King Solomon's Mines isn't only one of the worst movies to come out of the 80's (Remember ROTOR came out that decade) but it's debatable if it's also the worst movie ever made. An irritating rip off of Indianna Jones with Richard Chamberlain and a pre-stardom Sharon Stone (Boy, she's lucky Paul Verhoeven gave her Total Recall and Basic Instinct because prior to those movies Police Academy 4 was one of her better movies) and let it be said that this is so bad it sucks the life and energy out of you.

The movie finds our two dim witted heroes running from the head honcho (John Rhys Davies who went on to star in such dreadful bad movies as Firewalker and Cyborg Cop) who is after a mine that has lots of priceless treasure, of course the nazis get involved as do cannibal tribes and two heroes so annoying you just wish a bullet would end it all. (In fact this on the top ten list of movies, NOT to watch when suicidal.) Naturally sludge like this can be interesting if it's taken with such extreme seriousness (god forbid they actually take the time to craft some reasonable looking action sequences) or is actually good. Unfortunately this turd is made with all the energy of an average episode of The O.C (Which got cancelled, thank goodness!) and comedy so painfully witless you swear that you're watching Rob Schneider.

There really is nothing left to say, I mean it's just an awful movie, with dull production values, obnoxious "comic" dialog, terrible acting and limp directing. Such a thing would call out for if it had good action, but these soulless excercises in stuntmen jumping in mid air is conducted with no sense of excitement and the movie is just painful to sit through.

Wow this is my shortest review, but I don't know what else to say, this is seriously a banal waste of time. An opportunity that should never have been taken and no sense of enjoyment to be had by the audience unfortunate enough to find themselves subjected to this disaster.

From the people from Cannon, who usually specialize in the fun type of crap. I mean nobody ever (or to this day does) expect cinematic quality from the geniuses who gave us the Missing In Action series, the Death Wish sequels or American Ninja series, now those movies at least had some energy, even if they weren't good movies. (Still enjoyable movies) Really when approaching an adventure genre styled movie, what they should've done was make Michael Dudikoff or Charles Bronson the star, add in tons of ninjas, lots of ridiculous action and a big bodycount. With these factors this would've been at least hilarious and surreal, ah the road not taken. Watching Cannon attempt to meld intentional comedy with high flying adventure is akin to passing a 9 pound kidney stone. It's hopeless. It's unwatchable. It's painful to sit through. Worst of all it's all excruciatingly dull. There that's the end of my review now just don't watch the damn thing, okay?

Hamlin Grade:

Ryan