Happy Thanksgiving everyone. So you thought a holiday that celebrates our total rape, exploitation, conquering, and eventual extermination of a people would go untouched by us? No my friends, the Knights of the Bad Movie are here as always to defend the undefendable (unless it's in the form of a spectacularly shitty ass film....like The Bronx Executioner), and in some small way, right the wrongs of the past by bringing justice to our Native American friends.

Initially, I was going to review 1492: Conquest of Paradise, starring Gerard Depardieu as Christopher Columbus which chronicled the adventures of the famed explorer during his pursuit of the New World. While his efforts did open the doors for future explorers, the fact still remains that he landed in the Virgin Islands, and not the continent of North America where he is credited to this day as the discoverer of....and it was he that fathered the downfall of the Native American. The truth is, that it was really all the fault of that son of bitch Amerigo Vespucci. So rather than review a movie that covers the birth of the Native American extermination, I thought it more appropriate to cover a film in which this holocaust is in it's full renaissance, for lack of a better term. And let's be honest, with the way that Gerard Dapardieu is looking these days, he'd be more believable in an infomercial explaining the Medicare Advantage to elderly people.That being said, I give you The Last of the Mohicans.

The title of the film is truly appropriate for this Thanksgiving holiday, as it highlights the crest of the Mohawk culture. The Last of the Mohicans is actually a great movie, but it does warehouse some outstanding bad movie elements. Set to the back drop of the French and Indian War, The Last of the Mohicans is a tale of a forbidden love, a love that just cannot be, but fights to blossom between Hawkeye (or Nathaniel Poe) played by Daniel Day-Lewis, and Cora Munro played by Madeleine Stowe. Nathaniel is the adopted son of the last of the Mohawk people, and Cora, the daughter of a British officer. See. Forbidden love.

The Last of the Mohicans does represent one of the finer war movies of that era. To date, there really hasn't been a decent movie about the Colonial times or the Revolutionary War....and no, Mel Gibson's The Patriot does not count. The battle sequences are spectacular, and the hand to hand combat scenes even better. Almost too good. Nathaniel, his step brother, and step father, are all formidable opponents. Unbeknownst to me, the Mohawks were actually back woods ninjas, that produced a unique fighting style, that combines the rifle, clubs, daggers, swords, and some Brazilian Jujitsu ground fighting techniques. I'm just fucking with you. They didn't really use swords. Several of the close quarters combat sequences were most likely inspiration for the Wachowski Brothers when they were filming Keanu during the Matrix.

The movie follows the fortuitous meeting of Nathaniel and his family and Cora, her sister, and Major Duncan Heyward as they are ambushed by a Huron raiding party. Nat and his crew save the day with Nin-hawk skills (Moh-ja?) and rescue the three travellers, and guide them to Fort William Henry which is under siege by the French (during this little camping trip, Nathaniel lays the ground work for the sweet loving he will eventually be administering to Cora). Sadly the Fort falls days later, and the group is trapped and forced to surrender alongside all of the British soldiers. The French offer gracious terms, and allow the defeated British army to leave the field of battle unharmed. However, during their march of shame, they are ambushed by the Huron (damn them!). Once again, the Huron, kill everyone, but Nat and friends, Cora, Alice and Duncan!

CANOE CHASE! Yes! Imagine the car chase scene from Ronin, and replace the high octane burning european sports cars, with deer skin wrapped canoes on the Hudson, and you have a action packed pursuit of epic proportions. From this point forward, The Last of the Mohicans becomes a cat and mouse chase, with a few more fight scenes peppered in for excitment. Daniel Day-Lewis, Oscar calibre (and winning) actor that he is, does have a tendency to lay it on a little thick, and sometimes over act. This movie is no exception. What has this film orbiting the realm of bad movies are some of the lines he spews throughout. Most could have been stated matter of factly, but DDL brandishes a fist in the air and belts out his lines like an orator on crack cocaine. Here's a sampling of some of his better speeches:

"Someday I think you and I are going to have a serious disagreement. "

"Well, we face to the north and, real subtle like, turn left. "

"I am Le Long Carabine! My death is a great honor to the Huron, take me! "

"In case your aim is better than your judgment. "

"My father's people say that at the birth of the sun and of his brother the moon, their mother died. So the sun gave to the earth her body, from which was to spring all life. And he drew forth from her breast the stars, and the stars he threw into the night sky to remind him of her soul. So there's the Cameron's monument. My folks' too, I guess." (this speech pretty much rocks Madeliene Stowe right out of her panties....I fill up a bit when I hear it too....DDL is the man!)

and by far my favorite:

"No, you submit, do you hear? You be strong, you survive... You stay alive, no matter what occurs! I will find you. No matter how long it takes, no matter how far, I will find you. "

Throw in Madeleine Stowe's acting which reaches Dakota Fanning levels of irritation at times and you suddenly find yourself watching a bad movie called The Last of the Mohicans. A bad movie that is loaded with tons of goodness.

From all of us here at Bad Movie Knights, have a Happy Thanksgiving. To our Native American friends.....sorry our forefathers were such fucking assholes.

Hamlin Grade: 6

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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