"Beware the Children" Hee, hee, hee! This is going to be so much fun! Where do I start? How about with the cast. The movie stars Christopher Reeve as Dr. Alan Chaffee. Then there's Kirstie Alley as Dr. Susan Verner. That should be enough right there. I could probably have had a great time picking on just those two throughout the whole film, but it gets so much better. The film also features Mark Hamill as Reverend George! You didn't think he was going to just roll over after Corvette Summer, did you? Not when he has a man of the cloth in him yet.

The movie takes place in Midwich, population 2000. It's a hard-working, clean-living town where everyone is white and goes to church on Sunday. And everyone likes everyone else and helps each other out. It's almost like this is the perfect place to live. Doesn't seem quite right for a horror movie. We should dirty them up a bit, don't you think? We get that chance almost immediately as a young strapping lad jumps in his pick-up truck and – wait just a minute?! Is that the guy from Eddie and the Cruisers? It sure is! Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Paré has joined us in this best of all horror movie casts. He's on his way out of town when an unseen force passes over Midwich. I believe the technical term for that force would be a sperm cloud. Everyone passes out for a few hours and then they wake up. No harm, no foul. Oh, except for poor Mr. Paré who was driving at the time and crashed his truck. And the guy who passed out on the grill and burned to death. And the little altar boy who chocked to death while serving Reverend George. Other than that, the whole incident was pretty innocuous. Or was it?

Well, not quite. It seems that a few weeks later most of the women of child bearing years learn that they are knocked up. Way to go, creepy sperm cloud! Even got the virgin. Now I don't know about you, but if a creepy
sperm cloud passes over my perfect city and knocks my lady up, I'm just not going to have that baby. But that's me, that's how I roll. But we're in Midwich, and being the town that it is, all of the pregnant ladies decide to keep their babies. Fortunately we have Kirstie on hand to keep an eye on things. Heck, with her help, the government is even going to pay for all medical costs plus $3000 a month for each creepy sperm cloud child. Is it just me or did Kirstie look ridden hard and put away wet even back in 1995? Yeesch! She wears black throughout the whole film and it doesn't help even a wee bit.

Fast forward about nine months and they're all having their babies at the exact same moment. All but one. Kirstie spirits away the poor unfortunate sperm cloud child that was stillborn. But we've got nine perfect little Aryan sperm cloud children that all look exactly alike; five boys and four girls. And we'll watch these kids grow up. It's clear from the beginning that they're just not right. They're completely emotionless and they seem to be able to read the minds of the adults around them. Gee, that plot device seems familiar. Where have I seen it before? Oh, that's right, IN EVERY SINGLE MOVIE ABOUT EVIL CHILDREN! They even have laser vision. What up Superman? Why didn't you just bust out some laser vision of your own? Dang!

Things move along in a predictable manner and all that's left is to see how everyone gets to die. Mark Hamill shoots himself in the head and I couldn't have been more delighted. Dream come true. And Kirstie Alley is forced to perform an autopsy on herself where she finds no talent, but three smaller fat women.

This movie is almost so bad it's good. Almost, but it's so clear that they're trying to make a really scary movie (and a remake at that) that is just becomes pitiable. I only have one piece of advice for you, Bad Movie Knights; if you see yourself reaching for this movie, "Abort! Abort!"

Hamlin Grade: 2

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