Ahhhhh, the 1980s. The decade that gave us 3-D, Ninjas, a couple of shitty films based on an irritating unfunny Australian redneck comedian, and Michael J. Fox. 20 years ago, Michael J. Fox was the Ben Stiller (see Stillered) of his time, never turning down a project that was offered to him regardless of the lack of quality. Fox lent his talents to endless scores of films, television series and specials....there was no limit to his generosity. One such project that was sprayed with a liberal coating of the sweet Fox.....Teen Wolf.

Teen Wolf follows the exploits of Scott Howard (Fox), a high school kid, who is for the most part unpopular, and shitty player on his schools, very shitty basketball team. BAMM! Scott hits puberty, and discovers that he is a werewolf, and suddenly becomes the most popular kid in school, an amazing basketball player, and helps propel his team to greatness.

First off, what the fuck is wrong with the people at this high school? Michael J. Fox in werewolf costume, looks less like a wolf, and more like a retarded version of Chaka from the 70s TV series Land of the Lost (and Chaka was already very retarded looking). So as the mutant, half-shaved, Cousin It, dog thing that he has become, he is now loved by everyone in school, and the most popular girl in school of course wants to bed him. First lesson kids, achieving popularity in high shcool is just a chewbacca costume away!

As the Wolf, Scott of course slowly begins to become a total dick. While his stock begins to rise, his true friends (who liked Scott for what he was.....this movie is filled with cringe chills) begin to feel rejected and eventually grow to dislike the new Yeti version of Scott. But fuck them! Scott is popular now! Scott heads to the high school dance as the wolf in a Saturday Night Fever style white suit and leads an uncomfortably embarrassing, semi-choreographed dance sequence with the entire school (I imagine if kidney stones were passed through your eyes, this is what it would feel like).....the wolf dance. Scott's new found fame, also lands him a role with school's theatre group, as a civil war general in some Gone with the Wind type epic.......this in turn gets him laid. Lesson two.....looking like King Kong on chemo-therapy will get you tons and tons of ass. Man I gotta find out where this school is.

Once Scott realizes that all of his friends think he's an asshole, he decides to not be the wolf any longer. And perhaps less of an asshole. To the dismay of the school, he makes this declaration minutes before the championship basketball game, where the wolf has essentially carried them. Scott delivers a heart-felt 'we don't need the wolf' speech that was so powerful, I've heard Bill Parcells has used it multiple times to motivate his players. Will Scott and his team be able to win the championship without the Wolf? Of course. This overly predictable, cut and past storyline was layed out before the opening credits finished running.

Teen Wolf is a tragedy of unimaginable levels. Why is a dork who becomes a Wolf suddenly popular? What makes the girls at this high school want to throw their panties off at the site of this bearded man thing? Why hasn't the National Guard been called in to tranquilize and subdue this furry piece of shit? I mean what the fuck? If a black bear goes through the trash in my neighborhood the cops unload military grade ordinance in it's ass. This wolf guy is surfing atop motor vehicles, scaring the shit ouf of liquor shop owners, and soiling the young ladies of this town with his dirty, flea-ridden, sasquatch cock!

Aside from staring at the freakish make-up job that Michael J. Fox sports, there is little reason to watch Teen Wolf. And really, that reason, is not really a good reason. Now if you really hate yourself, there is a Teen Wolf sequel, entitled Teen Wolf Too. So clever! I shit you not by the way. Same story, same concept, just replace Michael J. Fox with Jason Bateman.....who in the 1980's was essentially Michael J. Fox lite. Teen Wolf Too really is the same exact feature, and exemplifies Guttenberg's Principle, as no one from the original film, other than the fat guy called Chubby, has returned to reprise their roles. The brains behind Teen Wolf must have been trying so hard to cash in on the original movies name, that they basically repackaged the first film into a second glorious pile of cow feces. Mission Accomplished!

Hamlin Grade: 1.5

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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