« August 2006 |
| October 2006 »
The early 1980's... a Renaissance that included, sky-rocketing gas prices, hostages in Iran, the assassination of a rock star, and 3-D Cinematic Technology! Yes, the 80's brought us face to face with the big screen through the clever use of multiple cameras, and cardboard bi-focals. The 1983 epic,Jaws III, was the flagship movie of this footnote in Hollywood history (although one could argue that it was The Amityville Horror in 3D...or perhaps Metal Storm). 3D technology was in a way, the 1980's equivalent to CGI. By blinding the viewer with over the top, in your face camera shots, you would almost be stunned, and miss that fact that there is no story, acting, direction of special effects. Almost be stunned.
Jaws III, embraces one of Bad Movie Knights most sacred laws...Guttenberg's Principle. In a vain effort to keep the Jaws movie franchise alive, Director Joe Alves was unable to enlist any of the original cast from Jaws, or Jaws 2. Not even Lorraine Gary?! Holy shit, I could get that woman to wash my car right now she is so desperate. So, Jaws III, appears on the big screen, with familiar characters, but essentially a clean slate.....with plenty of room to deposit a giant shit.
Jaws III, is set in a Sea World amusement park, where we are re-united with the sons of Amityville Police Chief Brody, Mike and Sean. Mike is played by Dennis Quaid, his brother Sean....by blah blah blah. Jaws III also stars the lovely Bess Armstrong, who plays Dr. Kathryn Morgan, a marine biologist of sorts, dolphin / killer whale trainer and provider of sweet donkey style love for Mike Brody. The Director of Sea World, Mr. Calvin Bouchard is portrayed by the great Louis Gosset Jr. He is a charming, and personable man, unless he happens to be talking to his nephew (who works for him at the park), whom he berates and scolds throughout the movie for no reason. The lovely Lea Thompson also appears as Sean Brody's love interest Kelly Ann Bukowski, who by day is a Sea World water skiier and by night a total bar whore....bless her.
Everything is status quo at Sea World, the dolphins are happy, the entertainers are practicing, and the newest attraction, Jonah's Underwater Kingdom is about to debut (a huge under the sea facility that brings you face to face with marine animals and your DOOM), absolutely free to the public as part of the "Family Week" promotion (little does the public realize that under the fine print of "Family Week", you and your family members are required to be ingested by a large shark). Conveniently, Sean, brother of Mike (son of Jor El), arrives for a visit.....isn't it odd, that whenever these assholes get together, mother nature throws an aquatic anomoly at them that they barely escape from, but manages to slaughter everyone else within 5 mile radius? And why Mike, after watching several people die on a beach as a young boy by a shark, then seeing several of your friends as a teenager meet the same demise, why would you pursue a career in underwater engineering? Do you hate yourself that much? That is like having a train pulled on you in a prison shower and then moving in with Fletch.
So, while the grand opening and family reunion are taking place, one of Mike Brody's employees, Shelby Overman goes missing. However, we the viewer witnessed him getting mauled by the shark as he was underwater welding a patch on a sea gate. This was also a treat in the theatre, as you got to see the poor workers severed arm slowly float towards you in 3D. One of the many 'in your face' shots that you will soon be bludgeoned with. Of course, Brody's employee, Shelby Overman prior to getting eaten, enjoyed the ladies......much more than his live in, waitress girlfriend preferred. Selfish bitch that she is, throws Overman's belongings at Brody and tells him she's through with his sexual escapades. Unbeknowst to her, Overman never came to work. UH OH. He's dead bitch! So, Mike and Kathryn take a scuba tour of the park in an effort to find Oberman's body, who they assume is dead. During their adventure they are attacked by a great white! Luckily, Kathryn using her 'telepathic powers' summons a school of fish! Actually she calls her friends the dolphins who help them narrowly escape!
Calvin Bouchard who is entertaining his guests, among whom include his friend the famous wildlife photographer and adventurer Philip FitzRoyce, and his sidekick of questionable sexuality, Jack Tate, receives word of the shark's attack and presence. Coaxed into capturing rather than killing the beast by Kathryn and FitzRoyce, Bouchard plans to promote the shark as an attraction to reap untold fortunes. The capture goes off without a hitch, and the shark is secured.....holding a great white in captivity for an extended period of time is a daunting task, as any underwater carpenter that works with Fletch would tell you. Bouchard, asshole that he is, rushes the fish to a public display tank without the knowledge of Kathryn, and she, and many Sea World patrons watch as the great white perishes.
No time for tears folks, as Shelby Overman has surfaced! Well at least part of him has. Overman's remains are brought to a med lab of sorts, and he is briefly examined by Mike and Kathryn. Some of Bess Armstrong's best acting can be seen here. I'm just fucking with you. She attempts to show shock and dismay, and then she and Mike run to the underwater restaurant where Bouchard is enjoying a lovely dinner with FitzRoyce. The pair arrive and explain that Overman was killed by the captive great white shark's mother. Bouchard, unconvinced, slaps Kathryn across the face, tears open her shirt and reveals her creamy, alabaster breasts and proceeds to massage....oh wait....I mean he states that it would be impossible for the mother to have killed Overman. Kathryn explains that the shark that killed Oberman had a bite that was roughly a yard across....to which FitzRoyce pipes in with "That would indicate a shark of some 35 feet in length". Bouchard is finally sold with Kathryn's famous line:
"Overman was killed inside the park. The baby was caught inside the park. It's mother is inside the park!"
Is it Kathryn? Is it really? Well Bouchard doesn't need to take her word for hit, because just outside the undersea restaurant, the mother great white appears in all her 3D glory! Rampaging through the park, she collides with Jonah's Undersea Kingdom, which begins to flood and trap a few dozen Sea World patrons. Thankfully the Star Trek doors close in time, and leave them in a Poseidon Adventure style scenario. Mike Brody, underwater engineer that he is, can fix the underwater attraction, but not until the shark is trapped. FitzRoyce (who is actually the coolest mother fucker in this movie, kind of an underwater James Bond) and Tate, by using themselves as bait, will lure the mother shark into the filtration system and cage her till Brody is done with his repairs. FitzRoyce succeeds in bringing the shark to its new holding cell, but his escape line breaks, and he is swallowed whole....with grenade in hand (remember this for later, very important). However before he can use it, he is crushed inside.
With the shark trapped, Brody begins his repairs on the underwater facility. Bouchard, yelling at his nephew once again, instructs him to shut down the filtration system so the shark will suffocate. His plan backfires, as the shark, using its tail motion is able to bend steel.....yeah. The great white is free.......at this point if you were watching this movie in a theater in New York you would be bombarded with a cacophony of "Brody, he's coming to get you!" and "Don't you hear the music Mother Fucker!". Luckily for Brody, Kathryn arrives to give him support, just as the shark arrives. Brody has conveniently finished his repairs and the Sea World patrons are free to escape in a slow and orderly fashion.
Brody and Kathryn elude the shark by entering the diving hatch to the main control room (conveniently located under the water), and are assisted by Bouchard, and his nephew (fresh off a scolding)....and catch their breath while exchanging platitudes. Cut to a Slo-Mo 3D Freeze Frame as Brody, Kathryn, Bouchard, Nephew, and some inconsequential control room bitch stare out the main viewing window and see the shark cruising right at them. The shark explodes right through the view port and instantly floods the control room. Bouchard swims to freedom with the now unconcious control room bitch, while his nephew is snatched by the shark and crunched to death. This is one of the most spectacular death scenes in the Jaws franchise. The guy playing the nephew provides the perfect underwater audio to supplement the grinding and crunching sound effects that are superbly layed over the footage of a dummy being eaten alive. Brilliant. This makes the movie. Worth rewinding and playing again!
The Shark is so big (35 feet long as indicated by FitzRoyce earlier) that it can only fit its head through the window so it thrashes back and forth in an attempt to grab Brody and Kathryn who have put their scuba gear back on and proceed to evade it. Brody and Kathryn look in the giant sharks mouth and see the lifeless form of FitzRoyce within, still clutching a hand grenade (also referred to as 'Nose Bombs', by Jack Tate....'Nose Bombs Sonny!'). Hmmmm....is there a plan developing? Yep. Using a long metal pole, Brody manages to free the pin from the grenade as Kathryn distracts the shark by swimming over its' head. Instant Chum....and in 3D mind you. The explosion echoes the original Jaws, but is less dramatic, other than the actual jaws of the shark ending up front and center in 3D....however on regular TV, it just looks retarded.
