Superman Returns. Why'd you bother?

After a mysterious 5 year dissapearance, Superman finds his way back to Earth, in probably the most regrettable superhero sequel of all time. Taking a page from the Highlander franchise, Superman Returns embraces the Quickening Principle by completely ignoring Superman III, and Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (and why? both movies, as bad as they were, were far superior to this flying piece of shit) and supposedly picking up where Superman II left off. But not really.

While it does follow some aspects of the story from part 2, it completely ignores others. Lois Lane, played by Kate Bosworth (who is famous for something, but I haven't figured it out yet.....I don't think it's her acting ability, and certainly not her looks) is the bane of this film. She's a cunt. From minute one, she's completely unlikeable. She also harbors an anger for Superman. Why? Cuz he left Earth without saying goodbye. Get over yourself bitch. Now here's the story flaw. Yes, in Superman II, Superman and Lois had a relationship while he was human, but then realizing she wasn't good in the sack (like the ho's from Krypton) he went and got his powers back. At the conclusion of the second film, Superman also pulled some jedi mind trick action, and erased her memory, so she would have no recollection of their brief relationship. So, from our point of view, why is Lois so angry at Superman? Their relationship was based on an interview, and that was it. Really no relationship at all, professional colleagues at best. So her being angry at Superman, makes as much sense as a local reporter being pissed at a ball player who gets traded to another team and never speaks to him again. Did I mention she's a cunt? Ok, so let's suspend disbelief and forget all that happened in the last film, or at least that part, and assume, she and superman were having some sort affair, and he left her. Superman returns, to find her married, and with a child.....who is roughly 5 years old....HMMMMMM. We'll get back to that.

Superman once again faces off against his old adversary Lex Luthor. This is one of things that has always bothered me about Superman. There is no one capable of fighting him. Aside from Superman II, which pitted him against opponents from his homeworld, who can fight him? Really? So the greatest villian he has, is a really smart bald guy. That's like throwing Stephen Hawkings in the ring with Mike Tyson (when he could fight). Does that seem like a even battle (no, but holy shit I would pay to see that)? Even when Lex Luthor has kryptonite (the green rock from Superman's homeworld that causes him harm), you know he doesn't stand a chance, so what's the point? If you can't bench press skyscrapers, really you have no business throwing down a challenge to Superman.

The creepiest thing about this movie, is that they found an actor in Brandon Routh, a veritable clone of Christopher Reeve. On paper, that may seem cool, but in reality, its fucked up....way to creepy. His voice was similiar too. When it comes down to it, Christopher Reeve, much like Timothy Dalton is to Bond, is the one true Superman. Everything else is just Sean Connery....or in this case Brandon Routh. The film makers couldn't help themselves either, having already fucked up the story, why stop there, let's fuck up the costume too! Let's make the red on his costume, dark burgundy, so it almost looks gray on screen, and can we make his boots really big, so they look like clown feet? You bet your ass we can! How about the logo on his chest? Can we make that smaller, and 3-D? Oh FUCK YEAH! Excellent, we now have the perfect harbinger for this abortion of a tale!

Ok back to that cunt Lane. Hints are dropped here and there, until finally it's revealed that Lois's little kid is in fact the spawn of Superman. How do we know this? Well, while be held captive by Luthor, the superkid tosses a piano at one of his henchmen to save his mother. But afterwards does nothing heroic or super to save them. So maybe this is why Lois is so mad? Perhaps, but who cares. She's so angry throughout the movie, that when I figure out why she's so angry at Superman, I'm glad he didn't say goodbye. I would have taken off on her too.

Superman Returns ends with an anti-climatic showdown between him and Luthor, and Taj (the kid from Van Wilder), and blah blah blah, who fucking cares at this point. Yeah he saves the day, visit's Lois's house, and meets his son, pillages a bunch of Brando's old lines while the kid is sleeping and then flys up into space. Will there be another Superman movie? Unfortunately, there probably will be. I only hope they ignore this movie too, and start fresh, and PLEASE do me one favor...giive Jimmy Olsen a fucking tie already. It's 2006!! Nobody, especially a kid in his 20's is wearing a bow tie, unless they are going to a prom! Superman Returns is a disaster throughout. Even the special effects are lame. The flying sequences are poorly done, and you can tell when it's CGI because of the poorly crafted clay looking face of the actor's computer model. Nothing can save this movie....except for the OFF button on your television.

Hamlin Grade:

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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