REVIEW: Best of the Best
A team is not a team if you don't give a damn about each other! Really? What if that team is made up of a bunch of assholes who can't act, a shitty director, and a screenwriter who should be shot? If such a team made a movie would you give a damn about it? You bet your fuckin' ass you would!
Best of the Best, stars Eric Roberts, who as a poster boy for the Bad Movie Knights, has flown under the radar for far too long.....you day has come sir. Bend over Eric, this is really gonna hurt. The cast of Best of the Best, is for the most part insignificant, aside from James Earl Jones. Why the fuck was he in this? Simple answer : The Fonda Syndrome. James Earl Jones' family was held captive till he completed filming Best of the Best.....it is the only reason an actor of his calibre would be in this ass wart of a movie. After Jones, the actor quality drops off like an 85 year old breast. Chris Penn who stars as Travis Brickley, is just beginning to show signs of his ever increasing density that will one day claim his life, and Sally Kirkland who plays Wade (some hippy, meditation freak), is desperately trying to hold onto her looks which she probably lost some 20 years earlier....she starts to look like a skeleton wrapped in Saran Wrap...I digress.
Best of the Best is about a group of unlikely candidates who tryout for the United States Karate Team and will eventually face off against the Korean National Team in Seoul. The best thing about Best of the Best.....well the fight scenes are pretty decent, and watching the Korean team break baseball bats with their dicks is very impressive. The acting is by far the cornerstone of this film. Even James Earl mails it in, or over does it. There's a possible drinking game buried in here for Big Daddy. Every time JEJ says the word 'TEAM'. Now, in the movie he pronounces it 'TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEM'. Brilliant. And Eric.....oh Eric. Not only can't the man act, he can't speak. How does an individual with a speech impediment become a Hollywood actor? Roberts sounds like he's always talking with a cock in his mouth (i know this because Fletch sounds the same way....when he's chugging pork sword). Top that off with the acting skills of corpse with a car battery shoved up its ass, and you have Eric Roberts. Roberts almost pulls off the Ironside Agenda, especially when acting with Phillip Rhee, who plays Tommy Lee (stick to martial arts bro....seriously...you are done, stop trying to act).....but really that is just comparing two scoops of shit.....they both stink. The amazing thing about Eric Roberts.... he's a successful actor. He must have photos of some Hollywood executive sucking off a goat because there really is no explanation for his continued work. His filmography is one that might amaze, and could be a gold mine for us here at Bad Movie Knights.
Ok, back to the movie. Coach Cuzo (Jones) puts together his karate team, which consists of Alex Grady (Eric Roberts), who has a reconstructed shoulder which they spare no effort in pointing out so you know he's gonna have that fucker broken again, Travis Brickley (Penn) a fat guy from Texas who likes to fight, Virgil (doesn't really matter who played him) a hippy of questionable sexuality, and Sonny (who cares), some reject from Grease who likes to hit on chicks. Unite them with Wade (Sally Kirkland) and you have a recipe for success......or in the case Best of the Best.
Best of the Best follows the standard fight / drama / action formula as it overwhelms you with training montage after training montage, shows you the conflicts within as the 5 individuals try to find a way to work together, thrusts the personal problems that wear on the individuals, and how they fight to recover from them, until five minutes before the match, they magically put it all together. Yeah. You should have a tear in your eye at this point, or diarreah.
Yay we're a team now! Yay! Let's go to Korea and get the shit kicked out of us because they really don't care how much we love each other! Remember, these are the same Koreans that break baseball bats with their cocks....do you really think a TEEEEEEEEM of American Karate boys is going to frighten them? Certainly not. Virgil, and Sonny who were pretty much filler for the movie, provide the same during the final tournament. Both of them get their asses handed to them by Team Iron Cock. Travis (Penn) actually puts up a decent fight but loses in the martial arts equivalent of a shootout, which is breaking bricks.....you can almost here the fight music playing in the background......is the tide turning? Perhaps? Next up is Alex Grady (Roberts) who pretty much kicks the shit out of his opponent till the guy does this ridiculous drop kick to.....you guessed it! His surgically repaired shoulder. Who the fuck saw that coming? Not me! Now the next minute and a half are probably Robert's finest on screen moments ever. Screaming like a little Dakota Fanning, Robert's refuses to submit and forfeit the match, and request's the Tommy relocate the shoulder for him by saying "POP IT TOMMY! POP IT! POP IT! POP IT!".....and so he does....it is popped. After another ball shrinking scream, he again harnesses his inner Deniro and requests that his arm be secured for the rest of the match by saying "TAPE IT UP! TAPE IT! TAPE IT UUUUUPPPPPP!" And then there was tape. With seconds remaining in the match, and only one arm, Alex Grady ends up winning the match by knocking his opponent right off the platform. In real life I believe that Korean fighter would have been executed following the match, along with his family and pets.
The final match of the movie is between Tommy Lee and Korean Champion Dae Han. Dae Han has never been beaten, oh and here's an interesting tidbit....Dae Han killed Tommy's brother in competition when he was just a young lad. Dae Han also wears an eye patch which is synonymous with evil....just like being from Jupiter...or Wisconsin. Tommy and Dae Han have a back and forth battle before Tommy gets the eye of the tiger and kicks it up a notch. He rallies and eventually has Dae Han standing defenceless in the middle of the ring. Tommy considers ending Dae Han's life by setting up for his death kick (he does this foot turn thing which as you know means death kick...it's all about the death kick)......this maneuver of course requires a wonderful thespian response from Jones and Roberts. Grady shouts out "TOMMY NO! COACH HE'S GONNA KILL HIM!!!" to which Coach Cuzo adds " NOOOOO. TOMMMMY NO!!!!". You should be pissing yourself with laughter by now, or from drinking too much, either way its' all good....it's the death kick. Tommy of course pussy's out and disgraces his brother by not getting revenge, and loses the match by one point. Or maybe two. Who cares. Death kick!
Best of the Best is ruined at the end during the medal ceremony. The Korean team having won recieves there medals, and Dae Han approaches Tommy, in tears and apologizes for killing his brother. Tommy weeps and the two embrace.....oh yeah thats hot....hmmmm are you satisfied Rammm? The rest of the Korean team and American team follow suit, and the karate tournament becomes a 10 man lovefest. Brokeback Karate Tournament?
Best of the Best is one of the finest bad movies available. It doesn't get consumed like other films do with direction, or story, and all of that tiresome acting, instead it personifies one simple message. Death kick! If you are a Bad Movie Night virgin, or you and your friends are planning your own Bad Movie Night, I highly recommend this film be on the card. Best of the Best is the death kick of bad movies. Death Kick! Fucking love that word!
Hamlin Grade: 7
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,