REVIEW: 3000 Miles to Graceland
Let's play a little game I like to call, "Who was most responsible for making this a bad movie?" There are so many actors to choose from. Take a look at this cast; Kurt Russell, Courtney Cox, Christian Slater, Kevin Pollak, David Arquette, Jon Lovitz, Howie Long, Thomas Hayden Church, Bokeem Woodbine, Ice T and last, but certainly not least, Kevin Costner. This is going to be so much fun, I hate all of these people. Let the bad acting begin!
Let's take care of the plot first. Costner and his gang of baddies (and you know they're bad because they all smoke, drink while they drive and have their collars turned up) are traveling to Vegas under the guise of taking part in International Elvis Week. Their real aim is to knock off a casino. Things turn bad, they start knocking each other off and it becomes a movie about who will survive and end up with the money. Pretty tried and true stuff, how bad could it be?
Spectacularly bad! Let's start out with Russell, Costner, Arquette, Slater and Woodbine all trying to pull off an Elvis impersonation. Yah, and maybe a monkey will fly out of my butt. Russell, that wunderkind of agelessness, is finally starting to look really old. What's remarkable about that is that Costner looks so much older and pathetic by comparison. But Costner takes his Elvis very seriously, because his character, Thomas J. Murphy, believes himself to be the illegitimate child of the King. Dressing like Elvis and taking yourself seriously. Riiight.
Michael Zane, played by Russell, shows up after finishing up a five year stint in the stir. Cybil Waingrow (who was put in charge of the character names by the way?), played by Cox, immediately jumps in bed with Russell with her son in the next room. Way to go. That's two checks on the worst mother ever list. Russell doesn't stick around long as it's “go time” at the casino. In a ludicrous scene, the boys get away with the heist while simultaneously shooting up the entire casino and leaving countless corpses behind. Despite being completely surrounded, they only suffer one casualty; Franklin, played by Bokeem Woodbine, buys the big ticket to Dirt City. They killed the brother first?! Bokeem certainly deserved to die, he had a hand in making this a bad movie, but he simply didn't last long enough. Bokeem, you're off the hook.
The boys get back to the hotel and start bickering over the money. This is Slater's big scene. I hate Slater, surely I can blame this film on him? Nope, he's done away with in short shrift, so he too is off the hook. They go out into the desert to get rid of the body and Costner offs Russell and Arquette as well. Damn, I'm running out of people to blame this movie on. Don't worry, Russell's not dead. I don't know how he managed to get top billing over that egomaniac Costner, but the film's not going to kill off their star that quickly, he'll be back. It's at about this point in the movie that the FBI enters the scene. Cue Thomas Hayden Church and Kevin Pollak. I'd like to blame the movie on them, I have hatred in my heart for both of these actors, but they simply aren't given enough to do. They do win the collective award for random character choices, however, with Church choosing to wear obscenely large belt buckles and Pollack having a lighter which will never work. That's awesome guys!
I'd also like to blame the movie on Cox who goes out of her way to prove just how bad a mother she can be. She's also looking like she's been ridden hard and put away wet, and yet this movie is also not her fault. Jon Lovitz and Ice T attempt to come in late and steal the credit, but despite their best attempts they just can't distract from the worst actor in the world, Kevin Costner. This role, once again, proves that any success he's had in the past has been pure luck. He puts the u in suck and nothing, just nothing can be bad enough to distract the audience from his lameness.
The only bright spot in this film is David Kaye, who plays Cox's son Jesse. He has an uncanny resemblance to Ralph Macchio, but the kid actually has some skills. Costner tries to explain things at the end of the film by telling him, "He's a bad guy, kid (referring to Russell), maybe not as bad as me, but he's a bad guy." That's right, Kevin, no one is as bad as you.
I give this film a single Costner...er, Hamlin.
Hamlin Grade: 1
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