If thou prick us are we not bummed?" We have reached another film that totally confirms Francis Ford Coppola will never reach the dizzying heights (like the waves in Waimea) of success most found in his youth. Coppola attempts to make a most triumphant feel-good horror love story in Bram Stoker's Dracula. Is this entirely necessary, bra?

Dude, we get to totally check out Prince Dracula from back in the day. Sporting long flowing hair and beard bra, Dracula free man! He has just finished the 3rd period of a very exciting hockey game with Bob and Doug McKenzie and the other fellas from the lunatic asylum. He's barley gotten off his skates when he is called on to fight the Turks, bummer dude, war is so like, violent. It's a good thing that his hockey equipment is also effective in battle, awesome! The introduction sets up the back story for the tragic figure of Dracula and his lost love - blah, blah, blah.

The real story here is a most epic performance by Keanu Reeves. That's not all, there's also Willamina, Keanu's beloved, a most righteous English babe played by Winona Ryder. You English think your sooo superior, as well you should when you hear these Yanks attempt an English accent, most triumphant. "Oh Willamina, babe, how your love rocks my soul, ha, ha!" Keanu, Winona! Keanu, Winona! Keanu! Winona! Marco, Winona! What was Coppola thinking? Oh, that's right, we have already established he's out of his skull.

We have just scratched the surface of the jaw-dropping acting skills found in this movie. Meet Lucy and her suitors: the nervous Dr. Jack Seward (a Bowie knife toting Texan), Quincey P. Morris, and Lord Arthur Holmwood. These characters will have you asking how and why. It wouldn't be a Coppola film without the totally tubular Tom Waits, and let's not forget the "what the hell" performance provided by Anthony Hopkins as Professor Abraham Van Helsing. Bram Stoker's Dracula is a solid production, providing some beautiful old school slight of hand camera work and impressive costuming and makeup. What makes this a fantastically bad movie is Coppola's casting and direction to his actors. "No, no, Keanu, I'd like it bigger, more like a London gentlemen surfer!"

Hamlin Grade: 5

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