What better way to end Seagal week than with a look at one of his latest efforts, and thus better determine the growth of this amazing actor and martial artist. Sadly, since his debut in 1988 the only thing that has grown is Seagal's waistline. Holy Shit! I thought Scotty from Star Trek ballooned up, but I think Seagal actually got fatter as this movie progressed. The movie in question? The 2005 epic Today You Die.

To date, Today You Die has got to be the worst movie Seagal has ever done. Although that is arguable. Seagal stars as Harlan Banks, a thief who is attempting to walk the straight and narrow at the behest of his girlfriend, and promises he will only do one more job. Predictably this last job goes south fast, and Banks ends up getting arrested and thrown in jail. All a clever frame up by the architect of the job Max, played by Kevin Tighe (star of and owner of the Double Deuce from Roadhouse!). While in jail, Banks is hunted by some of Max's men, but he manages to make some friends, and orchestrate his escape. Once out, he goes on a one man mission (even though he is receiving help from his friend Treech, played by rap star Ice Kool, I swear I'm not bullshitting you, and some lady cop who works for some corrupt asshole) to fight all the way to exact his revenge on Max.

I could elaborate on the story more, but honestly, watching it once was bad enough, and to detail it for you here would only send me into a seizure. Regardless, the plot while pointless, and perfect for Bad Movie Knights, was not what makes this movie so great! As I said earlier Seagal has grown. Perhaps I didn't make it clear how big the man has gotten. I can only assume when he showed up on set the Director Don E. FauntLeRoy must have felt similiar to Coppola when Brando arrived for the filming of Apocolypse Now (actually FaultLeRoy wishes he could feel like that....no my friend you will direct Seagal movies forever...5 and counting so far)....fat, out of shape, and physically unable to perform. Rumor has it that Brando was so fat, that Coppola had to cut out the fight sequence between him and Sheen at the finale of the film. The reason I make this comparison, is that Seagal doesn't perform any of the fight sequences in this movie. What the fuck is that all about? That's like having a Sharon Stone movie without her vagina hanging out or an Adrien Brody movie where he's not an ugly fuck. Seagal's stunt double engages in all of the fight sequences for the heavy weight star, and the scenes are then peppered with some cleverly edited closeups of Seagal grimacing (probably from gas). I probably wouldn't have taken issue with this had I not noticed it, but let's throw out a few basics when using stunt doubles. First, try and get them to have a similiar hairstyle, and when possible match the color. Second, and this is a biggy, physically, they should appear the same from behind. Not so in Today You Die. Not only is this man 100 pounds lighter, but he is easily a foot taller. It's hard to suspend disbelief when Seagal is suddenly in shape and stretched during a fight and then short and portly seconds after said confrontation.

Also, we know the man looks like Kirstie Alley now.....there's no need to hide it. Unless he is wearing some state of the art girdle that is masking even more tonage, there really is no need to show him in a large leather trench coat throughtout the movie. In the winter, sure...sensible clothing choice, but in the blazing sun of Vegas......yeah not so much. Even after his incarcerration, all of the inmates are sporting the standard blues.....not Seagal....a finely tailored denim overcoat is his fashion statement.

After watching Today You Die my only thought was.....quick take a shower. Actually, I was baffled as to why Seagal was even in this movie. Normally he would be brought in for his trademark Aikido skills but they weren't seen in this movie. So why? His name? Hiring Seagal to be in your movie for name recognition is probably as stupid as casting Adam West in your film to increase box office draw. What kind of jackass would do that?!?

If you are completely bored out of your mind, and don't have a copy of the Accused handy, then by all means, enjoy Today You Die. Not only is it the title of this feature, but perhaps a 'Ring' like prediction of what will happen to you if you view this movie. I can't believe I referenced the Ring.....Naomi Watts you talentless whore!

Hamlin Grade: 2

TImothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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