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"ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?!?"
Frankly Russell, no. No I'm not. Firstly, you can't act. I don't care how many people this pisses off, but you suck. So fuck you. Secondly, you've been playing the same character since the Quick and the Dead.....or was it Virtuosity....regardless. The Academy felt it necessary to bestow the honor of an Oscar on your performance in Gladiator. This was probably the beginning of the end of credibility for the Academy, which they quickly put an end to by handing out an Oscar to Halle Berry. Are you fucking kidding me? I know the Academy was trying to get cultural, and spotlight black actors that year but in all honesty......when I think of great black performers, my top three is not Sydney Poitier, Denzel Washington and Halle Berry. Well two of those three belong....if I may make a comparison and say that the three best European actors of all time are Anthony Hopkins, Michael Caine, and Jean Claude Van Damme......wouldn't you take issue with that? As you should....because there is no way Hopkins is a better actor than Dolph Lundgren. Ok I've really gone off on a tangent here...so let's bring it back to the asshole of the hour. Russell Crowe.
In Gladiator, we are treated with a period piece, that does offer us a picturesque view of Ancient Rome. Unfortunately, that is where the good in this film comes crashing to a halt. Russell Crowe plays General Maximus, who as the film opens is putting an end to a war against Germania and helping to further extend the Roman Empire for Caesar Marcus Aurelius. Basically inserting footage from Braveheart into the opening 15 minutes, Gladiator really offers us nothing new. In fact, if you remember, Braveheart was the movie that gave us a look at large scale battles.....little did we know, that every movie after that would have to include one of these epic battles... this cinematic device has become more played than showing Jennifer Jason Leigh's tits on screen.
Okay, so Maximus slaughters the Germans, and he and his men return to the tents to wash their hands in rose water, drink wine, eat pork from the bone, and talk politics with the pedophiliac community of the Roman Republic. Maximus is treated to an oral stroking by Marcus Aurelius about how fucking cool he is and asks him to become Rome's next emperor, so he can help ease the transition of rule from a dictatorship, to control by the Republic. Maximus is confused why Marcus Aurelius would not give control of Rome to his son Commudus played by Joaquin Phoenix. Out of curiosity.....why the fuck is there not one Italian actor in this entire film? It's Rome. Have we grown so accustomed to seeing the Romans played by English? I digresss again.....Marcus Aurelius explains to Maximus that is son is a dickhead and would be a major league asshole if he sat on the throne.....thus, making Maximus the choice...because his kung fu is strong.
Following the meeting with Caesar, Maximus is confronted by his daughter Lucilla (who is the sister of Commodus, but that bond does little to deter him from trying to get into her pants for the rest of the film), who flirts with and obviously aches for his...sword. One of the best lines in the movie is presented to us here.....Maximus obviously has little time for this whore, and attempts to dismiss her, but she refuses to let him go....he responds with..."I'm tired....from battle". Brilliant. Try that one the next time your significant other is pissing you off.
Much to Marcus Aurelius's dismay, his son Commodus is not hip to the idea of giving rule to Maximus, so he kills his dad, and assumes command. Maximus, knowing that Commodus has killed the Emperor, plots to expose, him, but Commodus quickly arrests him and orders him executed. Why stop there? Commodus plans to end Maximus bloodline forever, by killing his son and his wife (who apparently moaned like a whore) while he is being executed. Maximus of course escapes his execution and rapidly dispatches 5 or 6 guards. Grabbing an available horse, he rides to his home in a vain effort to save his family.....he arrives to find them crucified and burning on the facade of his palatial estate. He then collapses to the ground and seeks comfort in a coma of exhaustion.
Fortunately for Maximus, the travelling Gladiator circus is in town, and he is quickly absorbed into the fold, made a slave, and a gladiator! WOOO HOOO! This is the Rocky Balboa sequence of Gladiator, as Maximus fights in small arenas at first, until his fame grows and grows and he is finally offered an opportunity to fight at the Colliseum in Rome! YAY! Now Maximus can have his vengeance against Commodus. Of course this part of the movie is where most common day douche bags after the movie would be sitting on their IROC Z-28's in the parking lot saying "Yeah, me and Maximus would have fucked up some shit together", and "Oh hell yeah, we would put a whooping on that bitch Commodus!"....I of course have none of these delusions of grandeur, as I would most likely be the guy in line pissing down my leg, onto the Reebok Pumps of the gentleman behind me.....and later providing a marvelous weapon for said gentleman in the form of a severed hand.
So, the Gladiator returns to Rome. After a marvelous display, along with his fellow warriors, Maximus and the boys get a personal greeting from Emperor Commodus. Maximus is forced to unmask himself, and reveal his true identity to Commodus....who becomes vexxed. Commodus, lacking in sac, does not kill Maximus, for fear of an uprisal by his citizens, so he allows him to live to fight further bouts in the arena. Each fight greater than the last, in both foe, and level of difficulty (sounds like a video game), but each time Maximus is equal to the task....and Commodus becomes vexxed further. He is very vexxed you see.
His vexxation however, knowing no bounds, forces his hand into the arena to face off against Maximus, in an effort to prove to the Roman people that he is greater than the former General. Commodus, man of honor that he is, ensures the fight will be fair by puncturing one of the lungs of Maximus with a small knife. Maximus, is then led, disabled to the floor of the Colliseum. Oxygen, as you know, is not really necessary during a fight, and during a sword battle....there is no need for it at all. In fact blood in the lungs will help keep the combatant from becoming parched, as he or she routinely coughs and lubricates the esophagus. That being said, Maximus beats the ass out of Commodus, and ends his reign with a slow blade to the throat. Obviously a student of Gurney Halleck, trainer of House Atreides from Dune.....Maximus knows full well that the slow blade penetrates the shield.
Following his victory, Maximus collapses and dies, where he is re-united with his retarded kid, and whore moaning wife, in the after-life.....truly touching. When I think of the movie Gladiator, only one word comes to mind. Mistake. No wait, that's Wisconsin. Shit. Well it's Gladiator too now.
Hamlin Grade: 2.5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
Dun ta da da da Daaaa da! Dun ta da da da Daaaa da!
Dun ta da da da Daaaa da Daaa Daaa Dun!
Yes my Bad Movie Knights, it is indeed the unforgettable theme music to the1985 classic Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins!!! Unfortunately it ended with the same movie, for the world was denied a sequel to this seemingly endless formula of good-natured action adventure. The adventure actually begins with one of New York's finest (Fred Ward) enjoying a nice hot cup of coffee in his squad car while taking in the then dilapidated Brooklyn waterfront. His reverie will be short lived, however, as he is plunged into the icy waters of the East River to his certain death . . . or is it the rebirth of Remo Williams? It is! This man in blue has been recruited by a top secret organization. Now with a new face (yes, we lose the painfully obvious prosthetic nose and fake mustache worn in the opening scene), Remo begins his fifteen year training program under a Korean martial arts master named Chiun played flawlessly by Joel Gray. Gray's performance makes him a candidate for an Ironside Agenda, delivering such ridiculously wrong lines as, "Women should stay at home and make babies. Preferably man-child."
What's inspiring about this movie is that under the tutelage of Chiun, in just over a month you could be dodging bullets and have the ability to run on water! Now, that is bad movie magic my friends! And remember that's the first month in a fifteen year program. So start now for just $19.99! For anyone who has a love for the Big Apple, Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins is tremendous, if for nothing else, as a show case of the city. New York becomes Remo's training ground as Chiun leads our hero everywhere, from hanging off the Wonder Wheel at Coney Island to facing his fear of heights on top of the Statue of Liberty. The latter location is memorable for several reasons; first it's the only movie I know of that not only shows, but has an entire scene at the Statue of Liberty while it was being restored. The scaffolding that surrounds this icon and the statue itself makes for interesting terrain for an action adventure. The second memorable reason is that we learn how quickly union construction workers will jump at the chance to earn a few extra bucks by committing murder. Classy!
Remo and Chiun are two of four players in this top secret crew. The man who recruited Remo by driving him to his seemingly watery death is a one armed man named Mac. The man in charge is affectionately known as Emperor Smith played by Pat's favorite punching bag (see The Firm) Wilford Brimley. One armed man + Remo + Chiun + Wilford Brimley = bad movie gold! No, no wait! This is really just the tip of the iceberg. There is an entire sequence with the most charismatic Doberman Pincher's you will ever see. These dogs can chase you over a tight rope, literally! A villain with a Diamond tooth! Well, let's be honest, who would have a diamond tooth and not be a villain? You really have to see this film, and I don't have to sell it because drugs sell themselves, and if your addicted to fantastic bad movies, Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins is your fix!
Hamlin Grade: 6.5
Fletch is a killing word!
Hey, before we start our film, how about we get a little information about our friend the Anaconda; "They will regurgitate their prey in order to kill and eat again.” Evil, evil! That would really be something to see. I wonder if having said that in the opening moments, they'll think to put it somewhere in the film? No time to ponder that now, however, as we see our first actor, Danny Trejo. We've been Beaned! There's no way the ensuing expedition can go well with Danny making an appearance. In what must be his shortest appearance ever, Trejo doesn't even get to say a word. His boat is under attack, and he only has time to climb to the top of his mast where he shoots himself rather than facing the terror which lies below in the Amazon.
Cut to a film crew boarding another boat ready to start an expedition to seek a long lost Indian tribe known as the people of the mist. Let's meet our crew, shall we? First we have our surly Captain, Mateo, played by Vincent Castellanos. Next, the leader of our expedition, Dr. Steven Cale (Eric Stoltz), and the director of the documentary film, Terri Flores (Jennifer Lopez.) How 'bout a cameraman? Let's use Ice Cube playing Danny Rich. We also need a narrator for the film, Warren Westridge played by Jonathan Hyde. And let's round out the crew by throwing in Owen Wilson as Gary and Kari Wuhrer as Denise. That's it...oh, except for picking up a creepy, stranded passenger on the way, Paul Stone played by Jon Voight.
Eight people in a horror film? There's not many so we're going to have to kill them off judiciously. Let's play a little game I like to call, "Who's Going to be the First to Die?" Instead of just randomly guessing, let's use our noggins and a little thing I like to call the process of elimination. They're not going to kill off Lopez; she is after all, the star of the film. As a matter of fact, I'll just wager a guess that even if only one person makes it to the end, it's her. The same goes with Eric Stoltz. Just a big enough of a name and he's playing our hero. How about Ice Cube? Don't think so. The days of throwing the token brother under the bus straight out of the gate are gone. Jon Voight is also a big name and besides, he's our odds-on favorite for head villain. How about our truly annoying narrator of the film, Warren Westridge? Let's check off the things that he's got going against him: he's English, he's a huge snob, he's brought a bunch of wine aboard to consume by himself and he spends most of the voyage hitting golf balls into a net while everyone else around him works. Sorry, our filmmakers have taken too much effort to make us hate him. He's going to be around for a while. (Side note, he does also have the best line in the movie; "The last time I was in water like this, I spent all night picking leeches off my scrotum." No? Not working for you? Try saying it with an English dialect.) That leaves Owen Wilson (still very much in the beginning of his career, not a name yet), Kari Wuhrer (Kari Who?) and Vincent Castellanos, our brooding Captain. Right now my money's on Kari Who.
Right away Owen expresses his horniness to Kari Who. Ooh, that can't be good in a horror film, perhaps I should reevaluate Owen's chances. Just about this time we have the first sighting of our star and I couldn't be more pleased. The makers of this film have embraced it's preposterous premise and that's a good thing. It promptly devours a black panther. Evil, evil! In our race to see who can get killed first, Owen and Kari Who debark the boat and head into the evening jungle to record night sounds. Night sounds! Ah, hah, hah, hah! Forgetting the first rule of horror, Kari Who expresses her passions to Owen and clothes start coming off. Could I be right? Could Kari Who be the first one to go? Or will she drag Owen down with her? They hear noises in the night and start racing back to the boat. Creepy Jon pops out of nowhere and levels a rifle at them...only to shoot the pursuing boar. Damn! No death yet.
