"Crime is a Disease. Meet the cure." This, of course is the glorious tag-line to Sylvester Stallone's Cobra. The preparation to create this character was demanding indeed: one pair of darkly tinted mirror sunglasses, one pair of leather gloves, tight fitting jeans, one matchstick tooth pick, a laser sighted machine gun, one 1905 Mercury, and one Colt 45 with a cobra head etched into its pearl handle. That's a lot of preparation, but Sly also had to watch every Dirty Harry movie, and on top of that, he spent countless hours with a voice coach to drop his voice a half octave. With all the hard work Sly spent to flesh out this complex roll, Stallone had to pass on Beverley Hills Cop. Eddie Murphy was very thankful as was the rest of the world, as we all would have received a rushed performance out of Stallone, or, worse yet, no Cobra at all!

The opening credits show shots of a motorcycle cult that has an affinity for axes and the sounds they make when they are struck against one another. The movie opens with one of it's members staggering into a super market looking very menacing indeed. Apparently, this guy hates the produce section and expresses his anger in a dream ballet sequence which involves a shot gun. The police have been called to the scene and now have the market surrounded. It is obvious to them that they are dealing with a mad man, time to call in the Cobra! Lt. Marion Cobretti, aka Cobra (Sylvester Stallone) peals into the parking lot and gets out of his cool ride like he's the cock of the walk. Cobra is the fearless cop that plays by his own rules and those rules are outlined with violence. Sound familiar? Cobra navigates his way into and through the super market, without backup, to find our punk behind the butcher counter. Perfect! Could there be a better metaphor? This sicko has taken hostages and has a bomb wired. When he sees the ultra cool Cobra who stops to drink some Coors, the punk threatens to blow the entire store up. Cobra responds "Go ahead, (dramatic pause) I don't shop here. Hum....right. Cobra then throws a knife into the rapscallion's chest and diffuses the situation. This is what you can come to expect throughout this picture, lots of action, devoid of any substance, accompanied by bad one-liners.

This is all set against the background of a Los Angles which has been in a state of fear for months because of a serial killer known as the Night Slasher. Unable to crack the case, the police bring in Cobra and his extreme tactics. It's 1986, so what do we need? A montage! This little bit of cinematic heaven shows Cobra hitting the streets of L.A. to pick up leads to the murders while at the same time introducing love interest Brigitte Nielson as a young model hard at work on a photo shoot posing with robots. This is Eightieslicious! This montage is accompanied by the timeless rock ballad, Angel of the city.

After the photo shoot Ingrid (Bridget Nielson) makes her way through a parking garage with her photographer, where they are attacked by that nutty Axe cult. It's not just one serial killer, it's a group of them led by the Night Slasher, played by Brian Thompson. Thompson fits the role perfectly, as a mentally unhinged man with a penchant for blood, because he simply looks the part (glossary term to follow.) He's an evil kind of ugly. Anyway, the photographer is shot and killed and Ingrid narrowly escapes. The cops find her and she's checked into the hospital where she meets the matchstick of her dreams hanging from the mouth of Cobra. The Night Slasher doesn't plan on letting her live, so with his inside connection, he finds the hospital where she's staying to finish the job. To no avail, Cobra plays the spoiler to his murderous plans. It's apparent she must be moved to a safer locale, so let us have a better look of that signature Mercury of Cobra's in a car chase that will take us all over the city. This was really entertaining. For a moment or two I forgot I was watching a Stallone movie! At the end of the chase, Cobra's totally styling ride is ruined, but thanks to the seat belts, NASCAR installed in this sweet ride, our hero and heroine are fine. Meanwhile, our hatchet happy group is making every corner of the city a dangerous one. It seems they won't stop until they have killed Ingrid and Cobra, and the Chief has had enough of cleaning up after their mess. Cobra decides to lead this Axe wielding motorcycle dance troupe to a small peaceful town they can destroy without getting an ear-full from the department. They come at dawn and Rambo...I mean Cobra, is ready. As you might guess, the town is treated to copious amounts of gunfire from our motorcycle enthusiasts.

The final showdown between the Night Slasher and Cobra takes place in a factory that produces lots and lots of fire in random hallways and catwalks. It also has a large foundry so you should expect a good sh-melting. Cobra displays his love for his fellow man by reading him his rights as he sets him on fire. This is nice, but the man who really steals the film is the Night Slasher. His confrontation with Cobra produces such timeless lines as "Let's bleed pig!", "I want your eyes pig!" and the piece de resistance, "You want to go to hell with me pig?!" Mr. Thompson delivers these lines so well, he shall be awarded two Hamlin's for his efforts. As you might guess, Cobra does not take kindly to the offers and demands of the Night Slasher. In response, Cobra beats him mercilessly, and finishes him off by impaling him on a large chain hoist which carries him to a fiery death.

There are no words of advice, and nothing I can really say which will let you understand the special place one reaches after the viewing of Cobra. Good luck my friends.

Hamlin Grade: 3.5

Fletch is a killing word!