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The Day After Tomorrow. Wouldn't that be two days from today? 48 hours from now? Three days from yesterday? If you are reading this review today, then The Day After Tomorrow would be Friday. But what if you read it Tomorrow? Then the day in question, becomes Saturday, does it not?
Back to the film on the table. The Day After Tomorrow is your run of the mill disaster flick, that really doesn't push the standard any further. The cast is made up of a bunch of forgettables, but does manage to comfort us with notable performances from Dennis Quaid, and a pre-Brokeback Mountain Jake Gyllenhaal. But not really.
An ice age is coming, similiar to the one that has visited this planet in it's prehistoric past, and only Dennis Quaid can save us! Actually he can't. In the Day After Tomorrow, we're all fucked. Quaid plays Jack Hall, a character not unlike the Dr. Keyes that Aaron Eckhart played in The Core..... the lone individual who discovers that the Earth is going to be destroyed, yet lacks the ability to convince anyone of their findings. Hall learns this new Ice Age is coming, and like all socially inept scientists, can't coerce the President (played by Perry King of 80's T.V.'s Rip Tide fame.... I swear I'm not kidding....I had more lines in this movie than he did) to plan accordingly. This marks the first appearance by a Kneel before Zod President since the Bad Movie Knights Glossary term's inception. Isn't also funny that when the shit hits' the fan, none of these doctors ever say 'I fucking told you so'. In fact all of these poor bastards follow the Jor El (Superman's father....Marlon Brando)campaign. Jor El exclaims the planet is doomed, everyone retorts 'Jor El you're high'..... and the planet explodes. Sadly for Jor El, he never had a chance to toss out the ole 'I told you so'. I guarantee he would have told the council what a group of jackasses they were. Two Superman refernces in one review?
Ok, I've really gone on a tangent here. That of course speaks volumes about the Day After Tomorrow (I'm getting really tired of typing out that title) which aside from a really cool multiple tornado sequence that completely destroys Los Angeles (except for a janitor) and a giant tidal wave that appears to come from an ocean just beyond New Jersey (this is a classic Hollywood let's make up geography moment.... a staple of the disaster movie), but regardless of it's origin, NYC hasn't seen a flood of this scale since Deep Impact (that's a movie about a couple of prison inmates).
After that, this bad movie has nothing else to offer. Jake Gyllenhaal's performance as Sam Hall (Quaid's character's son) is forgettable (actually unless he's riding Heath Ledger viking-style in an under-sized tent, the guy doesn't do much for me), much like the rest of the film, and except for a few doses of eye candy. Sam get's trapped in New York, and manages to stave off freezing to death by burning books at the NY Public Library. Nice work Nazi! The remainder of the film, is the Senior Hall's quest to New York to save him, which is an entirely believable journey on foot all the way from Washington D.C.
Ultimately, The Day After Tomorrow, will have you craving for three days from now.
Hamlin Grade: 2.5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
The Academy. Is there an organization on this planet with less credibility? The answer is a violently scorching no.
Only in the world of the Oscar is it possible for Halle Berry to have achieved Hollywood's greatest honor (second greatest actually, the first being bedded by Michael Caine), while legendary director Martin Scorsese has failed on mulitiple attempts.
Of course, this week, Mr. Scorsese was finally annointed, but everyone, including himself knows this Oscar was a watered down apology for not recognizing his brilliance 30 fucking years ago. Taxi Driver? Raging Bull? Good Fellas? Are you fucking kidding me?
The Scorsese is the Bad Movie Knights term that laments the Academy for being political, and correcting their past errors in judgement by awarding consolation rather than brilliant film-making, or theatrical performances. We also recognize the Academy for being a collection of assholes who should go suck a bag of dicks (thank you Louie C.K.)!
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
King Solomon's Mines isn't only one of the worst movies to come out of the 80's (Remember ROTOR came out that decade) but it's debatable if it's also the worst movie ever made. An irritating rip off of Indianna Jones with Richard Chamberlain and a pre-stardom Sharon Stone (Boy, she's lucky Paul Verhoeven gave her Total Recall and Basic Instinct because prior to those movies Police Academy 4 was one of her better movies) and let it be said that this is so bad it sucks the life and energy out of you.
The movie finds our two dim witted heroes running from the head honcho (John Rhys Davies who went on to star in such dreadful bad movies as Firewalker and Cyborg Cop) who is after a mine that has lots of priceless treasure, of course the nazis get involved as do cannibal tribes and two heroes so annoying you just wish a bullet would end it all. (In fact this on the top ten list of movies, NOT to watch when suicidal.) Naturally sludge like this can be interesting if it's taken with such extreme seriousness (god forbid they actually take the time to craft some reasonable looking action sequences) or is actually good. Unfortunately this turd is made with all the energy of an average episode of The O.C (Which got cancelled, thank goodness!) and comedy so painfully witless you swear that you're watching Rob Schneider.
There really is nothing left to say, I mean it's just an awful movie, with dull production values, obnoxious "comic" dialog, terrible acting and limp directing. Such a thing would call out for if it had good action, but these soulless excercises in stuntmen jumping in mid air is conducted with no sense of excitement and the movie is just painful to sit through.
Wow this is my shortest review, but I don't know what else to say, this is seriously a banal waste of time. An opportunity that should never have been taken and no sense of enjoyment to be had by the audience unfortunate enough to find themselves subjected to this disaster.
From the people from Cannon, who usually specialize in the fun type of crap. I mean nobody ever (or to this day does) expect cinematic quality from the geniuses who gave us the Missing In Action series, the Death Wish sequels or American Ninja series, now those movies at least had some energy, even if they weren't good movies. (Still enjoyable movies) Really when approaching an adventure genre styled movie, what they should've done was make Michael Dudikoff or Charles Bronson the star, add in tons of ninjas, lots of ridiculous action and a big bodycount. With these factors this would've been at least hilarious and surreal, ah the road not taken. Watching Cannon attempt to meld intentional comedy with high flying adventure is akin to passing a 9 pound kidney stone. It's hopeless. It's unwatchable. It's painful to sit through. Worst of all it's all excruciatingly dull. There that's the end of my review now just don't watch the damn thing, okay?
So this is what will happen if we break the Earth? The Core offers us a futuristic glimpse of what our gluttonous lifestyles will bring about in this bad movie that follows the standard disaster movie formula to the letter.
Cue, some random events that foreshadow our doom that include 50 or so sorry individuals collapsing because an EMP (electro-magnetic pulse to the uncool) shorts out their pacemakers (are there really that many people using pacemakers? what is the pacemaker populations density of our planet I wonder?), and a shit load of pigeons in London do their best Alfred Hitchcock (ha ha I said cock) impression and begin swarming on some poor tourist in Trafalgar Square. The events of course intensify throughout the film to include a lightning storm that levels a large part of Italy, and a beam of sunlight that cuts a path through San Francisco killing untold millions (I exaggerate slightly). For the most part the special effects in The Core are spot on, and hold up to just about any disaster film..... and so does the acting.