The next day finds our crew stranded, as their boat gets stuck on some unknown something. Our hero Stoltz decides to dive in and cut away whatever nuisance is slowing us down. Swimming in the Amazon. What could go wrong? I'll tell you what could go wrong, getting a deadly underwater wasp to sting you on the inside of your mouth, that's what! Evil, evil! Creepy Jon diagnosis this as soon as we get our hero pulled out of the water. Am I the only one who finds the idea of a deadly underwater wasp ridiculous? Must be, because none of the other crew members give it another thought. Damn! Looks like our hero is going to be the first to go. Wait a minute, Creepy Jon is able to save him with a tracheotomy. Maybe I had this guy figured all wrong. Perhaps he is good after all. At any rate, I'm still in the "Who's Going to be the First to Die?" game.
As a result of the sting, our crew has to abandon their film shoot and head back to civilization for the welfare of our hero. They decide to follow the advice of Creepy Jon who knows a shortcut. Yeah, that sounds like a good plan. Evil, evil! So they follow Creepy Jon up a tributary that is blocked by a crude wooden dam. Damn is right! How will they ever get past this blockade? Don't worry, Creepy Jon has a bunch of dynamite in his backpack. Thanks Creepy Jon! He blows the dam to smithereens, but in the process they are showered with snakes and they lose most of their fuel. Darn the luck. Guess they better just keep pressing on. Say, what do you suppose that dam was for anyway? To keep people out or to keep something in?
Soon after, they come across Trejo's stranded boat and Creepy Jon, Ice Cube and Captain Mateo go off to explore. Oh no, Mateo gets eaten up! Ack! While he was in my top three, I didn't see him going first. Well “Who’s Going to be the First to Die?“ is out of the way now, so at least I can start concentrating on some of the other elements in the movie. Creepy Jon has a dart gun and a bottle of Reptile Tranquilizer serum. Ah, hah, hah! Reptile Tranquilizer serum! It says it right on the bottle! Precious. I wonder what Creepy Jon’s real motives are. It's at about this point in the film that Creepy Jon's dialect starts to bug me, not because it's bad, but because I can't figure it out. Wait a minute...could it be...yes! I've got it! It's equal parts Brando from The Godfather and Pacino from Scarface.
I won't ruin the whole movie for you, but we finally do get to see that regurgitation trick. And in true horror fashion, this anaconda refuses to die. He's tranquilized, shot, pick-axed, blown up and lit on fire, but he keeps going and going and going. My only regret is that this film allows too many of our crew to survive. Oh, and they almost ruin the movie at the end with a finale that threatens to rival the sappiness of the Ewok party at the end of "The Return of the Jedi." They pull back just in time, and as a result I give this movie a solid seven Hamlins.
Hamlin Grade: 7
Big Daddy Yum Yum
I had the misfortune of watching a bad movie starring Sean Bean followed directly by a horrendous pic that featured Sharon Stone. I posit that if one of these two shows up in a film, there's at least a 75% chance that something bad is going to happen. Even in the rare case where someone like this isn't playing a bad guy (Sean Bean in North Country for example), bad things are going to happen to those around them. From trying to kill Bond and take over the world to putting an ice pick in your lover's chest just as he climaxes to raping poor little Hobbits, there's just no telling what will happen when someone like this shows up. In effect, it ruins any chance the filmmaker has of surprising the audience. I therefore propose that in the case where a male actor appearing in a film possesses this trait we call it being Beaned whereas if a female has this trait we call it getting Stoned.
Big Daddy Yum Yum
I knew I wasn't going to give this movie a fair chance when I sat down to watch it, I had pre-judged this film. I knew I was going to hate the bad CGI effects (and they're awful, the kind of awful you find in a video game), I knew I was going to hate the writing (and it's really bad, the kind of bad dialogue and puns the likes of which have not been seen since Adam West graced our television screens), and I knew I was going to hate the directing (just the fight sequences alone are repetitive enough to put you to sleep.) And gosh darn it, that's just not fair! A reviewer has to be impartial at all times. Thus I took steps to correct my biased self.
As the movie started I cracked my first beer. The distraction almost caused me to miss the PG-13 warning: action violence and some sensuality. Sensuality? Since when do we need to be warned about sensuality? Ah, there I go judging again. Concentrate, concentrate. Drink, drink. Argh! The movie starts with a montage and a voiceover! Really?! A flipping voiceover?! Sorry, drink more. After some curious information about cats throughout history, we are dumped in the midst of an unidentified homogeneous city. The kind of city where one end of an alley will lead you to an impossibly chic loft, while the other end will get you held up by the kind of thugs you would expect to find in a city that needs super heroes. Wait a minute, is Catwoman a super hero or a super villain? Gee, I hope this movie answers that question.
Patience Phillips, played by Halle Berry, works for a cosmetics giant, Hedare Beauty. She is a disillusioned artist, making her living by pumping out bad copy for Hedare. Our filmmakers do their best to make Patience appear to be socially inept and awkward, but let's face it, she's played by Halle Berry! I know I'm only on my first beer here, but I'm going to rant a little bit. I thought she did a fine job in Monster's Ball, but give me a break! Of course the racist played by Billy Bob Thornton is going to fall for her; she's Halle freakin' Berry! Let's see Billy Bob fall for Whoopi Goldberg playing that part. Shoot, I need another beer.
Halle takes her pathetic self home with a painting deadline, only to find herself distracted by a cat. She climbs out on a ledge to save this feline and finds herself in danger of falling off herself. Thank god Benjamin Bratt pulls up just then. Benjamin sees Patience out there on that ledge and thinks she's a jumper, so he races to the rescue. How nice these ordinary citizens are in this unknown city. Impossibly beautiful people just waiting to save the day. Drink, drink. Oh, but he's not just any kind of impossibly beautiful citizen, he's an impossibly beautiful cop. His name is Tom Lone. Lone...say, that would be a good last name for a cop that doesn't have a partner, don't you think? Tom saves Patience and asks her for a date as I head to the fridge for another beer.
I come back to find Patience stumbling onto a piece of information which will change her life forever; Hedare is about to put a new facial cream out on the market, a facial cream which will not only slow the effects of aging, but will actually reverse them. But wait, there are side-effects! Why do super villain's products always have side-effects? Don't question, drink. This new cream has side-effects which lead to headaches, nausea and the occasional fainting spell. Later we will also learn that it makes your skin as hard as marble. These side-effects could probably be overlooked except for the fact that if you stop using the cream your skin immediately starts falling apart. Darn the luck, Patience walks into the super-secret lab just as all of this is being explained to the bosses wife, Laurel Hedare, played by Sharon Stone. Sharon Stone! What could possibly go wrong in a movie that features Sharon Stone?! Clumsy Patience knocks over a beaker, and the chase is on. She's eventually flushed out to sea and drowned, only to wash up on shore and be revived by a herd of supernatural cats. Thank god they were in the vicinity. Better go get another beer, I'm beginning to judge again.
Patience comes back to life, but things aren't quite the same. Her senses seem to be heightened and she seems to have a need to make all sorts of cat allusions. Really bad punny allusions. Sorry. Drink, drink. She runs into Tom again and they have a very public one-on-one basketball game in front of a whole schoolyard of high-schoolers. Lots of butt-rubbing and landing on top of one another. I think this is where the sensuality warning was derived from. Patience also starts to be drawn to a better fashion sense which involves leather outfits and scissors. I've always been curious as to where super heroes and villains get their outfits. Drink deeply. She comes up with a halter-top super-outfit which is strangely unsexy. Halle Berry unsexy in next to nothing? Best get another beer.
As I sat down this time, the movie started to get better. Or perhaps I just didn't care anymore. The annoying soundtrack went away, the puns were no longer hurting my ears, and Sharon Stone became...ah, hah, hah! Who am I kidding?! Sharon Stone still sucks as the villain in this movie! I had another couple of beers, but at this point even if I had emptied a bottle of Powers down my gullet, it wouldn't have mattered.
Knights, all I'm saying is that with a little forethought at the liquor store, no movie has to be a complete bust.
Sober- One Hamlin.
Fully Kreusened-three and a half Hamilns.
Big Daddy Yum Yum
Do you like the Indiana Jones trilogy of movies? All three of them? Hope so, because with National Treasure you get a movie that steals from all three of those films. Yes, Bruckheimer and crew essentially give us a recap of the entire Jones series, but with the advantage of not having to sit through six hours of movie viewing...and without all of those great story lines...and all of that messy good acting stuff. It's like having the Cliff Notes for Indiana Jones, and that's a beautiful thing.
With Indiana Jones you have a son carrying on his father's legacy of being obsessed with religious artifacts. National Treasure ups the ante by having just such an obsession pass down through six generations. A young Ben Gates sneaks up into his grandfather's attic to sneak a peak at his treasure scrapbook. Caught in the act, the kindly grandfather takes him through the known history of a vast hidden treasure which his family has been trying to find since the American Revolution. Knight's Templar, Masons, secret societies, vast treasures...this story has been around in film version since The Maltese Falcon, but I'm sure Bruckheimer can tell it in a fascinating
Spring ahead twenty years or so, and we find Ben, played by Nicholas Cage, on an expedition to the Arctic with his partner and financier of the expedition, Ian Howe, played by Sean Bean. Ah, hah, hah! Sean Bean?! Are you kidding me?! Has anything good ever happened in a movie in which Sean Bean has appeared? Even hobbits don't trust this guy. I'm sorry, perhaps I'm just a bit jaded and Sean really is capable of being a nice guy. Maybe if we give him one more chance, things will turn out all right in this story.
The expedition is in search of a ship named Charlotte buried underneath the arctic ice. Cage digs a few inches and finds it on his first try. Whoo hoo! What luck! How did he know it was there? Oh, don't waste your time with such trivialities, this film isn't concerned with the how or the why. The crew enters the hull of the ship and they find a whole bunch of gunpowder which they then exert a great deal of effort spreading around by breaking open every single cask. That kind of thing could be dangerous! Hope no one gets careless with a match or something.
While the rest of the crew is fumbling about, Ben immediately goes to the cask which contains the next clue on their Colonial scavenger hunt. This is the first of many times in the movie that the writers go out of their way to show how superior Ben's intellect is to that of his companions. Ben finds an old pipe which he intuitively knows contains a hidden message. If only there were something to smear onto it to print the message. Wait, I know, stab your thumb and smear it all over the priceless pipe! Good thinking there, Ben! I always prefer the thumb myself when in need of a little blood.
Ben deciphers the clues which all point to a secret message on the back of The Declaration of Independence. Well game over, there's no way anyone could get to that famously guarded document. Ian doesn't agree. He's got all the wealth and resources in the world. Now if someone says they are going to try to steal The Declaration of Independence, it means they are crazy. Game over. It's times like these that you don't tell said crazy person that you won't let them get away with their evil plan. It's like having sex in a horror movie, it's not going to go well for you. One thing leads to another and all of that messy gunpowder gets set on fire and Ben and Riley get blowed up. Don't worry, we're only twenty minutes into the movie, we're not going to blow up our star that easily.
What follows is a race to find the clues to the treasure first. Ben uses his brains while Ian uses his brawn ad nauseam. And then after Ben and his crew find the clues first, they are caught by Ian's crew ad nauseam. Oh there's lots of mystery, a sexless love interest and even a bad Bruckheimer chase scene, and it's all very well done, it's just that it's all been done before. And much better. There's never any real danger and the good guy gets the girl and the treasure in the end. Yawn. And Cage proves once again that he can't carry a movie as the leading man type. This movie is neither fish nor fowl and as a result leaves you with an empty feeling in the pit of your stomach.
