The early 1980's... a Renaissance that included, sky-rocketing gas prices, hostages in Iran, the assassination of a rock star, and 3-D Cinematic Technology! Yes, the 80's brought us face to face with the big screen through the clever use of multiple cameras, and cardboard bi-focals. The 1983 epic,Jaws III, was the flagship movie of this footnote in Hollywood history (although one could argue that it was The Amityville Horror in 3D...or perhaps Metal Storm). 3D technology was in a way, the 1980's equivalent to CGI. By blinding the viewer with over the top, in your face camera shots, you would almost be stunned, and miss that fact that there is no story, acting, direction of special effects. Almost be stunned.

Jaws III, embraces one of Bad Movie Knights most sacred laws...Guttenberg's Principle. In a vain effort to keep the Jaws movie franchise alive, Director Joe Alves was unable to enlist any of the original cast from Jaws, or Jaws 2. Not even Lorraine Gary?! Holy shit, I could get that woman to wash my car right now she is so desperate. So, Jaws III, appears on the big screen, with familiar characters, but essentially a clean slate.....with plenty of room to deposit a giant shit.

Jaws III, is set in a Sea World amusement park, where we are re-united with the sons of Amityville Police Chief Brody, Mike and Sean. Mike is played by Dennis Quaid, his brother Sean....by blah blah blah. Jaws III also stars the lovely Bess Armstrong, who plays Dr. Kathryn Morgan, a marine biologist of sorts, dolphin / killer whale trainer and provider of sweet donkey style love for Mike Brody. The Director of Sea World, Mr. Calvin Bouchard is portrayed by the great Louis Gosset Jr. He is a charming, and personable man, unless he happens to be talking to his nephew (who works for him at the park), whom he berates and scolds throughout the movie for no reason. The lovely Lea Thompson also appears as Sean Brody's love interest Kelly Ann Bukowski, who by day is a Sea World water skiier and by night a total bar whore....bless her.

Everything is status quo at Sea World, the dolphins are happy, the entertainers are practicing, and the newest attraction, Jonah's Underwater Kingdom is about to debut (a huge under the sea facility that brings you face to face with marine animals and your DOOM), absolutely free to the public as part of the "Family Week" promotion (little does the public realize that under the fine print of "Family Week", you and your family members are required to be ingested by a large shark). Conveniently, Sean, brother of Mike (son of Jor El), arrives for a visit.....isn't it odd, that whenever these assholes get together, mother nature throws an aquatic anomoly at them that they barely escape from, but manages to slaughter everyone else within 5 mile radius? And why Mike, after watching several people die on a beach as a young boy by a shark, then seeing several of your friends as a teenager meet the same demise, why would you pursue a career in underwater engineering? Do you hate yourself that much? That is like having a train pulled on you in a prison shower and then moving in with Fletch.

So, while the grand opening and family reunion are taking place, one of Mike Brody's employees, Shelby Overman goes missing. However, we the viewer witnessed him getting mauled by the shark as he was underwater welding a patch on a sea gate. This was also a treat in the theatre, as you got to see the poor workers severed arm slowly float towards you in 3D. One of the many 'in your face' shots that you will soon be bludgeoned with. Of course, Brody's employee, Shelby Overman prior to getting eaten, enjoyed the ladies......much more than his live in, waitress girlfriend preferred. Selfish bitch that she is, throws Overman's belongings at Brody and tells him she's through with his sexual escapades. Unbeknowst to her, Overman never came to work. UH OH. He's dead bitch! So, Mike and Kathryn take a scuba tour of the park in an effort to find Oberman's body, who they assume is dead. During their adventure they are attacked by a great white! Luckily, Kathryn using her 'telepathic powers' summons a school of fish! Actually she calls her friends the dolphins who help them narrowly escape!

Calvin Bouchard who is entertaining his guests, among whom include his friend the famous wildlife photographer and adventurer Philip FitzRoyce, and his sidekick of questionable sexuality, Jack Tate, receives word of the shark's attack and presence. Coaxed into capturing rather than killing the beast by Kathryn and FitzRoyce, Bouchard plans to promote the shark as an attraction to reap untold fortunes. The capture goes off without a hitch, and the shark is secured.....holding a great white in captivity for an extended period of time is a daunting task, as any underwater carpenter that works with Fletch would tell you. Bouchard, asshole that he is, rushes the fish to a public display tank without the knowledge of Kathryn, and she, and many Sea World patrons watch as the great white perishes.

