In 1988, Hollywood introduced us to a little known martial artist named Steven Seagal in a movie called Above the Law. Seagal, became famous in the martial arts world, as being the first Westerner to open a dojo in Japan after studying there for years (this could be total bullshit, but it's what I've heard, and rather than deny it's truth, I'm carrying it on like the good Bard that I am) which is briefly touched on in a dramatization during the opening of Above the Law. Seagal presented us with a new style of fighting called Aikido, that is drastically different and sometimes much more brutal than the techniques employed by then martial art stars Jean Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren and William Shatner.

Above the Law follows the exploits of Detective Nico Toscani of the Chicago Police Department. Toscani and ex- CIA operative (a theme that is carried out in almost every Seagal film following this one as a means to explain his extraordinary skills as a fighter, similiar to how Van Damme usually plays characters with ties to Belgium, France or New Orleans to explain his ridiculously thick and uncomprehensible accent) who left the agency after coming to blows with an asshole named Zagon (played by Bad Movie Knights favorite Henry Silva) in Vietnam. He is protected by his friend and the man who recruited him Nelson Fox (played by Chelcie Ross, the star pitcher from Major League, Ed Harris...remember "Hey Bartender, Jobu needs a refill!"). Little did Toscani know that he would one day have to face off against Zagon again.....but as fans of Henry Silva, we knew he would be much more than just a 3 minute cameo in this classic.

While off duty, Nico goes looking for his neice who is apparently a total whore and his shacked up with some drug dealer who lives above a shady downtown bar. In order to gain access to the drug dealer's pad, Detective Toscani, must first pound the ass out of all the bar patrons below.....and pound ass he does. After sufficiently beating down everyone, including his future nephew, the young man begins detailing the plans for a major drug deal that will take place in the meat packing district (no not Tom Cruise's house...that's in L.A).

Nico and his partner Jax (played by Pam Grier) along with most of his department, and the feds intercept the bust which is being orchestrated by Salvano (imagine a Latino Dudley Moore if you will) and discover that this transaction did not involve drugs at all. Buried within an engine block are plastic explosives called C-4, preferred weapon of the enemy,...no wait that's the AK-47 assault rifle. Thanks Clint!

After succesfully busting Salvano and his boys, the Feds intercede and take over the case. Reason being is that Salvano is a mole being used by the FBI to testify against a larger organization. The Feds ask the Chicago Police Force to stand down, and like any good cop Detective Toscani tells them to go fuck themselves. Try that at your job sometime when you disagree with something in a big corporate meeting. I assure you it will go over well.

Waging a one man war against Salvano, the Feds, and the CIA, Toscani faces all manner of obstacles which eventually bring about his arrest, and suspension from the force. His family (his wife is played by a 'pre-check out my vagina' Sharon Stone) is threatened so he has to hide them away while he goes into hiding to continue his investigation.

While on the lam, Toscani has several great man dances. First with a group of gentleman that arrive in a convertible Cadillac with a variety of creative weapons....including a machete.....this scene is basically Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, except the weapons are held by assholes, rather than the structure of the dome. Why is there always a dude with a gun that refuses to shoot? Granted if he killed Seagal the movie would be over, but who wouldn't shoot? Of course, machete man is dissarmed (literally!, he gets his arm cut off), and the rest of the gang are felled by a series of patented Seagal joint locks. The second group of douchebags heed my advice and open fire immediately on Toscani in his car. Of course he manages to slip free, and emerges behind the vehicle with his pistol drawn. 6 guys with machine guns....one skinny pony tail sporting guy with a pistol.....ummmm shoot? Of course not.....they all lay their weapons on the deck, and rather than have them lay down on the ground alongside their discarded firearms, Toscani escorts them into a tiny convenience store. What happens next is fairly predictable, because the fight mats have been thrown down all over the shop. This is a Seagal standard! Safety first! The mats are placed where ever his stunt men may be dropping, and by no means does it take away from the stupidity of the maneuver to bring these gentlemen into this shop for the sole purpose of eventually engaging them in close quarters combat. That being said....he fucks them all up, and makes sure he destroys every part of the store including the Slushee machine.

Toscani eventually discovers that Salvano is not just a small time drug dealer turned gun runner, but rather a cog in a larger machine that is the CIA. This agency has been funding wars (because we all know war is good business and very profitable....ask our President and Vice President!) and is preparing to begin another campaign, but a straight and narrow Senator is blocking their efforts. Thus in order to commence with their plans, Zagon is brought in to take out the senator.....see...full circle.

Toscani is the only thing standing in the way of Mr. Zagon and the agency's plans so they capture him on the eve of the operation. Bound to a chair, Toscani is beaten by Zagon, merely for entertainment, and even administers his 'truth serum' (I'm guessing it's sodium pentathol....it's the method I prefer when I'm conducting interrogations.... that and a massaging the cheakbones liberally with a phone book wrapped in burlap) prior to pulling out a blade to finish him off. Like most typical bad guys Zagon, drones on and on about how huge his dick is, and right before he goes to take care of Toscani.....he's loose. In a matter of moments, Toscani is on his adversaries and kills them all, saving Zagon for last, whom he then smashes his nose, slowly does that cool arm break thing, and then the old reverse head lock neck snap......fucking sweet!

Above the Law all in all is worth a viewing on your bad movie night. Granted I've seen much worse, and for a first timer, Seagal isn't too bad. In fact he out classed Sharon Stone who was fresh off the sets of Action Jackson (what the fuck happened to Carl Weathers? I suspect he really died when the Predator killed him....sad days my friends) and Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (HAHAHAHHA...oh wait, Guttenberg was in that one....ok yer still cool), but in fairness to her, as I said earlier, she didn't really hit her stride till she began acting with her vagina. Frankly, I couldn't think of better way of spending an afternoon than watching Seagal beat the shit out of dudes all day (other than watching the rape scene from The Accused over and over again)....forget the story, forget the acting, and tell the director to just shut the fuck up.....go Steve....yer up!

Hamlin Grade: 4

Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
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