We discover that the Earth's core has stopped rotating, thus electromagnetic field it generates, which in turn protects us from the Sun's harmful rays, is sadly deteriorating. Dr. Josh Keyes (Aaron Eckhart, of Thank You for Smoking fame ....decent film by the way.....everytime I hear Eckhart's name all I can think of is hard body Jack Palance in Batman picking up the phone and saying "Give me Lt. Eckhaaaart".....I digress) is the first to discover this unfortunate phenomenon and brings it to the attention of Dr. Conrad Zimsky (played by Ironside Agenda winner Stanley Tucci) who then uses his extraordinary pull to gain an audience with the who's who of the United States Government. The result of this meeting? Shove a bunch of really smart people into a giant penis drilling machine, and tunnel to the center of the planet and restart....THE CORE!
On board the cock-vessel is of course Dr. Keyes, and Dr. Zimsky, Dr. Ed 'Braz' Brazzleton (played by Delroy Lindo), Dr. Serge Leveque (portrayed by Tchéky Karyo..... the French commander from The Patriot that gave Mel Gibson the business...when necessary), and Maj. Rebecca Childs (played by two time Oscar Winner, and star of the Next Karate Kid, Hilary Swank. I was going to give her a pass on the Foxx, since it is a year or two removed from her first Oscar win....but I'm an asshole, so she get's Foxxed! ). The pork sword machine has a huge laser attached to it's large mushroom-like head that allows it to travel easily through rock, and the hull of the dickship is made of an indestructible metal so it can withstand the pressure as it travels deeper....and deeper, oh yeah, deeper, don't stop, I'm almost there....YES! Ok, if you can suspend disbelief and buy into all of this crap, then you are well on your way to enjoy the Core. No seriously.
Like most disaster flicks, you can pretty much ascertain who are the red-shirt away team members from Star Trek, as they are picked off one by one as they make it to the center of the Earth. Nothing is ever easy I guess, but no one said drilling to the planets core would be a walk in the park.
The Core, while completely predictable is blessed with a cast that includes many quality actors that really over do it, and for the most part hand in perfect bad movie performances (otherwise mail it in, and collect their checks). At one point I thought George Lucas may have directed this judging by the cast's inability to portray anything, and looked as though they were reading from tele-prompters In fairness the actors are really there to just point shit out to us, and say look 'San Francisco is on fire' and 'hey my pussy hurts' (ooops wrong movie)....but you get the idea.
In the end its a shame that special effects guru's haven't figured out a way to improve actors performances the way they can the visuals we see. I would say that one day ILM may be able to figure out, but then I remembered that George Lucas owns that company, and is probably already designing an anti-acting software to highlight the CGI effects in his films.
Explosions, destruction, killer pigeons, death and monster schlong ship! All are available in this enima-like ride known only as The Core!
Hamlin Grade: 3
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
"They tried and failed."
That statement would fit many ambitious Hollywood efforts, but I am more interested in films that deserve this statement "They tried and died!" The Weirding Way pays homage to David Lynch's behemoth of badness, Dune! This term takes place when a movie faces no obstacles in the way of finances or production, but forgets the very essence of movie making . . . storytelling. Yes, on countless occasions the kids in Hollywood fail to provide a cohesive tale worth telling. The amount of time and money poured into the creation of Dune has been well documented, and needless to say, the film did not live up to expectations . . . hence The Weirding Way. While this term derives from Dune, it is important to note that this film does not actually deserve the term it inspires. How you ask? Dune is a tremendous display of bad movie making in all it's glory, while the movies that actually deserve the distinction of The Weirding Way are soulless and have nothing of value to offer viewers.
One filmmaker who is a repeat offender of producing Weirding Way films is my nemesis; Kevin Costner. Costner's holy war against filmdom is well known, but what fuels his battle is his inability to choose a worthwhile script. Correction; his inability to choose a worthwhile script and his utter lack of acting ability. Wait, one more time; his inability to choose a worthwhile script, his utter lack of acting ability . . . and that giant cranium of his! Damn you Costner!!!
The latest master of the Weirding Way is George Lucas with his prequels. He throws gobs of money at stories that do not deserve to see the light of day. My resistance to view these films was the same reason I didn't see Titanic or the Passion of the Christ . . . I knew how they fucking ended!!! My apologies, this is starting to read like a rant instead of a definition of a term so I will end here. If you have any questions about the Weirding Way feel free to post them on our message board hear at BMK.com, or call 1-900-Weirding Way and have all your fantasies come true!
Fletch is a killing word!
When I first saw the title Vertical Limit, my first thought was that it was movie about the height of arousal one achieves when staring at Patrick Swayze. Of course I laughed out loud at this notion, because there is no limit to the ecstasy that Mr. Swayze delivers to an individuals errogenous zones. How silly of me.
Vertical Limit, however is a movie which involves excitment and adventure on K2, one of the largest mountains in the world! What a total pile of bullshit. Man I didn't even buy that and I just wrote it 10 seconds ago. Vertical Limit is really stupid. The movie has no point other than to setup a bunch of retarded assholes in near death situations, and provide a multitude of scenarios in which to kill said assholes. Everyone dies in this mother fucker, which is perhaps one of it's more endearing qualities. Also, our friend and lover Fletch has taken a sabbatical to the lovely mountains of Boulder, Colorado this week. In his honor I've decided to celebrate his journey through the art of film.....films specifically dedicated to the mountains, snow, skiing, and all the rest of the crap that draws dipshits like Fletch to this poorly oxygeniated, ass nugget of a town called Boulder. Yeah I'm sure it's great, go smoke your dope and ski you fucking hippies.
Vertical Limit starts off with a bang, or a splat rather, as Peter (Chris O'Donnell of Batman and Robin fame) and Annie (Robin Tunney...why am I even mentioning her name?) Garret's Father plummets to his death while mountain climbing with his kids. Peter is forced to cut his father's line at his behest, because the rope can't hold all three of them....so he does....and Mr. Garrett dies. Annie of course, hates Peter because he listened to his dad and killed him, and this theme will continue throughout the movie....Annie is a dickhead anyway.
Fast forward a few years, and Annie has become one of the world's best mountain climbers and his hired by Airline owner and millionaire Elliot Vaughn (played by Bill Paxton, who is the Ironside Agenda winner in this one) to lead him and his team to the top of K2 as part of a marketing stunt. Can you already see where this is going? Annie leads Vaughn and the team to doom ( a huge Avalanche and storm, and probably ninjas and dragons assault the climbers)....which is a the bottom of an ice cavern where she, Vaugh, and other guide Tom McLaren wait to die.....unless....brother Peter can save the day!
Peter of course hasn't really done much climbing since his father's death.... yes he's followed the path of the pussy much like Maverick in every Tom Cruise movie. Give up, quit, then rebound to show everyone you still got it YEAH SUPER! Peter then organizes a team of rescuers to climb K2 along with Montgomery Wick (played by Scott Glenn....he's kind of the Ben Kenobi of the mountain, who never smiles, and is basically a fucking asshole the entire film....he's bitter because he wants to find his wife, who died somewhere on K2 years before....but really who cares).
The best part of Vertical Limit is without question Bill Paxton as Elliot Vaughn. His character is such an asshole he convinces the other dying climber in the cavern not to take there share of the Atrophine (or some other life saving drug or device mountain climbers use..... I have a great mountain climbing life saving device too.... it's called don't climb fucking mountains) because they are going to die anyway, and they should give it to him instead since he has a better chance of surviving. It's classic. He's so openly a dick to everyone and they all buy into it. Really he saves this movie, but not so much that is doesn't remain a bad movie.
