What better way to honor one of the greatest tragedies ever to befall the United States of America than by having Michael Bay create a gigantic rotting cock pile of a film that is more tragic than the previously mentioned historic event. Pearl Harbor, a day that will live in infamy.......Pearl Harbor the movie is a day that I would like to forget.

Let me start off by stroking master director Michael Bay, by saying that Pearl Harbor does offer probably the most realistic, and I would assume accurate portrayal of that awful day ever seen on the big screen. The effects are spectacular, the camera shots visually stunning, the sound and action that are created are nothing short of awe-inspiring.

That is where the greatness of this movie ends like two lesbian douchebags driving a convertible off of a desert cliff. This 15 to 20 minutes or excellence is bookended by what only could be called a Lifetime for Women special. Michael Bay does a wonderful job getting in touch with his feminine side and weaves a wonderful, heartfelt journey of three individuals caught in the grips of a love triangle. Ben Affleck, Josh Hartnett, and total piece of ass Kate Beckingsale are the players in this forced, chemistry lacking, often uncomfortable, and totally unbelievable scenario. Here it is in a nutsack. Ben and Kate meet, fall in love. Ben signs up for duty in England (Allow me to interject here briefly....if you have managed to score Kate Beckingsale, who is probably the hottest chick in Hollywood, what man in his right mind would rather travel to England and play war with a bunch of drunk, toothless, Braveheart rejects (I spotted 1), than stay in Hawaii, and make sweet sweet donkey style love 25 hours a day to her? Exactly.). Apparently gets killed. Best friend Josh, consoles Kate, they both fall in love and start banging. Ben returns, having not been killed contrary to previous reports and finds his best friend nailing his chick. This marvelous love story is painted like a masterpiece with World War 2 as it's backdrop. Touching. Michael Bay's feminine side was obviously high octaned raped by a horde of rabid walrus's wearing cowboy hats.

Alec Baldwin's character had a cunt hair's chance of being cool, but the dialogue between him and his two boys Ben, and Josh, was so layered in sexual undertones, that his coolness was incinerated. Yes they are good pilots, and yes you want to bang them.....enough already! Perhaps this was Michael Bay's underlying and second love triangle that subliminally transformed Pearl Harbor into Broke Back Harbor....or Pearl Necklace Harbor....or Sam Jackson's favorite....Fags on a Plane.

Aside from the action sequences, John Voigt's portrayal of F.D.R is perhaps the only bright spot in this movie. Although his chin piece didn't seem to fit when he turned his head, and caused it to wrinkle like a poorly manicured tit stuffed with silicone, his casting was probably the best in the film. What Dan Akroyd was doing in this flaming hemmoroid as an intelligence officer is beyond understanding. In fact, trying to understand this movie will give you a headache. Imagine if Spielberg tried crafting a love tale within Schindler's List? Inappropriate perhaps....fucking stupid...for sure.

If you do decide to submit yourself to this torture, I must recommend two things. First make sure you are alone, and no one catches you viewing it. Fletch has still not let up on me for not only watching it, but having purchased this venereal disease of a film. Fletch as you know, is a cock. Secondly, hit the chapter list, and skip right to the battle sequence. Once the bombing run is over, turn off the movie, induce vomiting, and take a shower. Discard the dvd and try to find the means to forgive yourself.

Hamlin Grade: 2

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat