In what probably should have been his last installment of the Rocky franchise, Sylvester Stallone returns to suck le the teet as Rocky once more. Rocky V is a turning point for the character who has consistently defied the odds (and believability) by facing off and defeating opponenents several hundred pounds his senior.

Rocky V opens with a creative montage of the Rocky IV fight with Ivan Drago (Dolph, Dolph) peppered into the opening credits. While Rocky is the victor, the achievement was a costly one. Battered and beaten for 15 rounds, Rocky sits shaking and shivering in the locker room shower (following an unnecessary full nude scene which shows off Stallone's award winning glutes) and appears to have reverted to his retarded Rocky I persona. The tables have turned completely now, as Adrien (played by Talia Shire, who has to be the most irritating on screen presence this side of Dakota Fanning) who began the franchise as the retard you take to the zoo, has metamorphosed into an intelligent, outspoken, and completely unlikable individual. Rocky explains to her that he feels as though something may be bruised on the inside....DAIN BRAMAGE!

Let's not stop there. Rocky returns home to find that Pauly had signed a power of attorney clause with their accountant, and his less than legitimate real estate dealings have left the Balboa family with no money. We have come full circle. Rocky is a moron again, and he is once again destitute, so he moves his family back to the old Philadelpia neighborhood where the original franchise was spawned. The only difference is the aforementioned Adrien who is just an annoying, over protective asshole. Perhaps Dolph could have given her a shot in the chops too, just to level the playing field a touch, or maybe followed Carlo into the bathroom with a leather belt of his own. Pauly's character hasn't developed at all in five movies. He's still a drunk dickhead.

Rocky decides to re-open the old gym that Mickey left him (probably one of the funniest scenes ever was Rocky crying over Mickey's raisin-like carcass....MA MA MIIIIICKEY!) in order to get a little cash flow. Adrien, doing her part gets her old job back at the pet store. Truly heart warming how the Balboa's unite and adapt to their new situation. Of course, while trying to adjust to their new lives, Rocky is constantly dogged by a 'Don King' facsimile in the form of fight promoter Duke. Duke is trying to get Balboa back in the ring to throwdown with his prize fighter Union Cane. Duke's efforts are deflected by Adrien at almost every opportunity.

Enter Tommy 'The Machine' Gunn. Played by a pre-HIV+ Tommy Morrison, Tommy Gunn is a fighter from Oklahoma who persuades Rocky to become his manager. Reluctant at first, Rocky soon sees that he can live vicariously through Gunn, and proceeds to train him. Gunn manages to rise through the ranks rapidly, but can't manage to shake the monicker of being Balboa's clone, or puppet. Duke quickly sweeps in and showers him with money, gifts, some ass (perhaps where he acquired his AIDS), and a title shot. Gunn drops the news on Rocky at Christmas dinner that he will be signing with Duke to get his shot at the championship and dropping Balboa as his manager. What an asshole.

I should mention that Rocky's son, whose played by Stallone's real son, has an unimportant and really uninteresting side story as a rich kid trying to adapt to the mean streets of Philly, and their wonderful public education system. Apparently it is the norm for a young 'E' from Entourage to kick your ass and steal your coat on day one, and then beat the shit out of you every day thereafter and relieve you of your lunch money. 'E' as a bad ass? Come on. Even with the mullet just doesn't work.....unless Stallone's kid is that much of a pussy....which apparently he is. So his kid trains, and solves his own problems, all the while being ignored by his dad who is too busy cultivating a relationship with Gunn. This whole 'who cares' portion of the movie is almost as annoying as Talia Shire herself. Almost.

So Rocky's prodigy, Tommy Gunn drops him and goes on to defeat Union Cane for the championship, and is booed mercilessly by the fans who still adore Rocky. Following his win, he is further chastised by the press corps and reaches his boiling point. Duke convinces Gunn that he must defeat Balboa in the ring in order to stand on his own....and what better way to lay down a challenge to his former trainer than at the local watering hole where Pauly and Rocky share some libation.

Gunn whose temper gets the better of him, refuses to listen to Duke, and goads Rocky into a fight right outside of the bar. Rocky V ends with a ridiculous street fight set to the movie's main theme....a semi-rap hip hop cut of a tune called 'Go For It', which is the unofficial tag line of the film (his son uses it prior to beating up 'E', and then regurgitates the same line during the street fight to his dad in a shameful effort to inspire his fallen father.....this scene is almost a duplicate of how his kid in Over the Top, used the Kenny Loggins title song 'Meet me half way' as motivation.....i'm talking major league douche chills).

Rocky V should have been the final nail in the coffin for the character, but we all know that this is just not to be. Hopefully Rocky VI is utilizes the Quickening principle and ignores it's previous sequel in it's entirety....cuz Rocky V sucked the big donkey.

Hamlin Grade: 1.5

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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