The rest of Vertical Limit involves getting to know a parade of characters and then watching them die in spectacular fashion. Frankly the complete disregard for human life in this epic is outstanding. I believe 9 people travel to the top of K2 to save 3, and 2 make it, and bring back 1. I guess I just fucked up the ending for you. Well not really, you don't know who makes out alive, so it's still worth watching.
Scott Glenn kills Bill Paxton.
Hamlin Grade: 4.5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
I must admit that I always feel a sense of duty when it comes to fitting in. By that I mean, if I see that everyone has reviewed a Kevin Costner movie, I have to go and review one. Hence the story of why I rented the movie called Revenge, which shockingly is based on novel. (Given the soap opera quality of this movie, it was most likely a romance novel.) Anyway the cover pretty much boasts that the movie is going to be non-stop Kevin Costner mug. I mean look at the cover, his face overshadows the other co-stars in the picture. This proves the theory of Costner club very well. Revenge is a like watching a romance novel come to life and that is a sad thing to behold.
Anyway the movie is helmed by Tony Scott who has helmed some good movies (Man On Fire, Crimson Tide and Last Boyscout to name but a couple.) and some really bad movies (Domino,Top Gun and Days Of Thunder) Revenge is one of Scott's worse films, lacking his over the top ethusiasm or even the sturdy action that one would assume with the man's name. Indeed when it comes to revenge, Scott delivers far more satisfying results in Man On Fire. Of course Denzel Washington is a good actor and Kevin Costner is...well you know is Kevin Costner. What makes Revenge so irritating is that if Tony Scott had the balls to turn this into a hard edged vigilante action flick this movie would've easily overcome the Costner flaw. Sadly because Tony Scott actively resists the action element we end up stuck with a love triangle that just goes nowhere.
I'm not sure if this is possible, but can two actors pull off the Ironside agenda? Because both Miguel Ferrer (always a welcome actor) and Anthony Quinn are the only ones who play their parts well. Quinn actually creates a likable villain and really his charm and charisma easily overwhelms Costner and Madeline Stowe. While Ferrer creates a far more interesting characater than Costner, only sadly we learn little about his character because we have Costner's face to gawk at. Sadly these performances are in vain since the material is so ridiculous and because the movie is so dull. Another flaw is that the actors have such limited screen time (I mean come on who would you rather see Anthony Quinn or Kevin Costner?) that it's impossible to identify with characters, so what we have is a movie that is Tony Scott filming Kevin Costner at every waking moment. Costner of course contains very little screen presence so there is just nothing but folds of interminable tedium during the would be plot development.
Then there are the sex scenes, I'm somewhat puzzled now on why I didn't name the Van Damn after Kevin Costner, has there been any other actor out there who has showed his ass more than this guy? (Van Damme aside...) This guy from Dances With Wolves,this movie, Robin Hood:Prince Of Theives and Bodyguard (if i'm not mistaken) so we ended up with four years straight of Costner showing us glistening buttocks which only comes second to how much he shows his face in his movies. Believe me when I say that my colleagues hit the hammer on the head when they said that he weaves films with only his face. Revenge is literly nothing but that.
We do get some nudity from Madeline Stowe but really, these sex scenes show more Costner than her and this can only be seen as a tragedy. What's even worse is how the movie paints these two ridiculous characters, for instance Stowe comes off as a slutty drama queen, where as Costner comes off as an arrogant prick. So watching this, the audience feels no real sense of vengeance being served cold but rather served lame.
I mean after all, Costner sleeps with his best friend's wife and Stowe sleeps with her husband's best friend. Making them worthy of the severe beatings and comeuppance Quinn inflicts. Worst of all, this is all handled like a romance novel so any sense of vengeance is lost by the drippy romance, and the romance angle is killed by the stiff acting and unlikable characters.
In other words, Revenge is basically what you'd expect from an early 90's Kevin Costner. Which is lots of Van Damn!, tons of cameras focusing on Costner's mug, unlikable protagonists, and no real sense of satisfaction justifying the work out on your eyeballs. It's bad, it's melodramatic, it's simplistic and worst of all it's boring. But hey, Costner sure has a great face.
Hamlin Grade: 1
"You are not the President. No one who leads so many could possibly kneel so quickly."
Exactly Zod. Exactly.
In Hollywood, some films require the appearance of the President of the United States. Rather than date said film by giving us an actor impersonating the current President in office, most movie makers choose to create a fictional President..... an act that we refer to as Kneel before Zod.
Kneel before Zod is a Bad Movie Knights glossary term that also celebrates the casual selection by a Casting Director of any thespian to play this made up President of the United States of America, thus further destroying the credibility and believability of this role. In most cases, the role in said movie is arbitrary, and contains a few poetic lines, and our Kneel before Zod President is represented by the standard old guy. However, some movies require an actor who can actually perform (even though in most cases of Kneel before Zod, they cannot) so we get a name actor portraying the leader of the free world. Dan Akroyd, Jeff and Lloyd Bridges, Harrison Ford, Gene Hackman (two time KBZer), Bill Pullman, Dennis and Randy Quaid have all Knelt before Zod.
While viewing a masterpiece during your Bad Movie Night, and you witness a President that you are fairly certain that you yourself or no one else voted for (Bush not included), then you are Kneeling before Zod.
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
I think it's all pretty obvious that such a movie like this would exist only in the straight to video market. In that this would be the type of movie, if made in the 80's would be paired next to the new David Carradine action flick. However as a fan of such grotesque badness, I must admit that Deaden ISN'T the worst made movie. In fact with all things considered Deaden is fairly competent in a no budget action flick type of way. On the other hand though, this is one insanely ridiculous bad movie. Hence making it perfect for Bad Movie Knights.
The first thing one needs to know, is that the lead actor is none other than Arrow In The Head's John Fallon. To pay homage to such, he literly gets shot in the head with an arrow. We open with Arrow, tied to a chair (in a wifebeater, no less!) watching the humilating torture of his wife from his former associates. (I couldn't figure out whether he was a biker, druglord or just a thug) And how do they torture his lovely wife? By sticking a baseball bat down her snatch! I share in Pat's disdain for the game of baseball, but i'm fairly sure that if there were more bats going into various snatches, the game of baseball would probably still be boring. However things get truly surreal when they give the wife a free abortion. We even get to see the baby (Which looks like a doll dipped in blood batter) Of course we witness this sequence for quite awhile. Then Arrow reacts violently, although he waits for his wife's death before doing anything. And this is when he gets an arrow in the head and is then dumped in the river.
The Arrow lives however and the agenda of the day, is getting revenge. And how does he accomplish task? He forces a woman to eat glass (Who did the baseball probe on wife) he forces her to eat it by the chunks. Which is I must admit i've never seen before on film, although the next set piece is somehow even more of a showstopper. You see he goes to kill the next guy responsible for his wife and his baby's murder and this time he uses a pool stick to shove up the ass of said guy. How does this guy die? Well he dies by getting a pool stick shoved straight through his asshole and into his throat. Once again i've yet to ever see this duplicated in another film.
