Dun ta da da da Daaaa da! Dun ta da da da Daaaa da!
Dun ta da da da Daaaa da Daaa Daaa Dun!

Yes my Bad Movie Knights, it is indeed the unforgettable theme music to the1985 classic Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins!!! Unfortunately it ended with the same movie, for the world was denied a sequel to this seemingly endless formula of good-natured action adventure. The adventure actually begins with one of New York's finest (Fred Ward) enjoying a nice hot cup of coffee in his squad car while taking in the then dilapidated Brooklyn waterfront. His reverie will be short lived, however, as he is plunged into the icy waters of the East River to his certain death . . . or is it the rebirth of Remo Williams? It is! This man in blue has been recruited by a top secret organization. Now with a new face (yes, we lose the painfully obvious prosthetic nose and fake mustache worn in the opening scene), Remo begins his fifteen year training program under a Korean martial arts master named Chiun played flawlessly by Joel Gray. Gray's performance makes him a candidate for an Ironside Agenda, delivering such ridiculously wrong lines as, "Women should stay at home and make babies. Preferably man-child."

What's inspiring about this movie is that under the tutelage of Chiun, in just over a month you could be dodging bullets and have the ability to run on water! Now, that is bad movie magic my friends! And remember that's the first month in a fifteen year program. So start now for just $19.99! For anyone who has a love for the Big Apple, Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins is tremendous, if for nothing else, as a show case of the city. New York becomes Remo's training ground as Chiun leads our hero everywhere, from hanging off the Wonder Wheel at Coney Island to facing his fear of heights on top of the Statue of Liberty. The latter location is memorable for several reasons; first it's the only movie I know of that not only shows, but has an entire scene at the Statue of Liberty while it was being restored. The scaffolding that surrounds this icon and the statue itself makes for interesting terrain for an action adventure. The second memorable reason is that we learn how quickly union construction workers will jump at the chance to earn a few extra bucks by committing murder. Classy!

Remo and Chiun are two of four players in this top secret crew. The man who recruited Remo by driving him to his seemingly watery death is a one armed man named Mac. The man in charge is affectionately known as Emperor Smith played by Pat's favorite punching bag (see The Firm) Wilford Brimley. One armed man + Remo + Chiun + Wilford Brimley = bad movie gold! No, no wait! This is really just the tip of the iceberg. There is an entire sequence with the most charismatic Doberman Pincher's you will ever see. These dogs can chase you over a tight rope, literally! A villain with a Diamond tooth! Well, let's be honest, who would have a diamond tooth and not be a villain? You really have to see this film, and I don't have to sell it because drugs sell themselves, and if your addicted to fantastic bad movies, Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins is your fix!

Hamlin Grade: 6.5

Fletch is a killing word!