The Beastmaster....a sword and sorcery fantasy of epic proportions.....and boy do I mean fantasy. In 1982, director Don Coscarelli retrieved a kleenex from his coat pocket, handed it to the costume designer, and ordered said individual to create a wardrobe from this single piece of cloth. The result? Pure, uncut, unaduterated naked-ness!

No pec, ab, breast, groin, or ass was spared over exposure in this film. And why not? If you are going into battle against an army of evil monks and warlords, what better way to subdue then to combat them with as little clothing on as possible. The Beastmaster just misses becoming a sexuality tester like the Patrick Swayze classic Roadhouse (see The Swayze Guage). Clad in nothing but a loin cloth, sword, and a pair of strategically placed ferrets, Marc Singer makes even the most stolid of men question their own heterosexuality...... fortunately Singer's ripped pecs, shredded abs, and robust thighs are counter acted by the swollen and readily displayed breasts of former Charlie's Angel Tanya Roberts (that was a close one), and to a lesser exent, John Amos (the owner of MacDowells in Coming to America) in a thong.

The Beastmaster chronicles the life of Dar (played by Marc Singer), formerly of Emurites (who were slaughtered by the Jun Horde....a group of serious bad asses that travel around the country raping and pillaging.....the sword and sorcery equivalent to the Duke Lacrosse team) discovers early in his life that he is able to communicate with animals (not in the same manner that Richard Gere does). Using his unique gift he travels to seek his revenge, and discover his mysterious past (Dar has a brand on his palm that symbolizes the Temple of Arr....or ARR...hard to say, but it doesn't matter). On his travels he meets Tanya Roberts tits, Seth (played by John Amos), and Tal (name unimportant) and joins forces with them in an effort to free King Zed, who is held captive at the Temple of Arr, by the evil Maax (played by Rip Torn).

The scantily clad crew succeeds in freeing the King, but their counter attack led by the same King (who is blind and sprinting towards senility) is thwarted by Maax and they again become captives. It is up to the well oiled Beastmaster and his animals (which consists of a tiger that is painted black for some unknown reason (and rumor has it, apparently died after movie.....maybe due to the painting), a hawk which can be called by yelling RAAARRWK!, and our ferret friends.....) to save the day. Using his expert sword fighting skills, a sweet ass axe - boomerang thing called a Kaypock, and his glistening pectorals, Dar kills Maax, and his evil witches (who have smoking hot bodies, but nasty deformed Julia Robert's looking faces) and re-captures the Temple of Arr and the city. Maax however kills King Zed before Dar can save him, and not before revealing that Dar is the unborn son of Zed, and thus the brother of Tal (there is a ridiculous family reunion circle thing going on in this movie, and you can almost get lost by the six degrees of separation within this family... in fact Kiri (Tanya Roberts) is Tal's cousin, and since Tal is Dar's brother, that would also make Kiri his cousin, but that doesn't stop him from repeatedly fondling her throughout the film, and continue to do so after his relationship with her is revealed......I guess it's cool to bang your cousin in this land of barbarians). So the day appears saved until smoke plumes on the horizon which is the precursor of the Jun Horde, returning to the Temple of Arr.

The villagers unite along with our naked heroes and prepare to do battle with the Jun Horde by covering the moat with sand (which I'm sure they would have realized was there since they were frequent visitors of Maax.....but I guess they are bunch of idiots) in an effort to slow their advance. Dar earlier in the film met a group of non-speaking bat people that at the time seemed rather whimsical, till he instructs his hawk friend to call on them, and wouldn't you know it.....they arrive to help fight along side the nude warriors, and eventually achieve victory (the bat people digest their victims by wrapping them in their wings and turning them in to a pile of crap similiar to one you'd take after a night of warm beers and Tex Mex). The Beastmaster has now found inner peace, and yet another reason to make out with his cousin....man that is hot.

The Beastmaster is fine bad movie. One of the finest I've ever seen. The cast is actually pretty impressive, and their bad acting doesn't get in the way of what is a fairly original story. The costumes while ridiculous do provide hours of excitement for your errogenous zones whether it be from viewing the tight form of Marc Singer as Dar, or the always bathing at innappropriate times with her friends Tanya Roberts......but mostly Singer. Not since Swayze have I had to stop and ask myself so many times.....dude are you gay? The answer to that question is without a doubt a resounding YES! I mean NO! Shit. Regardless of my own views (and sexual orientation), the Beastmaster is an excellent bad movie that will entertain you on many, many levels. Many levels. Many.

Hamlin Grade: 8.5

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