I'm not sure if I remember the entire TV promo which was on WGN around 12 years ago, when I saw Cyborg as a discriminating viewer. However I do remember for sure the TV saying "Van Damme, he's got big muscles!" Of course this ringing endorsement is something you must remember when watching this classic Van Damme action flick because Van Damme does have big muscles. You know what he also has? A big mullet wig (see the Melmet)! A blonde one too, just to make sure things are ridiculous enough the head villain wears sunglasses, chainmail and sports hair oily enough to raise the brow of Mickey Rourke. In all regards Cyborg is inarguably one of Van Damme's funniest moments.

I don't even know where to start with this one. Well I guess I can start with the hilarious beginning which had me in stitches. We see a cyborg (who looks strangely like a supermodel) who is being escorted with some David Hasselhoff looking protector who says "Get going Pearl, I'll try and hold the pirates here!"... now this might seem like a good idea until you realize that the Hasselhoff lookalike gets his ass thorughly whumped by a woman in a furcoat. Also for some unfathomable reason the pirates jump through the windows screaming to sneak up behind the Hasselhoff lookalike, while they wait for their chainmall boss to talk to the Hasselhoff rather than just killing him right away. The exchange goes something like this to wit:

"Get her!"
"Let her go!"
"To Atlanta?"
"She has the cure!"
"I wanna own it!"
"Go to hell!"
"Been there!"

What makes this sequence so hilarious is that Albert Pyun somehow overdoes the slow motion which of course makes the action so exaggerated and hilariously phony that laughter is the only appropriate response. For some reason Pyun gives us a slow motion knife clanking against the ground which doesn't really heighten the mood. Another classic slow motion sequence is when we get various closeups of the pirates watching Van Damme and his girlfriend have sex. I guess it's supposed to signify something as we see Van Damme kiss the neck of a shorthaired southern accented woman, and their cuddling right before in big dramatic fashion the pirates move the curtains in slow motion. However they aren't just peeping toms, since their method of slaughter is basically tying Van Damme, his girlfriend and the girlfriend's son in a bucket that is to be dropped into a well, and they have the girlfriend's daughter hold barbwire and cut her hands while letting the bucket drop in the well in slow motion. Of course i'm not going to give anything away but Van Damme survives but his other family members don't and it's here we learn his motivation of revenge. Also this sequence is repeated about 4 times for no other reason but to stretch out running time. Also it's in exaggerated slow motion. (Pyun is no John Woo!) So in the process we see Van Damme take on mutants who wear football pads, chainmail, leather and sleeveless shirts. Not to put the kebosh on anyone's party but they look pretty gay!

But that's not all! The best slow motion sequence of the entire movie is when Van Damme dispatches the big muscular pirate. Now because Van Damme didn't show us his ass (see Van DAMN!!), he did give us a sequence in which he did the splits and while doing the splits he stabs a huge muscular pirate in slow motion. All of this is heightened by the godawful music score which is strangely composed of synthasizer, symbols and harp(!) all of this is apparently supposed to give this a fairy tale feel but it only serves to make the movie all the more laughable. The music score exaggerates the melodrama so much, it becomes downright hilarious. Especially that we get to hear lots of grunts, screams, thuds and knifes carving flesh.

Jean-Claude Van Damme sadly never did another post apoclypse movie, although he did show true creativity by playing a characted named Gibson. I mean it's a direct homage to the guy who started it all with Mad Max. However it gets better, the main bad guy is named Fender. The female sidekick to Van Damme's lone wolf, her last name is Simmons and all in all, the characters are named after gutars. Oh and for another little special treat the gun that Van Damme fires? Well it turns out it's an old school paintball gun, that I even had. In fact Van Damme can be seen loading in another Co2 cartridge for no other reason than the set designers simply couldn't afford a more futuristic looking gun. Although I admit, seeing Van Damme yell "Fuck" before wacking a guy with his paintball gun, er I mean futuristic pistol, put a huge smile on my face. Cyborg is absolutely sublime in it's ineptitude. The greatest part in the movie comes late in the film, when Van Damme is eluding the big muscular pirate (The one he kills while doing the splits) while running after Van Damme, the muscular pirate actually slips and almost falls straight on his face. Also the ending involves Van Damme finding his girlfriend's daughter and declining the offer to stay with the cyborg because "They need us out there!" We obviously don't know what the pirates did to brainwash Van Damme's girlfriend's daughter but i'm guessing that had the pirates not stopped Van Damme, there would've been some inappropriate conduct among stepfather and stepdaughter. I mean the whole ending seems to consist of Van Damme writing off into the sunset with his girlfriend's daughter. A little creepy, perhaps but I guess that if you have repopulate the entire planet, all terms of decency go straight out the window. Cyborg is indeed a true thinking man's movie. How this got robbed at oscar time, is a question that still gives me sleepless nights.

Hamlin Grade: 6.5

Ryan