REVIEW: Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome
"Who runs Barter Town?"
"THE JEWS!" Well that's Mel Gibson's answer as he was yanked screaming from his automobile by Malibu law enforcement officials. "THE JEWS RUN BARTER TOWN!!!"
Mel Gibson has returned to his Road Warrior roots and is once again tearing up the highway! However, this time, Mel's exploits are not being projected on the big screen. Rather than play the Road Warrior, last weekend, after a few pints of grain alcohol, Mel became the Road Warrior, and raced up a Malibu highway till his progress was halted by the local authorities. His patented 'never say die' attitude of course spurred Mel onto victory (and eventual incarcerration) as he fought off the patrol men, with his whiskey laced breath, and a barrage of anti-Jewish proclamations that would have made Hitler cringe! The Road Warrior's nemesis is no longer Lord Humongous......it is the Jewish people (unless Lord Humongous is also Jewish then he would be still be classified as 'the' nemesis).
Mel Gibson returns as Mad Max in the third installment of the Road Warrior trilogy, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. Max finds himself seeking refuge in the desert oasis known as Barter Town (and sporting the worst mullet he's ever worn.....he looked like a Long Island slut from 1987.....the top was actually feathered and frosted). This village has managed to develop it's own electrical power, based on a methane fuel derived from pig shit (the featured ingredient of 98% of the movies on this site!). Although civilized in comparison to the rest of the world's apocolyptic society, Barter Town does hide an evil secret. Everyone is JEWISH! Max wastes little time in upsetting the locals with his brash and often anti-semitic brand of behavior, and is immediatley brought before the Queen and ruler of Barter Town, Aunty Entity (played by vocal artist Tina Turner, who in all honesty is pretty damn good for a first time movie actress and there is something damn sexy about her....in fact my erogenous zones have not been this stimulated since I saw Patrick Swayze doing Tai Chi lakeside....just thinking about Sweet Swayze gives me pause). By avoiding an attempted waylaying, Max thoroughly embarasses Enitiy's henchman, and she reveals that this was merely an audition. Clearly impressed by his....prowess, Entity offers Max a deal.
Shortly we learn that Aunty Entity is not the dominant power of Barter Town, but rather more of a figurehead. The true ruler of Barter Town? You guessed it....THE JEWS! Actually, beneath Barter Town, lies a methane facility called Underworld. Underworld is a combination refinery and pig farm, designed to harvest pig effluence and transform it into the power providing fuel methane. In charge of this futuristic Pier One Imports, is a symbiotic duo known as Master Blaster. Master is a small dwarf-like man, dressed in Samurai armor who rides piggy back (no puns) on the shoulders of Blaster, who is a giant of a man (think Kirstie Allie), fully clad in leather, and armor. (Side Note: apparently in the future after a nuclear war, we will all look like we just pranced out of a gay leather bar. Most of these renegade wasteland types, enjoy the snug fit of treated cow-hide, and the freedom of assless pants...or perhaps this is just how the people of Australia currently dress and it was the most affordable fashion available in downtown Melbourne?) Master is the brains of the pair, and Blaster provides the muscle.
Entity wishes to remove Master Blaster from their power position, by taking out Blaster, and keeping Master to run Underworld according to her direction. This is no easy task, since the rudimentary set of laws that govern Barter Town would create further complications for Entity if she simply killed Blaster. Enter Max. Acting has her silent proxy, Max could accomplish the removal of Blaster, and pave the way for Entity's complete succession of power. Max is once again easily swayed with promises of all the gasoline (pronounced 'GAZ-AH-LEEEEN' down under) he can carry on completion of his mission.
