As I mentioned before, I really enjoy horror films, but the recent wave of terror flicks hasn't had me running out to the theaters. Hollywood is pumping out monster and slasher flicks so quickly, that I can't tell one from the other. In my effort to keep up with current trends, I found myself looking at the cover of a movie which was a shameless H.R. Geiger rip-off. As I sat there wondering if anything these days has a shred of originality, my eyes wandered to the top of the cover where I found the name Christian Slater. Oh hell yeah, it's on! The movie of which I speak is called Alone in the Dark and if you spend any time watching it you will feel exactly that.

This film begins with text rolling up the screen telling the back-story: "In 1967, mine workers discovered the first remnants of a long lost Native American civilization - The Abkani. The Abkani believed in two worlds, a world of light, and a world of dark." Blah, blah ,blah. The Abkani opened a gate releasing evil into this world and wiping them out. A government program called 713 specializes in the study of this lost culture and the supernatural forces surrounding it. The man who headed up 713 lost a screw and started performing savage experiments on orphans. Our hero Edward Carnby (Christian Slater) was one of those orphans. In fact he was the only one who managed to escape.

All right, let me stop right there and make a few things clear. When text appears at the beginning of a movie it is usually a bad sign. Some of the only movies that this tactic actually works for are the Star Wars trilogy and Blade Runner. There are a handful of good movies that get away with this, but ninety percent of the time if you see text at the beginning of a movie, you're in for a bumpy ride. Another point you future filmmakers may want to heed is not to suck on the teat of a television program that has not seen the height of it's popularity in almost a decade (see The X-files.) But I digress, we still have Christian to look forward to.

Five minutes after meeting Edward Carnby, the Slater voiceover begins in Film Noir style. I feel like I don't have to mention that a voiceover is also a tremendous red flag, but with Christian at the helm, it's so wrong it's right. Carnby is a paranormal investigator specializing in Abkani artifacts. There are evil forces afoot, determined to relieve Carnby of an artifact he obtained on his latest expedition. Now let's meet Carnby's ex-girlfriend who also happens to be an Abkani specialist. It appears that Tara Reid sobered up long enough to play the roll of Aline Cedrac. Wearing her hair back in a tight bun and sporting some black framed glasses, Miss Reid really embodies the essence of this no-nonsense intellectual who is an expert in her field. You can buy that right? Well whenever we have an ex appear on film, all we need is conflict to fan the flames of passion. I award two Hamlin's for the ridiculous love scene shot in the spirit of soft, soft, soft porn. That's alright, it's only a matter of time before Tara has to loose all her cloths to cover her bar tabs.

Really cool monsters called Zeneos have been released on our love birds. Zeneos turn invisible, disrupt electricity and only dwell in the dark! Shortly after the Zeneos let their presence be known, the government agency of 713 arrives on the scene led by Carnby's Nemesis agent, Richard Burke, played by Steven Dorff (Beaned.) This was a brilliant casting call by some brainiac. Hey, let's get Christian Slater light to play opposite Christian Slater. Who in the world is buying that Steven Dorff is a bad-ass standing at an impressive five foot nothing? His over-acting, however, challenges the lack of any coming from Miss Reid which makes Mr. Slater a candidate for the Ironside Agenda.

Alone in the Dark is a Bad Movie that borrows from a plethora of horror and Sci-fi sources to create something completely forgettable. Having said that, seeing the line up of such powerhouses as Dorff, Reid and Slater, it had that made for TV movie feel that I was looking for.

Hamlin Grade: 5

Fletch is a killing word!