Hamlin Grade: 3
Big Daddy Yum Yum
Brokeback Mountain is the story of two cowboys who while isolated for a summer lay the tracks (among other things) for a relationship that will span the remaining years of their lives. A relationship that will overcome the obstacles that will penetrate their lives, including prejudice, vagina, marriage and kids. Brokeback Mountain while being one of the more controversial films to be splattered onto the big screen (mostly because of the 18th century, bible thumping, Jesus freaks who have refused to wake up and smell the new millenium) does engage the viewer, and offer us a long, hard, deep, look into a lifestyle not often portrayed in Hollywood cinema (not counting the films of Tom Cruise). However, rather than enlighten, I think Brokback Mountain did little to stroke the cause of the homosexual community, and in my opinion may have pushed back the movement decades. Do I agree with the critics that this movie was controversial and perhaps offensive? Yes, but not for the reasons these imaginary diety worshippers do.
Brokeback Mountain for all intents and purposes, was simply not gay enough. When I gently inserted this dvd into my player's ample opening I had expectations, while perhaps too endowed, that were just not satisfied. Cowboys Ennis (played superbly by Heath Ledger), and Jack (played by Jake Gyllenhaal also exceptionally well), are hired to tend sheep on a mountain side of Wyoming for the summer season. A tent, two cowboys, a limitless supply of whiskey, and a mountain full of sheep. Is it me, or are the ingredients available perfect for a Club Med like summer? Fletch and I have had success with much less! While being handsomely well supplied, Ennis and Jack's relationship takes time to reach its full climax......however when it does, it is anything but climatic.
Where's the cock? Given the setup for this summer, I bet even the ranch owner (played by Randy Quaid) would have expected some more action, from these handsome, strapping, young men. Brokeback Mountain should have been nothing short of an avalanche of cock and dead sheep....either from neglect, or through multiple evenings of adventure and experimentation spurred on by whiskey. The end of the summer should have seen these cowboys returning with 3 living sheep, an empty flask of hooch, and a glint in the eye. But this was just not to be.
For the remainder of their lives we watch as they endure the hardships of heterosexual intercourse, and the nightmare of having to raise children (imagine 9 months of terror, followed by an endless nightmare from which you can never wake) .....all the while longing to be with one another. Ennis and Jack do manage several rendezvous, but nothing in comparison (so they tell it) to their summer on Brokeback. Even though they return to the original location where they first deposited the seed of their relationship....it is a sad facsimile of what could have been. Their lives are severely hampered by a society that will not accept them....so they are forced to swallow...their emotions and live a lie.
As far as Wyoming and Texas in 1963....can we really say that these two states are any different today? If anything they are probably worse. The most heated debate today is 'gay marriage', which has got to be the most ridiculous topic to argue, since slavery (which is actually condoned in Exodus 20:1-17, Deuteronomy 15:12-15; Ephesians 6:9; Colossians 4:1). What's funnier still, is that the South is once again the front runners against said union....and why? Because the bible tells them so. So to sum up.....Homosexuals may own slaves, but they cannot marry one another. That makes sense.
In Brokeback Mountain, Director Ang Lee must have hit a nerve with this movie by exposing the true nature of cowboys. While carrying themselves as tough masculine icons, I think everyone not living in the mid-west knew that these guys were craving cock. Your secret is out fellas....you can be yourselves now.
Brokeback Mountain in all fairness, is not really a bad movie. In fact, it is an excellent film, with great actors, and a superb story. Then why I have I reviewed it for Bad Movie Knights? Firstly, because I know it will piss off all of you mindless, church going automatons....and secondly, because the gay community kicks ass! I pine for the day when my admiration for Patrick Swayze will be celebrated, rather than shunned and persecuted.....till then there is Brokeback Mountain.
Hamlin Grade: 6
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
Why? Why the fuck would you make a movie about this shit? A football team, hailing from a town in ass fuck Texas where the people only care about banging their relatives, making grain alcohol in their sheds, concentrating on their racism.....and football. Sadly this is the kind of town that would escape Nuclear Armageddon and the future of humanity would be left in the hands of these brokeback retards. Sadder still is that Friday Night Lights not only focuses on the finer scenic areas of this town, but is actually a story about its H.S. football team, for which the town has limitless pride. Nothing like being involved in a sporting event while your parents are getting lit in the stands and fooling around.
The saddest fact of this entire movie, is that it follows the hardships of this football team, that lost it's star player, and expectations were dashed, but they still managed to make it all the way to the finals. Sounds great right? Wrong.
The fucking team loses.
What's the point of that? Oh but Pat they showed tremendous courage in the face of adversity and achieved so much. Oh Fuck You! They achieved dick! Tremendous courage!?! Is it courageous to come in second? They faced adversity and adversity took a giant shit on them and the entire town. Frankly I haven't been this pissed off with a community since I went to Gloucester, Massachussetts ( the toilet stain of a town that provided the backdrop for the Perfect Storm).
Why not make movies about more stellar examples of mediocrity? How about a movie about the Green Bay Packers amazing 1997-1998 season? You know the one, where they lost to Denver in the Super Bowl? How about a movie about the Presidential campagin of MIchael Dukakis? Justin Guarini anyone? David Lee Roth? Who? Exactly! 2nd place means only one thing. You are the first loser.
By the way, if I didn't already make this abundantly clear.....Friday Night Lights bites the hog.
Hamlin Grade: 0
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
A breakthrough in science and technology has allowed the Bad Movie Knights to provide you with the long sought after complement to movie reviews. It is known by many names, but here it is simply called the Tit Counter! That's right folks, this little gem provides a rating scale for one of the best things about watching bad movies ....Bare Breasts! There is a long and prestigious tradition showing these magnificent mammilla in all forms of film. From goofy teenage comedies to the goriest of horror movies, women's breasts are spread across the big screen for no other reason then to celebrate their beauty!
Our mission as Knights is to protect and serve you as viewers, and for those reasons we have created the Tit Counter. Here's how it works; whenever you see this icon showing up at the bottom of a review, the Tit Counter has detected bare breasts in the film. But wait there is more!! A scaling system has been installed to inform you of what you will see.
Juggtastic: This is the Alpha and Omega! A tremendous display of tits in both quantity and quality...Breathtaking!
Chestacular: A fantastic sight to behold!
Boob-a-licious: Not so much quantity, but a masterful representation of the sublime. Usually includes some sort of lubrication (water, K-Y, mud, etc.) applied to some ravishing set!
Knockeramadingdong: An obscene amount of tits are shown. It's as right as rain!
Nipplerific: This is where we are treated to a tight shot of the girl and her bombs. May include suckling of the teat from a second party.
Nipplerific with a Twist: This is the rare occasion when the close up is so extreme, no other person's head is included in the shot.
Mamillrageous: Usually found in comedies where breasts are used as a punch line or to heighten the comedy.
Udderly Disturbing: A tit disaster caught on film in which the director has obviously lost his or her mind! Temporary blindness may occur because clothing has been removed form a chest God did not intend to be seen!
Enjoy my friends!
Fletch is a killing word!
Once again I found myself scrambling to buy movies that I never dreamed would be a part of my cinematic library. Why you ask? If you haven't guessed already, it's Seagal week! Somehow the Midwestern native known as Seven Seagal has managed to carve out a nice little niche for himself in the martial arts genre of movie making. If you somehow haven't had time this week to get your Bad Movie Knights fix, I suggest you go back and savor our celebration of the Aikido master extraordinaire, Seven Seagal. Pat's passion to examine the enigma that is Seagal may even provoke you into an impulse purchase of one of these beauties. Come on, satisfy that guilty pleasure of watching senseless, bone-crunching, arm-snapping, action adventure! I promise you, after reading our reviews you'll ask yourself why you've denied the sweetness that is Seagal for so long! Enjoy my fellow Knights!
Above the Law
Hard to Kill
Today You Die
Driven to Kill
Fletch is a killing word!
What better way to end Seagal week than with a look at one of his latest efforts, and thus better determine the growth of this amazing actor and martial artist. Sadly, since his debut in 1988 the only thing that has grown is Seagal's waistline. Holy Shit! I thought Scotty from Star Trek ballooned up, but I think Seagal actually got fatter as this movie progressed. The movie in question? The 2005 epic Today You Die.
To date, Today You Die has got to be the worst movie Seagal has ever done. Although that is arguable. Seagal stars as Harlan Banks, a thief who is attempting to walk the straight and narrow at the behest of his girlfriend, and promises he will only do one more job. Predictably this last job goes south fast, and Banks ends up getting arrested and thrown in jail. All a clever frame up by the architect of the job Max, played by Kevin Tighe (star of and owner of the Double Deuce from Roadhouse!). While in jail, Banks is hunted by some of Max's men, but he manages to make some friends, and orchestrate his escape. Once out, he goes on a one man mission (even though he is receiving help from his friend Treech, played by rap star Ice Kool, I swear I'm not bullshitting you, and some lady cop who works for some corrupt asshole) to fight all the way to exact his revenge on Max.
I could elaborate on the story more, but honestly, watching it once was bad enough, and to detail it for you here would only send me into a seizure. Regardless, the plot while pointless, and perfect for Bad Movie Knights, was not what makes this movie so great! As I said earlier Seagal has grown. Perhaps I didn't make it clear how big the man has gotten. I can only assume when he showed up on set the Director Don E. FauntLeRoy must have felt similiar to Coppola when Brando arrived for the filming of Apocolypse Now (actually FaultLeRoy wishes he could feel like that....no my friend you will direct Seagal movies forever...5 and counting so far)....fat, out of shape, and physically unable to perform. Rumor has it that Brando was so fat, that Coppola had to cut out the fight sequence between him and Sheen at the finale of the film. The reason I make this comparison, is that Seagal doesn't perform any of the fight sequences in this movie. What the fuck is that all about? That's like having a Sharon Stone movie without her vagina hanging out or an Adrien Brody movie where he's not an ugly fuck. Seagal's stunt double engages in all of the fight sequences for the heavy weight star, and the scenes are then peppered with some cleverly edited closeups of Seagal grimacing (probably from gas). I probably wouldn't have taken issue with this had I not noticed it, but let's throw out a few basics when using stunt doubles. First, try and get them to have a similiar hairstyle, and when possible match the color. Second, and this is a biggy, physically, they should appear the same from behind. Not so in Today You Die. Not only is this man 100 pounds lighter, but he is easily a foot taller. It's hard to suspend disbelief when Seagal is suddenly in shape and stretched during a fight and then short and portly seconds after said confrontation.
Also, we know the man looks like Kirstie Alley now.....there's no need to hide it. Unless he is wearing some state of the art girdle that is masking even more tonage, there really is no need to show him in a large leather trench coat throughtout the movie. In the winter, sure...sensible clothing choice, but in the blazing sun of Vegas......yeah not so much. Even after his incarcerration, all of the inmates are sporting the standard blues.....not Seagal....a finely tailored denim overcoat is his fashion statement.
After watching Today You Die my only thought was.....quick take a shower. Actually, I was baffled as to why Seagal was even in this movie. Normally he would be brought in for his trademark Aikido skills but they weren't seen in this movie. So why? His name? Hiring Seagal to be in your movie for name recognition is probably as stupid as casting Adam West in your film to increase box office draw. What kind of jackass would do that?!?
If you are completely bored out of your mind, and don't have a copy of the Accused handy, then by all means, enjoy Today You Die. Not only is it the title of this feature, but perhaps a 'Ring' like prediction of what will happen to you if you view this movie. I can't believe I referenced the Ring.....Naomi Watts you talentless whore!
