Last year superstar director Peter Jackson presented us with his dream project, a re-make of the 1933 classic King Kong. Coming off of a successful 5 year campaign that saw the J.R.R. Tolkien, Lord of the Rings novels finally realized on the big screen, Jackson turned to King Kong which became a labor of love. His vision of King Kong for the viewer however, is a labor to watch.

Tipping the Costner-esque chronology scales at a whopping 187 minutes, watching King Kong not only requires a truckload of patience, but also a brown bag lunch, and a catheter to assist in the evacaution of bodily fluids. The movie opens painfully slow, gets moving and then breaks hard into the inevitable climax which arrives with a satisfying sigh of relief.

Setup for a film this historied is almost uneccessary, yet Jackson spends the first hour of the film trying to develop characters and relationships as well as painting a gloomy portrait of the 1930's era in which the Great Depression still loomed. This hour could have been edited down to a palatable 15 minutes en route to Skull Island where the bulk of the movie time should have been focused. This is just not to be however, so we must endure the hardships of young starving actress named Ann Darrow, played by the ultra-irritating Naomi Watts (of The Ring fame...which sucked donkey ass, and The Ring 2, which no one saw...including her), the financial dilemmas of director Carl Denham and ultimately not give a shit about either one...just show us the giant fucking monkey already!

When we do finally arrive at Skull Island, over an hour into King Kong,(which is really the only badge of honor of this film and the only reason to watch it.....you should turn it off as soon as this sequence ends) we are treated to eye candy. Finally! Peter Jackson creates a Skull Island that looks like Jurassic Park on crack! Dinosaurs everywhere, giant insects, and island natives so whack that National Geographic photographers would salivate over. This is where Jackson rocks out with his cock out, and as I said earlier, should have spent more time exploring this world.

Of course Ann Darrow finally comes face to face with Kong, and we get our first view of this magnificent giant. Jackson and his team's vision of Kong is superb. Taking on a much more gorilla like appearance, rather than the dude on loan from the Godzilla set in an ape costume look the previous two movies gave us (did anyone actually sit through King Kong Lives? holy shit what a mess.....and I still hate that Against All Odds hair and beard that Jeff Bridges sported in the first re-make.....the same look Peter Horton of the television series 30 Something still wears....guess what douche-bag...you're 50 Something now, and I'm more famous than you....I digress), this Kong is to date, the most realistic. Using some very cool motion capture of Andy Serkis (the same gentleman who brought us Golem in Lord of the Rings) the folks at Weta Workshop and Weta Digital (who are in my mind doing work that is exceeding the standards set by Industrial Light and Magic) present us with a King Kong that is by far the greatest fantasy creature portrayed in film to date. Not since Jurassic Park have we been delighted with dinosaurs on this scale either. Jackson does take it several steps further, by not only showing the creatures but making them the feature of several major action sequences. The stampeding Brontosaurs sequence was excellent, although a bit goofy in areas, still managed to produce some wildly imaginitive shots. The killer insect scene required an unblinking pair of eyes in order to effectively swallow all of the action provided. Which brings me to the T-Rex versus Kong battle.

Probably one of the most epic confrontations in film next to Jason battling Jean Claude Van Damme in No Retreat No Surrender, the T-Rex / Kong fight is a throw-down of historic proportions (which the dickheads in the original re-make saw fit to remove in favor of a giant python...what the fuck were you thinking?). The outcome of this fight is one that I have had issue with since I was a small boy. I've never made a secret for my love of dinosaurs or of their prehistoric king the Tyrannosaurus Rex. Kong defeating the T-Rex has always been a sore spot for me, and frankly one that has always had me rooting against rather than for the giant simian. Full marks to Peter Jackson for not only including this sequence but stepping it up a notch, or rather two notches. In his version, Kong now faces off against a trio of Tyrannosaurs, which visually is amazing, but pisses me off even further. 3 Tyrannosaurs in my opinion would have little difficulty dispatching Kong. Several times they had their massive jaws wrapped around his shoulder, arm and leg, and he managed to brush off the attacks with little to no effort. Let's say for arguments sake, Kong did kill the Tyrannosaurs (which he did, and it's still total bullshit), those multiple bite wounds would have spelled certain doom for him. Like most present day reptiles, Tyrannosaurs would have not only incredibly strong jaws, but teeth overgrown with bacteria and pathogens, a sympton called sepses. Much like the venom of a snake, but slower acting, septicemia would have set in and eventually subdued Kong within 48 - 72 hours and brought on his inevitable death. So, in fact, Kong would have lost to the Tyrannosaurs. It's science.

Ok so let's suspend disbelief, and continue on. Kong is eventually trapped by Denham and the crew of the Venture with copious amounts of zeal, chloroform, and harsh language....and somehow shipped back to New York City. Kong becomes part of an elaborate musical which Denham creates in order to salvage the loss of his movie footage, and the lives of a dozen and a half men. Kong irritated by an actress imitating Ann Darrow, becomes enraged and breaks free, causing all manner of chaos in the middle of Time Square and truly pissing off Dick Clark (sadly Jackson chose not to visit the Kong versus Dick Clark sequence). Kong rampages around the city picking up random blondes and tossing them aside in a vain search for his love Ann Darrow. This love affair which began on Skull Island (and almost ruined that part of the movie), is more irritating than Naomi Watts talentless attempt at acting.

Finally Darrow appears and she and Kong are reunited so their love can now grow (much like Paul and Chani's love grew in Dune). What better way to express your undying devotion to your giant gorilla and his 20 foot penis than by strolling over to Central Park for some ice skating. Keep your barf bags handy. The only redeeming quality of this scene is when the artillery opens up on them, but sadly they escape unharmed. They flee persecution by climbing Empire State Building where we can rest assured that this asshole will soon be taking a 102 story header onto 5th Avenue and I will be laughing my balls off.

The greatest heros of the movie arrive in the form of a squadron of bi-planes and methodically dive bomb and strafe Kong until his life is finally extinguished. Hanging on to the skyscraper's spire till his last breath, Kong finally falls, much to my amusement, to his death. This movie could have been saved, and spared my wrath had Kong grabbed Naomi Watts and taken her along for the free fall to oblivion, but sadly, this was not to be. Maybe had he been nicer to the family of Tyrannosaurs things would have ended up differently, but Kong's actions deserved the reward he received. Overall King Kong should have been about an hour and 30 minutes long, and by condensing the scenes that currently bookend the Skull Island sequences would have vastly improved this feature. I recommend one finger on the fast forward button throughout your viewing of King Kong. It will vastly improve your movie experience. Adrien Brody is still an ugly fuck.

Hamlin Grade: 3

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