REVIEW: Captain America
No this isn't a joke. Yes, Marvel Entertainment Group did make a movie about Captain America. Well, I guess you could call it a movie for lack of a more appropriate description.
Captain America is probably Marvel's best kept secret, and one they would love to forget. However, as Bad Movie Knights, we are skilled in the arts of war....and military tactics.....no wait, that was the lover of Edward the Longshanks fag son from Braveheart....we are skilled in the art of the bad movie. My friends, Captain America is a truly bad movie. Holy shit it fucking sucks.
Without sounding like a complete loser, Captain America is one of the coolest characters in the Marvel Universe, if not all comic book universes (I realize the irony of this statement, not only admitting my love of a fictional character, but for comic books as well.....do your worst assholes). As a young man, Steve Rogers agreed to some experimental testing, where he was administered the 'super soldier' serum, and was reborn Captain America. Stronger, faster and more intelligent than he was, he became a symbol of freedom for the USA and helped defeat the Germans in World War II. During one of the last battles of WWII, Captain America jumped onto a nuclear missile to prevent it from hitting it's designated target, the United States of America. Upon some clever sabotage Captain America successfully splashed the missile into the Arctic where he was frozen until present day. He was revived by the Avengers and joined them to continued his mission to fight the good fight.
Captain America is played by Mat Salinger. Who? Well his only other starring role that I recall was playing quarterback Danny Burke in Revenge of the Nerds. The interesting thing about Salinger, is that he is the son of J.D. Salinger, the famed author of The Catcher in the Rye, and the sci-fi epic Battlefield Earth. I'm just fucking with you, he didn't write The Catcher in the Rye. The only other famous dude in this film, is the President of the United States Tom Kimball, played by Ronny Cox. Again Who? Well, Mr. Cox's most famous roles included Dick Jones from Robocop, and Vilos Cohaagen from Total Recall. His filmography is actually very impressive, and you will probably recognize him if you are ever stupid enough to actually watch this pile of cow droppings.
While the movie Captain America does cover his origin for the most part, it stops just short of the Avengers, as he is revived by a group of Artic archaeologists instead. Captain America does face off against his arch-nemesis the Red Skull, although the arch-nemesis tag never really develops in this. He is basically portrayed as an asshole with a bad complexion. The Red Skull kidnaps the President of the United States (which is a very simple task), and Captain America fights to rescue him. At the end, Cap and the Prez fight side by side.....I'm cringing right now thinking about it. "Great job Mr. President!"
The budget on Captain America, while completely wasted, must have been next to nothing. Virtually no expense was spared on special effects. Good thing, because there were no special effects. Hell, there was no story, no acting, no direction, no boobs....Captain America offers you nothing except for a few really poorly sung theme songs, that I think even Frank Stallone makes fun of. Even Captain America's costume was a disaster. You'd think they'd throw a few bucks into the symbol of the whole movie? Nope. Mat Salinger was stuffed into a wetsuit that was not only too small, but spray painted to look like the comic character. The mask was so fucking tight, that Salinger's nose is crushed to his face, and his cheeks and mouth were spilling out of the openings like a bran muffin. This is actually the best part of the movie. Watching this poor bastard limp around in a body condomn fighting bad guys. Brilliant. Oh and Captain America's shield. It's the same one you can buy on Ebay that's made from plastic. No expense spared.
Let me spare you this. Don't watch this movie.
Hamlin Grade: .5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,