One thing about Arrow, is his dependency on a pain killer, which he chews. In addition to the meds, he drinks and does coke a lot. This one of those movies that Partnership For A Drug Free America would force the video distributers to put in a PSA explaining the horror of drug use. In fact I was reminded of one such commercial which relates to Arrow. I do coke, so I can make the pain go away, so I can kill more people, so I can do more coke, so I can make the pain go away, so I can kill more people. (The commercial by the way went "I do coke, so I can work longer, so I can make more money, so I can do more coke...Again and again ending with "I'm always chasing rainbows." as very glum music plays. It's on the Maniac Cop 2 video, in case you want to see the best drug ad ever.) Anyway if Arrow isn't killing people, he's inhaling coke. I kept wondering if he was going to drop dead from an overdose before he could kill all the bad guys.
As for the rest of the guys, there is one such bad guy who somewhat looks like Jeff Wincott, so much so I stopped the DVD and checked IMDb to find out if this is where Wincott had been hiding. Unfortunately the Wincott factor was denied and instead the guy goes by Sam the man, which when he receives his punishment, is in the middle of receiving a blowjob, from a man! Of course Arrow unleashes fists of fury that sends the innocent gay man to the big Liza Minelli show up in the sky. This of course pisses off our Jeff Wincott lookalike so a fight ensues with Arrow squishing his eyes and snapping his neck.
We learn much more and there is a plot twist, which makes zero sense. With a last bad guy that delivers zero payoff and in the end Deaden ends in a whimper. What is most shocking about Deaden, is that John Fallon (AKA Arrow) can sort of act. Now keep in mind the man is no Nicholson as he's about one step below Don "The Dragon" Wilson and one above Lorenzo Lamas. Which of course means he has the whole strong and silent type of role down, fairly competently. Basically the acting isn't as awful as say Troll 2's, but it's about on par for what you'd find in a Roger Corman production. So in other words, the acting is lame but not awful. Still I have to hand it to this movie, not only does try extremely hard to deliver the blood drenched goods (and at times it almost does) but also adds such a pretentious vibe as well as over the top antics which border on the surreal, that it's nearly impossible to not stay somewhat fascinated by this excercise in grotesque excess.
Also it features an amatuer abortion, a rape by baseball bat, a stick going up someone's ass, glass eating, people on fire, tons of drug use and scrubs that engage in one on one combat with hurt patients. Also in a fine moment, we witness Arrow beat up a drunk who makes an ass out of himself at a bar, of course it's night time when Arrow gets drunk (And meets the drunk) and beats up the guy in the day time. Now that is an action hero.
Oh and to make sure Arrow follows in the footsteps of the Belgian's best actor, he pulls a Van Damn!, During a sex scene in flashback (Which by the way are all over the place.) so for those who's lifelong ambition was to see the Arrow's ass, you are in luck. Of course I question the discretion of one said Arrow, because he could inspire a new slew of movie site critics to start baring their bare bottoms. I don't even want to think about Harry Knowles or Gene Shalit pulling a Van Damn, I mean seriously forget the whole nukes, global warming or a meteor this is what would end the universe.
Note from Pat: This movie is so bad, Amazon.com doesn't even offer it for purchase.....now I have to see this.
Hamlin Grade: 5
Who made Who? Well, Stephen King wrote this gem, then went onto to direct its big screen counterpart with generous helpings of Emilio Estevez, and a soundtrack consisting of nothing but AC DC......how could any movie go wrong with that? Maximum Overdrive manages to find a way.
Showcasing his ineptitude as a director, Stephen King opens Maximum Overdrive with a healthy paragraph about what is going on in the movie. Perhaps, this was best, because rather than wasting time, we get right to the story (well, sort of).
Maximum Overdrive opens with us being introduced to an Earth that is presently in the wake of a passing comet. The result of it's trajectory passing through the Earth's orbit is that the planet is bathed in a green cloud....which will apparently last for 7 days (when the comet will pass by the Earth).
Aside from the monochromatic northern lights, the comets appearance has also caused all machinery on Earth to come to life, and in a capacity designed to be less than beneficial to us humans. Ok, so let's sum up. Comet flys by Earth. Earth glows green. Toasters try to kill us. Got it? Good. Because that's it.
Sure, King attempts to create a handful of characters that we give a shit about, but really by the end of this movie you are rooting for their deaths. For some unknown reason, everyone seems to seek refuge at a local truck stop...because their wouldn't be any machinery there right? Our small band of heroes (victims) are surrounded by and army of tractor trailers, garbage trucks, bull dozers, and even a small amphibious military vehicle armed with an M-60 (that's a really big machine gun for you unknowing dicks). Their plan is to wait out the 7 days for the comet to leave and stay alive. Good plan.
Maximum Overdrive does provide some genious movie moments, whether it be killer soda machines, to an outfield full of Little Leaguers being crushed by an evil steam roller....Director Stephen King has the blood pumps working in overdrive. The opening sequence, has a bank machine actually calling King (yes he put himself in this one too) an asshole.....then seques to a draw bridge that decides to open and kill everyone on it during rush hour. As I said earlier, once the narrative is layed on us, the blood starts spraying.
Emilio Estevez is at his best in this.....which isn't saying much. His character, a cook at the truckstop on parole (how many of his characters have been on parole? Wisdom? The Outsiders? Repo Man? The Mighty Ducks?....me thinks we've been Biehn Screened here) eventually becomes the heroic figure of the film.....that for the lack of any other name actor who would sign on to do this crap.
When all is said and done, Maximum Overdrive is a great bad movie. Bad Movie Knights will enjoy the concise, almost non-existant story, the lack of dialogue and therefore acting (aside from that annoying bitch that does the voiceover for Lisa Simpson) and the directorial debut of one our finest novelists, Stephen King. Joel Schumacher he is not....but who is? Thankfully no one.
Hamlin Grade: 5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
Bad Movie Knights, I apologize for my absence, but rest assured, the wait should be well worth it. I return today to seek vengeance on what mine eyes have viewed this day. I give you the travesty Jaws.
How anyone calls this a classic is beyond me. Jaws has been ordained one of director Steven Speilberg's greatest achievements and propelled the young film maker to legendary status in the 1970's....when in reality this movie should have been a lesson in what not to do, and the last film he ever made.
Firstly, making a movie based on a book that for all intents and purposes was a piece of garbage, and borderline unreadable, was Speilberg's largest error (but don't worry he made more). Peter Benchley....whatever center for higher learning educated this man should be raized immediately. Not only did Speilberg choose to highlight Benchley's work on the big screen, but he also gave the failed novelist a cameo part in Jaws itself....that of a T.V. news reporter. Perhaps this was Speilberg's only wise decision as Benchley was clearly the finest actor in this film, and thus deserving of the Ironside Agenda.
The actors. Roy Scheider as Chief Brody.... portrayed as raging alcoholic in the film, perhaps only to cover the actors true battle with the demons of the bottle.....Richard Dreyfus and Oceanographer Matt Hooper.....again a really great casting decision if it weren't for the fact their were no Hobbits in the book Jaws.... and Robert Shaw. Perhaps one of Hollywood's greatest failures, returned to show us why he sucks rocks as the enigmatic sea captain Quint. I would mention Lorraine Gary....but why? The woman has done little else but the Jaws films......and Speilberg in the back of his Pontiac Electra during production.
So Speilberg tries to tackle the story of large great white shark that decides to terrorize a small Island community with little to no technology, and a bag full of artsy camera tricks. So, since the mechanical shark was essentially useless throughout production of Jaws, we don't even get to see the creature until a solid hour has passed, and then we are treated to references of it, by the clever use of harpoon kegs, splashing water, and fishing line.....what a complete hoax. This is why Shark Attack 3: Megalodon is a far superior movie, and still stands as the quintessential shark film today.
