Hey, before we start our film, how about we get a little information about our friend the Anaconda; "They will regurgitate their prey in order to kill and eat again.” Evil, evil! That would really be something to see. I wonder if having said that in the opening moments, they'll think to put it somewhere in the film? No time to ponder that now, however, as we see our first actor, Danny Trejo. We've been Beaned! There's no way the ensuing expedition can go well with Danny making an appearance. In what must be his shortest appearance ever, Trejo doesn't even get to say a word. His boat is under attack, and he only has time to climb to the top of his mast where he shoots himself rather than facing the terror which lies below in the Amazon.

Cut to a film crew boarding another boat ready to start an expedition to seek a long lost Indian tribe known as the people of the mist. Let's meet our crew, shall we? First we have our surly Captain, Mateo, played by Vincent Castellanos. Next, the leader of our expedition, Dr. Steven Cale (Eric Stoltz), and the director of the documentary film, Terri Flores (Jennifer Lopez.) How 'bout a cameraman? Let's use Ice Cube playing Danny Rich. We also need a narrator for the film, Warren Westridge played by Jonathan Hyde. And let's round out the crew by throwing in Owen Wilson as Gary and Kari Wuhrer as Denise. That's it...oh, except for picking up a creepy, stranded passenger on the way, Paul Stone played by Jon Voight.

Eight people in a horror film? There's not many so we're going to have to kill them off judiciously. Let's play a little game I like to call, "Who's Going to be the First to Die?" Instead of just randomly guessing, let's use our noggins and a little thing I like to call the process of elimination. They're not going to kill off Lopez; she is after all, the star of the film. As a matter of fact, I'll just wager a guess that even if only one person makes it to the end, it's her. The same goes with Eric Stoltz. Just a big enough of a name and he's playing our hero. How about Ice Cube? Don't think so. The days of throwing the token brother under the bus straight out of the gate are gone. Jon Voight is also a big name and besides, he's our odds-on favorite for head villain. How about our truly annoying narrator of the film, Warren Westridge? Let's check off the things that he's got going against him: he's English, he's a huge snob, he's brought a bunch of wine aboard to consume by himself and he spends most of the voyage hitting golf balls into a net while everyone else around him works. Sorry, our filmmakers have taken too much effort to make us hate him. He's going to be around for a while. (Side note, he does also have the best line in the movie; "The last time I was in water like this, I spent all night picking leeches off my scrotum." No? Not working for you? Try saying it with an English dialect.) That leaves Owen Wilson (still very much in the beginning of his career, not a name yet), Kari Wuhrer (Kari Who?) and Vincent Castellanos, our brooding Captain. Right now my money's on Kari Who.

Right away Owen expresses his horniness to Kari Who. Ooh, that can't be good in a horror film, perhaps I should reevaluate Owen's chances. Just about this time we have the first sighting of our star and I couldn't be more pleased. The makers of this film have embraced it's preposterous premise and that's a good thing. It promptly devours a black panther. Evil, evil! In our race to see who can get killed first, Owen and Kari Who debark the boat and head into the evening jungle to record night sounds. Night sounds! Ah, hah, hah, hah! Forgetting the first rule of horror, Kari Who expresses her passions to Owen and clothes start coming off. Could I be right? Could Kari Who be the first one to go? Or will she drag Owen down with her? They hear noises in the night and start racing back to the boat. Creepy Jon pops out of nowhere and levels a rifle at them...only to shoot the pursuing boar. Damn! No death yet.

The next day finds our crew stranded, as their boat gets stuck on some unknown something. Our hero Stoltz decides to dive in and cut away whatever nuisance is slowing us down. Swimming in the Amazon. What could go wrong? I'll tell you what could go wrong, getting a deadly underwater wasp to sting you on the inside of your mouth, that's what! Evil, evil! Creepy Jon diagnosis this as soon as we get our hero pulled out of the water. Am I the only one who finds the idea of a deadly underwater wasp ridiculous? Must be, because none of the other crew members give it another thought. Damn! Looks like our hero is going to be the first to go. Wait a minute, Creepy Jon is able to save him with a tracheotomy. Maybe I had this guy figured all wrong. Perhaps he is good after all. At any rate, I'm still in the "Who's Going to be the First to Die?" game.

As a result of the sting, our crew has to abandon their film shoot and head back to civilization for the welfare of our hero. They decide to follow the advice of Creepy Jon who knows a shortcut. Yeah, that sounds like a good plan. Evil, evil! So they follow Creepy Jon up a tributary that is blocked by a crude wooden dam. Damn is right! How will they ever get past this blockade? Don't worry, Creepy Jon has a bunch of dynamite in his backpack. Thanks Creepy Jon! He blows the dam to smithereens, but in the process they are showered with snakes and they lose most of their fuel. Darn the luck. Guess they better just keep pressing on. Say, what do you suppose that dam was for anyway? To keep people out or to keep something in?

Soon after, they come across Trejo's stranded boat and Creepy Jon, Ice Cube and Captain Mateo go off to explore. Oh no, Mateo gets eaten up! Ack! While he was in my top three, I didn't see him going first. Well “Who’s Going to be the First to Die?“ is out of the way now, so at least I can start concentrating on some of the other elements in the movie. Creepy Jon has a dart gun and a bottle of Reptile Tranquilizer serum. Ah, hah, hah! Reptile Tranquilizer serum! It says it right on the bottle! Precious. I wonder what Creepy Jon’s real motives are. It's at about this point in the film that Creepy Jon's dialect starts to bug me, not because it's bad, but because I can't figure it out. Wait a minute...could it be...yes! I've got it! It's equal parts Brando from The Godfather and Pacino from Scarface.
Brilliant!

I won't ruin the whole movie for you, but we finally do get to see that regurgitation trick. And in true horror fashion, this anaconda refuses to die. He's tranquilized, shot, pick-axed, blown up and lit on fire, but he keeps going and going and going. My only regret is that this film allows too many of our crew to survive. Oh, and they almost ruin the movie at the end with a finale that threatens to rival the sappiness of the Ewok party at the end of "The Return of the Jedi." They pull back just in time, and as a result I give this movie a solid seven Hamlins.

Hamlin Grade: 7

Big Daddy Yum Yum