Excerpts from a recording of a Warner Brothers production meeting, 1994.

X: Okay, so we have to capitalize on our box office success form Under Siege.
Y&Z: Sequel!
X: You got it. So how can we make it, but make it new and exciting?
Y: Instead of Seagal fighting terrorists on a ship how about . . . like in a skyscraper?
X: How many times do I have to say the words "Die Hard?"
Y: Oh yeah, my bad. Well, how about like on a bus?
Z: Speed.
Y: Alright, I got it. They take over a train.
Z: A train? Why don't you have them highjack a hand glider?
X: A hand glider, now that would be daring, but let's stick to the train. Yes, a train has possibilities.
Y: Okay, okay, okay, like Seagal is the new cook on a military train and the terrorists take it over to get missiles and stuff, you know 'cause it's a military train.
Z: Did you even see the first movie? It's exactly the same premise. Do you remember Mr. X saying he wanted something 'new.'
X: Yes we're going to have to mix it up a bit team. Come on, let's think outside the box.
Z: (under his breath) We're high jacking a train, we couldn't be anymore inside the box.
X: What's that Z? Speak up?
Z: I was just saying, uh, box, box . . . box! It's a boxcar! No, it's a passenger train and, ahh, Seagal is going on vacation with, with his niece. Yeah, that's it! It gives him a side the audience can relate to, everyone loves a cool uncle.
Y: Totally. Like my Uncle Bob was the best. He took me to Wrestlemania IV and–
X: Yes, yes, I'm sure it was special, but let's try to stay on task here. What is the terrorist's motivation?
Z: (under breath) Terrorist's motivation? Are you kidding me?
X: Your going to have to speak up Z.
Y: I got it! They make a giant train bomb to blow up Washington D.C., you know, because they're terrorists.
X: I like the destruction of the capitol, but it seems a bit too simple.
Z: What is wrong with you people?! My god, why don't you just have them take over the train because they have some 'magical' device that can hack into the government's top- secret computers and cannot be traced as long as they're on the move, hence the train. And wait, even better, once they have hacked into the system they take over a top-secret weapon. Oh let's say a laser beam in space, and threaten to blow up a nuclear reactor that's over a fault line directly beneath the Pentagon. And it's not only going to wipe out D.C., but the entire eastern seaboard unless the government is willing to pay . . . oh I don't know, a billion dollars. You have Seagal team up with someone on the cooking staff so that you can play up on the fact that this ex-Navy SEAL has exceptional culinary skills, because that's important. Really important. His niece is then taken as one of the hostages to heighten the drama. Seagal takes the terrorists out one by one until we reach a climactic ending with huge explosions. Uncle and niece are then reunited. The end! And why don't we go ahead and hire the writers for Bazooka Joe?
X: Love It! I'm not sure why we need other writers though, your stuff is great! Let's get cracking and send this off to our own writers and put this baby to bed!
Z: (sigh) I can't believe I get paid for this.

One year later, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory was released marking the beginning of Steven Seagal's decline as a box office draw.

Hamlin Grade: 4

Fletch is a killing word!