Jaws is a complete and utter disaster from beginning to end, and should be avoided at all costs. It serves as an outstanding example of how not to make a movie, and should have been the impetus for Speilberg's banishment from Hollywood.
Hamlin Grade: 1
You spend two minutes alone, and you feel shame.
Lately I've been seeing more and more advertisements designed to scare the very feces from our bowels by detailing the horrors of tobacco use. My 75" high definition, wall mounted, plasma screen television is now displaying images, of singers with holes in their throats, ice sculptures with dolls suspended within them, body parts in trash cans, wind up toys, chalk outlines of bodies and so on... all in an effort to show us that smoking cigarettes is harmful. Infect Truth?
Is there anyone out there that still doesn't realize that using tobacco isn't healthy? Infect Truth? I doubt it (and if there are, I assure you that that part of the herd could use some thinning). Let's face it, your ad campaign is about 20 years too late. While you think your marketing is cutting edge, and hip, really, the message is outdated, and common knowledge. Your advertisement has the same relevance as a commercial billboard stating that Adolf Hitler wasn't fond of the Jews. Duh.
Infect Truth? You should all go back and try to find a new cause to rally behind. Have a smoke while you are at it too.
This is the word of Caine.
Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.
Missing In Action 2 starts out like any good epic about Vietnam. It starts out with a pretext about how we've stood by and let the Vietnamese violate the geneva convention and it even features Ronald Reagan's last film appearance in film as he gives a heartfelt speech about those who died in Vietnam, as well as those who are missing in action. Truly Lance Hool has used this footage to stir up emotions that would have Bill O'Reilly soiling his trousers. However it's here we learn why the Chuck Norris facts are all true.
"Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding."
Missing In Action 2 (Which we will call MIA 2 from now on...) finds Chuck Norris stars as Braddock a POW who is at a Vietnamese prison camp, where the various activities of the day are digging for worms, getting tortured and never eating. We find that the soldiers don't know what year it is, or even if the war is over, mainly because they're out in the boonies. One such soldier named Nester (Steven Williams) has signed a confession and has become the warden's pet, while trying to convince Braddock to sign a phony wrap that he is a war criminal. The warden by the way is Colonel Yin (Soon Tek Oh) who has an unhealthy liking for Braddock, Yin enjoys seeing Braddock beaten, tortured and even hung upside down with a rat in a bag! All trying to make sure Braddock signs a phony confession, this psychological torture and domination, is in no way homoerotic, I mean after all Yin spends countless hours with men and wears knee high boots, I mean that's not homoerotic.
"Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris!"
After awhile of waiting out in the rain, in the heat and working endless hours (With only an American flag to give Norris any willpower) Colonel Yin calls Braddock in the office to explain that Braddock's wife plans on getting married, and that he can stop the wedding if he can sign the confession. Braddock declines and is hit again for his relunctance. But since it's Chuck Norris we know that he can take what the bad guys take and dish out triple the damage!
"Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide"
Naturally it's only a matter of time, before Braddock gives in and signs the confession, but he signs only in the most heroic terms, in that his friend is sick with the mumps (Or something.) which of course gives Colonel Yin what he wants, but being the bastard he is, he burns Braddock's friend alive, plans to kill all the soldiers the next day and it's here after a pretend suicide, Braddock escapes and delivers a Chuck Norris style ass-kicking. Braddock finds an uzi, bombs, lots of bullets and now it's no contest, we know who's going to win.
"When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side."
Before the escape, there are some dramatic angles such as how the soldiers want to go home, an Austrailan guy looking for POWs and a French bad guy who sounds like Jean-Claude Van Damme but looks like Harry Hamlin (A very short Harry Hamlin) to which both are killed by Colonel Yin, who then takes Frenchie's helicopter to search for Braddock and the others who've escaped. However it all peaks when Nester agrees to help Colonel Yin capture Braddock and it's here the betrayal cuts like a knife.
"If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen."
Braddock returns to rescue the rest of the troops he left behind, and Nester shows his true colors by saving his fellow soldier from Yin, killing two guards and almost killing Yin. Payback is a bitch! Braddock pretty much single handedly wins the war, just with an uzi, a couple bombs and (of course) well placed roundhouse kicks. To which a huge explosion leaves all the Vietnamese bad guys dead, which shows them they better not fuck with Reagan's America! However Colonel Yin is a sneaky bastard and he's still alive, until he encounters Braddock. A well choreographed fight ensues.
"What was the last thing going through the mind of the last guy who got roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris? His shoe!"
Let's face it, MIA 2 is one of Norris' best movies. It's super cheesy, very dumb, terribly acted and has such ridiculous stereotypes in which it plays into, that you can't help but cave in and buy into this guilty pleasure. What is even stranger is just how goofy the villain is. Played by Soon Tek-Oh, this guy convinces that he's a viscous bastard, especially when he strangles chickens! Also that isn't enough he for some reason has to constantly pummel Chuck Norris, put soldiers through psychological trauma and even lets his guards strip down soldiers for viewing pleasure! Plus those boots, those knee high boots! So in other words, this movie is not unlike The Passion Of The Christ, it's full of constant bludgening, torturing and mean spirtied insults, the difference? MIA 2 has more roundhouse kicks, explosions, Chuck Norris and is actually entertaining. But there are some Melmets...
"Chuck Norris can indeed hold Puff Daddy down!"
And for that matter, Chuck Norris can touch M.C Hammer, doesn't love Raymond, can believe it's not butter and last but not least, he was the one who let the dogs out. He also knows what The Rock is cooking, because The Rock is his chef. Okay that's enough Chuck Norris facts for now.
Hamlin Grade: 6
There was a time, when hair on the head, face, neck, chest and breast area was not only welcome but encouraged....NAY....celebrated! That love of naturalism, or should I say Norris-ism still exists today. I give you Chuckscaping!
Chuckscaping in a word is the Art of Man. An art form that has been lost in a world where Hollywood actors are sometimes often more attractive than their female counterparts, and spend more time in the salon than in the gym. Chuckscaping honors any actor (and actress....to a much lesser extent) that chooses to take back their man-hood, cultivate their body hair, allow their scent brew, and their man-essence reach it's peak..... and ultimately the world.
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
YEAH!!! FUCK YEAH!!! The Delta Force is Chuck Norris's masterpiece! It comes complete with the full beard, extended mullet, and a theme song that makes you want to take a shit in a terrorists mouth!!!
The Delta Force is an elite team of commandos led by Major Scott McCoy (Norris), and Colonel Nick Alexander (played by Lee Marvin.....The Delta Force was unfortunately his last picture as he died just a year later). The film opens with the Delta Force team retreating to the LZ (that's landing zone to lay person....or loser who doesn't know it) as their night mission was completely botched (we discover why shortly). McCoy is trying to find Pete ( Pete is McCoy's equivalent to the sex slave that rode around on the back of the red mohawk guy's motorcycle in the Road Warrior), and discover's he is trapped in a burning hellicopter, and unable to be rescued. Not unless you are packing a huge cock like Chuck!!! FUCK YEAH! 5 minutes into the Delta Force and Norris is already flexing his muscles. Not only does he walk through fire to get to Pete, but he picks up a jeep that is resting on top of him. Allow me to repeat that. Norris picks up a jeep to free Pete. Speaking of freeing Pete.....McCoy rescue's his friend, and carries him onto the waiting aircraft as it is taking off. While on board, McCoy explains how he knew the mission would fail at night (because most undercover missions don't work in the evening) and tells Colonel Alexander he will be resigning when the return....and resign he does. To raise horses or something.....manly like that.
