I knew I wasn't going to give this movie a fair chance when I sat down to watch it, I had pre-judged this film. I knew I was going to hate the bad CGI effects (and they're awful, the kind of awful you find in a video game), I knew I was going to hate the writing (and it's really bad, the kind of bad dialogue and puns the likes of which have not been seen since Adam West graced our television screens), and I knew I was going to hate the directing (just the fight sequences alone are repetitive enough to put you to sleep.) And gosh darn it, that's just not fair! A reviewer has to be impartial at all times. Thus I took steps to correct my biased self.

As the movie started I cracked my first beer. The distraction almost caused me to miss the PG-13 warning: action violence and some sensuality. Sensuality? Since when do we need to be warned about sensuality? Ah, there I go judging again. Concentrate, concentrate. Drink, drink. Argh! The movie starts with a montage and a voiceover! Really?! A flipping voiceover?! Sorry, drink more. After some curious information about cats throughout history, we are dumped in the midst of an unidentified homogeneous city. The kind of city where one end of an alley will lead you to an impossibly chic loft, while the other end will get you held up by the kind of thugs you would expect to find in a city that needs super heroes. Wait a minute, is Catwoman a super hero or a super villain? Gee, I hope this movie answers that question.

Patience Phillips, played by Halle Berry, works for a cosmetics giant, Hedare Beauty. She is a disillusioned artist, making her living by pumping out bad copy for Hedare. Our filmmakers do their best to make Patience appear to be socially inept and awkward, but let's face it, she's played by Halle Berry! I know I'm only on my first beer here, but I'm going to rant a little bit. I thought she did a fine job in Monster's Ball, but give me a break! Of course the racist played by Billy Bob Thornton is going to fall for her; she's Halle freakin' Berry! Let's see Billy Bob fall for Whoopi Goldberg playing that part. Shoot, I need another beer.

Halle takes her pathetic self home with a painting deadline, only to find herself distracted by a cat. She climbs out on a ledge to save this feline and finds herself in danger of falling off herself. Thank god Benjamin Bratt pulls up just then. Benjamin sees Patience out there on that ledge and thinks she's a jumper, so he races to the rescue. How nice these ordinary citizens are in this unknown city. Impossibly beautiful people just waiting to save the day. Drink, drink. Oh, but he's not just any kind of impossibly beautiful citizen, he's an impossibly beautiful cop. His name is Tom Lone. Lone...say, that would be a good last name for a cop that doesn't have a partner, don't you think? Tom saves Patience and asks her for a date as I head to the fridge for another beer.

I come back to find Patience stumbling onto a piece of information which will change her life forever; Hedare is about to put a new facial cream out on the market, a facial cream which will not only slow the effects of aging, but will actually reverse them. But wait, there are side-effects! Why do super villain's products always have side-effects? Don't question, drink. This new cream has side-effects which lead to headaches, nausea and the occasional fainting spell. Later we will also learn that it makes your skin as hard as marble. These side-effects could probably be overlooked except for the fact that if you stop using the cream your skin immediately starts falling apart. Darn the luck, Patience walks into the super-secret lab just as all of this is being explained to the bosses wife, Laurel Hedare, played by Sharon Stone. Sharon Stone! What could possibly go wrong in a movie that features Sharon Stone?! Clumsy Patience knocks over a beaker, and the chase is on. She's eventually flushed out to sea and drowned, only to wash up on shore and be revived by a herd of supernatural cats. Thank god they were in the vicinity. Better go get another beer, I'm beginning to judge again.

Patience comes back to life, but things aren't quite the same. Her senses seem to be heightened and she seems to have a need to make all sorts of cat allusions. Really bad punny allusions. Sorry. Drink, drink. She runs into Tom again and they have a very public one-on-one basketball game in front of a whole schoolyard of high-schoolers. Lots of butt-rubbing and landing on top of one another. I think this is where the sensuality warning was derived from. Patience also starts to be drawn to a better fashion sense which involves leather outfits and scissors. I've always been curious as to where super heroes and villains get their outfits. Drink deeply. She comes up with a halter-top super-outfit which is strangely unsexy. Halle Berry unsexy in next to nothing? Best get another beer.

As I sat down this time, the movie started to get better. Or perhaps I just didn't care anymore. The annoying soundtrack went away, the puns were no longer hurting my ears, and Sharon Stone became...ah, hah, hah! Who am I kidding?! Sharon Stone still sucks as the villain in this movie! I had another couple of beers, but at this point even if I had emptied a bottle of Powers down my gullet, it wouldn't have mattered.

Knights, all I'm saying is that with a little forethought at the liquor store, no movie has to be a complete bust.

Sober- One Hamlin.

Fully Kreusened-three and a half Hamilns.

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