As The Grudge 2 is about to open this Friday the 13th, I thought it apropos to review its predecessor. Sigh. It sounded like a good idea. "When someone dies in the grip of a powerful rage, a curse is born. The curse gathers in that place of death. Those who encounter it will be consumed by its fury." Great, this is going to be an artsy horror film. Well god knows they have a lot of people in this film I want killed.

Let's start with Sarah Michelle Gellar, shall we? I think she was just fine as Buffy, but she's no movie star. If only she would have taken a page from the acting book of Harry Hamlin. Harry starred in the worst movie ever made, Clash of the Titans. He saw himself on film, realized how much he sucked on the big screen and decided not to make that mistake again. He went on to big success on the small screen and I applaud him for recognizing his limits. Poor Sarah, she had her small screen success first and now she's trying to make the leap. All I can say is she's going to need a mighty powerful tailwind behind her if she's going to have a chance. The Grudge ain’t it. She bores me to tears.

Then there’s Bill Pullman. I certainly want him to die and he wastes no time in fulfilling my desire by throwing himself off a balcony in the first scene. Hooray! Maybe this film isn’t going to be so bad after all. Wait just a minute! First scene? Bill Pullman? Damn. He’ll be back.

And Tom Cruise’s ugly cousin, William Mapother. He looks like he got stuck in a fun house mirror. If you look through the bottom of a beer mug he looks just like Tom. Then again, if you look at any woman through the bottom of a beer mug come bar time, they look just like Scarlett Johansson. Gotta stop doing that. At any rate, I don’t care if William is more talented than Tom, he’s an ugly mother and I want him to die.

Well that’s out of the way, on with the story. It’s the story of a cursed house in Japan where something awful happened and will also happen to you if you enter. Oh, that’s right, we know that already because they tell us in
the beginning of the movie. Guess I’m not spoiling anything. All that’s left to do is show the audience how. And it’s not bad it’s just really lethargic. There’s not a whole lot of tension going on here. And it overuses some of the most overused horror movie techniques. Something dark and scary flitting quickly past the camera, quick feet running, and the slow turn. I guarantee that no one has ever heard something startling behind them, took a moment to collect themselves and then slowly turned to face the horror behind them. Ever.

And while we’re on the subject of stupid things, I’d like to take a poll of the worst places to go in a horror movie, because this one has three of them. And by this I mean when someone knows something bad is going on; freaky things are happening and the character still decides to go into one of these places. Top of the list has to be a bathtub or a shower. This film also has someone going in a stairwell. And let’s not forget the attic.

The rest of my list in no particular order includes:

A basement
A haunted house
A bad neighborhood
A roadside motel (and why are motels scarier than hotels?)
A high school
Anywhere with your step-father
Elm Street
An elevator
A closet
A teenage sex party
A farm house
Anywhere where the lights are out
A lake
A cornfield
The woods
Any back room
An alley
Too close to a mirror
An insane asylum
A cemetery
A funeral home
A swamp
An Indian burial ground
A camping trip with a priest
Dan Marino’s trophy room

Am I missing anything? Feel free to add to the list.

The Grudge is so-so. It’s well made, reasonably acted and there’s a creepy moment or two, there’s just not enough. Certainly not enough to make me go back for a second helping.

Hamlin Grade: 3

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