How the fuck did this gem survive our wrath for so long? Navy Seals. Talk about a film made for Bad Movie Knights. Navy Seals is a bad movie that attempts to celebrate the Navy's Elite fighting force, by combining virtually no story, non-existent direction, amazingly bad casting, and special effects that outright blew. This film does less to inspire and honor the Seal Teams than George W. Bush does to honor the Presidency.

Let's talk about the cast. Michael Biehn, the founding father of being Biehn Screened, returns to the big screen for the 200th time as a soldier, this time as Lt. James Curran. He is also re-united with his Terminator cast mates Bill Paxton who plays Dane (Paxton was the blue haired punk in the beginning of Terminator who faced off against a naked Schwarzenegger) and Rick Rossovich as Leary (Rossovich who is best know for his portrayal of Slider in Top Gun, was the courageous lad in Terminator who was dating Sarah Connor's roomate and went toe to toe clad only in his briefs in a marvelous bedroom fight scene). Rounding out the Navy Seal team is once again terrificly cast Charlie Sheen as Lt. Dale Hawkins, and Dennis Haysbert as Chief Billy Graham. There is also Cyril O'Reilly who plays Rexer. He is essentially the red shirt equivalent of a Star Trek Away Team, set up to be killed in this film.

Like any bad movie about an elite military unit, this one breaks no new ground as they are assigned to rescue a group of American hostages being held captive in....anyone? anyone? you guessed it the Middle East (what ever happened to Swiss or Icelandic terrorists...they really don't get the credit they deserve these days)...but UH OH, this rescue mission yields some interesting intelligence as the Seals discover stinger missiles. Stinger missiles as you already know, much like the AK-47 assault rifle are the prefered weapon of the Middle Eastern terrorist as they are very mobile, hand held, and heat seeking which makes them very versatile when it comes to taking out American targets.....like planes. I could have copied and pasted this plot from just about any military based movie to save time.

Let's meet the team! Charlie Sheen plays Hawkins, who is the rogue, care free, hot under the collar, action seeking, adrenyline craving, authority resisting, order refusing, sex having, jeep jumping out of, bar room fighting, over drinking, one line delivering, prostitute propositioning, cocaine using, risk taking, unreliable unless under fire taking, golf playing, fast driving, plane parachuting from, grenade tossing, pistol whipping, heckler and koch brandishing, too much camo make-up wearing, over acting, always hungover, waking up on the beach in the surf kind of asshole every branch of the armed services is looking for. Biehn, plays his superior Curran, and is the complete opposite of Hawkins and does everything in his limited acting abilities to test the limits of Sheens very limited acting abilities.

After the successful rescue operation the Navy Seals attend the wedding of Chief Graham (played by Dennis Haysbert of T.V.'s 24, and the Allstate Commercials...he also had a sweet run on Buck Rogers as the helmsman of the Searcher), which is conveniently interrupted by their beepers going off and the entire team and the Chief leaving the ceremony. Yeah that would win you points with the In-Laws.

The team has already made themselves a nemesis in the form of Ben Shaheed...standard terrorist asshole...nothing new, just a mixture of then and current stereotypes so as not to confuse an audience already baffled as to why the fuck they are watching this flying piece of cow shit. After several incursions Hawkins reckless antics eventually get the better of him and his team, and the Chief is killed. This leads to the typical military funeral, almost wife crying (I often wonder if she's upset that she lost her fiance, or that she doesn't get an American flag because they never technically got married....heartbreaking...truly), 21 gun salute, missing man formation blah blah blah, you son is buried in a field along with hundreds of thousands of other poor men sent to their doom....or having had to work with Sheen. Perhaps death is a more attractive alternative.

The funeral is followed by a little drinking, a little bar fighting, some Biehn on Sheen action that involves the standard 'Sheen argument with his superior' scene which he uses in every movie, and finalizes said confrontation with his textbook 'HUH' (You can see the same seen in Wall Street when he barks at his dad after his Blue Star Airlines deal goes south)! What follows is some brooding, a little love/contemplation montage and then we are back on track.

Once again the Navy Seals return to the Middle East. This movie is like a 12 round boxing match. The Seals must have built up a ridiculous amount of frequent flyer miles traveling to and from the Middle East on a weekly basis, it may have made more sense to get a couple of rooms at the Baghdad Hilton and plan their operations from there. However, now back in the crown jewel of the Northern Hemisphere, they finally succeed in taking out their adversary Shaheed's munitions and several hundred of his merry men (I exaggerate slightly, but there are so many of these guys, they are almost as replaceable as Stormtroopers.). Of course this mission does see the Navy Seals lose two more of their teammates. Rexer, the useless, fill in the blanks guy that was cast to die in this film as I stated earlier, and their sniper played by Bill Paxton. It's difficult not to get choked up about losing these characters for which you have invested so much emotionally.....or perhaps you are crying because you are still watching Navy Seals? Regardless, I urge you to carry on, because the end title and credits are just moments away. The Navy Seals head to the LZ (that's Landing Zone for those of you who haven't seen Platoon, or the Chuck Norris epic The Delta Force) and appear to be home free. But HAHAH....Shaheed strikes! Facing off under water against Sheen, which turns out to be the stupidest 'who can hold his breath longest' fight sequence, followed by a knife to the throat that doesn't produce an ounce of blood? See I was surprised too. Middle Eastern men don't bleed. If anything you have to give credit to Navy Seals meticulous attention to detail.

After the battle the remaining Seals float wounded on the surface of the Medittereanean as a submarine surfaces nearby and thankfully....we fade to black....either from the end of the movie, or passing out from trauma. Either way we are now safe. Watching Navy Seals is like eyeing an individual lining up to kick you in the crotch while wearing a steel toed boot with a giant spike on it. Lot's of wincing, some tears, and 113 minutes of terror.

Hamlin Grade: 3

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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