A few months ago, a couple of friends of mine were telling me about an acquaitance of theirs. Their friends oldest boy had recently begun to show an interest in dancing, singing, and other activities that most would consider less than masculine. The father of the child (who sounds like a major league asshole), fearing the worst put the child on a strict regimen of action flicks consisting of the masters (Stallone, Van Damme, Seagal, and of course Schwarzenegger) in an effort to slap the 'gay' out of the child. As misguided as his intentions were, I believe his course of action would promote rather than discourage the poor kids feelings, and help him to further embrace his inner Swayze. Allow me to elaborate.

Most of the movies in this child's steady diet of heterosexual cinema, subscribe to a formula of well muscled, sweaty, liberally oiled, predominantly shirtless men, posing with large, phallic artillery, that spew hot flame. One such movie destined to forge this young boy into a man's man, was Predator.

Now Predator, while being a kick ass action flick, is probably one of the gayest movies ever made. Here's the premise. Let's take a helicopter, loaded with artillery, pack it with testosterone in the form of seven special forces soldiers (Schwarzenegger, Carl Weathers, Bill Duke, Jesse 'The Body' Ventura, Sonny Landham, Richard Chaves, and Shane Black), and then deposit this penis party in the middle of a jungle.

Predator starts off it's sausage-fest with a 7 on 300 battle, and the special forces unit quickly dispatches this small army that Schwarzenegger easily could have wiped out himself (and actually did in Commando, in fact, I think this is the same exact cast from Commando called in to die as spectacularly as they did in that film) all in an effort to stimulate their already over-heated errogenous zones. Of course, in a lame attempt to not look like a completely misogynistic film, the Cock Squad recruits themselves a vagina, in the form of a women captive, who aside from a really long winded and uneccessary diatribe, adds nothing to the film, and is really just there to be the token female.

The big battle is just an hors d'oeuvre for these cock craving soldiers of fortune....the main course....the Predator! 9 feet of pure alien man love, sporting dread locks, a pair of speedo briefs, and stuffed into a fish net body stocking, the Predator is ready for a very heterosexual game of who has the biggest dick. What do the seven special forces soldiers do? Why take their shirts off and prepare for battle or course! By this point in the film, any homosexual desire you may have had, should be completely erradicated from your mind.

The Predator stalks the military unit and picks them off one by one, leaving Schwarzennegger as his final prey. Shirtless, and greased up with jungle mud (NICE) the two enter nature's arena to do battle and prove who is gay....I mean who is the champion!

As far as a homosexual exorcism kit.....Predator is not the movie for you. If you are comfortable with your sexuality, you will find it action packed, exciting and very entertaining. If you are on the fence however, Predator will drive you right to your knees.....where Fletch is currently positioned with a full mouth. GET TOO DA CHOPPPPAH!!!

Hamlin Grade: 5

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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