Eat it Bosh! That's right kids, the time has come to review the 1984 cult classic, C.H.U.D. "But what does C.H.U.D. mean, Fletch?" Well for those of you who have not sampled this fine wine of horror, as it were, shame on you! Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers! Does it get any better that that? I assert that it does not! Something strange is going on beneath the streets of New York that may account for all of the recent missing persons reported to the N.Y.P.D. The department has been covering it up, but one cop is about to blow the cover off this conspiracy; Captain Bosh. Bosh pays a visit to Shepard's soup kitchen for the homeless down in Little Italy. A soup kitchen in little Italy? It's always fun to see Ed Koch's New York. Shepard is played beautifully by Daniel Stern. His lid and poor excuse for a beard are only small reasons for such praise. Stern's use of the Captain's name is pure poetry, "Beat it Bosh", "It doesn't wash Bosh!", "What's really going on Bosh!", " Bosh!" Stern's mastery of the word Bosh is like a dog playing with a rag doll.

So Bosh shows up at the soup kitchen and Shepard tells him a lot of his regulars who live underground have gone missing. Shepard's not buying that Bosh is genuinely concerned about a few missing homeless people and presses Bosh for his real motives. "My wife is missing." Mrs. Flora Bosh is missing?! Damn them! Damn those C.H.U.D.!

A parallel storyline follows the life of prominent fashion photographer, George Cooper (John Heard). Cooper has given up the glamour of the runway to document the homeless who call the sewers home. He learns some sort of monster has been on the prowl down there and has taken a nice bite out of Victor the homeless guys thigh, gruesome. C.H.U.D.!! Back to Shepard, who has taken Bosh into the underground labyrinth where he shows him a ski boot and a Geiger counter. That's enough evidence for Bosh. Call the commissioner!

A meeting is arranged between the Commissioner and Mr. Wilson from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. This meeting stages some of the movies' best acting and lines. "You don't have to listen to the ravings of a this paranoid Hippie." Pay special attention to Daniel Stern, especially when he's in the background. He's not acting, he's hallucinating. Needless to say, Wilson isn't giving up any information and Shepard
storms out in the dramatic fashion we have now grown accustomed to. Bravo Sir!

Wilson sends a N.R.C. henchman to follow Shepard to make sure he doesn't go to the press with his ski boot and Geiger counter. As Shepard attempts to make a call from a pay phone the henchman takes his quarter and swallows it. The two men size each other up in a tight shot that lasts far too long. Fuck or fight! The movie moves pretty fast from here with C.H.U.D. crawling out of the wood work. What's great is that the budget only allowed for a hand full of rubber masks with glowing eyes and some rubber monster arms so that's all you will see. It's fantastic! Shepard somehow meets up with Copper in the sewers. "You Cooper?" "Yeah, who are you?" "I run the soup kitchen." "Glad they deliver." The two of them stumble across a bunch of body parts at which point Cooper losses it. To calm him down Shepard virtually mounts Cooper. I Guess that would distract anyone. Action, action and more action which ends with a truck slowly rolling into an open manhole which of course causes an unexplainable explosion!

C.H.U.D. is wonderfully bad and should be required viewing for any true Bad Movie Knight.

Hamlin Grade: 6.5

Fletch is a killing word!