Jaws III, without the 3D is essentially a complete disaster. The movie was produced to take full advantage of that breakthrough technology, and without it is like watching Silkwood without that hot radiation bath sequence with the old nekkid broad. It does however have some positives. Lea Thompson who provides the love interest for Sean Brody, is scantily clad throughout...whether it be skinny dipping in her wears, or tiny bikinis on the water ski team......very nice. And the nephew getting killed. Yeah that's it, after this movie is like watching roadkill decay. What's more amazing is that they actually made Jaws : The Revenge, following this mess. Oh yeah, one more positive. Lorraine Gary isn't in this one!
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
The great Harry Hamlin fell this week....after only 3 episodes of Dancing with the Stars. Damn you ABC. Damn you Dancing with the Stars. This is the beginning of the end of your network!
Nobody disrespects Hamlin! NOBODY!
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
Comic Book the Movie produced, directed, and starring Mark Hamill! No, no, I know you think you're prepared, but I'm quite positive this film is worse then you could imagine. Mr. Hamill creates a mockumentary revealing the world of comic book enthusiasts. This world was nothing new to me for I have had first hand experience. Five years ago I found myself at the country's second largest comic book convention. Funny thing is, I don't even like comic books. You see, when I was a young lad my older brother would beat me mercilessly if I touched his comic book collection, and as a result, to this day if I see a super hero drawn or on film I flinch. Sick Bastard.
Now, for those of you who don't know anything about conventions for such enthusiasts, it's quite an eye opener. I felt like I was walking through a Dali painting, except instead of melting watches littering the landscape, there were super heroes and John Lennon look-a-likes in their place. Oh, did I forgot to mention that the hotel I was staying in was playing host to a Beatles convention? The hotel I was staying in was playing host to a Beatles convention. After being trapped in a conversation for three hours, where I learned more then anyone should know about the Green Lantern, I'd then have to turn around and navigate the Yellow Submarine! I wish I was making this up.
It looks as though Mark Hamill was not looking forward to the boredom created from his yearly trip to San Diego's Comic Con and decided to bring a couple of digital cameras to occupy his mind. Comic Book The Movie is the end result. Mr. Hamill plays Donald Swan, who is the world's leading authority on the comic book character, Captain Courage. Like every other comic book in the last five years, Captain Courage is now being developed into a movie. Donald Swan has been hired as a technical adviser for the production that will bring his beloved Captain Courage to the masses. Comic Book the Movie documents Swans efforts to keep Hollywood from twisting the integrity of his hero.
It appears that Mr. Hamill called in a few favors, (although why anyone owes Mark Hamill any favors is beyond me) as evidenced by cameos from Kevin Smith, Stan Lee, Hugh Hefner, Donna D'errico, and the great Bruce Campbell. Unfortunately, no amount of celebrity names could save this catastrophe. It's shot on cheap digital which leads me to wonder why this movie feels like Hamill couldn't edit one second of footage. Quite possibly the longest 107 minutes of my life. Comic Book the Movie is a ridiculously poor attempt at improv performance in the style of Christopher Guest. The sad thing is that having survived the ludicrous circus that is a comic book convention, this movie had a lot of potential to be hysterical. The funniest line comes from a big haired rocker, "My band is playing next week, we're called Supine . . .Yeah were a Warrant tribute band!" Thank you ladies and gentlemen, that's all you're going to get. If you want to learn more about the subculture that is the freak show at these conventions, go see Trekies. You'll thank me later.
Fletch is a killing word!
Kill me. Please.
Quentin Tarantino is a great director, but let's face facts here. Even George Lucas had Howard the Duck. Am I saying KIll Bill, Volume 1 is as bad as Howard the Duck? No my friends. Kill Bill, Volume 1 was much, much worse.
For the record, I'm going to refer to this movie as Kill Bill. Yes I know it was a two parter, and Kill Bill, Volume 2 was not to be perceived as a sequel, but rather a contiuation of this rather long, excrutiating, hot, steaming, dump of a story. This review for the most part however, covers Kill Bill, Volume 1, because frankly, Volume 2 was so uninteresting, bland and tedious that I would rather play in traffic than relive that nightmare through essay.
Many of you right now are thinking that I'm not a fan of his work. This couldn't be further from the truth. I thoroughly enjoyed Pulp Fiction. I thought Reservoir Dogs and True Romance were also brilliant films (although I've heard Reservoir Dogs was pillaged from an old Asian film), and I even found From Dusk til' Dawn entertaining.
While Tarantino has always been a student of film, borrowing ideas, camera shots, action sequences, and even whole stories, Kill Bill is nothing more than a blatant rape of every Bruce Lee movie ever made. Perhaps it may viewed as a tribute to the great martial artists legacy, but it's hard for me to see it as anything other than Tarantino not being able to create an original concept of his own.
Kill Bill like many of Tarantino's movies is not told in sequential order and is loaded with flash backs. We meet the Bride, played by Uma Thurman. I am still baffled to this day how Hollywood has deemed her a sex symbol. She is anything but. In fact she is butt. I digress. The Bride's wedding is interrupted by Bill and his gang of bad asses who slaughter the entire wedding party, and complete the ceremony with a bullet to her head. This sets the stage for this revenge plot that will later follow the framework already layed by Bruce Lee's last movie, the 1978 Game of Death.
We later find the Bride, comatose in a hospital bed. Darryl Hannah, Tarantino's latest reclamation project arrives on the scene in the form of a nurse....or rather impersonating a nurse. Hannah plays Elle Driver, and like John Travolta as Vincent Vega in Pulp Fiction, has signed on as attempt to jump start her career....which has been on life-support for over a decade (I can only assume that Lorraine Gary of Jaws: The Revenge is waiting by the telephone for Tarantino to call). Unlike Travolta however, these days, Darryl Hannah is virtually unrecognizable. Yes the eye patch she wears during Kill Bill does conceal her identity to an extent, but not as much as the plastic surgery that has altered her once mermaid like features. One can only surmise that her doctor was Bob Villa, and he treated her cheek bones like Home Depot's economy priced faux marble tile while resurfacing a half bathroom on the set of 'This Old House'. Women should just try and age gracefully rather than have some cocaine enhanced Beverly Hills surgeon mine their faces with a pick axe.
I have digressed again. Nurse Driver, while in the process of assassinating the Bride with some cocktail in a needle receives a call from Bill, instructing her to abort the assassination. She leaves, and hours later, during an attempted rape by one of the orderlie's pals, the Bride awakes from her coma, and the revenge plot commences.
She cuts a path through Bill's posse, beginning with Vivica Fox who plays Vernita Green, and is cleverly codenamed after some type of snake (this theme is carried out through all of Bill's death squad). The Bride and Green have a wonderful knife fight in a living room beautifully furnished by Crate and Barrel, and proceed to the kitchen where they share a cup of coffee and compare ovary size. Green attempts to blind side her with 'the old pistol through the frosted flakes trick', but misses like Han Solo in Star Wars, and ends up with a knife in her sternum brilliantly deposited from a toss by the Bride. NEXT!
After receiving some information from Green, up next is a trip to Japan, where she will get the perfect weapon in which she may continue her 'Game of Death' revenge plot. Who should fashion this sword for her? None other than martial arts legend Sonny Chiba. I figure from all the ideas and storylines Tarantino has stolen from him the least he could do was offer him this throw away role. Chiba plays Hattori Hanzo, who is apparently the Boston Market of sword making (I have no idea what that analogy means, but I'm running with it) and his blades are coveted among Bill's elite cadre. After the bride tells Hanzo her tale of woe, he agrees to fashion her a new sword. YAY! Let's return to ripping off Bruce Lee.
