House of Wax is one of the latest of a new breed of horror movie that attempts to cash in on the flavor of the month this genre has become in the past few years. While it does offer a clever new method of dispatching victims, which in turn provides some eye candy, House of Wax follows the Horror blue print almost to the letter. Almost.

The standard horror movie setup, a bunch of teens go camping in the woods, a crew made up of several guys (one of them is Denny from Meet the Parents, the others are forgettable), and two ladies (Elisha Cuthbert and Paris Hilton), who party all night, even though they are briefly interrupted by a guy in a pickup truck who drives up, hits them with the high beams, then drives off. When they wake in the morning, Wade's (one of the forgettables) sweet ride, won't start, because his fan belt is broken...hmmmmmm, which he claims was brand new....HMMMMMMM....so it's off to town with his girlfriend Carly (Cuthbert) and the town 'road kill cleaner-upper' guy who picked them up, in his beautifully detailed pickup. How they met the driver is borderline ridiculous...actually, its downright ridiculous....just watch and you'll understand. Why anyone would get into a pickup with this dude of their own free will is ...oh wait its a horror movie....perhaps I should be more shocked they don't bang in front of the guy.

Arriving in town, which is very desolate, they see that the garage is closed, and the proceed onto the church. And why not? A you know, most of your finer auto parts can be found at the local house of worship. Luckily for them, the garage owner is attending a funeral, and agrees to help them with their auto part purchase at the conclusion of the service. So what do two teens do with the better part of an hour to spare? Indulge their curiosity by breaking into the local House of Wax. Breaking and entering is a standard for victims in the horror movie genre, so House of Wax provides us with a group of characters that fail to dissapoint. After a brief tour of the House of Wax, and it's sculptures that seem 'very life-like'....HMMMMMM.....they return to the garage, where they perform their second B&E of the film and start inspecting the assorted fan-belts, of which they have every size, except for the length Wade needs...HMMMMMM.

The garage owner arrives and tells the couple that the parts he needs are at his house, and they follow him to his house. Wade needs to use the bathroom, and Carly waits in the garage owners truck, while the two enter the home. Wade finishes his sinful business and rather than exit the home, proceeds to look around and walk into rooms at his leisure. If you haven't guessed by now, Wade is a dumb asshole. Thankfully, he is assaulted by a masked man with a pair of large shears. Carly meanwhile realizes that the truck she is in, is the same from the evening prior that dropped by the camp site, and freaks as the garage owner leaves the house. They have a brief battle until she is finally subdued.

We cut to Wade, still alive, being dragged to an underground facility by the masked man where he is stripped and then has his facial hair (eyebrows included) waxed off. He is then suspended in an elaborate shower device by his head through the use of some sort of neck trauma halo. The Masked Man turns a few levers, a couple of knobs, some valves, and the wax begins to flow like wine....or beer. Wade is entombed in a waxy cocoon. This is about the only cool part of House of Wax. Later a few of his overly curious friends from the camp site will find Wade still half alive as part of the gallery display. His eyes being the only thing left uncovered, he is able to look around and moan. Denny from Meet the Parents attempts to remove the wax, but as he does, it also takes off his skin to reveal the muscles of face beneath. As I said before....cool! The Masked Man then catches his friends and the scenario Wade underwent continues.

Of course the Masked Man, and the garage owner, ensnare all of the camping teens except for two.....Carly, and her brother. They set fire to the Masked Man's workshop (which is beneath the House of Wax, and is made entirely of wax you see, this is important because fire melts wax), and proceed upstairs. The pair battle the garage owner, and the Masked Man as the House of Wax begins melting around them. This is the eye candy of spoke of earlier. I'm sure architects watching this movie would be losing their minds as to the structural load that the wax walls would be initially holding....to them I say....you are dorks. Anyway, the siblings and the Masked Man and garage owner wage war in a flaming wax house......riveting. Not really, but you have to see it to believe it.

House of Wax's biggest failure is the lack of nudity. This is probably the only piece of film in existence that Paris Hilton actually wears clothing. Elisha Cuthbert is unfortunately on the rise so we will have to wait for her career to crash and burn before she shows some skin. So, House of Wax wins the dubious honor of being the only horror movie without a nude scene. I'm sure there are others, but I doubt it.

Hamlin Grade: 1

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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