The Ring has to be one the most over hyped films in recent memory. Oh yeah this movie will scare the shit out of you....in large part because of another performance by that talentless whore Naomi Watts. How is this bitch famous?

The basic plot of the Ring is this. You watch a movie. You receive a phone call. You die. That's it. Scary!

Allow me to elaborate just a bit more on this. A VHS tape, discovered at a mountain cabin is the focal point of this horrifyingly bad movie. Of course, this tape houses pure evil. How do I know? Well cuz after you watch it you die. This is old shcool evil too, because all new evil, would have put it's essence on a DVD. Perhaps added some documentaries and featurettes on 'The making of Evil', a scene index, so you can jump to your favorite evil chapters, and maybe even a few evil deleted scenes. However this is just not to be. So we get the VHS tape, which contains an awful art school thesis movie project created by a wannabe filmmaker from Pratt Institute. The film itself is so bad, it should kill you instantly, rather than torture you for the next 7 days. At the conclusion of the movie, your phone rings. Yes Evil, gives you a call! Evil, then lets you know that because you surveyed this film, your life will end in a week. So what comes next? 7 days of anticipation that drives the viewer to the brink of madness (similiar to the anticipation you will have waiting for this shit to end). Then that magical 7th day arrives....and Evil with it. Evil is of course personified in a gangrenous, pale, black haired, Pratt Institute chick (we've come full circle) who by manner of shear ugliness scares the life from her victims.....leaving them looking like Edward Munch's 'The Scream'.

So how does Evil get on a video cassette tape, then get your phone number, and then kill you? I'd love to say watch the movie, and you'll see. But all of the above are left completely unanswered. Perhaps the solutions to this riddle lie in wait for us in the Ring 2. A movie which only Naomi Watts, talentless whore that she is, has seen....so we will forever be left in the dark.

I was going to completely pan this movie and give it the Berry, but because of the creepy Pratt chick and her excellent portrayal, I decided to be more gracious. I'm just fucking with you. This movie sucks rocks.

Hamlin Grade:

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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