Growing up, there were few movies I hated more than Young Guns. The only ones that actually come to mind are "Even Cowgirls Get the Blues" and "Clash of the Titans." Young Guns was such a monumentally bad movie that I dreaded viewing it again. I mentioned this to a couple of buddies of mine and they went off on me. "What are you talking about, Young Guns is a Great Movie!" "That scene where they're tripping in the desert, hilarious!" All right, it's been almost twenty years since I saw the film, perhaps my memory is not what it should be. Heck, let's give it a go.

Opening credits: Estevez, Sutherland, Diamond Phillips, Sheen. Wow! You'd be hard pressed to come up with a line-up for which I would have more loathing, but I remind myself to view the movie afresh and see if I can't enjoy it a bit more this go around. Besides, it does also feature Terrance Stamp and Jack Palance, two of the best bad guys in moviedom. And then it happens; Emilio Estevez makes his first appearance and the bile begins to rise in my throat. Why this unnatural hatred for Emilio? And not just Emilio, I hate both of Martin Sheen's acting sons. Pat purported that Halle Berry was the worst actor ever, but I assure you, these two are well beneath her. And then I became curious, which one did I actually hate more? Almost without exception, I've hated every performance ever created by either Emilio or Charlie, but here I had a chance to see them side by side. Ladies and Gentlemen, there is no longer any doubt in my mind that I hate Estevez the most. Not even close.

Estevez plays Billy the Kid, a ne'er-do-well in the old west, but good old John Tunstall (Terrance Stamp playing a rare good guy in this movie), takes him under his wing and puts him up at his dude ranch for the reformation of bad boys. They’re all bad, but they’ve all got a specialty. This device should never be used in a movie again. You know what I’m talking about, a group of people thrown together who are feeling each other out for the first time and showing off their special skills. “My specialty is knives.” “I can control the weather.” Yawn. Let’s start killing these boys off already.

Jack Palance (Lawrence G. Murphy) is the big wig in town and he’s trying to run Terrance out of the territory. He eventually manages to ambush and kill Terrance with all of the boys looking on, and they immediately turn to thoughts of revenge. They’re going to do it legally, however, in respect of their late mentor, so they all get themselves deputized. But just in case you weren’t sure, Billy the Kid is still very naughty and he’s more interested in killing than arresting. The next thing you know, the boys are the ones with a bounty on their heads.

At about this point in the story, we are treated to the only bright spot in the movie. Brian Keith shows up as Buckshot Roberts, a bounty hunter out to bring in the boys. Alas, his appearance is all too brief and he only manages to kill off Sheen before his own demise. With just a few precautions I’m quite sure he could at least have knocked off Sutherland and Diamond Phillips. Killing Estevez was too much to hope for.

Having lost their de facto leader, the rest of the boys are at a loss as what to do. That can only mean one thing; it’s time to head out into the desert and eat some peyote! That ought to give them a clear answer. They do so and the scene is even more ridiculous and out of place than I remember, which can only mean one thing; BMK readers, my friends are idiots.

We reach an inevitable showdown with the boys barricaded in a house completely surrounded by the whole town supported by the cavalry. These guys sure do have some good aim, but for one thing only; panes of glass. Every shot hits a window, but then I believe they replaced every single pane during every break in the movie, because the glass shattering just never ends. Truly ridiculous.

I just want my money back. Brian Keith earns this film one Hamlin for killing Sheen.

Hamlin Grade: 1

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