During his retirement however, an airliner is hijacked by a couple of stereotypical looking terrorist types. In fact these guys are so blatantly terrorist looking, that if they tried to get on plane today, they'd be whisked away to a back room somewhere and anally fisted for months on end! This is 1986, and we love our Palestinian brothers....especially the white suit, white tie wearing, full beard sporting, evil wide eyed, sweat covered brothers of Palestine. Also, the 1980s it was famously easy to plant all manner of assault rifles and pistols on board air craft with the help of a sympathetic airline bathroom attendant (actually since this film, I always check the paper towel rack on plane bathrooms for semi-automatic pistols.....come to think of it, I also search behind the toilet tank for pistols when i'm in an Italian Restaurant bathroom.....you never know). So once on board, our Palestinian passengers, do they old, I have to take a piss routine, and retrieve the weapons from the head....and WHAMMO....we have a hostage situation! The flight en route from Rome to New York is forced to land in Beirut by the terrorists where they separate the Jewish and millitary passengers from the rest of the group and take them to one secured location, while the men from the rest are taken to another.
McCoy it's a go! TAKE'M DOWN!
HELL FUCKIN' YEAH!!! Cue the shit in the terrorist's mouth theme song!!! Unfortunately, the attack has to be aborted, because more terrorists boarded the plane in Beirut.....thus the terrorists have seized this day.....but they forgot the cardinal rule. Don't fuck with Chuck!
The Delta Force Team with the help of McCoy (and heterosexual lifemate Pete) discover the locations of the hostages, and after a sweet ride through downtown Newark, I mean Beirut they relay that information to Colonel Alexander and the rest of the DF! Then it's open season! The Delta Force by the way....all sport black jumpsuits, sweet moustaches, and too cool for the room sunglasses that really complete the porn star look they are going for.
The funniest thing about the ending of this adventure, is that the Delta Force assualts the hostage locations at night. I thought night missions didnt' work? Won't McCoy retire again after this one? Nope. And why not. Night vision goggles! The cornerstone of every evening assault!
Sleep tight sucker!
McCoy drops sweet line after sweet line after dropping bad guy after bad guy. Throw in machine guns, assault weapons, grenades, karate, dune buggies, and Norris's huge cock, and the Delta Force becomes one of the best bad movies ever made! The best part about it.....no Chuck Norris in tighty whitey sequence.....HELL YEAH!
Oh and by the way. Pete dies at the end.
Hamlin Grade: 8.5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
If Hollywood had a cock and balls.... I assure you they would be swinging generously between the firm thighs of one Chuck Norris.
For over 30 years Mr. Norris has layed waste to countless adversaries both onscreen and off. He's stood toe to toe with Bruce Lee, kicked the shit out of David Carradine, and even trained Steve McQueen in the Art of Man. His acting ability is outdone only by the beautiful pelt that he wears across his face. The Patron Saint of Facial Hair he is. The Man's Man he is. Chuck Norris he is.
Please join us in celebrating Don't Fuck with Chuck Week:
A Force of One
Good Guys Wear Black
The Delta Force
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
Don't fuck with Chuck week continues, by celebrating his first ever starring role in a movie... 1978's classic Good Guys Wear Black.
Like 95% of all Chuck Norris's characters, John T. Booker is a Vietnam veteran. Booker is a former Commando operating to free prisoners of war towards the end of the war. Unfortunately during thier final mission, something goes terribly wrong, and the commando unit is ambushed....almost as if someone told the Viet-Cong they were coming....HMMMM. Don't fuck with Chuck!
5 years later, we've rotated back to the world (thank you Private Joker), and Booker is showing off his many talents as he speeds around a closed course in what appears to be a Porsche. So Booker, is an ex Commando, and a race car driver.....it's Norris so I can believe it. Of course he breaks a few land speed records while neglecting his piece of ass girlfriend who waits by the side of the track. He also further neglects her by telling her that he has a class to teach. What?! Yes, Booker is a professor at a college and teaches a course on the Vietnam War. Commando, Race Car Driver, Lover, and now collegiate educator. Don't fuck with Chuck!
Following his class, Booker's students clear out, and only a reporter named Margaret remains (played by the then total babe Anne Archer). Margaret begins asking questions about his involvement in the war, to which he readily supplies along with a massive helping of his cock. Yep, Booker bags the reporter, and even makes her make him dinner at his place..... that's man power. Now, this is early Norris, or PB Norris (Pre-Beard), as he only sports a police officer's stache, and a peroxide bleached beatles hair cut. This is also the first appearance of what I like to call Chuckscaping. Chuckscaping is the act of letting one's body hair run free like a herd of buffalo across the plains......or in the case a pair of well defined pectorals and abdominal muscles (man I'm filling up just writing this). Don't fuck with Chuck!
Booker soon learns that the men in his former Commando unit are being assassinated one by one. He begins to travel the country to seek out his old team mates, but arrives just in time to see them killed....following a brief exchange of platitudes. Of course while going from city to city, he has Margaret with him, so he does get some sweet loving to ease the pain of losing his men. He arrives in the mountains to warn an ex-commando teammate (who is now a ski instructor), who of course, wants to talk to Booker, following his next run down the mountain. Wouldn't you know, the commando is shot through the chest, half way down the trail. Booker is vexxed. Don't fuck with Chuck!
He and his lady travel to the airport to go home, but he decides to follow a man who looks like an old informant of his from Vietnam and doesn't get on the plane. Margaret and the rest of passengers perish as the plane explodes. Booker's hunch is correct as the man he is chasing turns out to be Mhin Van Thieu (played by Soon - Tek Oh....who was Norris' nemesis in Missing In Action 2), the same informant from the war. Booker turns on the martial arts, and battles the assassin in the baggage area. Mhin gets the better of Booker and manages to get into a vehicle and proceeds to run him down. In what is probably the coolest move ever (and this was his first starring role), Norris jumps in the air, and kicks through the windshield, into the throat of the driver Mhin. Don't fuck with Chuck!
Booker unites with his old pal Murray Saunders (played by Lloyd Haynes) and confronts the Senator who was behind the entire plot to kill Booker and his men. The Senator of course, believes himself untouchable, because he is being promoted to Secretary of State, of some other ridiculously long titled position in the government.....but the Senator forgot one thing. Don't fuck with Chuck!
Good Guys Wear Black, is an excellent jumping on point for the Norris lover. It showcases his best assets, which unfortunatley includes an extended scene in which he parades around in his tighty whiteys......but also showcases his martial arts ability as he routinely beats the shit out of multiple assailants throughout the film. I was going to strike a Hamlin from this movie for the underwear sequence, but I've learned better than to fuck with Chuck.
Hamlin Grade: 7
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
The 1980's marked the crescendo of the Cold War and Hollywood did not hesitate to cash in on the red threat. Almost every buff movie star of that decade got in on the action, from Stallone in Rambo to sweet Swayze in Red Dawn, so why shouldn't one of the greatest action stars of the Eighties, if not the greatest, throw his hat into the ring? I'm speaking of none other than the patron saint of facial hair, Chuck Norris.