Not only is the story ripped from Lee's movies, but Uma now sports a replica of the jumpsuit he wore in Game of Death. Tarantino having pillaged that movie enough, turns to the Chinese Connection and re-enacts the scene where Bruce Lee fights an entire dojo. The Bride in this scene battles O-Ren Ishii's gang of bad guys. The Crazy 88's. Essentially a group of men dressed like Kato from The Green Hornet television series. Yet another Bruce Lee project and character. Shifting to black and white for no reason (perhaps to recieve an 'R' rating rather than a 'NC17', although some assholes would call this creative license), the Bride dispatches the gang, and proceeds up the stairs kung fu video game style to fight O-Ren Ishii in a setting ripped from another of Bruce Lee's movies (I'm pretty sure it's Chinese Connection, but it could have been Fists of Fury, at this point Tarantino has left no stone unturned)....a Japanese garden, complete with falling snow, and a fountain. The momentum shifts back and forth and the Bride and Ishii exchange blows, till the Bride finally gets the upper hand and scalps Ishii. Tarantino takes a break from raping Bruce Lee, and steals the hissing blood spray in the wind from the classic Lone Wolf and Cub also known as Shogun Assassin.
The movie ends abrubtly with Sophie (Ishii's right hand woman) being left for dead, but alive enough to give Bill the details of the battle, and pass on the threats relayed to her by the Bride. Tarantino could have save time by just cutting sequences from all of Bruce Lee's flicks, and cgi-mapping Uma's giant alien head onto his body, similiar to how the filmakers of Kung Pow: Enter the Fist did. While the action sequences in this film were cool, my biggest problem with this movie, is that none of it is Tarantino's. Kill Bill is the regurgitation of several other movies, ground up, and mixed into a new movie, with new packaging, and a new title. The second part, or continuation of Kill Bill, Volume 1, is Kill Bill, Volume 2, which was obviously the more boring half of this extended story, and watching it is like trying to take one those uncooperative shits after an all nighter of binge drinking and buffalo wing eating.
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
See Kill Bill, Volume 1.
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
Every now and again lightning strikes. And when it strikes, if you're very lucky, you survive. And if you survive, you may even be granted supernatural powers, or short of that, you may be worshipped for your survival. Such was the case for Francis Ford Coppola in 1972, when he came out with The Godfather. Truly the best film he's ever made, before or since. Now some of you are going to argue that II was his masterpiece, and that's an argument for another time. Outside of those two movies I defy you to find something that even comes close. Apocalypse Now? Please. Go back and watch Apocalypse Now Redux and see what he would have done had he had more control over the editorial process. I love Peggy Sue Got Married, but we're in a whole new arena with that film.
So lightning struck twice. And Coppola not only survived, he was revered. And he was revered for a sequel! Name me a handful of sequels that were equal to or better than the original. I defy you! And yet I empathize with the man. It must be very difficult to reach your zenith fairly early in your career and then to spend the rest of your career seeking similar success. To put it in sporting terms, it must be like going to the Super Bowl early in your career and then never getting to the big show again. Take our friend Dan Marino. In his 16 year career, (and the number 16 seems to be magical, keep it in mind for later) Marino only got there once, in his second year, and then spent the rest of his time trying to get back to the big show. That's gotta leave a mark. Imagine how Coppola must have felt having two early successes, two more than Marino would ever have, and then to ever be in search of a third. Ouch!
So I understand what must be an intense urge for Coppola to revisit his former conquests, but going for three?! No, no, no! Someone should have stopped him. 16 years later he decided to go back to the Corleone family and what a disaster. There's that number, 16 again. Why is it so familiar, and what does it have to do with our present situation? Good question, glad you asked. Coppola isn't the only one to have made that mistake. Let's visit some other famous examples, shall we?
China Town is one of the best films ever made, certainly on my top twenty list. Hey, let's make a sequel! But wait a minute, let's not rush into it, let's wait 16 years to think it over and then produce The Two Jakes. Yah. China Town's not your favorite? Okay, I'll suspend my disbelief. How about the Star Wars trilogy? How can you not love those three movies? I understand that Return of the Jedi was a bit of a let-down after The Empire Strikes Back, but they are still some of the most entertaining movies out there. Fast forward 16 years and we come across The Phantom Menace. A world-wide sigh is still effecting weather patterns and causing global warming.
Ah, but perhaps you are still looking for a review of this movie. I've got nothing for you. This movie was such an incredible let-down from the first two that I can't even begin to compare them. Just watch I and II. Never dishonor the memory of those two movies or that of the Corleone family by watching III. And never wait 16 years to follow up another accomplishment. If it's taken that long it's not going to happen, and like Dan Marino, you should just hang it up.
"I'm sick of these motherfuck'n snakes on this motherfuck'n plane!" Yes, I thought it was long overdue to review the latest champion of bad movies in Snakes on a Plane. This movie delivers on what it's selling! You're going to see snakes wreak havoc on a motherfuck'n plane! What else would anyone want when purchasing tickets for a movie called Snakes on a Plane? There are Snakes on a frick'n Plane for god's sake! This could have gone the over the top campy route, with it's matter of fact title, but instead it stuck to the Bad Movie format; keep it simple, bad and fun. Easier said than done. It's a fine line to walk and brilliant when it is executed in this way. First of all it doesn't get hung up with, or waste too much time with the hows and the whys. Action! Dirt-biker sees murder! Action! Crime-boss wants to eliminate dirt-biking witness who is now under the protective custody of Samuel L. boarding a plane. Snake action on a plane!
Another point is an age-old trick of bad movies, character development of characters you really don't care about and would rather see meet a grizzly death. S.o.a.P. does this and more! Sure this movie kills off a few of those unsavory characters, but it doesn't hold back at throwing unknowns into harms way. Practically an entire plane full of people we didn't want to know, we'll never actually get to know, but we do get to enjoy the pleasure of their collective demise. There are several other examples of how this film follows the classic bad movie format, but the last I will mention is this: if you're going to have sex during a movie called Snakes on a Plane, you're going to die. If you're going to have sex while simultaneously joining the mile high club, you're not only going to die, your going to get bit on the titty! Sweet snake on a titty! This is just one of many creative ways the snakes get it on (my favorite involved an annoying punting sized little dog . . . priceless!) Once you see it I don't think you'll ever get sick of those motherfuck'n snakes on that motherfuck'n plane!
Hamlin Grade: 6.5
Fletch is a killing word!
For many months now, we have utilized a scientific method of grading our bad movies known only as the Hamlin Scale. Named after the brilliant Harry Hamlin, The Hamlin Scale is a simple 1 to 10 grading system. A Hamlin grade of 1, would be a truly shitty film. A Hamlin grade of 10, well, also would be a truly shitty film, but one of unmatched calibre.
But what do we do when a picture is not deserving of the brand of Hamlin? Giving 0 Hamlins, doesn't seem to do the picture in question true justice. That is why today we introduce The Berry.
The Berry, is named after the personification of bad acting, Halle Berry. Yes she won an Oscar for her portrayal of something in some movie, but when was the last time anyone can remember the Academy having credibility? Certainly not after that award. Calling Halle Berry best actress is like saying O.J. Simpson, and Robert Blake are innocent.
So when you read a review on Bad Movie Knights, and under the Hamlin score you see this:
You know that this film has been Berry'd. Any film receiving this mark should be viewed with extreme caution. Remember, we are trained professionals here, and many of the movies you read about on Bad Movie Knights should not be watched at home.
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
How the fuck did this gem survive our wrath for so long? Navy Seals. Talk about a film made for Bad Movie Knights. Navy Seals is a bad movie that attempts to celebrate the Navy's Elite fighting force, by combining virtually no story, non-existent direction, amazingly bad casting, and special effects that outright blew. This film does less to inspire and honor the Seal Teams than George W. Bush does to honor the Presidency.
Let's talk about the cast. Michael Biehn, the founding father of being Biehn Screened, returns to the big screen for the 200th time as a soldier, this time as Lt. James Curran. He is also re-united with his Terminator cast mates Bill Paxton who plays Dane (Paxton was the blue haired punk in the beginning of Terminator who faced off against a naked Schwarzenegger) and Rick Rossovich as Leary (Rossovich who is best know for his portrayal of Slider in Top Gun, was the courageous lad in Terminator who was dating Sarah Connor's roomate and went toe to toe clad only in his briefs in a marvelous bedroom fight scene). Rounding out the Navy Seal team is once again terrificly cast Charlie Sheen as Lt. Dale Hawkins, and Dennis Haysbert as Chief Billy Graham. There is also Cyril O'Reilly who plays Rexer. He is essentially the red shirt equivalent of a Star Trek Away Team, set up to be killed in this film.