Max learns that defeating Blaster will be no easy task! Any good citizen of Barter Town knows full well, that any dispute must be settled in full accordance with the law. That finally brings us to Thunderdome. A crude dome-shaped structure that symbolizes the true 'justice system' of Barter Town, one reminiscent of the bygone era of Roman Gladiators. After picking a fight with Blaster (at the recommendation of Entity's council), Max finds himself face to face with the living monolith (wow did that sound epic or what!). Both combatants are strapped to bungie cords which suspend them from the apex of the dome as a mutant version of Michael Buffer introduces them to the bloodthirsty crowd (not to break your spirit, but this is the high point of this film, after the Thunderdome sequence, just turn off the movie, because this Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome goes down faster than Monica Lewinsky in the Oval office) and announces the sacred credo of the arena. "Two men enter. One man leaves". Pretty much self explanatory. This fight will be settled the old Navy way....first guy to die...loses (quote from the class Hot Shots Part Deux). Thunderdome participants begin their battle bare handed, but weapons of all varieties are conveniently nestled throughout the dome (spears, giant hammers, staves, chainsaws, Mel's whiskey, etc.) and can be retrieved at any time. Max and Blaster begin hopping around Thunderdome, and exchange blows while suspended in mid-air. Blaster as a seasoned veteran of Thunderdome carries the fight, and easily gets the better of Max (he outweighs Max by at least 100 lbs, this fight is as evenly matched as Mabel King fighting Fletch). While receiving his beat down, Max's dog whistle (I didn't really elaborate on this, but he tested the whistle on Blaster during an earlier encounter in Underworld, and discovered that the big fella's weakness is high pitched sound.....and anti-semitic slurs) is knocked free from his vest as he is pounded to the deck. Scrambling, he retrieves his magical kazoo and plays a light ballad which briefly stuns Blaster. Using the available precious moments, he picks up a discarded sledge hammer, and begins striking Blaster about the face, head, neck, chest, and breast area, while simultaneously blowing his lil' whistle. Blaster is dropped to his knees where Max delivers the final blow, which frees the giant's helmet. Moving in to finish him, Max discovers the identity of Blaster! He's a JEW!! In reality, Blaster is mentally handicapped and while lying incapacitated, offers Max a big smile. Suddenly Max is filled with remorse, and refuses to finish him off, as Master, attempts to protect Blaster with his tiny body. Max exclaims to Entity that this was not part of the deal, exposing the scandalous plot of which she was the architect, and sends Master into a rage. However, Entity's henchman dispatch Blaster with several crossbow bolts to the chest, and remove Master from the arena. Max, by revealing the nature of his assignment, has broken the second cardinal rule of Barter Town. Break a deal. Face the Wheel. Yes, the Wheel, a demented version of the Wheel of Fortune, when spun, offers prizes and rewards, like Death, Anal Rape, banishment to Wisconsin, and Max's eventual reward....the Gulag.
Max is banished to the desert, atop a beast of burden and wearing a Mardis Gras Float head. I can't recommend highly enough that you shut off the movie now, and enjoy what you have just watched. From this point forward, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome will only aggravate you.
Facing certain doom, Max eventually collapses in the desert along with his steed. Luckily a young girl finds him, and carries him back to her village. Max awakens to find himself surrounded by children, but not just any children. JEWS! Just kidding. The village is populated with a group of kids who look as though they were cut from the original Blue Lagoon movie. Oh, and they are all fucking idiots. They think Max is Captain Walker, and continue to refer to him as that, because of some taped radio transmissions or bullshit they may have heard. So these retards have based their entire way of life on the ramblings of some drunk pilot. Their dream is that Captain Walker will take them to Tomorrow Land, which is apparently similiar to the legendary fantasy sex camp once managed by Michael Jackson. This portion of the film is without a doubt the most irritating piece of cinema I've seen since Dakota Fanning in War of the Worlds. Imagine, if you will, 20 Dakota Fannings, screaming and yelling, and have someone repeatedly strike you in the crotch and you will almost reach the level of torture this movie begins to represent.
Upon hearing of Max's travels to Barter Town, a couple of the older children are convinced that this village is Tomorrow Land and begin their passage, against his recommendation. Forced to rescue them, he eventually finds himself back in Barter Town, saving the children, and freeing Master who he joins forces with. Fleeing Barter Town (not before blowing the shit out of Underworld, and Barter Town's power supply), they commandeer a locomotive (what?) and procceed with their escape.
The end of Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome is almost a carbon copy of the highway chase in Road Warrior. It ends with the final showdown of the locomotive being derailed, and Max facing off against Entity. Rather than fight it out, Entity flashes some leg, and ample cleavage at Max, throws a flirtatious line at him, to which he responds with a grin, and she rides off. That's it. What started out with such potential ends up much like Mel did last weekend....incapacitated, subdued and feeling nothing but contempt....however our rage is focused at Mel and the Director of this bad movie, rather than that of an entire culture of people. Nice work Mel. In your next apologetic press release to the Jewish people, may I recommend that you also apologize for this piece of shit bad movie. In fact, while you are at it apologize for Air America, Forever Young, The Man Without a Face, Payback, The Patriot, What Women Want.....and apologize again for Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. Never stop apologizing.
Hamlin Grade: 1.5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,