In 1985's Invasion USA the pinko bastards who have come to the land of the free in hopes to destroy our democratic utopia, hail from that pesky little island in the Caribbean known as Cuba. As we have learned in countless other movies, behind every Communist power lurks the evil puppet master that is Mother Russia. The Soviet mastermind who is to lead his Cuban Comrades is named Mikhail Rostov, played by Richard Lynch. Our BMK glossary term known as Beaned was taylor made for Mr. Lynch, and the minute you see him on screen you'll know why. There are several things Rostov must accomplish in order for his vision of chaos and destruction to be realized. First, Rostov must equip his army with weapons, and this means he has to meet with an arms dealer named Mickey played by Billy Drago. Drago also falls under the term Beaned, having previously witnessed his work in more well known films such as Pale Rider and the Untouchables. Damn you Costner!!!!! Why must you torment me so?! Sorry, let me refocus . . . . . . All right, so we have Lynch and Drago making an arms transaction!
Two Beans in one room can only mean one thing, all hell is about to break loose, and boy does it! Once Rostov makes sure he has his merchandise, he proceeds to slam the head of an innocent coke whore into a desk, mid line mind you, forcing a straw into her brain. In the same motion he pulls out his gun to deal with Mickey. Now apparently to shoot and kill someone is far too simple and, quite frankly, beneath a villain of Rostov's caliber. Rostov skillfully maneuvers his gun into Mickey's pantaloons blowing his cock off, then throws him out the window to fall several stories to his cockless death. Yes . . . it does sound arousing doesn't it? Apparently, this is Rostov's preferred method of torture, and we will see it repeated throughout the film. I therefore dub this method of killing as The Rostov Cock Shot.
Now that his Comrades are armed, Rostov has one more obstacle to overcome in order for his diabolical plans to come to fruition; he must kill Matt Hunter played by Chuck Norris! Rostov sends a hit team armed with grenade launchers to destroy Mr. Hunter and his beautiful home on the Everglades. Invasion USA could have easily been called a thousand and one targets for grenade launchers. The one lesson you take away from this movie is that at no time or situation is the use of a rocket launcher excessive. Needless to say Mr. Hunter's home does not survive, but does he? You bet your ass he does and he is pissed off about having to rebuild in the swamp. Arming himself with a black pick up, leather driving gloves, tight jeans, and a gun holster that holds two Uzis at all times, Matt Hunter is ready to hit you with so many rights you'll beg for a left. Norris delivers again as one man takes on an army in Invasion USA!
Hamlin Grade: 7
Fletch is a killing word!
Enter the Dragon? More like chasing the dragon. Heroin and Chuck Norris together sound right as rain! Norris's second film in a starring role examines the wretched underbelly of heroin addiction and its trafficking in Los Angeles. And heroin really is attractive until you look at its brown underbelly. Two of L.A's finest are the latest casualties of the war on drugs, but the cause of their deaths is not your usual bullet hole, stab wound or auto-erotic asphyxiation, no, no, it appears they've been killed by the deadly hands of a marshal artist! We all know the only way to defeat a martial artist is with a martial artist, or a really impressive mustache! Enter the Norris!
Our first glimpse of the master is a tight, close up shot. He's a blond-haired, blue-eyed all American man with the stars and stripes waving in the background. No wonder Bruce Lee had such a hard time cracking Hollywood. Chuck Norris plays a kickboxing champion named Matt Logan. I know, not a huge stretch for a former world kickboxing champion, but we must learn how to crawl before we can act. You can't expect the young Norris to have those well developed acting chops he would later flex as Walker Texas Ranger straight out of the gate. That being said, his performance in this film is quite stirring and would forshadow the greatness of his work in years to come.
With her firm thighs and supple, pouting breasts, Detective Mandy Rust approaches Logan in hopes of persuading him to train police officers in his deadly arts to combat the evil powers lurking round the corner. Rust's charms, while tempting, can not convince Logan to take time out of his rigorous training schedule, but there's another reason he's loathe to tackle this challenge; he doesn't want to chance being hurt again. Yes that's right, Logan is no stranger of the damaging effects of tapping the vein. In a scene worthy of an Oscar nod, Logan explains to Detective Rust that the mother of his adopted son Charlie, died of an overdose.
So just what will it take for this man to fight this Mister Brownstone? How about a montage?! A hybrid montage of flash-back scenes of drug use on the streets while Logan sweats it up with a sparring bag. Nice! Let the training begin! Logan's involvement doesn't end with working out with the boys in blue, he begins his own investigation by combing the local karate scene and contacting some of his old buddies from the war. In case you weren't aware, all of the characters Norris plays did tours in Viet Nam, or as they like to call it, The Nam. Meanwhile, his son Charlie has started an investigation of his own. Unfortunately, Charlie uncovers too much and pays the price with his life. Logan's rage will not go unquenched! As not to spoil this epic tale I will not reveal the evil doers, but I will tell you the might of Norris is not denied. On his journey to justice you will witness a kickboxing extravaganza that extends beyond the ring. This is followed by an anti climactic car chase with a top speed of twenty miles an hour. What could top that? Well how about a Karate battle between two men who are shirtless in order to showcase our man again, all shot in slow motion! Now that's hot! A Force of One, need I say more?
Hamlin Grade: 6.5
Fletch is a killing word!
"So how do you want to take em?"
Bridge Of Dragons starts out with a bang, in a time "where the future meets the past", which would most likely make it the present, but it's supposed to be futuristic so I'll play along. The epic beginning starts out with Dolph Lundgren playing a characer named Warchyld, the type of soldier who wears fatigues and blows things up. This is when I realized that Dolph Lundgren is simply put, the greatest export from Sweden. Now keep in mind this doesn't say much because all of Sweden's imports in the entertainment industry were Ace Of Base, ABBA, A-Teens (A shitty cover band that plays trashy disco songs from by ABBA, oh the humanity!) , Roxette and of course (shudder) Europe. It's no wonder then that Dolph Lundgren makes his country proud by making up for the awfulness of those mentioned, by basically blowing tons of shit up. Now i'm not sure if this qualifies as patriotism but if working hard to undo the damage dished out by ABBA, nobody works harder than Dolph Lundgren. (Although it's futile, because as much as I love The Punisher, Sweden is forever on my shitlist for Europe's Carrie.) This is why his action movies open with explosions and fist fights which make him the greatest thing since sliced bread.
"Pray, this may hurt a little!"
However Dolph Lundgren is joined by Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, who was in such genre greats as Mortal Kombat, Rising Sun, The Perfect Weapon and of course Kickboxer 2. Tagawa pretty much steals the show with his Hitler hairdo, which is only eclipsed by Hulk Hogan's mullet (despite baldness) as worst hairdo in a film. (Actually come to think of it, Kyle MacLachan's hairdo in Showgirls was a tad worse) Tagawa shows he means business by kicking the ass of a rebel thug, who got his ass whumped by Dolph. Tagawa by the way plays a dictator named Ruechang, and to show he's meaner than Warchyld,he slits the throat of the rebel soldier, although he gives him a chance to escape by letting the thug fight Ruechang to the death, and because we wouldn't have a fight otherwise, the fight is slaughter with Ruechang kicking the thug in the nuts (at least twice!) and unfortunately we don't get to see the gore. We also know that Ruechang is a psycho because he considers it "The perfect wedding gift"
"I have other things to do then help you get in trouble!"
