"So how do you want to take em?"

"Fast"

Bridge Of Dragons starts out with a bang, in a time "where the future meets the past", which would most likely make it the present, but it's supposed to be futuristic so I'll play along. The epic beginning starts out with Dolph Lundgren playing a characer named Warchyld, the type of soldier who wears fatigues and blows things up. This is when I realized that Dolph Lundgren is simply put, the greatest export from Sweden. Now keep in mind this doesn't say much because all of Sweden's imports in the entertainment industry were Ace Of Base, ABBA, A-Teens (A shitty cover band that plays trashy disco songs from by ABBA, oh the humanity!) , Roxette and of course (shudder) Europe. It's no wonder then that Dolph Lundgren makes his country proud by making up for the awfulness of those mentioned, by basically blowing tons of shit up. Now i'm not sure if this qualifies as patriotism but if working hard to undo the damage dished out by ABBA, nobody works harder than Dolph Lundgren. (Although it's futile, because as much as I love The Punisher, Sweden is forever on my shitlist for Europe's Carrie.) This is why his action movies open with explosions and fist fights which make him the greatest thing since sliced bread.

"Pray, this may hurt a little!"

However Dolph Lundgren is joined by Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, who was in such genre greats as Mortal Kombat, Rising Sun, The Perfect Weapon and of course Kickboxer 2. Tagawa pretty much steals the show with his Hitler hairdo, which is only eclipsed by Hulk Hogan's mullet (despite baldness) as worst hairdo in a film. (Actually come to think of it, Kyle MacLachan's hairdo in Showgirls was a tad worse) Tagawa shows he means business by kicking the ass of a rebel thug, who got his ass whumped by Dolph. Tagawa by the way plays a dictator named Ruechang, and to show he's meaner than Warchyld,he slits the throat of the rebel soldier, although he gives him a chance to escape by letting the thug fight Ruechang to the death, and because we wouldn't have a fight otherwise, the fight is slaughter with Ruechang kicking the thug in the nuts (at least twice!) and unfortunately we don't get to see the gore. We also know that Ruechang is a psycho because he considers it "The perfect wedding gift"

"I have other things to do then help you get in trouble!"

This is where we meet Princess Halo (Valerie Chow) who is being forced to marry Ruechang, for reasons completely unknown. It's not explained other then that Ruechang wants to marry her and seize the throne, which doesn't make sense he pretty much rules the land anyway, but I guess a title of king is enough to satisfy the bastard. It's here we witness just how viscous the cold hearted Ruechang is. Ruechang actively beats the princess and has the power to confine her to a room for hours at a time. The princess knows how to fight and she likes to fight in a stick fighting tournament.

"What's the problem, I won"

Warchyld also competes in the stick fighting competition. It's here I realized why I loved Dolph Lundgren movies so much. It's because of pointless (yet well choreographed) fight sequences such as this, now how a princess can hold her own against a killing machine is never explained. After all Warchyld is like a foot taller and weighs way more, but this is Bridge Of Dragons and Issac Florentine specializes in these type of "Watch and don't think" type movies. Suffice to say Warchyld almost loses until he slaps mud in the eyes of the princess (Who by the way never claims the prize money, or for that matter goes unnoticed in a town crawling with rebels looking for an angle to take down Ruechang) she loses and Warchyld recognizes her but is put down in the pig shit (if you lose, you land in pig shit) and Warchyld wins the money.

"Bring me my bride"

This is where we learn that Ruechang killed the princess' father, to which she vows that Ruechang will never sit on the throne. So she decides to join the rebels and Warchyld is asked to retreve her, after numerous fight sequences (That are shoehorned into the plot) in which Warchyld fights slave traitors, forrest dwelling crooks and dim witted soldiers Warchyld captures the princess, she says that Ruechang will kill her after she gives birth to a son, Warchyld doesn't believe her and would be psychological depth about Warchyld's past (He was saved by Ruechang from the orphanage) comes to surface, a reunion is planned and this is where Ruechang's violent tendencies come out, he smacks the princess and what does Warchyld do? Why he crescent kicks Ruechang so hard, he spins three times in the air! (I'm not making this up) To which Warchyld grabs the princess stuffs her in the helicopter and rides off!.

"All men are killers. He just me a good one"

This is where we get a helicopter fight sequence (Oh by the way, all helicopters and cars have 666 on the side of their doors!) Warchyld and princess are forced down, which is weird because bringing them down could kill the princess, but I digress. The two run in slow motion in which an explosion goes off and Warchyld and The Princess jump in slow motion. They're also saved by the rebels and after Warchyld convinces the rebels that he's switched sides, explains that Ruechang will be back.

"You can't kill Ruechang, but I can!"

Warchyld gets all lovey dovey with the princess and decides to carry out an assassination attempt, but feels the rebels are in danger so he comes in too late and a big fight sequence breaks out. This is a fun little action sequence where Dolph Lundgren jumps a lot and kicks lots of ass. Of course because we are only an hour into the proceedings, Warchyld is outnumbered and is beaten by Ruechang. Almost killed by Ruechang, the princess promises marriage if Ruechang spares Warchyld, Ruechang relunctantly agrees, but sends a couple of soldiers to kill Warchyld.

"There will never be any love between us!"

Warchyld beats the crap out of the soldiers and comes up with a plan to distrupt the wedding. It's here Ruechang tells the princess that Warchyld is dead and that if she doesn't go with his plan, he'll turn her life into a nightmare. Of course the princess' response is to commit suicide and kill Ruechang by poisoning the wine they share but right before she is about to drink it, Warchyld throws a knife and the crowd finds out that Ruechang killed the king and a massive battle ensues between the heroes and villains. Once again Bridge Of Dragons can be seen as one of Lundgren's more enjoyable efforts. Still Bridge Of Dragons makes very little sense, it features action for no other reason then the fact that blowing stuff up is fun and Tagawa and Chow are the only Asian actors in the cast. (Which is strange because they're the ones that rule the land.) Plus for some reason the movie comes off like they mixed Hamlet with Red Scorpion, which in itself doesn't seem like an easy combo to fuse together.

"This isn't the end, it's only the beginning"

The best part of Bridge Of Dragons, is whenever the Dolphster kicks the crap out of random, various people. Literly nobody is safe from the destruction of one of his well placed axe kicks, or for that matter the way he can land perfectly into a car, after diving four stories from a church. (Interestingly enough, he lands not only NOT hurting himself but still able to kick the guy out of the car.) Also it never ceases to amaze me how Warchyld and The Princess can go to various parts of town and not get noticed. Still what it all comes down to is asskicking, and the question is whether Bridge Of Dragons has it. Yes it does, and yes Dolph Lundgren is the best asskicker ever to come from Sweden. So, why fight the temptation, we all need guilty pleasures.


"Quit your damn whining and move!"

In closing, Bridge Of Dragons isn't simply a must see for fans of bad movies, it's a must for anyone who hasn't become introduced to Sweden's number one badass, it also makes perfect viewing for the wife and kids, for the throat slittings, the various ass-kickings, the random violence against innocent bystanders,actually it's pretty much random violence against anything that moves, all a certified parenting tool, guaranteed to turn your wimpy kids into little hyper killing machines. After all, if a movie like Kids depicts the reality of U.S teens, raising killing machines such as these, in the long run, contribute to society.

Hamlin Grade: 7

Ryan