Hamlin Grade: 2
TImothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
All aboard! For terrorist activities on the high seas, that is! Welcome to Steven Seagal's 1992 classic, Under Siege. Seagal cuts off that sweet ponytail of his to portray Petty Cook Officer Casey Ryback on the USS Missouri. Wait, Seagal a cook? Cooks can't fight. Surprise, surprise, he's not a cook, he's an ex-Navy SEAL who just happens to cook. Right! Seagal's martial arts are pushed to the extreme as he is pitted against the lethal acting skills of Bad Movie Knights poster boy, Gary Busey. If that wasn't enough, add the ham on rye in the form of Tommy Lee Jones. Jones, Busey, Seagal....are you kidding me? I wish I was. With this power trio of over-actors, Under Siege is so wrong it almost seems right. Crazy (Busey) and Nuts (Jones) are pissed off government men who are fed up with rules and regulations and decide to take over a US battleship. Everything is going according to plan except for one little oversight...the cook (Seagal!) Yes my Friends, it's just like Die Hard with one original twist, it's on a ship. Brilliant! Now, let's add a woman's touch to this vessel of testosterone. I'm proud to present Erika Eleniak! Her shinning moment in which she pops out of a cake kicks our Tit Counter into action, and her contributions to this picture make her a candidate for an Ironside Agenda. They may not be real, but they're fantastic!
Although there are many futile attempts at comic relief in this movie, the most amusing line was not intended to provoke laughter. It's a statement uttered by the Admiral after hearing a communication filled with an abundance of gunfire aboard the battleship he knows to be under the control of terrorists. Ready? "There's a lot of trouble aboard that ship." Ya think?
What else can I say about Under Siege? It's a blatant Die Hard rip off which exists solely for the purpose of giving Seagal a stage on which to display his Aikido skills, and a medium in which to expand his theatrical skills to the point where he almost reaches MacGyver proportions. "The Navy, it's not just a job, it's an adventure!" An adventure in mediocrity! Busey, Jones, Seagal! I just like saying that.
Fletch is a killing word!
It's Wednesday, and unless you are a complete moron, or Fletch, you may have noticed a theme developing over the last few reviews. If you haven't figured it out at this point.....we are balls deep in Seagal........week. The Knights of the Bad Movie have decided to tackle the films of one of Hollywood's most versatile and accomplished actors....Steven Seagal. Rather than continue chronologically through Seagal's resume, I thought we would jump forward and explore some of Seagal's more recent work..... Exit Wounds.
In 2001, Exit Wounds marked the last time Seagal would appear on the big screen (at least in the U.S., as the rest of his films went direct to video or dvd). His stock was apparently dropping following the turn of the century so rather than carry the weight of the film on his shoulders he shared the burden with recording artist DMX. Exit Wounds also boasts an impressive supporting cast (for a Seagal picture) that includes Michael Jai White (the gentleman who played Spawn), Jill Hennessy (of television's Crossing Jordan fame, and of course Komodo), Tom Arnold, Anthony Anderson (who while being one of the funniest guys I've seen around lately, has quited possibly starred in more movies in the last 5 years than Ben Stiller, and at the same time, managed to prevent himself from being Stillered), and of course Bruce McGill (one of Animal House's stars, Daniel 'D-Day' Simpson Day...who would have thought that he and Kevin Bacon would be the only actors to go onto successful movie careers after this classic?).
Exit Wounds begins by painting Seagal's character Orin Boyd, as the typical rogue cop who doesn't get along with his superiors. While being a thorn in the side of his chief however, he does get results and is extremely resourceful. Boyd, arrives at the opening of the film to a speech being given by the Vice President of the United States who is promoting a stronger stance on gun control. Boyd, typical of his 'rogueness' arrives late much to the disdain of his chiefs, and catches the tail end of the speech. However on entering the audience area he does notice suspicious behavior being displayed by a few of the cops who are part of the V.P.'s motorcade. One of them is sporting an earring! Classic bad guy calling card! Earrings = Evil!
Being the tough rogue cop that he is, Boyd trails the motorcade which is eventually intercepted by a helicopter sporting some hefty artillery, which provides support to the imposter motorcycle cops who were part of the motorcade. Their objective is to kill the Vice President because he threatens to take away their fire arms through tougher legislation. Boyd arrives on the scene with a 9 millimeter (that has limitless ammo) and begins firing away at bad guys, depositing a minimum of 3 to 4 bullets within each. He commandeers a Chinese delivery truck and mows down one bad guy, which would have been a really sweet shot had the mannequin used in the cut not fallen apart as it hit the curb. Using another fake cop as a shield to protect himself and the V.P., Boyd kills his final adversary, and then turns his attention to the gun toting chopper. The sound effects guy really messed up in this scene because Boyd is firing a pistol, but the sound coming from it, was a fully automatic uzi, or mach 10, and the rate of fire was ridiculous. I'm sure Fletch has a buddy who specializes in weapons and combat tactics (to go along with his shark expert, and mountain climbing guru) that will say I'm wrong and that this is completely normal....to which I can only say, good call sir, thank you for pointing out my errors (if the guy knows about guns and hand to hand combat he would certainly fuck me up), and the next time we meet I would like to purchase all of your beers. After firing 50 rounds from his gun that can only hold 16 (15 in the clip, 1 in the pipe), we cut to a close up of bullets piercing a piece of sheet metal, followed by a marvelously detailed remote control helicopter exploding! No expense spared here.
After saving the Vice President, you would expect Office Boyd to be showered with awards and accolades, however this is just not to be. His chief and captain were upset about the way he handled the situation (of course because he's too violent) and try to fire him. Thanks to excellent union representation, the best they can do is transfer him to the 15th Precinct, located in the shittiest part of Detroit (funny I thought all of Detroit was the shittiest part of Detroit). Ummm assholes he saved the fucking Vice President of the United States from being assassinated! The whole premise of this movie is bullshit. Any cop doing what he did, would have been set for life! Ok so we must, as usual suspend disbelief, and follow this trail of tears story along with our hero Boyd.
Along with his transfer, he is also rewarded by being forced to attend anger management classes where he meets TV personality Henry Wayne (played by Tom Arnold), who later becomes Boyd's intelligence gatherer through his network of unnamed sources. Boyd, being the rogue bad ass cop that he is, begins to suspect there is a certain level of corruption hidden within the walls of the 15th Precinct, and begins his one man assault in search of truth, justice and arms broken at the elbow.
While Boyd has fallen on hard times, a young entrepreneur named Latrell Walker (played by DMX) is hitting full stride. Purchasing a brand new Lamborghini (or it could have been a ferrari, either way this car is sweet and I'm sure Tom Selleck would love to use it to run down Higgins and his two annoying dogs), Walker is in the midst of setting up a monster drug deal. He is so well financed that he has managed to purchase a few cops within the 15th Precinct....so Boyd's suspicions are based on some truth.
On his way home from anger management, after tooling on a group of thugs trying to boost his truck, Boyd spots T.K. Johnson (played by Anthony Anderson) spying on a building with a pair of binoculars and moves in. T.K. being the right hand man of Walker, immediately announces the presence of the police, and within the building Walker and his counterpart, cease their drug deal, and begin to flee...not before Boyd can get in there and lay a little sweet aikido on their asses however! Boyd faces off against Walker and the kid manages to hold his own against the martials arts expert with a combination of creative acrobatics and street fighting skills. Walker however does manage to escape, but Boyd is able to subdue the other gentleman involved in the deal. Much to Boyd's embarrassment he discovers that this man was an undercover cop named Matt Montini trying to make a drug bust.
Once again Officer Boyd has to eat a big fat shit sandwich, and this time he gets to enjoy it from the view of a traffic cop.....whistle, white gloves and all. Man does this guys life suck rabid donkey ass! I think if he had killed the Vice President his life wouldn't have been as bas as this!
The humiliation isn't finished by a long shot. Returning from his street corner management duties, he arrives in the Precinct Locker room to find the troops playing their own version of the TV show Jackass. Actually I think this show would be called Asshole. Taking turns, the cops play the who has the biggest cock game by tazing each other with a ....simple ....hand....tazer. Mortini and some jacked up Norwegian call Boyd out to try their reindeer games, but he declines. After some coaxing, Boyd agrees to be tazed at the same level as the Scandanavian, yet unbeknownst to him, the large man sets the tazer to full power. Boyd manages to handle the blast for a few moments before dropping to his knees. He recovers and beats the ass out of the giant. Before the fight can escalate further, Officer Lewis Strutt (played by Michael Jai White) breaks up the altercation. Strutt, welcomes Boyd, and explains that the new guys alway get hazed.....Hazing by Tazing! Great!
Redemption however is at hand. Boyd stumbles upon a heroin heist, at a facility used to store evidence and helps rescue several hostages. After viewing the security tapes he suspects the job was perpetrated by insiders and convinces his new Captain Annette Mulcahy (played by Jill Hennessy) to bump him up to patrol. He is united with his new partner George Clark and they begin to investigate Walker and T.K. through some good old fashion foot work, and through the intelligence connections of his TV and anger management buddy Henry Wayne. They make a startling discovery about Walker. Much like a Transformer, there is more than meets the eye! OK, total geek-check there, but more than appropriate! Latrell Walker is in fact a billionaire, and a computer programming genius, and a beneficiary of the dot.com era prior to it's demise. Walker also takes time to visit a local jail to spend time with Shaun Rollins, who it turns out is Walker's brother.
Boyd looking for answers, confronts Walker after an attempt is made on his life by the 15th Precinct's finest. Boyd and Walker throw down again, and once again Walker manages to hold his own. I have to give credit to Seagal, and the filmmakers here. This is the first time Seagal has ever faced off against an opponent that could actually provide him with a fight. Most of Seagal's counterparts, even the main bad guys at the end, offer up little to no resistance (Mabel King fighting Fletch scenario) thus leaving us unsatisfied. True, in an actual fight, Seagal would probably wear DMX's ass as a hat, but it was nice to see one of Seagal's characters actually have to break a sweat. After a few brief exchanges, Walker stops the fight and decides to explain to Boyd what he is all about. His operation is not about drug running, but rather the collection of video evidence of dirty cops. He is building a case to free his brother Shaun who was framed by the dirty cops on a fake drug charge. Walker has used his high tech computer skills to collect the video and plans to not only deliver it to the police, but broadcast the feed over the internet! Porn without the payoff! Sweeet!
Boyd views the current footage and sees Strutt, Mortini, and even the giant Norwegian all engaged in extra-curricular activities that are anything but legal. Boyd accompanies Walker to the drug buy he had previously setup with Strutt and they prepare to drop the hammer on them. Fortuanately for us, Seagal again has to face off against an adversary that is on par with him physically and perhaps as experienced a fighter in Strutt. They have an excellent battle though a garment factory, while silmultaneously Walker throws down with Mortini. Walker and Boyd both prove equal to the task by impaling their opponents on metal objects. Mortini throught the throat with a giants sewing needle, and Strutt threw the back on top of a Chimney pipe. Nice work and excellent balance gentlemen!
By saving the day, Boyd's former chief offers him a transfer back to his old department, and a blow job (just kidding about the blow job, but I still think it was implied in the body language), and he also free's Walker's brother from prison. Yes! Everyone is happy, so let's bust into a DMX tune shall we?
Exit Wounds is a bittersweet end to the big screen career of Seagal, who after this movie has since gone on a direct to dvd rampage the likes of which no one has ever seen. In Exit Wounds I think Seagal was actually beginning to swallow his pride and share center stage some more. Granted he took a supporting role in Executive Decision, which I still think was a good move for him, but it didn't really pay dividends....not at the level he was expecting anyway. The most important thing he was adressing was one of the biggest flaws in all of his movies. He was creating adversaries that would be worthy of fighting him, and getting away from this 'Superman' complex of his (let's be honest, all of the Superman movies blew ass, except for Superman 2.....why? Because he fought three people capable of killing him.....rather than a bald dude and a short fat guy who once spent time getting raped on the banks of a river) that allowed the fights to be more balanced and less one sided. Too little too late? Perhaps, but I still have stack of direct to dvd Seagal flicks to go through.....so maybe a lesson was learned? Who the fuck am I kidding?