Like any bad movie about an elite military unit, this one breaks no new ground as they are assigned to rescue a group of American hostages being held captive in....anyone? anyone? you guessed it the Middle East (what ever happened to Swiss or Icelandic terrorists...they really don't get the credit they deserve these days)...but UH OH, this rescue mission yields some interesting intelligence as the Seals discover stinger missiles. Stinger missiles as you already know, much like the AK-47 assault rifle are the prefered weapon of the Middle Eastern terrorist as they are very mobile, hand held, and heat seeking which makes them very versatile when it comes to taking out American targets.....like planes. I could have copied and pasted this plot from just about any military based movie to save time.
Let's meet the team! Charlie Sheen plays Hawkins, who is the rogue, care free, hot under the collar, action seeking, adrenyline craving, authority resisting, order refusing, sex having, jeep jumping out of, bar room fighting, over drinking, one line delivering, prostitute propositioning, cocaine using, risk taking, unreliable unless under fire taking, golf playing, fast driving, plane parachuting from, grenade tossing, pistol whipping, heckler and koch brandishing, too much camo make-up wearing, over acting, always hungover, waking up on the beach in the surf kind of asshole every branch of the armed services is looking for. Biehn, plays his superior Curran, and is the complete opposite of Hawkins and does everything in his limited acting abilities to test the limits of Sheens very limited acting abilities.
After the successful rescue operation the Navy Seals attend the wedding of Chief Graham (played by Dennis Haysbert of T.V.'s 24, and the Allstate Commercials...he also had a sweet run on Buck Rogers as the helmsman of the Searcher), which is conveniently interrupted by their beepers going off and the entire team and the Chief leaving the ceremony. Yeah that would win you points with the In-Laws.
The team has already made themselves a nemesis in the form of Ben Shaheed...standard terrorist asshole...nothing new, just a mixture of then and current stereotypes so as not to confuse an audience already baffled as to why the fuck they are watching this flying piece of cow shit. After several incursions Hawkins reckless antics eventually get the better of him and his team, and the Chief is killed. This leads to the typical military funeral, almost wife crying (I often wonder if she's upset that she lost her fiance, or that she doesn't get an American flag because they never technically got married....heartbreaking...truly), 21 gun salute, missing man formation blah blah blah, you son is buried in a field along with hundreds of thousands of other poor men sent to their doom....or having had to work with Sheen. Perhaps death is a more attractive alternative.
The funeral is followed by a little drinking, a little bar fighting, some Biehn on Sheen action that involves the standard 'Sheen argument with his superior' scene which he uses in every movie, and finalizes said confrontation with his textbook 'HUH' (You can see the same seen in Wall Street when he barks at his dad after his Blue Star Airlines deal goes south)! What follows is some brooding, a little love/contemplation montage and then we are back on track.
Once again the Navy Seals return to the Middle East. This movie is like a 12 round boxing match. The Seals must have built up a ridiculous amount of frequent flyer miles traveling to and from the Middle East on a weekly basis, it may have made more sense to get a couple of rooms at the Baghdad Hilton and plan their operations from there. However, now back in the crown jewel of the Northern Hemisphere, they finally succeed in taking out their adversary Shaheed's munitions and several hundred of his merry men (I exaggerate slightly, but there are so many of these guys, they are almost as replaceable as Stormtroopers.). Of course this mission does see the Navy Seals lose two more of their teammates. Rexer, the useless, fill in the blanks guy that was cast to die in this film as I stated earlier, and their sniper played by Bill Paxton. It's difficult not to get choked up about losing these characters for which you have invested so much emotionally.....or perhaps you are crying because you are still watching Navy Seals? Regardless, I urge you to carry on, because the end title and credits are just moments away. The Navy Seals head to the LZ (that's Landing Zone for those of you who haven't seen Platoon, or the Chuck Norris epic The Delta Force) and appear to be home free. But HAHAH....Shaheed strikes! Facing off under water against Sheen, which turns out to be the stupidest 'who can hold his breath longest' fight sequence, followed by a knife to the throat that doesn't produce an ounce of blood? See I was surprised too. Middle Eastern men don't bleed. If anything you have to give credit to Navy Seals meticulous attention to detail.
After the battle the remaining Seals float wounded on the surface of the Medittereanean as a submarine surfaces nearby and thankfully....we fade to black....either from the end of the movie, or passing out from trauma. Either way we are now safe. Watching Navy Seals is like eyeing an individual lining up to kick you in the crotch while wearing a steel toed boot with a giant spike on it. Lot's of wincing, some tears, and 113 minutes of terror.
Hamlin Grade: 3
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
Actors and actresses often get type-casted. Some spend years trying to break out a mold from which they were forced to conform. Others, embrace the comfort of their pre-determined role, and thrive. Actors that choose this path, have been Biehn Screened.
The glossary term Beihn Screened, is named after the not so versatile Michael Biehn, who for more than three decades has brought us an onslaught of characters to the big screen. The one common thread that binds these characters is that they are all soldiers. Take a breath, and pack a lunch.
In 1983, Mr. Biehn first got his feet wet in the on-screen military in The Lords of Discipline as a cadet in a West Point type setting. One year later, he gave us Kyle Reese, in the 1984 classic, The Terminator....Reese as you know was a futuristic soldier who served in the 132nd under Perry (it may have been the 134th, but give me a fucking break). Keeping the streak alive, Michael Biehn, returned as Colonial Marine Cpl. Dwayne Hicks in the 1985 thriller Aliens. Taking a few years to reflect, Biehn rebounded hard in 1989, starring as Navy Seal, Lt. Hiram Coffey in The Abyss. He also sported a magnificent regulation moustache that would have made Tom Selleck weep. In 1990 he was obviously the first choice for a movie that was specifically catered to his acting strenghts....Navy Seals! Navy Seals saw Biehn portrayed as one of the Navy's elite frogmen, this time as Lt. James Curran. Mr. Biehn reprised his role as future soldier Kyle Reese in the 1991 sequel to The Terminator, Terminator 2: Judgement Day. Sadly his scenes were left on the cutting room floor never to be seen till the re-release on the Directors Cut version of the DVD. In 1996, Biehn returned as Reese one last time for the Universal Theme Park 3-D experience T2 3-D: Battle Across Time. 1996 was a busy year, as Michael Biehn came back as the role he was meant to play for the third time. A Navy Seal. This time he co-starred as Seal Team Commander Anderson in The Rock.
Not since Tom Cruise, and Kevin Costner have we seen an actor embrace a specific kind of character and ride it like a donkey till its balls fell off. When an actor cannot let go of a role, they, and you have been Biehn Screened.
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
What better way to honor one of the greatest tragedies ever to befall the United States of America than by having Michael Bay create a gigantic rotting cock pile of a film that is more tragic than the previously mentioned historic event. Pearl Harbor, a day that will live in infamy.......Pearl Harbor the movie is a day that I would like to forget.
Let me start off by stroking master director Michael Bay, by saying that Pearl Harbor does offer probably the most realistic, and I would assume accurate portrayal of that awful day ever seen on the big screen. The effects are spectacular, the camera shots visually stunning, the sound and action that are created are nothing short of awe-inspiring.
That is where the greatness of this movie ends like two lesbian douchebags driving a convertible off of a desert cliff. This 15 to 20 minutes or excellence is bookended by what only could be called a Lifetime for Women special. Michael Bay does a wonderful job getting in touch with his feminine side and weaves a wonderful, heartfelt journey of three individuals caught in the grips of a love triangle. Ben Affleck, Josh Hartnett, and total piece of ass Kate Beckingsale are the players in this forced, chemistry lacking, often uncomfortable, and totally unbelievable scenario. Here it is in a nutsack. Ben and Kate meet, fall in love. Ben signs up for duty in England (Allow me to interject here briefly....if you have managed to score Kate Beckingsale, who is probably the hottest chick in Hollywood, what man in his right mind would rather travel to England and play war with a bunch of drunk, toothless, Braveheart rejects (I spotted 1), than stay in Hawaii, and make sweet sweet donkey style love 25 hours a day to her? Exactly.). Apparently gets killed. Best friend Josh, consoles Kate, they both fall in love and start banging. Ben returns, having not been killed contrary to previous reports and finds his best friend nailing his chick. This marvelous love story is painted like a masterpiece with World War 2 as it's backdrop. Touching. Michael Bay's feminine side was obviously high octaned raped by a horde of rabid walrus's wearing cowboy hats.
