Did Lion's Gate ever meet a film it didn't like? Don't think so. They should be well represented during the Octoberfestival of Horror as they seem to have a penchant for slasher films. So perhaps this could be a fun teenage death-romp. Oh wait, but no, because you see it's not really about vampires. Or a clan. And they only kill two people. And it's based on a true story. Damn you, Lion's Gate!

It's about a bunch of Goths who are fascinated by vampires. Let's talk about Goths for a moment. On rant. At their absolute best I find them pleasant, but silly. A step down from that finds them laughable. Still further down finds them pitiable, and at the bottom of the ladder I find them really annoying. I think they should be cock-punched on a regular basis. "Ooh, look at me, look at me! What are you looking at?! I'm so misunderstood! Why doesn't anyone understand me? Why can't you just accept me for my bad makeup and suicidal tendencies?" And yet, that having been said, I find the yahoos in this movie even more annoying. I want them to be locked in a room together and be forced to cock-punch each other while ABBA is piped into their cell.

Off rant. Let's get on with the story. A "clan" of "vampires" is led by Roderick 'Rod' Justin Farrell (played by Drew Fuller). He's a really charismatic fellow who draws all of the other Goths to him like . . . well I was going to say like vampires to blood, but in this case it's more like flies to garbage. They hang out in a place called the Vampire Hotel in Kentucky "where they can be themselves," but they're making a road trip to New Orleans. It's never explained how, but mostly innocent Heather Ann Wendorf, played by Kelly Kruger, knows Rod, and he and his "clan" are going to stop in and pick her up on the way. And she's Rod's girlfriend. And she thinks he's a really great guy. And needless to say she's an idiot. God I hate pretend vampires.

All goes according to plan only there's one problem, they need a new set of wheels. They could just steal the car of Heather's parents, but that wouldn't be any fun. They're vampires, remember? Up to now they've only gnawed on each others wrists from time to time. Apparently to become a full fledged vampire you need to kill yourself a couple of helpless victims. So Rod and his stupid friend Howard Scott Anderson, played by Timothy Lee DePriest (scary vampire names guys, Rod and Howard), walk into the house and needlessly beat mom and dad to death.

This film is more docudrama than horror, and most of it shows the different members of the "clan" recounting their version of what happened. I have a hard time believing that even Goths can be this stupid. I take it back, calling them stupid is an insult to stupid people.

Hamlin Grade: 2

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