Hamlin Grade: 3.5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
Hard to Kill marks the return of Steven Seagal after he made his big screen debut in the 1988 classic Above the Law. I have to give credit where it's due here. Seagal really kicks some ass in this movie. Granted every fight is blatantly setup to maximize the exposure of his martial arts skills, (I believe Aikido is his art of choice, correct me if I'm wrong dorks) but when he starts tossing bad guys around and breaking their elbows and wrists with a variety of joint locks, it really doesn't matter.
Once again playing a police officer, this time named Mason Storm, he uncovers a politicians evil plot and eventually brings down the wrath of the law and mob on himself and his family in an effort to silence him. Mason Storm video tapes Vernon Trent (played by Bill Sadler), who is running for a seat in the Senate, cutting a deal with the mob to rub out his opponent and guarantee his election. Unfortunately for Storm, his cover is blown by some very corrupt cops in his department, and he and his family are Marked for Death (title of yet another classic Seagal film)!
Prior to returning home, Storm stops at a liquor store to obtain some spirits to enjoy with his wife while they watch the Oscars. While making his purchase, after a brief exchange with the store's owner, a group of shotgun toting bad guys enter.....their goals are immediately apparent. After pillaging the cash box, they shoot the clerk and prepare to do battle with Storm. Big error! This is the standard setup I was referring to earlier. The hoods could have just shot him, but why do that when they could fight him instead? Another great thing about this scene is that there are mats layed out all over the floors of the liquor store, in preparation for this martial arts demonstration. Storm kicks the shit out of three of them easily, and earns a shotgun as reward for his work, before facing his final opponent, a well tattooed gentleman played by Robert LaSardo. You've most certainly met Mr. LaSardo as he is typically cast as a thug, bad guy, criminal, or in this case 'punk'. Standing before Storm with only a knife, this is where any smart individual would flee. I mean he just beat the crap out of your buddies who were holding guns, and you are gonna fight him with a 5 inch knife? The punk however does not heed my advice. Storm in the first of many instances put's his rifle away as he deems it 'unfair', and takes him on hand to hand, and eventually tosses him through a display case of finely aged Scotch. An act that still to this day makes Fletch weep.
Returning home with his bottle of aphrodisiac, Storm liquors up his wife, and gets her ready for some sweet sweet love. Their night ends abruptly as Trent's henchmen enter the Storm household and turn their sex session into full blown orgy. Storm is shot twice and watches as his wife is killed before he passes out. His boy Sonny manages to escape through a window.
At the hospital which is populated with police, feds, internal affairs and even Vernon Trent who cleverly gives an emotional news broadcast that reduces him to tears.....diverting any attention away from him and his men. Storm is pronounced dead and the police make their ways to the exit, all except for Storm's friend Lt. O'Malley. Just before leaving O'Malley is grabbed by a doctor who says Storm now has a pulse and is in a coma. O'Malley quickly gathers the hospital staff, and proceeds to hide the fact that he is still alive and prepares to put Storm into his own personal witness protection program.
We find Storm many years later in the coma ward of a hospital where he is labelled a John Doe. Under the care and supervision of Nurse Andy Stewart (played by then wife Kelly LeBrock) she pines for the day he will one day wake because like any good nurse takes timeout to repeatedly check out his penis....to which she can only respond...'PLEASE WAKE UP'. There is little doubt in my mind that Nurse Stewart has ridden the coma hog in the past.
As luck would have it, Storm finally does arise from his deep sleep, and Nurse Stewart, moist with excitement, follows the instructions left by O'Malley. Unfortunately O'Malley has since left the department, so her phone call is intercepted by Trent's corrupt police officers who immediately plan to finish him off.
Barely escaping from the hospital, Stewart takes Storm to a secluded ranch home that she is house sitting for a doctor on research in China, Storm plans his revenge. He begins training in a very well equipped gym, a conveniently located mountain for running, and sets up a crude heavy bag like device made of a plank of wood wrapped in hemp and driven into the ground. Enter training montage.
Storm returns to his old house which is currently under new ownership, and also being sold. Pretending to be a potential buyer, he makes his way to the kitchen, and begins punching through the sheetrock within an alcove that at one time held the refrigerator. Behind the sheetrock wall, is the video camera and tapes that contain the evidence of Vernon Trent and his mafia friends cutting deals years earlier. Ok, lets break this down.....after obtaining some wine at the liquor store and returning home, he says "Honey, let me get you something to drink", which is a clever ploy to hide his camera, Storm pulls the refrigerator out, cuts a hole in the wall, places the camera and evidence behind the wall, replaces the sheetrock, spackles and tapes the sheetrock, waits 6 hours for the spackle to cure, then paints the wall so it appears as though its never been damaged, returns the refrigerator to it's original position, and then delivers the promised glass of wine to his wife moments later. Suspend disbelief? Or total bullshit?
After some clever detective work by Nurse Stewart, she finally makes contact with Storm's old friend Lt. O'Malley, via his mother. O'Malley has kept Storm's boy Sonny safe from harm since he escaped through the house window. Now reunited with his old friend, and knowledge of his still living child, Storm does the only thing he can. He works out. Enter second training montage. This montage ends with a twist however. Stewart enters the work out room, sporting a tight cocktail dress and brandishing a rose which she offers to Storm. "I thought you could use a rose", says Stewart, which as you all know is code for "Make me feel like a whore". Storm, gentleman that he is, obliges.
Fresh off a good work out and banging, Storm is ready to finish off Senator Vernon Trent (yes he was succesfully elected after Storm was taken out, the mob proceeded with their plans to remove Trent's political opponent....very similiar to how our current President won his first election). Easily breaking into Trent's mansion ( by breaking a basement window.....ummmm.....nice alarm system....ok suspend disbelief), Storm makes his way through the house from floor to floor, fighting bad guys along the way (thing Kung Fu the video game) including a sweet billiards room fight, that provides us with many examples of the versatility of the pool cue.
After a storm of beatings (I'm here all week!), Storm finally finds his wife's killer Senator Trent. The final battle is anything but. It's a rather one sided beating, as Storm tortures Trent for a few rounds prior to finishing him off. As Storm prepares to kill him, the cops bust into the mansion and reveal that they have seen his video and arrest Trent.
The rest of the movie is an overblown display of police officers and news reporters sucking off Storm and announcing to the world how fucking great he is. Hard To Kill is definitely one of Seagal's finer on screen moments, and accomplishments. As far as martial artist's go, his acting is probably among the best, I know that's not saying much, but when compared to the likes of Van Damme, Don 'The Dragon' Wilson, Jet Li, and Jackie Chan (in fairness to all of them, English is their second language), Seagal is an Academy Award winner. Seagal is good, but he is no Dolph Lundgren. Dolph Dolph.
Hamlin Grade: 4.5
TImothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
In 1988, Hollywood introduced us to a little known martial artist named Steven Seagal in a movie called Above the Law. Seagal, became famous in the martial arts world, as being the first Westerner to open a dojo in Japan after studying there for years (this could be total bullshit, but it's what I've heard, and rather than deny it's truth, I'm carrying it on like the good Bard that I am) which is briefly touched on in a dramatization during the opening of Above the Law. Seagal presented us with a new style of fighting called Aikido, that is drastically different and sometimes much more brutal than the techniques employed by then martial art stars Jean Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren and William Shatner.
Above the Law follows the exploits of Detective Nico Toscani of the Chicago Police Department. Toscani and ex- CIA operative (a theme that is carried out in almost every Seagal film following this one as a means to explain his extraordinary skills as a fighter, similiar to how Van Damme usually plays characters with ties to Belgium, France or New Orleans to explain his ridiculously thick and uncomprehensible accent) who left the agency after coming to blows with an asshole named Zagon (played by Bad Movie Knights favorite Henry Silva) in Vietnam. He is protected by his friend and the man who recruited him Nelson Fox (played by Chelcie Ross, the star pitcher from Major League, Ed Harris...remember "Hey Bartender, Jobu needs a refill!"). Little did Toscani know that he would one day have to face off against Zagon again.....but as fans of Henry Silva, we knew he would be much more than just a 3 minute cameo in this classic.
While off duty, Nico goes looking for his neice who is apparently a total whore and his shacked up with some drug dealer who lives above a shady downtown bar. In order to gain access to the drug dealer's pad, Detective Toscani, must first pound the ass out of all the bar patrons below.....and pound ass he does. After sufficiently beating down everyone, including his future nephew, the young man begins detailing the plans for a major drug deal that will take place in the meat packing district (no not Tom Cruise's house...that's in L.A).
Nico and his partner Jax (played by Pam Grier) along with most of his department, and the feds intercept the bust which is being orchestrated by Salvano (imagine a Latino Dudley Moore if you will) and discover that this transaction did not involve drugs at all. Buried within an engine block are plastic explosives called C-4, preferred weapon of the enemy,...no wait that's the AK-47 assault rifle. Thanks Clint!
After succesfully busting Salvano and his boys, the Feds intercede and take over the case. Reason being is that Salvano is a mole being used by the FBI to testify against a larger organization. The Feds ask the Chicago Police Force to stand down, and like any good cop Detective Toscani tells them to go fuck themselves. Try that at your job sometime when you disagree with something in a big corporate meeting. I assure you it will go over well.
Waging a one man war against Salvano, the Feds, and the CIA, Toscani faces all manner of obstacles which eventually bring about his arrest, and suspension from the force. His family (his wife is played by a 'pre-check out my vagina' Sharon Stone) is threatened so he has to hide them away while he goes into hiding to continue his investigation.
While on the lam, Toscani has several great man dances. First with a group of gentleman that arrive in a convertible Cadillac with a variety of creative weapons....including a machete.....this scene is basically Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, except the weapons are held by assholes, rather than the structure of the dome. Why is there always a dude with a gun that refuses to shoot? Granted if he killed Seagal the movie would be over, but who wouldn't shoot? Of course, machete man is dissarmed (literally!, he gets his arm cut off), and the rest of the gang are felled by a series of patented Seagal joint locks. The second group of douchebags heed my advice and open fire immediately on Toscani in his car. Of course he manages to slip free, and emerges behind the vehicle with his pistol drawn. 6 guys with machine guns....one skinny pony tail sporting guy with a pistol.....ummmm shoot? Of course not.....they all lay their weapons on the deck, and rather than have them lay down on the ground alongside their discarded firearms, Toscani escorts them into a tiny convenience store. What happens next is fairly predictable, because the fight mats have been thrown down all over the shop. This is a Seagal standard! Safety first! The mats are placed where ever his stunt men may be dropping, and by no means does it take away from the stupidity of the maneuver to bring these gentlemen into this shop for the sole purpose of eventually engaging them in close quarters combat. That being said....he fucks them all up, and makes sure he destroys every part of the store including the Slushee machine.
Toscani eventually discovers that Salvano is not just a small time drug dealer turned gun runner, but rather a cog in a larger machine that is the CIA. This agency has been funding wars (because we all know war is good business and very profitable....ask our President and Vice President!) and is preparing to begin another campaign, but a straight and narrow Senator is blocking their efforts. Thus in order to commence with their plans, Zagon is brought in to take out the senator.....see...full circle.