Alec Baldwin's character had a cunt hair's chance of being cool, but the dialogue between him and his two boys Ben, and Josh, was so layered in sexual undertones, that his coolness was incinerated. Yes they are good pilots, and yes you want to bang them.....enough already! Perhaps this was Michael Bay's underlying and second love triangle that subliminally transformed Pearl Harbor into Broke Back Harbor....or Pearl Necklace Harbor....or Sam Jackson's favorite....Fags on a Plane.
Aside from the action sequences, John Voigt's portrayal of F.D.R is perhaps the only bright spot in this movie. Although his chin piece didn't seem to fit when he turned his head, and caused it to wrinkle like a poorly manicured tit stuffed with silicone, his casting was probably the best in the film. What Dan Akroyd was doing in this flaming hemmoroid as an intelligence officer is beyond understanding. In fact, trying to understand this movie will give you a headache. Imagine if Spielberg tried crafting a love tale within Schindler's List? Inappropriate perhaps....fucking stupid...for sure.
If you do decide to submit yourself to this torture, I must recommend two things. First make sure you are alone, and no one catches you viewing it. Fletch has still not let up on me for not only watching it, but having purchased this venereal disease of a film. Fletch as you know, is a cock. Secondly, hit the chapter list, and skip right to the battle sequence. Once the bombing run is over, turn off the movie, induce vomiting, and take a shower. Discard the dvd and try to find the means to forgive yourself.
Hamlin Grade: 2
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
When did Oliver Stone lose his mind? Really, when was it? Was it during JFK, or was he always crazy? I'd like to blame Costner, he should be blamed for many things, but I can't hold him responsible for Oliver Stone's body of work. And I must admit that I have never been a big fan of Ollie, but in recent years I actually think he might have slipped over the edge. 1999's Any Given Sunday certainly doesn't do anything to dispel that notion.
Let's start with the premise, shall we? A football team, the Miami Sharks, are in disarray. The former owner has died and left control to his young daughter, the coach is old school and can't relate to his new generation of players, and he loses two quarterbacks on two successive plays. He's got old players who are in danger of being permanently crippled if they continue to play, an unscrupulous doctor, prima donnas threatening to usurp the coach's authority and selfish stars who only want their bonuses. Sound familiar? It should. This movie falls somewhere between Jerry Maguire and North Dallas Forty, but doesn't approach either in quality. And yet the storyline isn't the movie's downfall.
And how can it be? For the first half (and an extremely long half it is as the movie clocks in at two hours and thirty five minutes) this is not so much a movie as a sports music video. Every attempt has been made to make the movie enticing through the soundtrack. I can't even get down on the script as there is so little dialogue. But even this is not really the movie's downfall.
Let's get down to where Stone has really lost it; casting. Now he's always had this problem, just look at the fact that he cast Charlie Sheen as the star of both Platoon and Wall Street, but here he seems to have gone out of his way to screw things up. The old coach (Tony D'Amato) is played by Al Pacino. Is anybody buying this guy as a coach of a professional football team let alone a former player? Then we have Dennis Quaid playing the star quarterback, Jack 'Cap' Rooney. Right. I don't believe the NFL has a senior league. Jaime Foxx plays Willie Beamen, the replacement quarterback...of pee wee football maybe. Then there's Cameron Diaz as Christina Pagniacci, the new owner and GM. Ah, hah, hah! Who is buying this? The only casting he gets right is Ann-Margret as Margaret Pagniacci, Cameron's boozehound mother. I'll also give a nod to Elizabeth Berkley who has found her niche as a high class hooker showing off some tasty ta-tas. But there's not even enough of that, just two lonely pairs of breasts and one big black locker room cock.
But does that prove that he's lost his mind? Perhaps not. But does that prove that he's lost his mind?
Perhaps not. I'm not about to go out and rent textbooks on psychology for this, but let's look at the facts: How about a player who loses his eyeball on the field? He doesn't just get poked in the eye, it's actually ripped out of the socket and rolling around out on the field, roots and all. Still no? How about opponents with such lame names as the Americans, Rhinos, Knights and Crusaders? Need more? How about trotting Charlton Heston out as the football Commissioner? You're still not convinced that Stone has lost it? I think that should be enough, but there's something so much lamer going on here. Oliver Stone is actually trying to teach us something with this movie through the metaphor of Gladiators. Yes my friends, Gladiators. There are references all over the place including lengthy scenes from that old chestnut, Ben Hur.
Amazingly bad movie, but don't walk away as the credits are rolling or you will miss an entire scene. Not bloopers, not a little comic scene, an entire scene with exposition and plot points and everything. And gosh darn it, you just might miss some important lesson from Oliver.
Hamlin Grade: 1.5
Big Daddy Yum Yum
Growing up, there were few movies I hated more than Young Guns. The only ones that actually come to mind are "Even Cowgirls Get the Blues" and "Clash of the Titans." Young Guns was such a monumentally bad movie that I dreaded viewing it again. I mentioned this to a couple of buddies of mine and they went off on me. "What are you talking about, Young Guns is a Great Movie!" "That scene where they're tripping in the desert, hilarious!" All right, it's been almost twenty years since I saw the film, perhaps my memory is not what it should be. Heck, let's give it a go.
Opening credits: Estevez, Sutherland, Diamond Phillips, Sheen. Wow! You'd be hard pressed to come up with a line-up for which I would have more loathing, but I remind myself to view the movie afresh and see if I can't enjoy it a bit more this go around. Besides, it does also feature Terrance Stamp and Jack Palance, two of the best bad guys in moviedom. And then it happens; Emilio Estevez makes his first appearance and the bile begins to rise in my throat. Why this unnatural hatred for Emilio? And not just Emilio, I hate both of Martin Sheen's acting sons. Pat purported that Halle Berry was the worst actor ever, but I assure you, these two are well beneath her. And then I became curious, which one did I actually hate more? Almost without exception, I've hated every performance ever created by either Emilio or Charlie, but here I had a chance to see them side by side. Ladies and Gentlemen, there is no longer any doubt in my mind that I hate Estevez the most. Not even close.
Estevez plays Billy the Kid, a ne'er-do-well in the old west, but good old John Tunstall (Terrance Stamp playing a rare good guy in this movie), takes him under his wing and puts him up at his dude ranch for the reformation of bad boys. They’re all bad, but they’ve all got a specialty. This device should never be used in a movie again. You know what I’m talking about, a group of people thrown together who are feeling each other out for the first time and showing off their special skills. “My specialty is knives.” “I can control the weather.” Yawn. Let’s start killing these boys off already.
Jack Palance (Lawrence G. Murphy) is the big wig in town and he’s trying to run Terrance out of the territory. He eventually manages to ambush and kill Terrance with all of the boys looking on, and they immediately turn to thoughts of revenge. They’re going to do it legally, however, in respect of their late mentor, so they all get themselves deputized. But just in case you weren’t sure, Billy the Kid is still very naughty and he’s more interested in killing than arresting. The next thing you know, the boys are the ones with a bounty on their heads.
At about this point in the story, we are treated to the only bright spot in the movie. Brian Keith shows up as Buckshot Roberts, a bounty hunter out to bring in the boys. Alas, his appearance is all too brief and he only manages to kill off Sheen before his own demise. With just a few precautions I’m quite sure he could at least have knocked off Sutherland and Diamond Phillips. Killing Estevez was too much to hope for.
Having lost their de facto leader, the rest of the boys are at a loss as what to do. That can only mean one thing; it’s time to head out into the desert and eat some peyote! That ought to give them a clear answer. They do so and the scene is even more ridiculous and out of place than I remember, which can only mean one thing; BMK readers, my friends are idiots.
