"ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?!?"

Frankly Russell, no. No I'm not. Firstly, you can't act. I don't care how many people this pisses off, but you suck. So fuck you. Secondly, you've been playing the same character since the Quick and the Dead.....or was it Virtuosity....regardless. The Academy felt it necessary to bestow the honor of an Oscar on your performance in Gladiator. This was probably the beginning of the end of credibility for the Academy, which they quickly put an end to by handing out an Oscar to Halle Berry. Are you fucking kidding me? I know the Academy was trying to get cultural, and spotlight black actors that year but in all honesty......when I think of great black performers, my top three is not Sydney Poitier, Denzel Washington and Halle Berry. Well two of those three belong....if I may make a comparison and say that the three best European actors of all time are Anthony Hopkins, Michael Caine, and Jean Claude Van Damme......wouldn't you take issue with that? As you should....because there is no way Hopkins is a better actor than Dolph Lundgren. Ok I've really gone off on a tangent here...so let's bring it back to the asshole of the hour. Russell Crowe.

In Gladiator, we are treated with a period piece, that does offer us a picturesque view of Ancient Rome. Unfortunately, that is where the good in this film comes crashing to a halt. Russell Crowe plays General Maximus, who as the film opens is putting an end to a war against Germania and helping to further extend the Roman Empire for Caesar Marcus Aurelius. Basically inserting footage from Braveheart into the opening 15 minutes, Gladiator really offers us nothing new. In fact, if you remember, Braveheart was the movie that gave us a look at large scale battles.....little did we know, that every movie after that would have to include one of these epic battles... this cinematic device has become more played than showing Jennifer Jason Leigh's tits on screen.

Okay, so Maximus slaughters the Germans, and he and his men return to the tents to wash their hands in rose water, drink wine, eat pork from the bone, and talk politics with the pedophiliac community of the Roman Republic. Maximus is treated to an oral stroking by Marcus Aurelius about how fucking cool he is and asks him to become Rome's next emperor, so he can help ease the transition of rule from a dictatorship, to control by the Republic. Maximus is confused why Marcus Aurelius would not give control of Rome to his son Commudus played by Joaquin Phoenix. Out of curiosity.....why the fuck is there not one Italian actor in this entire film? It's Rome. Have we grown so accustomed to seeing the Romans played by English? I digresss again.....Marcus Aurelius explains to Maximus that is son is a dickhead and would be a major league asshole if he sat on the throne.....thus, making Maximus the choice...because his kung fu is strong.

Following the meeting with Caesar, Maximus is confronted by his daughter Lucilla (who is the sister of Commodus, but that bond does little to deter him from trying to get into her pants for the rest of the film), who flirts with and obviously aches for his...sword. One of the best lines in the movie is presented to us here.....Maximus obviously has little time for this whore, and attempts to dismiss her, but she refuses to let him go....he responds with..."I'm tired....from battle". Brilliant. Try that one the next time your significant other is pissing you off.

Much to Marcus Aurelius's dismay, his son Commodus is not hip to the idea of giving rule to Maximus, so he kills his dad, and assumes command. Maximus, knowing that Commodus has killed the Emperor, plots to expose, him, but Commodus quickly arrests him and orders him executed. Why stop there? Commodus plans to end Maximus bloodline forever, by killing his son and his wife (who apparently moaned like a whore) while he is being executed. Maximus of course escapes his execution and rapidly dispatches 5 or 6 guards. Grabbing an available horse, he rides to his home in a vain effort to save his family.....he arrives to find them crucified and burning on the facade of his palatial estate. He then collapses to the ground and seeks comfort in a coma of exhaustion.

Fortunately for Maximus, the travelling Gladiator circus is in town, and he is quickly absorbed into the fold, made a slave, and a gladiator! WOOO HOOO! This is the Rocky Balboa sequence of Gladiator, as Maximus fights in small arenas at first, until his fame grows and grows and he is finally offered an opportunity to fight at the Colliseum in Rome! YAY! Now Maximus can have his vengeance against Commodus. Of course this part of the movie is where most common day douche bags after the movie would be sitting on their IROC Z-28's in the parking lot saying "Yeah, me and Maximus would have fucked up some shit together", and "Oh hell yeah, we would put a whooping on that bitch Commodus!"....I of course have none of these delusions of grandeur, as I would most likely be the guy in line pissing down my leg, onto the Reebok Pumps of the gentleman behind me.....and later providing a marvelous weapon for said gentleman in the form of a severed hand.

So, the Gladiator returns to Rome. After a marvelous display, along with his fellow warriors, Maximus and the boys get a personal greeting from Emperor Commodus. Maximus is forced to unmask himself, and reveal his true identity to Commodus....who becomes vexxed. Commodus, lacking in sac, does not kill Maximus, for fear of an uprisal by his citizens, so he allows him to live to fight further bouts in the arena. Each fight greater than the last, in both foe, and level of difficulty (sounds like a video game), but each time Maximus is equal to the task....and Commodus becomes vexxed further. He is very vexxed you see.

His vexxation however, knowing no bounds, forces his hand into the arena to face off against Maximus, in an effort to prove to the Roman people that he is greater than the former General. Commodus, man of honor that he is, ensures the fight will be fair by puncturing one of the lungs of Maximus with a small knife. Maximus, is then led, disabled to the floor of the Colliseum. Oxygen, as you know, is not really necessary during a fight, and during a sword battle....there is no need for it at all. In fact blood in the lungs will help keep the combatant from becoming parched, as he or she routinely coughs and lubricates the esophagus. That being said, Maximus beats the ass out of Commodus, and ends his reign with a slow blade to the throat. Obviously a student of Gurney Halleck, trainer of House Atreides from Dune.....Maximus knows full well that the slow blade penetrates the shield.

Following his victory, Maximus collapses and dies, where he is re-united with his retarded kid, and whore moaning wife, in the after-life.....truly touching. When I think of the movie Gladiator, only one word comes to mind. Mistake. No wait, that's Wisconsin. Shit. Well it's Gladiator too now.

Hamlin Grade: 2.5

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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