"Tokyo,China, Bangkok, i'm kicking ass where ever I go!"

It's no coincidence that Kickboxer is often remembered as Jean-Claude Van Damme's most signature efforts. The reason this is the movie that people remember is because Van Damme not only fought a guy twice his size after only training for a couple monthes with a sadistic sensei (Played by Dennis Chan) but the novelty is that Van Damme fights with a sumo styled diaper, with his hands dipped in broken glass. (Okay he has rope tied around his knuckles, but you get the idea) Also the real attraction is that Van Damme does spin kicks and delivers a message that hits home today, even more so then when this was made..

"Must train different in America, your defense stinks!"

Kickboxer's story unfolds like a true martial arts epic. It follows the smooth sailing of ultra slick Eric Sloan (Dennis Alexio) a champion kickboxer who has no trainer outside of his brother Kurt (Jean-Claude Van Damme) and Eric's training seems to consist of hitting pads and lightly tapping his brother. So things are pretty obvious from the get go that this champion is going to take a fall. Also he sports the Jerry Curl which alone is a giveaway that a thorough asswhumping is in order. Sammy Haggar once said "Winner takes it all, loser has to fall!" And fall Eric does.

"I saw the look in his eyes, he's crazy, he's fucking crazy!"

The opponent in question is Tong Po, a muscular asian dude who intimidates Kurt by kicking a wall until plaster from the ceiling falls out, if looks could kill, Kurt would die and Tong Po finishes off his bizarre routine by using his elbow to hammer the wall, which is apparently supposed to be intimidating. Of course Kurt is impressed and he tries to talk his brother out of fighting, but he fails and the fight is a slaughter, as the fight ends with Kurt shouting "Asshole, asshole, you can't do that!" at least that's what it sounds like. (Van Damme's accent is thicker than Rosie O'Donnell at a Sumo Wrestling match.) Tong Po apparently not content in crippling Kurt's brother, kicks Kurt into the audience and then rips up the championship belt that belonged to Eric. Kurt find a crusty black vietnam vet to take him and his brother to the hospital and it's here we get Van Damme's huge emoting scene.

"I Want Tong Po!"

Kurt is heartbroken over his brother, so he vows vengeance, although not before shedding tears. No action star has ever been convincing when having a crying scene (Yes, not even Dolph Lundgren) mainly because our heroes make other people cry, rather than show their soft side. However it's here Kurt finds a trainer to whip him into shape, the sequences come off as torture, since we get a scene where Kurt is forced to do the splits by a rope and pulley. Other such torture includes kicking a palm tree down and fighting a bunch of drunk guys that your sensei provokes to fight you. Mr. Myiagi had his style and Xian (the trainer's name) has his own special brand. Of course it becomes obvious that Xian liked Kurt and Eric's brother David (Sasha Mitchell who would soldier on in the sequels) because the training is less painful and viscous. Still Kurt whips himself into shape and he's prepared to take on Tong Po the ancient way.

"You must last to the end, or brother die very slowly!"

However the mobsters that employ Tong Po, aren't confident enough in Po's skills so they kidnap Kurt's brother Eric, let Tong Po rape Kurt's love interest and even throw a knife at XIan's dog. They want Kurt to throw the match, however after a rescue, Kurt and Tong Po batter each other for a long time before Van Damme gets serious and does spin kicks until they take Tong Po apart. The fight sequences are very well staged and indeed the movie makes a very enjoyable 90 minutes.

"Kick the tree!"

Everything about Kickboxer is predictable but it did deliver what it guaranteed on the cover. Which is mainly Jean-Claude Van Damme flexing his varnished muscles, training for the big match and of course a real knock em out climax. You pretty much get what you paid for and if 90 minutes of people getting the snot kicked out of them is your thing (and we all know it is) this should be very pleasing to you.

"I don't care what you think I could kill you if you blink!"

However Kickboxeris one of the rare cases where it delivers exceeds expectations due to the message at hand. I mean fuck Driving Miss Daisy, that 1989 clunker might have had good acting, but did Morgan Freeman chop down a tree with his foot? Did Jessica Tandy avenge her brother's honor with her fists dipped in broken glass? I thought not. And although some people argue that Driving Miss Daisy had a positive message, so does Kickboxer. The positive message here is that the best way to solve problems is to learn how to kickbox so that you can beat people up. Best friend steal your girlfriend? beat him up, in fact beat her up too. Is the super going to throw your ass on the street? beat him up. Do your grades stink? Beat up your teachers. IRS coming after you? Beat em up. Well actually you don't want to fuck with the IRS, but you get my point. Where as the message in 1989's "best picture" only translates to race issues, the message in Kickboxer is universal. Beat em up is the message and it's the only message people understand this day and age.

"You bleed like Mylee, Mylee good fuck!"

Once again this movie is truly inspirational.

Hamlin Grade: 7.5

Ryan