We reach an inevitable showdown with the boys barricaded in a house completely surrounded by the whole town supported by the cavalry. These guys sure do have some good aim, but for one thing only; panes of glass. Every shot hits a window, but then I believe they replaced every single pane during every break in the movie, because the glass shattering just never ends. Truly ridiculous.
I just want my money back. Brian Keith earns this film one Hamlin for killing Sheen.
Hamlin Grade: 1
Big Daddy Yum Yum
Why Platoon? I know it won an Oscar in 1987 for Best Picture and Best Director, and most of the cast was nominated for Best Supporting Actor, and it probably is to date, the most honest and best movie portrayal of Vietnam ever. Why is it a bad movie then? Because it made Vietnam look like fun.
Bear with me. Yes the threat of dying is all around you, but at the same time, your job is essentially to throw on some cool ass camoflage, lock and load, and go hiking. Granted the weather may be a little hot, but, you have a cantene full of water, and all the cigarettes you could possibly want. The pros are still outweighing the cons as far as i'm concerned here. Let's take a look at the good and the bad of being in Vietnam according to Platoon.
• Getting killed.
• Gardner talking about his girlfriend Lucy Jean.
• Having to tote Gardner's 300 pound dead body miles through the jungle.
• Watching Sandy and Sal get blown to pieces and then seeing Sandy walk out of said trap armless.
• The humidity.
• Finding Manny strung up to a tree with his throat slit.
• Having your leg blown off by a poorly tossed grenade from Red.
• Ants on your neck.
• Cleaning latrines with King because he stole beers.
• Nothing but Pork K-Rations, and having to listen to Junior complain about having nothing but Pork K-Rations.
• Getting so stoned that you don't mind dancing with a bunch of shirtless men.
• Listening to Taylor talk about his grandmother.
• Being called a cheese dick...because its hurtful.
• Having Barnes give you beauty mark under the eye with that cool little knife of his.
• Bunny talking about the Indy 500.
• Bunny discussing the finer points of Red Neck Noise.
• Playing cards with Red and Barnes.
• Gardner getting killed right after he's done talking about Lucy Jean.
• Drinking Kentucky windage with LT.
• Choosing between two barricks....one that offers all manners of alcohol, and the Head.....a den of marijuana.
• Praying with Rodriguez to his shrine, which according to the Lietenant, is 'quite a shrine'.
• Having Bunny offer you fragments of aluminum torn from beer cans with his mouth.
• Doing the village, doing the whole fucking village.
• Watching that fucking head come apart.
• Barnes ending a speech with 'I shit you not'.
• Feeling good, which is good enough.
• Smoking pot through an AR-15 and not getting your head blown off.
• Making the one-legger dance.
• Watching Red beg for R&R and hearing Barnes tell Red 'We all gotta die some day'.
• Enjoying Johnny Depp's performance and knowing he's going to be as big as C. Thomas Howell some day.
• Barnes dressing down the 'pot heads'.
• Adrien Brody
Hmmmm....after going over the list it appears the bad does outweigh the good. Don't I feel like the fucking asshole. Disregard everything I said earlier, going to Vietnam would probably not be fun. Platoon however, as tragic as the subject matter is that it covers, is probably one of the funniest movies ever made. Loaded with some of the most memorable lines (much like many of the bad movies on Bad Movie Knights), Platoon is a staple on any Bad Movie Night. Granted it is not often viewed (because we've all seen it so many times we can recite it verbatim), but Platoon's spirit is ever present when the Knights gather round the flat screen.
Hamlin Grade: 6
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
Due to Samuel L. Jackson's recent success in Snakes On A Plane, I thought it would be a good idea to review one of his earlier efforts. I feel that Mr. Jackson first embraced the concept of celebrating bad movies in 2003's Formula 51. The year is 1970 and Elmo McElroy (Samuel L. Jackson) has just graduated with a pharmaceutical degree. Driving from the ceremony, still in his cap and gown, McElroy decides to celebrate by lighting up a big fat joint (you know "marijuana"...I hear the kids love it.) Darn the luck, no sooner have the herbs taken effect, but a police car pulls him over. Massive amounts of smoke billowing out of his car, McElroy knows he's busted and asks for mercy, informing the officer that being found guilty of possession of an illegal substance would render his hard earned degree useless. This gives the cop some pause as he takes one of the joints and lights it up! McElroy, elated that he has found a reefer friendly officer who has just inhaled copious amounts of cannabis, reaches for the joint. The pass is unsuccessful as the cop deliberately drops the peace offering and utters the fateful words "The 60's are over. Man."
Fast forward to preset day; McElroy has been forced to apply his genius to producing designer drugs for a crime boss named The Lizard. Oh, did I mention The Lizard is played by Meat Loaf! Samuel L. vs. Meat Loaf! Sounds like the title match of the century! I assure you the match up does not disappoint. McElroy has had enough with working for The Lizard and takes off for bloody old England where he hopes to make the drug deal that will allow him to live in luxury for the rest of his days. Here he teams up with Robert Carlyle of Trainspotting fame. Remember that salty, sawed-off bloke named Begbie? That's him, and he is just as amusing in this film with such gems as "We can still go to France. It's not too far, it's full of pricks and they hate Yanks as well!" This campy action comedy has everything from Jackson taking out a group of skinheads with his golf clubs to Jackson feeding a group of skinheads extreme E-lax to make them shit their pants! Alright, it doesn't have everything, but it shows a lot of skinhead abuse which is always funny. They’re really just about the only group left that it’s okay for everyone to hate. Oh, and Samuel L. sports a kilt throughout the entire movie.
Formula 51 is not truly a bad movie. It doesn't take itself seriously and for that reason it's refreshing. The storyline and characters are so random and strange it somehow works. The production is of a high caliber and for that matter so is the acting. For all of these reasons I can not give Formula 51 a high Hamlin score. So why am I celebrating it as a bad movie? The only way I can say it is that it's not a good movie and it seems everyone involved in making this picture really enjoyed that fact.
Hamlin Grade: 4.5
Fletch is a killing word!
What do you get when you cross an arrogant asshole rockstar, a former piece of ass turned Jenny Craig fat farm experiment, and the finest moustache man-kind has ever seen? Runaway! No this is not a recommendation to flee in terror, Runaway is in fact the title of this Casting Directors dream project.
Set in the future, Runaway stars the versatile Tom Selleck as Sgt. Jack Ramsey, head of the Runaway Task Force for the Police Department. This Division is tasked with locating and disabling 'runaway' robots....robots who have malfunctioned and gone berserk. Utilizing state of the art body armor, and simple hand held phasers, Ramsey and his new partner Officer Karen Thompson (played by Cynthia Rhodes of Dirty Dancing and Staying Alive fame) take on these mechanical perpetrators.
Ramsey and his partner arrive at a crime in progress where a robot has gone mad, acquired a gun, and began shooting up the family which it was serving. Ramsey enters the premises to save the baby which is still alive in the back bedroom. Utilizing his high tech equipment, and the most breathtaking facial hair on the planet (present day or in the future), he fells the robot with several well placed laser blasts. Little does Ramsey know, that he has stumbled onto a much larger conspiracy.
Enter Dr. Charles Luther, played by Gene Simmons of KISS. Luther is a maniacal genius, with a highly technical background. Enlisting some geeks, he produces a high tech computer chip, that when implanted into any ordinary robot, will cause the machine to behave in a less than benevolent manner especially towards humans. Once the chips are complete, he offs his computer savvy partners so he may reap the benefits alone.
After some clever detective work, and handome moustache styling, Ramsey is lead to a high rise building where a runaway sentry robot has trapped a young lady by the name of Jackie Rogers (played by the then hot Kirstie Alley). Ramsey using his myriad of skills, quickly disables the sentry with a well placed office chair to its head (this also upsets the human security guard very much, who almost shares the same grief the Rancor Keeper did in Return of the Jedi, after Luke dispatched his giant pet). Ramsey begins to help Ms. Rogers up, when her purse spills open and reveals a bevy of computer chips, along with the templates to make more. More than enough to bring young Jackie down to the station for an all inclusive strip search!
