Stallone week continues with the very rare instance in which this man's ego allows top billing to be shared. In 1997 Sly was ready to collaborate in an off-beat action comedy, and who better to team up with than Kurt Russell. With such memorable roles like Snake Plissken in Escape from New York, and Jack Burton in Big Trouble in Little China, Russell pioneered the wise-cracking tough guys for the Eighties and Nineties. For these reasons, Sly knew that Russell was a safe choice, plus he could bench more than Kurt. He could not, however, get in on with Goldie, due to his diminished testicle size.

Tango and Cash follows the long, familiar line of the buddy cop tradition, like Chips, Night Rider, and Lone Wolf McQuade...Cagney and Lacey. These movies are driven by the chemistry which exists between the two players, and when successful, it's a beautiful thing. But will their chemistry besuccessful? Let's find out, shall we? Ray Tango(Sylvester Stallone) protects and serves the classy west side of town. He's is a high-roller, sharp dresser and has a razor sharp wit. Gabe Cash (Kurt Russell) is the blue collar cop from the east side who smarts like a whip. Both men are the rogue cops of their respective departments, and both are convinced that they are the best detectives in town. Needless to say, they can't stand each other.

All we need is a villain that can be a formidable match for the likes of Sly and Russell. But who, who? How 'bout Jack Palance! Surely he could use the money! Palance can pump life into the most lifeless of scripts and believe me he does. Pallance, the shadowy crime boss, frames Tango and Cash for killing an undercover federal officer. But if he simply wanted them out of the way why didn't he just kill them? Because Pallance is the criminal mastermind rip-off from Bond movies (Holy rip-off! Batman as well!) that must toy with his enemies before destroying them. This provides ample opportunities for good to triumph over evil, and at the end of the day, isn't that what we all really want? Pallance reveals his plans for our intrepid duo to his colleagues, and in the process reveals his true identity as Captain Crazy! He keeps two mice on his desk, respectfully named Tango and Cash. You see criminals respond better with visual aids. Using his mice as props, he demonstrates what is in store for our unsuspecting hero's. The set up is a success and Tango and Cash are arrested and brought into custody.

Director Andrei Konchalovsky went out and rented every trial movie ever made and uses all the old tricks we have seen a million times before. Newspapers splashed across the screen with headlines like "KILLER COPS!?", while voice-overs of news reporters inform us of developments in the trial. Cut between are scenes of the court room and the dramatics that lie within.Throughout all of this, Tango and Cash keep an upbeat attitude, creating comical scenarios of revenge on thosewho have crossed them.

Guilty is the verdict which brings us to the prison section of this movie. Immediately our eyes are assaulted by the completely unnecessary ass shot of the two walking into the showers. We all know Sly loves his body and feels it is selfish not to share with everyone, but Mr. Russell, sir?! I would have loved to hear Stallone convincing Kurt that a nude scene was a good idea and that it would be fun. "Don't feel threatened because my body's so ripped yo. Come on, I know you work out and besides, I've got this bet with Costner yo." Suspect. It's fantastic how the big house doesn't dim their witty repartee. However, their quirky scenes of humor do not quell the other inmates desire to stick a shiv in these cops no mater how light- hearted their comments may be. Amazing how quickly inmates forget about anally raping the new guys when said guys have a Hollywood reputation to protect. (Quick, if you had to anally rape one of them would you pick Sly or Kurt? Ah, hah, hah! You thought about it! You're so gay....Uh, I'd pick Kurt).

If you read the manual for completely predictable story-lines in Hollywood, you know what's coming next. That's right, the miraculous jail break! This dynamic duo avoids guards, violent criminals, dogs, and manages to navigate a ventilation system that nearly chops them to bits with twenty foot long fan blades! But wait there's more! To the roof they go! Here they make a magnificent leap in the dark through pouring rain and grab onto a high tension wire on which they slide away to freedom!

Through all these wacky adventures, this odd couple has managed to put away their differences to work towards a common goal. As a matter of fact, they're Getting along almost too well at this point. Let's add some spice to the mix, shall we, and some eye candy for the fellas. Enter a young Terri Hatcher as Tango's sister, who immediately catches Cash's eye. This puts the much needed friction back between the two crime fighters. (And when I say friction, I mean...oh, never mind. That prison scene was a bit too good.) I mean what's the point of a buddy movie if the buddies get along.

This film sticks to the play-book for the remainder. Spectacular displays of pyrotechnics and clever remarks in between the gun play, until Tango and Cash clear their names. Oh, and by the by, Kurt Russell dresses as a woman at some point...yah!

This movie is great in that it makes no apologies for what it is, a completely generic composite of predictable mediocrity. Stallone's performance makes Russell look like an acting virtuoso and makes Jack Palance look like......Well Jack Palance. After watching this film, you may feel inclined to plagiarize an episode of Growing Pains and sending it off to Hollywood. Who knows, you might strike gold!

Hamlin Grade: 4

Fletch is a killing word!