Central Casting- This is Central Casting, how may I help you?
Joel Schmacher- Hi, this is Joel Schumacher and I need a little help casting
my next movie.
CC- Oh, Mr. Schumacher, I'm a big fan. I don't care about what everyone else says, I loved St. Elmo's Fire.
JS- Uh, thanks.
CC- What can I do you for?
JS- Well as I said, I need to cast a few parts.
CC- No problem. Let's start with your star. Who do you have?
JS- Michael Douglas.
CC- Oh. Uh huh. I see.
JS- What?
CC- Nothing.
JS- You don't like Michael Douglas?
CC- No, he's fine I guess. If you like Michael Douglas.
JS- He's an Academy Award winner!
CC- I know, I know, but isn't he a bit past it? I mean he plays the same part all of the time.
JS- That's what's so great about this film, it's really character driven.
CC- You mean like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man?
JS- Uh, no...
CC- Daniel Day Lewis in My Left Foot?
JS- Not exactly...
CC- Like Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump.
JS- For God's sake, he doesn't have any physical or mental handicaps!
CC- Well what's wrong with him then?
JS- Nothing's wrong with him.
CC- I thought you said this was a character piece?
JS- It is.
CC- Well what's his character then?
JS- He works as a designer for the Department of Defense.
CC- That's not much of a character.
JS- You don't understand, this is going to be Michael Douglas like you've never seen him before. He's going to have a flat-top haircut.
CC- Uh huh.
JS- And he's going to wear a really geeky short-sleeved white dress shirt and a tie and thick glasses.
CC- Uh huh.
JS- And a pocket protector.
Silence.
JS- Are you still there?
CC- So his character is his hair and his clothes?
JS- I'm in so much trouble. Help me please!
CC- Take it easy. Who else do you have?
JS- Robert Duvall as a retiring cop on his last day on the job, and Barbara Hershey as his disgruntled ex-wife.
CC- You are in trouble. What were you thinking? You know those people can't play actual characters.
JS- I know, I know, but I agreed to this deal so that I would be allowed to make Batman Forever. It's going to star Val Kilmer and it's going to kick ass!
CC- Well let's see how I can help you. Give me the pitch for this one.
JS- A middle-aged guy, down on his luck, loses it one summer day while stuck in traffic on a LA freeway. He leaves his car and goes on a crime spree while trying to get back to his ex and his kid.
CC- Is that it?
JS- Is it that bad?
CC- I've seen worse. Here's what you're going to do; we're going to take all of the small roles in this film and fill them with bad actors playing
over the top stereotypes.
JS- That sounds awful.
CC- It is, but in comparison your leads are going to be gold.
JS- Hey, that's just crazy enough to work!
CC- So, I've got a half dozen Hispanic actors for you to play gang members he encounters along the way, a Korean shop owner he runs into, a Hitler worshiping army surplus shop owner, and a gap-toothed manager of a fast-food place.
JS- I'm with you so far.
CC- And you said Duvall's a cop, right? We'll get him an over the top police Captain who hates his guts and an overbearing wife. Now how about a partner?
JS- He doesn't have a partner.
CC- Perfect. We'll push him together with a younger female cop who already has a really obnoxious chauvinistic male partner.
JS- What good will that do?
CC- It'll make Duvall look caring and sensitive by comparison.
JS- This is brilliant! How can I ever thank you?
CC- I've actually got a screenplay of my own called Batman and Robin.
JS- Brilliant!

Hamlin Grade: 5

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