Ms. Rogers reluctantly begins to hemorrage the details of her boyfriend, Luther's plans. This of course brings all involved into the crosshairs of the very angry Luther. Luther throws an arsenal of high tech robots and gadgetry at Ramsey and is beautifully sculpted lip mullet, which included heat seeking bullets, high speed parkway enabled car bombs, acid spitting mechanical spiders, and of course some of the most memorable bad guy lines ever displayed on screen, conveniently listed for you below:
"Drop the gun Asshole."
"You're probably wondering how I did that?"
"You're right Ramsey, I've tapped into the video cameras!"
"That wasn't very nice Ramsey!"
Now earlier in the movie, when we first meet Ramsey, his introductory mission along with his new partner, requires a helicopter ride to a farm. We discover that Ramsey has vertigo and is deathly afraid of heights. At the time this seems inconsequential, however, little did we know that Ramsey would have to face off against Luther on top of an uncompleted skyscraper in an effort to save his kidnapped son (I didn't mention this kid earlier, because he is an annoying little douche throughout the feature, but thankfully his career was stopped cold in 1996 and is hopefully laying in an abandoned building surrounded by his own feces right now). Ramsey manages to overcome his fear of heights and subdue the evil Luther through some acrobatic construction elevator fighting and then toss him to the street below where he is dispatched by his own acid throwing spiders.
There is the possibility of another Bad Movie Knights Glossary term here. Like many evil doers, who appear dead after the hero has been taken them down, Luther rises to shock us all! In his case he does nothing more than give us a look at something he might do on stage at a KISS concert, where many bad guys would rise for round 2 or 3, even with massive amounts trauma......but nonetheless, this is a cinematic device often used in the realm of the bad movie, and one which I think needs a monicker. I propose we call it the "Runaway", unless someone comes up with something better.
Runaway overall is a bad movie, with great some great effects, moderately bad acting, a seasoning of uneccessary breasts, and as I said earlier, some of the most memorable one-liners in Hollywood....many of which are the mainstay of our very own Bad Move Night extravaganzas. Until then...make yours Runaway!
Hamlin Grade: 6
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
For those of you that don't know already, The Patron Saint of Bad Movie Knights, our own Harry Hamlin has resurrected himself professionally and will be appearing on ABC's Dancing with the Stars. So competitive and driven is Mr. Hamlin, that he has postponed the shooting of Clash of the Titans II : Return of the Kracken to compete in this celebrity road side disaster.
This season's dancers (much like last seasons, and the season prior to that) resemble the cast of No Retreat No Surrender, in that most, if not all, have been chewed up and spit out by Hollywood, and plunged into a life of mediocrity. I say most, because our own Mr. Hamlin is anything but forgotten, and that brings me to the culmination of this report my friends! Like most reality shows, this one requires the support of fans, throught telephone voting. I call on all of our Bad Movie Knights, to join forces and propel Harry Hamlin to the top where he belongs! Dancing with the Stars premieres tomorrow night at 8PM.
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
Five dead before the first word is spoken in this movie. Fantastic! Could this be a sign of things to come? Let's hope so. Chow Yun-Fat (John Lee) is a bad-ass killer on some kind of mission. What that mission might be is the crux of this film. We know it's more than just some random nightclub killing spree because just before he starts unloading, he sets a bullet carved with the Chinese characters of death on the table in front of his soon to be victims. Let the shooting begin! Everyone has a gun in this movie, and they use said guns with abandon. This is the first of many very public places that will get shot to hell.
Cut to the funeral procession of the son of Chinese mob kingpin, Terrence Wie, played by Kenneth Tsang. Wie is surrounded by his henchmen, including chief bad guy, Michael Kogan, played by Jurgen Prochnow. Stupendous! We've been Beaned! In case there was any doubt about it, Prochnow's mere presence in this film means there can be no happy ending. But what's this? Who's that watching this procession? Why it's none other than Stan 'Zeedo' Zedkov (played by Michael Rooker, he of Rowdy Burns in Days of Thunder fame.) Suddenly this movie has all sorts of bad acting potential.
But let's get back on track here. Lee kills for Wie. Hey, that rhymes! But it doesn't jive. Chow Yun-Fat playing an amoral bad guy? Say it isn't so! It's not. Wie is holding something over Lee's head, namely the lives of his sister and mother back in Shang Hai. But if Lee will kill just one more of his enemies, Wie will set him free forever. With a fresh new funky bullet (really, is there a better calling card for any mobster worth his weight in salt?), Lee heads out for his last mission. Through the scope of his rifle we see that the intended victim is none other than Zeedo himself. Or is it? Lee won't take the shot. Is it because Zeedo's wife and eight year old son are also in the vicinity, or is it because the actual target is the son himself? Wie, you inhumane bastard!!!
Lee knows that you don't let Wie down without some kind of consequence. He rushes to his Buddhist friend, Allan Chan (played by Matrix Keymaker Randall Duk Kim), and gives him some money to hide his family, but this is only a
temporary measure. Lee needs to get back to Shang Hai himself if his family is to have any long term hope of survival. Hmmn, a passport would be useful in a situation like this. Well, I guess it's time to go visit the passport forger. Meg Coburn (Mira Sorvino) supplies the talent for this role. Gee Mira, what kinds of roles should you be taking now that you've won an Oscar? Passport Forger in a sub-par action movie? Yes! They've barely begun the process of producing the passport when a bunch of baddies show up and shoot the place all to hell. The good news is that Meg also has a gun and isn't afraid to use it. And everyone in this movie has one of those special guns that never need reloading. Outstanding!
After being interviewed and released by the police (Oh great! Now they not only have to escape Wie and his henchmen, they have to stay away from the police as well), Meg returns to her shattered home only to find Lee waiting for her. He still needs that passport and he won't take no for an answer. Meg becomes his hostage. Meg also has the best car ever. This thing takes more bullets than Bonnie and Clyde and just keeps running. Did I mention that we shoot up a whole car wash in the process? No? we shoot up a whole car wash in the process. As a result of their second escape, Wie decides it's time to get serious and hire some professional killers. The Replacement Killers! Hee, hee! Nothing made me laugh as much as when they show up on the scene with the slow motion walk towards the camera. Up until now our henchmen have been pretty unremarkable (side note here; for those of you considering going into the henchman business, unless you're Dolph Lundgren, having short platinum blonde hair doesn't make you look bad-ass, it just makes you look expendable), but these two are a sight to behold. From a distance one looks like Howie Long's anemic brother and the other looks like Ben Stiller on steroids. Hey, now that the second guy is getting closer, he kind of looks like...no...could it be...yes! It's Danny Trejo! Hee, hee, we've been Beaned again! Just in case you weren't positive that these two are really bad, after they miss Meg and Lee the first time, they calmly wait around and put a copious amount of bullets into the two cops who arrive on the scene. Evil, evil!
With our replacement killers on board all we need is a new public place to shoot up. How about a busy arcade? No? What about a movie theater? Still not good enough? Perhaps a restaurant will suffice. As I stated earlier, this movie never met a public place that it didn't feel needed more ventilation. And that's my main problem with the movie. Granted, the storyline is thin to begin with, but using the same destructive device over and over again in the same way gets tedious. Mix it up a little bit. Surely they could have found a few different ways to off the 37 characters they kill in this film. I wanted a specially decorated bullet for my own head by the time this movie came to a close.
Hamlin Grade: 3
Big Daddy Yum Yum
How do you prepare your children for World War III? The Red Dawn School of Parenting of course!
Our professional and courteous staff led by our own Principal, Harry Dean Stanton, will teach your children through a variety of proven techniques to better prepare them in case of a Russian invasion. Your children will learn the fundamental principles of The Red Dawn School of Parenting which include:
• Falling off a swingset and not getting picked up
• Drinking Deer Blood 101
• Advanced Radiator Pissing
• Tossing Eagle Scouts through Camp Fires 101
• Homing Beacon Regurgitation
• Turning Tears to Something Else
• Advanced Deer Blood Drinking (Drinking Deer Blood 101 required)
We also provide instruction for parents who wish to give their children that extra edge. Our course syllabus includes:
• Naming Your Children after 200 Year Old Poachers
• Advanced Playground Neglect
• Oral Speaking through Chicken Wire
Classes are filling up now! Don't hesitate! Prepare for the Red Threat by enrolling your kids in the The Red Dawn School of Parenting! Upon graduation all students will receive a radio with a bullet hole in it, and an RPG absolutely FREE!
