REVIEW: Under Siege
All aboard! For terrorist activities on the high seas, that is! Welcome to Steven Seagal's 1992 classic, Under Siege. Seagal cuts off that sweet ponytail of his to portray Petty Cook Officer Casey Ryback on the USS Missouri. Wait, Seagal a cook? Cooks can't fight. Surprise, surprise, he's not a cook, he's an ex-Navy SEAL who just happens to cook. Right! Seagal's martial arts are pushed to the extreme as he is pitted against the lethal acting skills of Bad Movie Knights poster boy, Gary Busey. If that wasn't enough, add the ham on rye in the form of Tommy Lee Jones. Jones, Busey, Seagal....are you kidding me? I wish I was. With this power trio of over-actors, Under Siege is so wrong it almost seems right. Crazy (Busey) and Nuts (Jones) are pissed off government men who are fed up with rules and regulations and decide to take over a US battleship. Everything is going according to plan except for one little oversight...the cook (Seagal!) Yes my Friends, it's just like Die Hard with one original twist, it's on a ship. Brilliant! Now, let's add a woman's touch to this vessel of testosterone. I'm proud to present Erika Eleniak! Her shinning moment in which she pops out of a cake kicks our Tit Counter into action, and her contributions to this picture make her a candidate for an Ironside Agenda. They may not be real, but they're fantastic!
Although there are many futile attempts at comic relief in this movie, the most amusing line was not intended to provoke laughter. It's a statement uttered by the Admiral after hearing a communication filled with an abundance of gunfire aboard the battleship he knows to be under the control of terrorists. Ready? "There's a lot of trouble aboard that ship." Ya think?
What else can I say about Under Siege? It's a blatant Die Hard rip off which exists solely for the purpose of giving Seagal a stage on which to display his Aikido skills, and a medium in which to expand his theatrical skills to the point where he almost reaches MacGyver proportions. "The Navy, it's not just a job, it's an adventure!" An adventure in mediocrity! Busey, Jones, Seagal! I just like saying that.
Fletch is a killing word!