The modern horror film has begun to depress me. When did Hollywood forget how to make a good scary movie? I'm not talking about the slasher flicks (and I will freely admit that while not my favorite kind of horror flick they can be good titillating fun), but when did we forget how to make a good psychological thriller? The recent spate of horror flicks just doesn't know how to get it done, and Boogeyman is no exception.

The film opens with a child afraid to go to sleep. There are all sorts of strange things and noises in his room and they're creeping him out. The monstrous action figure on his bureau? He throws it in the drawer so that he doesn't have to look at it. The robe and the baseball bat that he's left on the chair that looks like a mysterious interloper? Throw that robe in a drawer as well and be done with spooky shadows. Unbeknownst to him, this is the exact formula for creating a Boogeyman and setting mysterious forces in motion. But little Timmy can't do anything about the forbidding closet. That's where dad comes in. Good old dad decides to take care of sonny's sissy-like fear of the closet by walking right in. Silly daddy! He's promptly beaten to a pulp and spirited away, never to be seen again.

That kind of thing could adversely effect an eight year old boy, and it does. Flash forward fifteen years and Tim (played by Barry Watson) is all grown up. I hated this guy on first sight. He's got those twenty-something good looks about him with that impossible hair-do that's messy and yet perfect at the same time. Oh, he may have the perfect job and the hot girlfriend, but he's a complete mess on the inside. He's spent the last fifteen years in and out of mental facilities where scores of doctors and therapists have tried to convince him that the whole incident was in his mind and that his father simply took off. Tim tries to go along with this explanation, but he can't get over his fear of closets. Check that; not just closets, anything with a door on it: cupboards, refrigerators, showers, you name it, he's afraid of it.

We're about ten minutes into the movie by this point and I just want him to die. No, not yet. First I want him to cry, then I want him to die. That's still not it. I want him to cry and wet his pants, then I want him to die. There's still something missing, what it? Ah, got it! I want him to cry and soil himself, then after he's dead I want the people who find him to learn that he's been wearing women's underwear. That would make me happy. Alas, we will get no such justice from this film. While at Thanksgiving at hot girlfriend's house he gets a premonition that his mother (who has also gone insane) is in trouble. He's right, she's dead. This leads him to go back home which leads to the rest of this truly sub-par movie.

I'd like to ruin the whole thing for you, I really would, but I just don't want to put in the effort. I figure if you watch this movie after reading this review you deserve to have the ending ruined. Instead I shall turn my efforts to the two things that really suck about this movie; the slow approach and the false alarm. I really think that these both need glossary terms. Tim sees a door. Tim is afraid. Tim takes an impossibly long time getting to the door when suddenly . . . nothing happens. Or Tim sees a door. Tim takes an impossibly long time getting to the door when suddenly . .. . somebody touches his shoulder and he spins around and . . . nothing happens. This happens over and over again in this stupid movie until you are numb to the device. Throw in some quick running feet and moving shadows and you get the idea.

Boogeyman – not scary. Booger from Revenge of the Nerds – comparatively speaking much scarier. Mark Wahlberg's acting in Boogie Nights – scariest of all.

I give this film one Hamlin for casting Lucy Lawless as Tim's mother, and then I'll take half of that away for not using her properly.

Hamlin Grade: 1/2

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