In 1985 Arnold Schwarzenegger, starred in Commando. A movie that would complete his transformation from bodybuilder, to movie star. Commando, unfortunately for us, would be the first time, Schwarzenegger would actually be required to act. His prior films, had him star as very wooden, stiff, barely speaking, Barbarians, or Cyborgs, in Commando, as John Matrix, Schwarzenegger not only had to portray a normal guy (normal in this case, would be 6 foot plus, 240 pounds, and trained by special forces), but also a father. Did he pull it off? Nah. But really that's ok, because, while his acting, is so bad that Shatner laughs at him, Schwarzenegger blows the shit of everything and almost makes you believe that one man could defeat an entire army.

Commando begins with a group of very bad men, which include Bennet, who used to be part of Matrix's special forces team (played by Vernon Wells), and Arius (played by Dan Hedaya, the dude who was married to Carla on Cheers) who kidnap John Matrix, and his daughter Jenny (played by Alyssa Milano, who is fresh out of her Who's the Boss years, and is just teaspoons away from becoming the total piece that she is today). By threatening to kill Jenny, they force John Matrix to fly to Valverde to kill the President (whom Matrix is buddies with, since helping with the revolution there, and restore him to power), and in doing such, Arius can succeed him as the leader of the country.

Matrix is escorted to the airport, where he delivers the line that will become his calling card for the remainder of his career:

I'll be back!

Yes we are aware of this Ah-Nuld. Of course his former colleague Bennet (dressed in chain mail and leather pants....he looks more like a gay biker than a special forces guy...but let's give him the benefit of the doubt) untimidated by Matrix retorts with "Joooohn, I'll be waiting Joooohn!" Either a veiled threat, or a promise of a vibrant sexual encounter to come later in the feature....either way, Bennet seems a formidable adversary.

At the airport, Sully (played by the great David Patrick Kelly of Dreamscape) and Henriques bring Matrix to the gate, and explain to him that if he deviates from the plan in anyway, his daughter will be killed. The flight to Valverde is 10 hours, and he will ride shotgun with Henriques the entire way and call in once landing. Sully waits to see them off after a brief exchange with the kidnapped special forces soldier, Matrix replies with "You a funny guy Sully. That's why I'm going to kill you last." If you haven't realized it by now, this movie is peppered with some of the best lines in movie history and I will do my best to give you a sampling of this amazingly delivered dialogue.

Setting his watch to 10 hours, Matrix boards the plane, and quietly (not really) crushed Henriques face with an elbow, and then snaps his neck. He quickly covers his corpse with a pillow and blanket and prepares his escape. This is the 80s and accessing every part of an airplane is quite easy, so Matrix utilizes the galley food elevator to breach the cargo hold, and then access the still deployed landing gear. Luckily the airport is surrounded by a marsh, and Matrix is able to leap from the landing gear and survive his 300 foot parachute free descent, and plumment safely to the water unharmed. He now has less than 10 hours, to find Bennet, Arius, and rescue his daughter before her captors realize that Matrix is not on the plane.

Following Sully who has just exited the airport, and is busy hitting on a stewardess named Cindy (played by the smoking hot Rae Dawn Chong). Sully's best pick up line of 'You fucking whore' is unsuccessful, and he trudges on in look of other 'slash' elsewhere. Matrix, kidnaps Cindy in a roundabout way, and forces her to chase Sully down. After a brief encounter at a mall, Sully spots Matrix and flees to call his superiors to let them know Matrix is not on the plane, and has broken their deal. The footchase goes to the streets, and Cindy and Matrix eventually run Sully's Porsche off the road in the mountains of California. This is probably one the greatest scenes ever in a movie. Matrix holds Sully by one leg upside down over the edge of a cliff. The filming was so bad that you can see the cable which actually holds Sully, and prevents him from falling. Wringing him of information about the whereabouts of his daughter, he delivers his final message to Sully.."Sully, you remember when I said I would kill you last?" to which Sully responds.."That, that's right Matrix you did!", and Matrix "I LIED!", dropping the dimunitive henchmen to his death.

After following a few more leads, Matrix, along with his new companion Cindy (yes Fletch, CINDY!) discover the location of his daughter, and prepare to assault the small island fortress where she is being held captive. Before beginning his campaign, he gives Cindy instructions on what to do when the action begins. How will Cindy know when the action begins? "Because all fucking hell is going to break loose!" Oh HELL YEAH! Armed with 21inch bi's, glistening, well oiled pectorals, and more weapons of mass destruction than the entire country of Iraq (in actuality I carry more weapons of mass destruction on my person than the country of Iraq), Matrix cut's a path through an army of mercenaries (all who have worse aim than Bill Clinton) till he faces off against his nemesis Bennet. Commando ends with the typical who has the biggest cock battle at the end between the hero and the nemesis. In this case Matrix is more generously endowed, as he responds to several blows delivered unto him by Bennet, and thrusts his large pipe deep with Bennet who responds with a gasp, and release of hot steam.

Commando, as far as action movies go, kicks ass. The one guy versus an army, gives the director the opportunity to showcase every fire arm in existence (at that time), against the back drop of Schwarzenegger's chiseled, rock hard, phsyique (man, am I filling up). Artillery, firepower, biceps, and explosions. Unfortunately this is perhaps the only movie Rae Dawn Chong has starred in where she doesn't get nekkid, so the only breasts we are offered are Schwarzenegger's.....which we will gladly accept! Commando's shining achievement however, is in it's dialogue. While most of Schwarzenegger's lines are delivered through lips that are constantly battling the thick Austrian drawl he tries to unscuccesfully conceal, are hilarious, but in many cases, the best lines come from the elite cadre of thespians that surround him. Here's a list of some of the finer moments:

Sully: "You Fucking Whore!"

Sully: "This bar used to be great for hunting slash..."

Security Guard: "Attention all units, emergency on theater level, suspect six foot two, brown hair. He is one gigantic motherfucker. "

Cooke: "You scared motherfucker? Well you should be because this green beret is going to kick your big ass. "

Bennet: "I really love listening to your little pissant soldiers trying to talk tough. They make me laugh. If Matrix was here, he'd laugh too. "

Hamlin Grade: 6

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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