This is where we meet Princess Halo (Valerie Chow) who is being forced to marry Ruechang, for reasons completely unknown. It's not explained other then that Ruechang wants to marry her and seize the throne, which doesn't make sense he pretty much rules the land anyway, but I guess a title of king is enough to satisfy the bastard. It's here we witness just how viscous the cold hearted Ruechang is. Ruechang actively beats the princess and has the power to confine her to a room for hours at a time. The princess knows how to fight and she likes to fight in a stick fighting tournament.
"What's the problem, I won"
Warchyld also competes in the stick fighting competition. It's here I realized why I loved Dolph Lundgren movies so much. It's because of pointless (yet well choreographed) fight sequences such as this, now how a princess can hold her own against a killing machine is never explained. After all Warchyld is like a foot taller and weighs way more, but this is Bridge Of Dragons and Issac Florentine specializes in these type of "Watch and don't think" type movies. Suffice to say Warchyld almost loses until he slaps mud in the eyes of the princess (Who by the way never claims the prize money, or for that matter goes unnoticed in a town crawling with rebels looking for an angle to take down Ruechang) she loses and Warchyld recognizes her but is put down in the pig shit (if you lose, you land in pig shit) and Warchyld wins the money.
"Bring me my bride"
This is where we learn that Ruechang killed the princess' father, to which she vows that Ruechang will never sit on the throne. So she decides to join the rebels and Warchyld is asked to retreve her, after numerous fight sequences (That are shoehorned into the plot) in which Warchyld fights slave traitors, forrest dwelling crooks and dim witted soldiers Warchyld captures the princess, she says that Ruechang will kill her after she gives birth to a son, Warchyld doesn't believe her and would be psychological depth about Warchyld's past (He was saved by Ruechang from the orphanage) comes to surface, a reunion is planned and this is where Ruechang's violent tendencies come out, he smacks the princess and what does Warchyld do? Why he crescent kicks Ruechang so hard, he spins three times in the air! (I'm not making this up) To which Warchyld grabs the princess stuffs her in the helicopter and rides off!.
"All men are killers. He just me a good one"
This is where we get a helicopter fight sequence (Oh by the way, all helicopters and cars have 666 on the side of their doors!) Warchyld and princess are forced down, which is weird because bringing them down could kill the princess, but I digress. The two run in slow motion in which an explosion goes off and Warchyld and The Princess jump in slow motion. They're also saved by the rebels and after Warchyld convinces the rebels that he's switched sides, explains that Ruechang will be back.
"You can't kill Ruechang, but I can!"
Warchyld gets all lovey dovey with the princess and decides to carry out an assassination attempt, but feels the rebels are in danger so he comes in too late and a big fight sequence breaks out. This is a fun little action sequence where Dolph Lundgren jumps a lot and kicks lots of ass. Of course because we are only an hour into the proceedings, Warchyld is outnumbered and is beaten by Ruechang. Almost killed by Ruechang, the princess promises marriage if Ruechang spares Warchyld, Ruechang relunctantly agrees, but sends a couple of soldiers to kill Warchyld.
"There will never be any love between us!"
Warchyld beats the crap out of the soldiers and comes up with a plan to distrupt the wedding. It's here Ruechang tells the princess that Warchyld is dead and that if she doesn't go with his plan, he'll turn her life into a nightmare. Of course the princess' response is to commit suicide and kill Ruechang by poisoning the wine they share but right before she is about to drink it, Warchyld throws a knife and the crowd finds out that Ruechang killed the king and a massive battle ensues between the heroes and villains. Once again Bridge Of Dragons can be seen as one of Lundgren's more enjoyable efforts. Still Bridge Of Dragons makes very little sense, it features action for no other reason then the fact that blowing stuff up is fun and Tagawa and Chow are the only Asian actors in the cast. (Which is strange because they're the ones that rule the land.) Plus for some reason the movie comes off like they mixed Hamlet with Red Scorpion, which in itself doesn't seem like an easy combo to fuse together.
"This isn't the end, it's only the beginning"
The best part of Bridge Of Dragons, is whenever the Dolphster kicks the crap out of random, various people. Literly nobody is safe from the destruction of one of his well placed axe kicks, or for that matter the way he can land perfectly into a car, after diving four stories from a church. (Interestingly enough, he lands not only NOT hurting himself but still able to kick the guy out of the car.) Also it never ceases to amaze me how Warchyld and The Princess can go to various parts of town and not get noticed. Still what it all comes down to is asskicking, and the question is whether Bridge Of Dragons has it. Yes it does, and yes Dolph Lundgren is the best asskicker ever to come from Sweden. So, why fight the temptation, we all need guilty pleasures.
"Quit your damn whining and move!"
In closing, Bridge Of Dragons isn't simply a must see for fans of bad movies, it's a must for anyone who hasn't become introduced to Sweden's number one badass, it also makes perfect viewing for the wife and kids, for the throat slittings, the various ass-kickings, the random violence against innocent bystanders,actually it's pretty much random violence against anything that moves, all a certified parenting tool, guaranteed to turn your wimpy kids into little hyper killing machines. After all, if a movie like Kids depicts the reality of U.S teens, raising killing machines such as these, in the long run, contribute to society.
Hamlin Grade: 7
Sharon Stone reprises the roll that made her famous in the straight to video smash hit Basic Instinct 2. Yes, that vixen crime novelist, Catherine Tramell is back and looking to screw . . . with people's heads. Once again Catherine is the prime suspect in a murder investigation, this time in London. Trouble just seems to follow this pretty bird around, or maybe, just maybe, she is the one who goes looking for trouble.
Catherine's former lover, a high profile English Premier Football star, has just drowned in a car that Catherine drove at high speed into a river. That seems like a reasonable thing to happen right? Well the Crown is suspicious and assigns a psychological analysis of Mrs. Tramell to be conducted by Dr. Michael Glass (David Morrissey.) The courts didn't have enough to hold Catherine, and although she makes bail, she continues to play with Dr. Glass by hiring his services. Let the mental jousting begin, perhaps to be followed by some heavy petting? Let's watch. Dr. Glass has a checkered past much like Michael Douglas's caricature "Shooter" in the first movie. Hmmm . . . this seems all too familiar. It just so happens that Catherine has begun writing a new murder mystery who's main character is a respected criminal psychologist not unlike our Dr. Glass. Wow, I feel like I've seen this film before. Will Catherine finish her novel without a body count surrounding her? Will Dr. Glass taste the forbidden nectar that is Catherine Tramell and keep his practice or even more importantly his sanity? Do you Movie Knights out there care?!
Well, I sure as hell didn't when I sat down to view Sharon Stone's desperate efforts to resurrect her career (anyone see Catwoman out there?) I was looking forward to a truly bad 116 minutes of tits and ass with a feeble
storyline to link the nude scenes. Foiled! Someone actually sat down and wrote a fairly interesting mystery thriller. The production and cast were pretty good. What the hell is going on here you wonder. Where is the Badness Fletch?! Like the first movie, Sharon Stone steals the movie, but this time it is actually for her acting which is truly horrible. Come to think of it, without her performance this might have made it to the big screen.
Hamlin Grade: 2
Fletch is a killing word!