Toscani is the only thing standing in the way of Mr. Zagon and the agency's plans so they capture him on the eve of the operation. Bound to a chair, Toscani is beaten by Zagon, merely for entertainment, and even administers his 'truth serum' (I'm guessing it's sodium pentathol....it's the method I prefer when I'm conducting interrogations.... that and a massaging the cheakbones liberally with a phone book wrapped in burlap) prior to pulling out a blade to finish him off. Like most typical bad guys Zagon, drones on and on about how huge his dick is, and right before he goes to take care of Toscani.....he's loose. In a matter of moments, Toscani is on his adversaries and kills them all, saving Zagon for last, whom he then smashes his nose, slowly does that cool arm break thing, and then the old reverse head lock neck snap......fucking sweet!
Above the Law all in all is worth a viewing on your bad movie night. Granted I've seen much worse, and for a first timer, Seagal isn't too bad. In fact he out classed Sharon Stone who was fresh off the sets of Action Jackson (what the fuck happened to Carl Weathers? I suspect he really died when the Predator killed him....sad days my friends) and Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (HAHAHAHHA...oh wait, Guttenberg was in that one....ok yer still cool), but in fairness to her, as I said earlier, she didn't really hit her stride till she began acting with her vagina. Frankly, I couldn't think of better way of spending an afternoon than watching Seagal beat the shit out of dudes all day (other than watching the rape scene from The Accused over and over again)....forget the story, forget the acting, and tell the director to just shut the fuck up.....go Steve....yer up!
Hamlin Grade: 4
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
Last week I was staring at my collection of shitty movies, which is growing at a cancerous rate mind you....and I came across an unopened vhs cassette. This unviewed gem was the Don 'The Dragon' Wilson classic, Bloodfist 2. I know, I know, I asked myself the same question. Why the fuck would I intentionally purchase this bad movie? Frankly you could say the same thing about every movie I have obtained and reviewed for you.....but Bloodfist 2?!? Surely I don't hate myself enough to sit through another Don 'The Dragon' Wilson epic. Or do I? Will viewing this movie be my pennance for wanting to rest forever within the well oiled arms of Patrick Swayze? Or was there a higher agenda so well calculated, that I merely forgot the genius of my plan? As it turns out...yes.
Curiosity, and a small amount of self loathing got the better of me, so Bloodfist 2 found its way into my VCR. For the record, this is the second time I've viewed a Don 'The Dragon' Wilson movie, the first being Ring of Fire 2: Blood and Steal, and this is also the second time I've not watched the previous installment of the film, opting in favor of the sequel. What is perhaps even more incredible is that there are actually 8 Bloodfists! I shit you not. What is more amazing still is the not so subtle gay undertones that the titles of these movies suggest....Ring of Fire, and Bloodfist? I defy you not to find titles like this in the adult section of Fletch's favorite video store (or in his personal porn collection).
Like any Don 'The Dragon' Wilson movie, Bloodfist 2 starts off with the big guy sporting his trademark mullet (not quite Melmet strength, but the lad does have potential) and abs, while beating the ass out of his opponent. Mr. Wilson stars as Jake Raye, a prize Kickoxer who is battling for the championship belt. He is clearly winning the fight, but something strange happens to his opponent during the fight that will change his life forever. His counterpart is given a drug (which we will find out more about later) that prevents him from feeling any pain. In the hands of a more effective fighter, this would perhaps be an advantage, however against Jake Raye, it just delays the inevitable. The beating continues on, and Raye shows concern that he is killing the man who just won't fall. After several well choreographed strikes, his opponent collapses to the mat and dies. Raye having just won the title, expresses his dissapointment, and pulls a page from every Tom Cruise movie, by retiring....quitting his sport forever, rather than face adversity! Great lesson kids!
Some time passes, and we find Jake Raye living the good life with a $2 whore (and that is being really generous) in a shitty apartment highlighted by the neon glow of a restaurant sign conveniently suspended outside of his window. Jake recieves a phone call from his friend Vinny (unfortunately the call came after the union with the whore) who explains that he is in Manila and in a great deal of trouble. Jake leaves immediately to help his friend.
When he arrives in the Far East, he visits a dojo where Vinny supposedly trained. Typical training type environment, with a ring, exercise equipment and of course multiple heavy bags.....and here we find the answer to the riddle. Striking away at one of these heavy bags is Sal Taylor, played by a Mr. Timothy D. Baker. It took me a few moments, but finally I recognized the man and the reason why this pile of shit was sitting in video collection. Timothy Baker is not only a world reknowned martial artist and kickboxing champion, but his greatest credit, is that he played Tom Stillwell, Jason's father in No Retreat No Surrender. I just can't seem to let this movie go. Unlike his previous cast members Mr. Baker continued to act until 1997, and is still somewhat of a pillar of the Hollywood community as a media director who helps outfit some of todays top television programs with original music. Mr. Baker once again brings his 'A' game and delivers a performance on par with that of his previous one in No Retreat No Surrender.
Jake Raye, unable to find his friend Vinny, does however find trouble in the form of mafia henchmen. Of course there is series of beatings at the hands of Raye, he is eventually felled by superior numbers and kidnapped. Upon reviving from a pistol whipping induced nap, Jake realizes that he has been rounded up with a large group of former and current martial arts superstars (apparently in real life most of the guys are real bad asses, but I think you really have to be in 'the know' to recognize them....or just read the back of the movie's box). Their captor finally reveals himself and his sadistic plans for them. They have been take to the island fortress of the evil Mr. Su. He has arranged a tournament, in which these martial artists will have to battle against his fighters to the death, in front of his wealthy friends for entertainment. Su also has an alterior motive, and secret which could prove deadly to the fighters. His combatants will be using a drug, a steroid of sorts, that is completely undetectable, and takes effect shortly after ingestion. This is the same drug the fighter that Jake Raye killed in the beginning of this nightmare took. The steroid, not only makes the man stronger, but impervious to pain. Su is using the tournament as a means to market the drug to his gambling friends so they can fix future fights.
In the arena, Jake Raye has discovered his buddy Vinny, has betrayed him, and actually lured him here to fight in the tournament. Vinny is now in the employ of Su, and is one of his fighters. One by one, the fighters enter the arena as Su and his friends place wagers, and one by one, the kidnapped martial artist are killed. Until Sal Taylor steps into the ring! Yes my boy Tim Baker does it again! He is the first fighter to turn the tide and defeat his steroid raged opponent, giving hope to his fellow captors. The next few fighters appear to follow Sal's lead, until Vinny jumps into the ring and quickly kills the fighter. Jake enters the ring and calls out Vinny and the two try and act their way through a Ben Kenobi / Anakin Skywalker 'you betrayed me sequence' style sequence.....and actually do a better job than Ewan MacGregor and Hayden Christansen did (although that isn't saying much). Jake eventually defeats Vinny and kills him, and then rallies the prisoners to a full scale revolt.
Important note. If you are surrounded by 50 guys with automatic rifles, all you need is karate to defeat them. Bullets are no match for a well placed spinning crescent kick....I always say. Essentially this plucky crew of martial artists punch, kick and spout cheesy lines en route to their freedom....which is glorified in a beautifully framed crane shot. Bloodfist 2 is exactly what you should expect it to be. A massive helping of freshly toasted shit. How they continued this movie onto Bloodfist 8: Trained to Kill, is mind boggling. This marks the last time (and I really mean it) that I will ever view a Don 'The Dragon' Wilson movie. It will also be the last time we memorialize a cast member from No Retreat No Surrender, not so much because of desire, but thankfully, most of the cast went back to cooking french fries at your favorite fast food establishment.....a career that none of them should have left.
Hamlin Grade: 3
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
The Melmet (inspired by the lovely and very flexible Cornelius) is a tribute to when hairstyles go from bad, to just plain fucking out of line. Sporting some of the worst lids Hollywood has ever witnessed, Mel Gibstein is the paramount offender of this elite circle of follicle marauders.
Whether he is fighting the Brits, freeing the Scots, dispatching mutant Australians, playing a cop, or being dragged from his car by cops, you will always find the Melmet.
TImothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
Last year superstar director Peter Jackson presented us with his dream project, a re-make of the 1933 classic King Kong. Coming off of a successful 5 year campaign that saw the J.R.R. Tolkien, Lord of the Rings novels finally realized on the big screen, Jackson turned to King Kong which became a labor of love. His vision of King Kong for the viewer however, is a labor to watch.
Tipping the Costner-esque chronology scales at a whopping 187 minutes, watching King Kong not only requires a truckload of patience, but also a brown bag lunch, and a catheter to assist in the evacaution of bodily fluids. The movie opens painfully slow, gets moving and then breaks hard into the inevitable climax which arrives with a satisfying sigh of relief.
Setup for a film this historied is almost uneccessary, yet Jackson spends the first hour of the film trying to develop characters and relationships as well as painting a gloomy portrait of the 1930's era in which the Great Depression still loomed. This hour could have been edited down to a palatable 15 minutes en route to Skull Island where the bulk of the movie time should have been focused. This is just not to be however, so we must endure the hardships of young starving actress named Ann Darrow, played by the ultra-irritating Naomi Watts (of The Ring fame...which sucked donkey ass, and The Ring 2, which no one saw...including her), the financial dilemmas of director Carl Denham and ultimately not give a shit about either one...just show us the giant fucking monkey already!
When we do finally arrive at Skull Island, over an hour into King Kong,(which is really the only badge of honor of this film and the only reason to watch it.....you should turn it off as soon as this sequence ends) we are treated to eye candy. Finally! Peter Jackson creates a Skull Island that looks like Jurassic Park on crack! Dinosaurs everywhere, giant insects, and island natives so whack that National Geographic photographers would salivate over. This is where Jackson rocks out with his cock out, and as I said earlier, should have spent more time exploring this world.
Of course Ann Darrow finally comes face to face with Kong, and we get our first view of this magnificent giant. Jackson and his team's vision of Kong is superb. Taking on a much more gorilla like appearance, rather than the dude on loan from the Godzilla set in an ape costume look the previous two movies gave us (did anyone actually sit through King Kong Lives? holy shit what a mess.....and I still hate that Against All Odds hair and beard that Jeff Bridges sported in the first re-make.....the same look Peter Horton of the television series 30 Something still wears....guess what douche-bag...you're 50 Something now, and I'm more famous than you....I digress), this Kong is to date, the most realistic. Using some very cool motion capture of Andy Serkis (the same gentleman who brought us Golem in Lord of the Rings) the folks at Weta Workshop and Weta Digital (who are in my mind doing work that is exceeding the standards set by Industrial Light and Magic) present us with a King Kong that is by far the greatest fantasy creature portrayed in film to date. Not since Jurassic Park have we been delighted with dinosaurs on this scale either. Jackson does take it several steps further, by not only showing the creatures but making them the feature of several major action sequences. The stampeding Brontosaurs sequence was excellent, although a bit goofy in areas, still managed to produce some wildly imaginitive shots. The killer insect scene required an unblinking pair of eyes in order to effectively swallow all of the action provided. Which brings me to the T-Rex versus Kong battle.
Probably one of the most epic confrontations in film next to Jason battling Jean Claude Van Damme in No Retreat No Surrender, the T-Rex / Kong fight is a throw-down of historic proportions (which the dickheads in the original re-make saw fit to remove in favor of a giant python...what the fuck were you thinking?). The outcome of this fight is one that I have had issue with since I was a small boy. I've never made a secret for my love of dinosaurs or of their prehistoric king the Tyrannosaurus Rex. Kong defeating the T-Rex has always been a sore spot for me, and frankly one that has always had me rooting against rather than for the giant simian. Full marks to Peter Jackson for not only including this sequence but stepping it up a notch, or rather two notches. In his version, Kong now faces off against a trio of Tyrannosaurs, which visually is amazing, but pisses me off even further. 3 Tyrannosaurs in my opinion would have little difficulty dispatching Kong. Several times they had their massive jaws wrapped around his shoulder, arm and leg, and he managed to brush off the attacks with little to no effort. Let's say for arguments sake, Kong did kill the Tyrannosaurs (which he did, and it's still total bullshit), those multiple bite wounds would have spelled certain doom for him. Like most present day reptiles, Tyrannosaurs would have not only incredibly strong jaws, but teeth overgrown with bacteria and pathogens, a sympton called sepses. Much like the venom of a snake, but slower acting, septicemia would have set in and eventually subdued Kong within 48 - 72 hours and brought on his inevitable death. So, in fact, Kong would have lost to the Tyrannosaurs. It's science.
