Bad Movie Knights, I apologize for my absence, but rest assured, the wait should be well worth it. I return today to seek vengeance on what mine eyes have viewed this day. I give you the travesty Jaws.

How anyone calls this a classic is beyond me. Jaws has been ordained one of director Steven Speilberg's greatest achievements and propelled the young film maker to legendary status in the 1970's....when in reality this movie should have been a lesson in what not to do, and the last film he ever made.

Firstly, making a movie based on a book that for all intents and purposes was a piece of garbage, and borderline unreadable, was Speilberg's largest error (but don't worry he made more). Peter Benchley....whatever center for higher learning educated this man should be raized immediately. Not only did Speilberg choose to highlight Benchley's work on the big screen, but he also gave the failed novelist a cameo part in Jaws itself....that of a T.V. news reporter. Perhaps this was Speilberg's only wise decision as Benchley was clearly the finest actor in this film, and thus deserving of the Ironside Agenda.

The actors. Roy Scheider as Chief Brody.... portrayed as raging alcoholic in the film, perhaps only to cover the actors true battle with the demons of the bottle.....Richard Dreyfus and Oceanographer Matt Hooper.....again a really great casting decision if it weren't for the fact their were no Hobbits in the book Jaws.... and Robert Shaw. Perhaps one of Hollywood's greatest failures, returned to show us why he sucks rocks as the enigmatic sea captain Quint. I would mention Lorraine Gary....but why? The woman has done little else but the Jaws films......and Speilberg in the back of his Pontiac Electra during production.

So Speilberg tries to tackle the story of large great white shark that decides to terrorize a small Island community with little to no technology, and a bag full of artsy camera tricks. So, since the mechanical shark was essentially useless throughout production of Jaws, we don't even get to see the creature until a solid hour has passed, and then we are treated to references of it, by the clever use of harpoon kegs, splashing water, and fishing line.....what a complete hoax. This is why Shark Attack 3: Megalodon is a far superior movie, and still stands as the quintessential shark film today.

Jaws is a complete and utter disaster from beginning to end, and should be avoided at all costs. It serves as an outstanding example of how not to make a movie, and should have been the impetus for Speilberg's banishment from Hollywood.

Hamlin Grade: 1

You spend two minutes alone, and you feel shame.
Duges