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
Oh my god it's Richard Grieco! No really, it’s Richard freakin’ Grieco and he's Against the Law! I know, your saying to yourself, “Self, this sounds like the title of a Steven Seagal movie, Fletch must have made some sort of mistake.” No mistake, my friends, it is indeed Richard Grieco, the only actor in the cast of 21 Jump Street to go on to do any work after the show was cancelled. Well, there was Peter DeLuise, but Richard didn't have help from papa.
The minute the first frames of Against The Law catch your eye, you'll be hypnotized. Mr. Grieco (Rex) pulls up to a roadside diner in his red Cadillac convertible with cow skin interior. He then enters the diner, or should I say his hair enters the diner and drags the rest of his body along, for this extraordinary quaff is truly the starring role of the film. It's a foot high flat top styled to the music of Flock of Seagulls, truly a sight to behold! Grieco wears a heavy duster, sheepskin jacket, a button down shirt and a tank top. Remember kids, it's always important to layer in southern California. The waitress at the diner (Jaime Pressly) is obviously wet for the eye-liner wearing Grieco, and offers him a piece of her pie. After an extremely flirtatious exchange involving her pie, she supplies him with an ample amount of whipped cream. This hot, steamy moment is cut short by the entrance of a police officer craving donuts. Grieco gets up and leaves the diner much to the chagrin of the aching waitress.
Just outside the door he lights a cigar and decides to reenter the diner to figuratively slap his glove in the cops face by uttering the words "Are you fast enough" (que the drinking game because this isn't the last time you'll hear these words.) After this declaration, Grieco pulls aside his duster to reveal the hip holster where his trusty six shooter lives. You will notice the leather wrist brace on his shooting hand, apparently this helps his aim? Next your ears will burn as the showdown music begins. This cacophony is clearly a rip-off of the score from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. Then it all clicks! The hip holster, cigar, duster and even a bandana choker! Grieco is the man with no name . . . and a Cadillac! And this is just the opening five minutes! We are also treated to a delightful performance by Nick Mancuso (Under Siege, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory) as Detective John Shepard. Shepard is a heavy smoking boozehound who would rather get lit than get laid (a scene that will have you rolling.) Bad, bad ,bad! It's one of those rare projects where all of the brilliant bad aspects come together to not only entertain, but to mystify, as I hope my description of the opening illustrates. It's Richard Grieco, for god's sake, and he's killing cops for no apparent reason!! If that's not bad movie Shangri-La I don't know what is.
Hamlin Grade: 6.5
Fletch is a killing word!
Must he? Must he? Tensions are running high amongst the Blacks and Asians in Oakland. This is apparent from the get-go as Po Sing (played by Jonkit Lee) is enjoying himself with three of his Asian lovelies at an all black nightclub. Here we are treated to the only breast we will see in the entire movie. Sigh. Quite the bold move, waltzing into your enemies nightclub – that is unless you are well versed in the art of Kung Fu! The fight is on, and it's made all the better because everyone in the damn club knows Kung Fu! This is obviously a mandatory skill if you live in this dangerous city. Check out the brother with the Mod Squad afro. Awesome! There's lots of glass to be broken in this club, and they break every piece of it in the process. Once the last shard is shattered, the club owner appears to break it all up with a few machine guns. Smart move, because everyone in this club is packing.
Poor Po gets out of the bar with his life, but he doesn't last for long. He's found the very next day hanging from a lamppost. His brother, Han Sing (Jet Li), learns of his brother's death while rotting away in a prison in Hong Kong. Check out the No Talking sign written in English in the cafeteria. Nice work there! He must escape to avenge his brother's death. What might be the best way for him to do that? I know, start a fight with the guards. This will cause all of the other guards to enter in riot gear and beat him to a bloody pulp. Say, that didn't seem to work out too well. Never fear, that's only the first step. Next the guards will drag him into a locked cell. From there they will hoist him up on a chain by one leg. Aha! Now he's got them right where he wants them! This is the preferred way to defeat four guards while in prison in Hong Kong! Ridiculous? Yes, but I went along for the ride. It was darn entertaining.
As was the whole film. Han returns to the States and uncovers a plot to shake people down for their waterfront properties so as to build a new football stadium in order to lure the Raiders back to the city. Oh why, why didn't they get Al Davis to make a cameo appearance in this movie? He would've been the best villain ever! We eventually learn that Han's father is part of this plan, as is the leader of the black mob, Isaak O'Day, played by Delroy Lindo. We've been Beaned! Of course, his daughter Trish, played by Aaliyah, wants no part of her father's business. There's supposed to be some kind of Romeo and Juliet/West Side Story thing going on here, but I just don't buy it. There's not a hint of a romantic spark between Han and Trish. They come off more like Brother and Sister. Okay, perhaps First Cousins.
But who cares. All of this is just an excuse for some very imaginative fight sequences. The only time they go wrong is when they get all Matrix on us. The special effects were not needed and only call attention to themselves. And the acting is surprisingly above average. My only complaint is that having teased us so early on, we have no follow up breastisies. I guess they had no time with all of that killing going on. 34 confirmed kills. Say, perhaps this kind of thing could provide a good drinking game; Romeo Must Drink.
Hamlin Grade: 6.5
Big Daddy Yum Yum
Excerpts from a recording of a Warner Brothers production meeting, 1994.
X: Okay, so we have to capitalize on our box office success form Under Siege.
X: You got it. So how can we make it, but make it new and exciting?
Y: Instead of Seagal fighting terrorists on a ship how about . . . like in a skyscraper?
X: How many times do I have to say the words "Die Hard?"
Y: Oh yeah, my bad. Well, how about like on a bus?
Y: Alright, I got it. They take over a train.
Z: A train? Why don't you have them highjack a hand glider?
X: A hand glider, now that would be daring, but let's stick to the train. Yes, a train has possibilities.
Y: Okay, okay, okay, like Seagal is the new cook on a military train and the terrorists take it over to get missiles and stuff, you know 'cause it's a military train.
Z: Did you even see the first movie? It's exactly the same premise. Do you remember Mr. X saying he wanted something 'new.'
X: Yes we're going to have to mix it up a bit team. Come on, let's think outside the box.
Z: (under his breath) We're high jacking a train, we couldn't be anymore inside the box.
X: What's that Z? Speak up?
Z: I was just saying, uh, box, box . . . box! It's a boxcar! No, it's a passenger train and, ahh, Seagal is going on vacation with, with his niece. Yeah, that's it! It gives him a side the audience can relate to, everyone loves a cool uncle.
Y: Totally. Like my Uncle Bob was the best. He took me to Wrestlemania IV and–
X: Yes, yes, I'm sure it was special, but let's try to stay on task here. What is the terrorist's motivation?
Z: (under breath) Terrorist's motivation? Are you kidding me?
X: Your going to have to speak up Z.
Y: I got it! They make a giant train bomb to blow up Washington D.C., you know, because they're terrorists.
X: I like the destruction of the capitol, but it seems a bit too simple.
Z: What is wrong with you people?! My god, why don't you just have them take over the train because they have some 'magical' device that can hack into the government's top- secret computers and cannot be traced as long as they're on the move, hence the train. And wait, even better, once they have hacked into the system they take over a top-secret weapon. Oh let's say a laser beam in space, and threaten to blow up a nuclear reactor that's over a fault line directly beneath the Pentagon. And it's not only going to wipe out D.C., but the entire eastern seaboard unless the government is willing to pay . . . oh I don't know, a billion dollars. You have Seagal team up with someone on the cooking staff so that you can play up on the fact that this ex-Navy SEAL has exceptional culinary skills, because that's important. Really important. His niece is then taken as one of the hostages to heighten the drama. Seagal takes the terrorists out one by one until we reach a climactic ending with huge explosions. Uncle and niece are then reunited. The end! And why don't we go ahead and hire the writers for Bazooka Joe?
X: Love It! I'm not sure why we need other writers though, your stuff is great! Let's get cracking and send this off to our own writers and put this baby to bed!
Z: (sigh) I can't believe I get paid for this.
One year later, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory was released marking the beginning of Steven Seagal's decline as a box office draw.
Hamlin Grade: 4
Fletch is a killing word!