Ok so let's suspend disbelief, and continue on. Kong is eventually trapped by Denham and the crew of the Venture with copious amounts of zeal, chloroform, and harsh language....and somehow shipped back to New York City. Kong becomes part of an elaborate musical which Denham creates in order to salvage the loss of his movie footage, and the lives of a dozen and a half men. Kong irritated by an actress imitating Ann Darrow, becomes enraged and breaks free, causing all manner of chaos in the middle of Time Square and truly pissing off Dick Clark (sadly Jackson chose not to visit the Kong versus Dick Clark sequence). Kong rampages around the city picking up random blondes and tossing them aside in a vain search for his love Ann Darrow. This love affair which began on Skull Island (and almost ruined that part of the movie), is more irritating than Naomi Watts talentless attempt at acting.
Finally Darrow appears and she and Kong are reunited so their love can now grow (much like Paul and Chani's love grew in Dune). What better way to express your undying devotion to your giant gorilla and his 20 foot penis than by strolling over to Central Park for some ice skating. Keep your barf bags handy. The only redeeming quality of this scene is when the artillery opens up on them, but sadly they escape unharmed. They flee persecution by climbing Empire State Building where we can rest assured that this asshole will soon be taking a 102 story header onto 5th Avenue and I will be laughing my balls off.
The greatest heros of the movie arrive in the form of a squadron of bi-planes and methodically dive bomb and strafe Kong until his life is finally extinguished. Hanging on to the skyscraper's spire till his last breath, Kong finally falls, much to my amusement, to his death. This movie could have been saved, and spared my wrath had Kong grabbed Naomi Watts and taken her along for the free fall to oblivion, but sadly, this was not to be. Maybe had he been nicer to the family of Tyrannosaurs things would have ended up differently, but Kong's actions deserved the reward he received. Overall King Kong should have been about an hour and 30 minutes long, and by condensing the scenes that currently bookend the Skull Island sequences would have vastly improved this feature. I recommend one finger on the fast forward button throughout your viewing of King Kong. It will vastly improve your movie experience. Adrien Brody is still an ugly fuck.
Hamlin Grade: 3
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
Brian Bosworth....easily the greatest bust in NFL history. However you could make an argument that Tony Mandarich holds that badge of honor. The Green Bay Packers selected Mandarich in preference to Barry Sanders and Deion Sanders (and scores of other players available in a talent rich pool) in 1989, and remained mired in mediocrity, actually thats way too generous,... the Packers sucked ass for another decade! HA HA Assholes! So perhaps he is the second greatest bust. After leaving the football field in disgrace, Bosworth set his sights on another career in which he would most certainly fail. Acting. That failure is without question, complete with The Operative.
The Operative is the story of CIA undercover special 'operative' Alec Carville (played by Brian Bosworth) who after years of service to his country is left behind in Russia during operations. Of course this is the typical M.O. of the government, when a field agent is caught behind enemy lines....deny, deny, deny. Carville is then imprisoned for a little over a decade within an Russian Asylum. Prior to his detention, the Operative opens by showing us how much Agent Carville cares about his Russian counterpart Sonya Orlova. He's fucking her. Sonya and Carville's love grows stronger than their loyalty to their countries. Perhaps that is why, both Russian and the United States left them to rot? This is really the deepest part of this film. The next hour and change is a formulaic piece of shit.
Here's the rundown:
Carville escapes from his prison (took the asshole 11 years to do it). Carville is recaptured by the Russian asshole who put him in prison. Russian asshole has Carville's girlfriend held hostage, and will release her, if Carville completes a job....for said asshole. Carville goes to America to complete assignment.
Ok, lets talk about the assignment. Carville is to impersonate an Oil Tycoon, named Felix Grady, enter his bank, and while assuming his identity, transfer funds from his account to buy a painting which the bank is holding in escrow. The twist here, is that Bosworth plays both parts. They are both essentially the same character, except Felix Grady has long sideburns and a really bad Southern accent. Why is that the worst actors on the planet always attempt this duality of man, twin, clone thing? Van Damme has actually done it twice! Baffling. That's as retarded as electing Schwarzenegger governor....ooops. Ok back to the rundown:
During assignment, Oil Tycoon that Carville is impersonating, shows up to the bank ahead of schedule. All hell breaks loose. The Operative becomes your standand bank robbery / hostage movie (i.e. Swordfish, Heat, etc.). Blah blah blah. Carville saves the day, gets the painting (the painting, by the way, is a cheesy knockoff of Van Gogh's Starry Night, which was apparently painted by Sonja for Carville, and supposedly there is some special meaning to it, but I was so fucking bored at this point, I would have missed a message painted on a pair of boobs....ok, maybe not that message, but all the other ones), beats the shit out of the Russian guy with a baseball bat and then goes back to the prison he escaped from and finds his Russian whore.
There's this whole U.S. government cover up thing going on during the bank heist also, but as I said, this movie was so tedious, any cool plot twists they attempted were really not that cool, and frankly uneccessary...much like this whole fucking bad movie.
Given a choice between watching The Operative and being bound naked to a rusty metal chair, jumper cables attached to the testicles, chipotle sauce rubbed in the eyes while being bludgeoned repeatedly by a telephone wielding Russell Crowe......I'm picking option #2, seven days a week and twice on Sunday. Much like Bosworth's NFL career, the Operative is forgettable.
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
"Who runs Barter Town?"
"THE JEWS!" Well that's Mel Gibson's answer as he was yanked screaming from his automobile by Malibu law enforcement officials. "THE JEWS RUN BARTER TOWN!!!"
Mel Gibson has returned to his Road Warrior roots and is once again tearing up the highway! However, this time, Mel's exploits are not being projected on the big screen. Rather than play the Road Warrior, last weekend, after a few pints of grain alcohol, Mel became the Road Warrior, and raced up a Malibu highway till his progress was halted by the local authorities. His patented 'never say die' attitude of course spurred Mel onto victory (and eventual incarcerration) as he fought off the patrol men, with his whiskey laced breath, and a barrage of anti-Jewish proclamations that would have made Hitler cringe! The Road Warrior's nemesis is no longer Lord Humongous......it is the Jewish people (unless Lord Humongous is also Jewish then he would be still be classified as 'the' nemesis).
Mel Gibson returns as Mad Max in the third installment of the Road Warrior trilogy, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. Max finds himself seeking refuge in the desert oasis known as Barter Town (and sporting the worst mullet he's ever worn.....he looked like a Long Island slut from 1987.....the top was actually feathered and frosted). This village has managed to develop it's own electrical power, based on a methane fuel derived from pig shit (the featured ingredient of 98% of the movies on this site!). Although civilized in comparison to the rest of the world's apocolyptic society, Barter Town does hide an evil secret. Everyone is JEWISH! Max wastes little time in upsetting the locals with his brash and often anti-semitic brand of behavior, and is immediatley brought before the Queen and ruler of Barter Town, Aunty Entity (played by vocal artist Tina Turner, who in all honesty is pretty damn good for a first time movie actress and there is something damn sexy about her....in fact my erogenous zones have not been this stimulated since I saw Patrick Swayze doing Tai Chi lakeside....just thinking about Sweet Swayze gives me pause). By avoiding an attempted waylaying, Max thoroughly embarasses Enitiy's henchman, and she reveals that this was merely an audition. Clearly impressed by his....prowess, Entity offers Max a deal.
Shortly we learn that Aunty Entity is not the dominant power of Barter Town, but rather more of a figurehead. The true ruler of Barter Town? You guessed it....THE JEWS! Actually, beneath Barter Town, lies a methane facility called Underworld. Underworld is a combination refinery and pig farm, designed to harvest pig effluence and transform it into the power providing fuel methane. In charge of this futuristic Pier One Imports, is a symbiotic duo known as Master Blaster. Master is a small dwarf-like man, dressed in Samurai armor who rides piggy back (no puns) on the shoulders of Blaster, who is a giant of a man (think Kirstie Allie), fully clad in leather, and armor. (Side Note: apparently in the future after a nuclear war, we will all look like we just pranced out of a gay leather bar. Most of these renegade wasteland types, enjoy the snug fit of treated cow-hide, and the freedom of assless pants...or perhaps this is just how the people of Australia currently dress and it was the most affordable fashion available in downtown Melbourne?) Master is the brains of the pair, and Blaster provides the muscle.
Entity wishes to remove Master Blaster from their power position, by taking out Blaster, and keeping Master to run Underworld according to her direction. This is no easy task, since the rudimentary set of laws that govern Barter Town would create further complications for Entity if she simply killed Blaster. Enter Max. Acting has her silent proxy, Max could accomplish the removal of Blaster, and pave the way for Entity's complete succession of power. Max is once again easily swayed with promises of all the gasoline (pronounced 'GAZ-AH-LEEEEN' down under) he can carry on completion of his mission.
Max learns that defeating Blaster will be no easy task! Any good citizen of Barter Town knows full well, that any dispute must be settled in full accordance with the law. That finally brings us to Thunderdome. A crude dome-shaped structure that symbolizes the true 'justice system' of Barter Town, one reminiscent of the bygone era of Roman Gladiators. After picking a fight with Blaster (at the recommendation of Entity's council), Max finds himself face to face with the living monolith (wow did that sound epic or what!). Both combatants are strapped to bungie cords which suspend them from the apex of the dome as a mutant version of Michael Buffer introduces them to the bloodthirsty crowd (not to break your spirit, but this is the high point of this film, after the Thunderdome sequence, just turn off the movie, because this Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome goes down faster than Monica Lewinsky in the Oval office) and announces the sacred credo of the arena. "Two men enter. One man leaves". Pretty much self explanatory. This fight will be settled the old Navy way....first guy to die...loses (quote from the class Hot Shots Part Deux). Thunderdome participants begin their battle bare handed, but weapons of all varieties are conveniently nestled throughout the dome (spears, giant hammers, staves, chainsaws, Mel's whiskey, etc.) and can be retrieved at any time. Max and Blaster begin hopping around Thunderdome, and exchange blows while suspended in mid-air. Blaster as a seasoned veteran of Thunderdome carries the fight, and easily gets the better of Max (he outweighs Max by at least 100 lbs, this fight is as evenly matched as Mabel King fighting Fletch). While receiving his beat down, Max's dog whistle (I didn't really elaborate on this, but he tested the whistle on Blaster during an earlier encounter in Underworld, and discovered that the big fella's weakness is high pitched sound.....and anti-semitic slurs) is knocked free from his vest as he is pounded to the deck. Scrambling, he retrieves his magical kazoo and plays a light ballad which briefly stuns Blaster. Using the available precious moments, he picks up a discarded sledge hammer, and begins striking Blaster about the face, head, neck, chest, and breast area, while simultaneously blowing his lil' whistle. Blaster is dropped to his knees where Max delivers the final blow, which frees the giant's helmet. Moving in to finish him, Max discovers the identity of Blaster! He's a JEW!! In reality, Blaster is mentally handicapped and while lying incapacitated, offers Max a big smile. Suddenly Max is filled with remorse, and refuses to finish him off, as Master, attempts to protect Blaster with his tiny body. Max exclaims to Entity that this was not part of the deal, exposing the scandalous plot of which she was the architect, and sends Master into a rage. However, Entity's henchman dispatch Blaster with several crossbow bolts to the chest, and remove Master from the arena. Max, by revealing the nature of his assignment, has broken the second cardinal rule of Barter Town. Break a deal. Face the Wheel. Yes, the Wheel, a demented version of the Wheel of Fortune, when spun, offers prizes and rewards, like Death, Anal Rape, banishment to Wisconsin, and Max's eventual reward....the Gulag.
