I have to admit that I have been uninspired this month. I've never shared the love that Fletch has for Horror movies (or his love for killing hookers for that matter), or really appreciated some of the classics the genre has produced. That is until now.

I give you Silent Predators! This little gem was an Amazon.com recommendation, which is now one of the many movies that float within the bucket of the worst shit Hollywood has ever created. It's funny how if you buy one bad movie on that site, they shower you with 10 more that you may 'find interesting'. Try buying 60 bad movies. My Amazon.com home page looks like a scatophelia party at Slyvester Stallone's house....I'm not sure what that means, but know that it's altogether unpleasant.

Silent Predators like most bad movies, follows what I like to call the bad movie framework, almost to the letter. Silent Predators starts by creating a script that is essentially pillaged from other films (in this case...1 part Komodo, 2 parts Jaws), assembling a group of horrible actors, get a director who's never sat behind a camera before (unless you count Tornado! )....and make a movie!!! Silent Predators does however, have a bright spot. The great Harry Hamlin arrives to help bring this hopeless piece of shit some of his star power. Hamlin immediately exemplifies the Ironside Agenda, as there is not another actor or actress in this disaster that should ever be on screen again. I'm not even fucking kidding around.

Silent Predators begins with some poor asshole who's car has broken, in the middle of the night, on a desolate road. Luckily a flatbed truck pulls up and offers the asshole a lift. On the back of the truck is a large crate that has the words "LIVE REPTILE" generously sprayed across all it's sides. The asshole's luck is short lived as the driver loses control of his vehicle and it careens off the road.....dislodging the crate and breaking it open, freeing its inhabitants.....which kill the driver and asshole. Bad Movie Knight note: The driver of the vehicle is actor Dominic Purcell, who played Dracula in Blade : Trinity, and is the older brother from the popular TV series Prison Break. I ony bring this up, because I think it's funny how the biggest star in this movie (aside from Hamlin) was on screen for 2 minutes and had one line. Perhaps this movie will become an example of the Aniston Effect for Mr. Purcell.

After fading to black, we get the standard '20 years later' type across the bottom of our screen, (this is almost identical to the opening 5 minutes of Komodo), we meet our hero Vic Rondelli, played by the great Harry Hamlin. This is where Silent Predators becomes Jaws. Vic Rondelli, is the town's new fire chief and gradually brought around town by his predeccessor and introduced, to the mayor, pet store owner, an asshole real estate developer and his assistant (who Rondelli will undoubtedly be banging later in the film, thanks in big part to her not so subtle 'fuck me eyes'). So Rondelli, is essentially playing the same role as Chief Brody in Jaws. Newcomer, and outsider to a position of power, not trusted by anyone in the community, and his lack of experience and tenure in the neighborhood is constantly called into question.

The small town's big player is real estate developer Max Farrington. His company is constructing a new housing development, and his greed (which has no bounds) will prevent anything from standing in the way of his venture. Little does Farrington realize that his real estate development has unbalanced the habitat of the rattlesnakes that have been dwelling there....yep for the last 20 years. Farrington's character is essentially the equivalent of Mayor Larry Vaughn from Jaws.

Like Jaws, Silent Predators first introduces us to it's main star (no not Hamlin) by the clever use of camera work (when we view the world through a snake's eyes, everything is red...ooooh scary), as they take down their first victim, a teenage boy, who was trying to get a piece from his girlfriend in the woods. The young lad dies quickly, and leaves his girlfriend screaming (and unfulfilled). Like most Fire Chiefs, Vic Rondelli knows exactly how to handle rattle snakes. He enlists the aid of his friend and herpetologist (this is a doctor that deals with the study of reptiles...not to be confused with the doctor Fletch visits to diagnose the large purple sores on his genitals) Dr. Matthew Watkins. Mr. Watkins would be the Mr. Hooper character from Jaws. Dr. Watkins, after studying a captured rattle snake (ensnared by the versatile Chief Rondelli), discovers that these rattle snakes are unlike anything he's ever seen! UH OH!! They are twice as a large as a normal rattle snake (which is to say they are a whopping 7 to 8 feet long! HOLY SHIT!! Are you as terrified as I am?!) and their venom can kill in under a minute, as proposed to the 3-4 minutes. This sounds like trouble.

So the small town is under siege by the larger than normal rattle snakes and hold a town meeting (see Jaws), where the Mayor and Farrington discredit Chief Rondelli (see Jaws) and tell the town not to worry about or heed his warnings (see Jaws). Farrington elists the aid of the towns people to have a snake hunt and find their nest (see Jaws) and save their community from the reptilian threat. Will their hunt be successful? Or will Chief Rondelli have to save the day? Do you care?

Silent Predators has it's amusing moments, especially when you look for the Jaws scenes that have been blatantly ripped off. The dumbest thing about Silent Predators, aside from the fact that the threat really wasn't exaggerated enough (i mean, why not have 18 foot rattle snakes, with laser shooting eyes?), is the title of the film. Rattle snakes while being predators yes, are far from silent. They have this thing on their tail, called a 'rattle', which they use to scare away potential threats, thus the name rattle snake. So Silent Predators....probably the dumbest name for a film in Hollywood history. Our lord and savior Harry Hamlin, does bring Silent Predators the kind of acting you'd expect from a thespian of his calibre. Which is to say, not much.

Hamlin Grade:5

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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