No time for tears folks, as Shelby Overman has surfaced! Well at least part of him has. Overman's remains are brought to a med lab of sorts, and he is briefly examined by Mike and Kathryn. Some of Bess Armstrong's best acting can be seen here. I'm just fucking with you. She attempts to show shock and dismay, and then she and Mike run to the underwater restaurant where Bouchard is enjoying a lovely dinner with FitzRoyce. The pair arrive and explain that Overman was killed by the captive great white shark's mother. Bouchard, unconvinced, slaps Kathryn across the face, tears open her shirt and reveals her creamy, alabaster breasts and proceeds to massage....oh wait....I mean he states that it would be impossible for the mother to have killed Overman. Kathryn explains that the shark that killed Oberman had a bite that was roughly a yard across....to which FitzRoyce pipes in with "That would indicate a shark of some 35 feet in length". Bouchard is finally sold with Kathryn's famous line:

"Overman was killed inside the park. The baby was caught inside the park. It's mother is inside the park!"

Is it Kathryn? Is it really? Well Bouchard doesn't need to take her word for hit, because just outside the undersea restaurant, the mother great white appears in all her 3D glory! Rampaging through the park, she collides with Jonah's Undersea Kingdom, which begins to flood and trap a few dozen Sea World patrons. Thankfully the Star Trek doors close in time, and leave them in a Poseidon Adventure style scenario. Mike Brody, underwater engineer that he is, can fix the underwater attraction, but not until the shark is trapped. FitzRoyce (who is actually the coolest mother fucker in this movie, kind of an underwater James Bond) and Tate, by using themselves as bait, will lure the mother shark into the filtration system and cage her till Brody is done with his repairs. FitzRoyce succeeds in bringing the shark to its new holding cell, but his escape line breaks, and he is swallowed whole....with grenade in hand (remember this for later, very important). However before he can use it, he is crushed inside.

With the shark trapped, Brody begins his repairs on the underwater facility. Bouchard, yelling at his nephew once again, instructs him to shut down the filtration system so the shark will suffocate. His plan backfires, as the shark, using its tail motion is able to bend steel.....yeah. The great white is free.......at this point if you were watching this movie in a theater in New York you would be bombarded with a cacophony of "Brody, he's coming to get you!" and "Don't you hear the music Mother Fucker!". Luckily for Brody, Kathryn arrives to give him support, just as the shark arrives. Brody has conveniently finished his repairs and the Sea World patrons are free to escape in a slow and orderly fashion.

Brody and Kathryn elude the shark by entering the diving hatch to the main control room (conveniently located under the water), and are assisted by Bouchard, and his nephew (fresh off a scolding)....and catch their breath while exchanging platitudes. Cut to a Slo-Mo 3D Freeze Frame as Brody, Kathryn, Bouchard, Nephew, and some inconsequential control room bitch stare out the main viewing window and see the shark cruising right at them. The shark explodes right through the view port and instantly floods the control room. Bouchard swims to freedom with the now unconcious control room bitch, while his nephew is snatched by the shark and crunched to death. This is one of the most spectacular death scenes in the Jaws franchise. The guy playing the nephew provides the perfect underwater audio to supplement the grinding and crunching sound effects that are superbly layed over the footage of a dummy being eaten alive. Brilliant. This makes the movie. Worth rewinding and playing again!

The Shark is so big (35 feet long as indicated by FitzRoyce earlier) that it can only fit its head through the window so it thrashes back and forth in an attempt to grab Brody and Kathryn who have put their scuba gear back on and proceed to evade it. Brody and Kathryn look in the giant sharks mouth and see the lifeless form of FitzRoyce within, still clutching a hand grenade (also referred to as 'Nose Bombs', by Jack Tate....'Nose Bombs Sonny!'). Hmmmm....is there a plan developing? Yep. Using a long metal pole, Brody manages to free the pin from the grenade as Kathryn distracts the shark by swimming over its' head. Instant Chum....and in 3D mind you. The explosion echoes the original Jaws, but is less dramatic, other than the actual jaws of the shark ending up front and center in 3D....however on regular TV, it just looks retarded.

Jaws III, without the 3D is essentially a complete disaster. The movie was produced to take full advantage of that breakthrough technology, and without it is like watching Silkwood without that hot radiation bath sequence with the old nekkid broad. It does however have some positives. Lea Thompson who provides the love interest for Sean Brody, is scantily clad throughout...whether it be skinny dipping in her wears, or tiny bikinis on the water ski team......very nice. And the nephew getting killed. Yeah that's it, after this movie is like watching roadkill decay. What's more amazing is that they actually made Jaws : The Revenge, following this mess. Oh yeah, one more positive. Lorraine Gary isn't in this one!

Hamlin Grade:1

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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