and never eating. We find that the soldiers don't know what year it is, or even if the war is over, mainly because they're out in the boonies. One such soldier named Nester (Steven Williams) has signed a confession and has become the warden's pet, while trying to convince Braddock to sign a phony wrap that he is a war criminal. The warden by the way is Colonel Yin (Soon Tek Oh) who has an unhealthy liking for Braddock, Yin enjoys seeing Braddock beaten, tortured and even hung upside down with a rat in a bag! All trying to make sure Braddock signs a phony confession, this psychological torture and domination, is in no way homoerotic, I mean after all Yin spends countless hours with men and wears knee high boots, I mean that's not homoerotic.

"Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris!"

After awhile of waiting out in the rain, in the heat and working endless hours (With only an American flag to give Norris any willpower) Colonel Yin calls Braddock in the office to explain that Braddock's wife plans on getting married, and that he can stop the wedding if he can sign the confession. Braddock declines and is hit again for his relunctance. But since it's Chuck Norris we know that he can take what the bad guys take and dish out triple the damage!

"Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide"

Naturally it's only a matter of time, before Braddock gives in and signs the confession, but he signs only in the most heroic terms, in that his friend is sick with the mumps (Or something.) which of course gives Colonel Yin what he wants, but being the bastard he is, he burns Braddock's friend alive, plans to kill all the soldiers the next day and it's here after a pretend suicide, Braddock escapes and delivers a Chuck Norris style ass-kicking. Braddock finds an uzi, bombs, lots of bullets and now it's no contest, we know who's going to win.

"When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side."

Before the escape, there are some dramatic angles such as how the soldiers want to go home, an Austrailan guy looking for POWs and a French bad guy who sounds like Jean-Claude Van Damme but looks like Harry Hamlin (A very short Harry Hamlin) to which both are killed by Colonel Yin, who then takes Frenchie's helicopter to search for Braddock and the others who've escaped. However it all peaks when Nester agrees to help Colonel Yin capture Braddock and it's here the betrayal cuts like a knife.

"If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen."

Braddock returns to rescue the rest of the troops he left behind, and Nester shows his true colors by saving his fellow soldier from Yin, killing two guards and almost killing Yin. Payback is a bitch! Braddock pretty much single handedly wins the war, just with an uzi, a couple bombs and (of course) well placed roundhouse kicks. To which a huge explosion leaves all the Vietnamese bad guys dead, which shows them they better not fuck with Reagan's America! However Colonel Yin is a sneaky bastard and he's still alive, until he encounters Braddock. A well choreographed fight ensues.

"What was the last thing going through the mind of the last guy who got roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris? His shoe!"

Let's face it, MIA 2 is one of Norris' best movies. It's super cheesy, very dumb, terribly acted and has such ridiculous stereotypes in which it plays into, that you can't help but cave in and buy into this guilty pleasure. What is even stranger is just how goofy the villain is. Played by Soon Tek-Oh, this guy convinces that he's a viscous bastard, especially when he strangles chickens! Also that isn't enough he for some reason has to constantly pummel Chuck Norris, put soldiers through psychological trauma and even lets his guards strip down soldiers for viewing pleasure! Plus those boots, those knee high boots! So in other words, this movie is not unlike The Passion Of The Christ, it's full of constant bludgening, torturing and mean spirtied insults, the difference? MIA 2 has more roundhouse kicks, explosions, Chuck Norris and is actually entertaining. But there are some Melmets...

"Chuck Norris can indeed hold Puff Daddy down!"

And for that matter, Chuck Norris can touch M.C Hammer, doesn't love Raymond, can believe it's not butter and last but not least, he was the one who let the dogs out. He also knows what The Rock is cooking, because The Rock is his chef. Okay that's enough Chuck Norris facts for now.

Hamlin Grade: 6

Ryan