Max is banished to the desert, atop a beast of burden and wearing a Mardis Gras Float head. I can't recommend highly enough that you shut off the movie now, and enjoy what you have just watched. From this point forward, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome will only aggravate you.
Facing certain doom, Max eventually collapses in the desert along with his steed. Luckily a young girl finds him, and carries him back to her village. Max awakens to find himself surrounded by children, but not just any children. JEWS! Just kidding. The village is populated with a group of kids who look as though they were cut from the original Blue Lagoon movie. Oh, and they are all fucking idiots. They think Max is Captain Walker, and continue to refer to him as that, because of some taped radio transmissions or bullshit they may have heard. So these retards have based their entire way of life on the ramblings of some drunk pilot. Their dream is that Captain Walker will take them to Tomorrow Land, which is apparently similiar to the legendary fantasy sex camp once managed by Michael Jackson. This portion of the film is without a doubt the most irritating piece of cinema I've seen since Dakota Fanning in War of the Worlds. Imagine, if you will, 20 Dakota Fannings, screaming and yelling, and have someone repeatedly strike you in the crotch and you will almost reach the level of torture this movie begins to represent.
Upon hearing of Max's travels to Barter Town, a couple of the older children are convinced that this village is Tomorrow Land and begin their passage, against his recommendation. Forced to rescue them, he eventually finds himself back in Barter Town, saving the children, and freeing Master who he joins forces with. Fleeing Barter Town (not before blowing the shit out of Underworld, and Barter Town's power supply), they commandeer a locomotive (what?) and procceed with their escape.
The end of Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome is almost a carbon copy of the highway chase in Road Warrior. It ends with the final showdown of the locomotive being derailed, and Max facing off against Entity. Rather than fight it out, Entity flashes some leg, and ample cleavage at Max, throws a flirtatious line at him, to which he responds with a grin, and she rides off. That's it. What started out with such potential ends up much like Mel did last weekend....incapacitated, subdued and feeling nothing but contempt....however our rage is focused at Mel and the Director of this bad movie, rather than that of an entire culture of people. Nice work Mel. In your next apologetic press release to the Jewish people, may I recommend that you also apologize for this piece of shit bad movie. In fact, while you are at it apologize for Air America, Forever Young, The Man Without a Face, Payback, The Patriot, What Women Want.....and apologize again for Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. Never stop apologizing.
Hamlin Grade: 1.5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
It's Friday folks, and I haven't looked so forward to one of these since Costner week. Let it never be said that I don't suffer for my beloved Bad Movie Knights, as will certainly be evidenced by the movie with which I've chosen to end Stallone week. Five days of watching Stallone is a dangerous thing to attempt, but reviewing them as well is insanity! It reminds me of an exercise in self-loathing my colleague Pat and I attempted years ago; namely trying to view all five Rocky movies in one sitting. Thus it is that I throw down the gauntlet to all of you Knights out there. It's impossible! There is only so much Rocky Balboa a human being can stand. If you say that you have or can do it there is only one thing I can say; you sir, are a liar!
It's day five and I've decided to test my limits by reviewing a movie that focuses on a kind of music I wouldn't inflict on my worst enemy. Of course my worst enemy is Costner, but I'm pretty sure he already enjoys country music. So I wouldn't inflict this torture on my second worst enemy. Rhinestone is one of only two Stallone movies in which his love of self is tempered enough to share top billing (the other being Tango & Cash. Cop Land does not qualify as a true Stallone production.) This is the only Stallone movie in which Sly's co-star actually shows more flesh than he does, and boy does she! Jake, played by Dolly Parton, is a country singer in the big apple, a fairly rare thing. In order to get out of her contract with her sleazy manager, Jake bets him that she can turn anyone into a country music star. Enter, Nick Martinelli (Sylvester Stallone), a crazy cabbie who doesn't know a thing about the cowboy lifestyle. How can she turn this Italian "Yo check me out, I'm ripped!" stallion into a singer who can win over the hearts of a tobacco-chew'n, whiskey-drinking crowd? Good question, but I refuse to go into much detail as to what transpires in this movie. Wasn't watching it enough penance for whatever sins I may have committed?! Suffice it to say that Sly and Dolly fall for one another while he connects with the country way of life, and they win the bet. There it is. Now for the love of god, never watch this film! I must say one thing, however, Stallone was fearless in putting himself out there for this roll. He looks like an absolute fool, and yet I got the feeling it wasn't all that hard for him to do.
At this point you may be asking yourself, "Fletch, with all of the badness that has been brought into this world through Stallone, how did you happen to pick these five films?" Good question, my intrepid friends. My attempt was to show a cross-section of Sly's erroneous career. As you may have noticed, as the week has progressed the Hamlins have been in steady decline. Rhinestone probably shouldn't be awarded any Hamlins, but I will give one for each of Miss Parton's, er, contributions. Truth be told, Stallone provides enough material to warrant an unprecedented second week of reviews, but I won't have the energy to think about that for many a moon. I hope you enjoyed this week of Stallone, I'm quite sure that I didn't. You probably won't be reading anything from me for a while. I'll be purging the demons Sly has provided through copious amounts of alcohol and intravenous drugs.
Hamlin Grade: 2
Fletch is a killing word!
"Crime is a Disease. Meet the cure." This, of course is the glorious tag-line to Sylvester Stallone's Cobra. The preparation to create this character was demanding indeed: one pair of darkly tinted mirror sunglasses, one pair of leather gloves, tight fitting jeans, one matchstick tooth pick, a laser sighted machine gun, one 1905 Mercury, and one Colt 45 with a cobra head etched into its pearl handle. That's a lot of preparation, but Sly also had to watch every Dirty Harry movie, and on top of that, he spent countless hours with a voice coach to drop his voice a half octave. With all the hard work Sly spent to flesh out this complex roll, Stallone had to pass on Beverley Hills Cop. Eddie Murphy was very thankful as was the rest of the world, as we all would have received a rushed performance out of Stallone, or, worse yet, no Cobra at all!
The opening credits show shots of a motorcycle cult that has an affinity for axes and the sounds they make when they are struck against one another. The movie opens with one of it's members staggering into a super market looking very menacing indeed. Apparently, this guy hates the produce section and expresses his anger in a dream ballet sequence which involves a shot gun. The police have been called to the scene and now have the market surrounded. It is obvious to them that they are dealing with a mad man, time to call in the Cobra! Lt. Marion Cobretti, aka Cobra (Sylvester Stallone) peals into the parking lot and gets out of his cool ride like he's the cock of the walk. Cobra is the fearless cop that plays by his own rules and those rules are outlined with violence. Sound familiar? Cobra navigates his way into and through the super market, without backup, to find our punk behind the butcher counter. Perfect! Could there be a better metaphor? This sicko has taken hostages and has a bomb wired. When he sees the ultra cool Cobra who stops to drink some Coors, the punk threatens to blow the entire store up. Cobra responds "Go ahead, (dramatic pause) I don't shop here. Hum....right. Cobra then throws a knife into the rapscallion's chest and diffuses the situation. This is what you can come to expect throughout this picture, lots of action, devoid of any substance, accompanied by bad one-liners.
This is all set against the background of a Los Angles which has been in a state of fear for months because of a serial killer known as the Night Slasher. Unable to crack the case, the police bring in Cobra and his extreme tactics. It's 1986, so what do we need? A montage! This little bit of cinematic heaven shows Cobra hitting the streets of L.A. to pick up leads to the murders while at the same time introducing love interest Brigitte Nielson as a young model hard at work on a photo shoot posing with robots. This is Eightieslicious! This montage is accompanied by the timeless rock ballad, Angel of the city.
After the photo shoot Ingrid (Bridget Nielson) makes her way through a parking garage with her photographer, where they are attacked by that nutty Axe cult. It's not just one serial killer, it's a group of them led by the Night Slasher, played by Brian Thompson. Thompson fits the role perfectly, as a mentally unhinged man with a penchant for blood, because he simply looks the part (glossary term to follow.) He's an evil kind of ugly. Anyway, the photographer is shot and killed and Ingrid narrowly escapes. The cops find her and she's checked into the hospital where she meets the matchstick of her dreams hanging from the mouth of Cobra. The Night Slasher doesn't plan on letting her live, so with his inside connection, he finds the hospital where she's staying to finish the job. To no avail, Cobra plays the spoiler to his murderous plans. It's apparent she must be moved to a safer locale, so let us have a better look of that signature Mercury of Cobra's in a car chase that will take us all over the city. This was really entertaining. For a moment or two I forgot I was watching a Stallone movie! At the end of the chase, Cobra's totally styling ride is ruined, but thanks to the seat belts, NASCAR installed in this sweet ride, our hero and heroine are fine. Meanwhile, our hatchet happy group is making every corner of the city a dangerous one. It seems they won't stop until they have killed Ingrid and Cobra, and the Chief has had enough of cleaning up after their mess. Cobra decides to lead this Axe wielding motorcycle dance troupe to a small peaceful town they can destroy without getting an ear-full from the department. They come at dawn and Rambo...I mean Cobra, is ready. As you might guess, the town is treated to copious amounts of gunfire from our motorcycle enthusiasts.
The final showdown between the Night Slasher and Cobra takes place in a factory that produces lots and lots of fire in random hallways and catwalks. It also has a large foundry so you should expect a good sh-melting. Cobra displays his love for his fellow man by reading him his rights as he sets him on fire. This is nice, but the man who really steals the film is the Night Slasher. His confrontation with Cobra produces such timeless lines as "Let's bleed pig!", "I want your eyes pig!" and the piece de resistance, "You want to go to hell with me pig?!" Mr. Thompson delivers these lines so well, he shall be awarded two Hamlin's for his efforts. As you might guess, Cobra does not take kindly to the offers and demands of the Night Slasher. In response, Cobra beats him mercilessly, and finishes him off by impaling him on a large chain hoist which carries him to a fiery death.
There are no words of advice, and nothing I can really say which will let you understand the special place one reaches after the viewing of Cobra. Good luck my friends.
Hamlin Grade: 3.5
Fletch is a killing word!
Stallone week continues with the very rare instance in which this man's ego allows top billing to be shared. In 1997 Sly was ready to collaborate in an off-beat action comedy, and who better to team up with than Kurt Russell. With such memorable roles like Snake Plissken in Escape from New York, and Jack Burton in Big Trouble in Little China, Russell pioneered the wise-cracking tough guys for the Eighties and Nineties. For these reasons, Sly knew that Russell was a safe choice, plus he could bench more than Kurt. He could not, however, get in on with Goldie, due to his diminished testicle size.
Tango and Cash follows the long, familiar line of the buddy cop tradition, like Chips, Night Rider, and Lone Wolf McQuade...Cagney and Lacey. These movies are driven by the chemistry which exists between the two players, and when successful, it's a beautiful thing. But will their chemistry besuccessful? Let's find out, shall we? Ray Tango(Sylvester Stallone) protects and serves the classy west side of town. He's is a high-roller, sharp dresser and has a razor sharp wit. Gabe Cash (Kurt Russell) is the blue collar cop from the east side who smarts like a whip. Both men are the rogue cops of their respective departments, and both are convinced that they are the best detectives in town. Needless to say, they can't stand each other.
All we need is a villain that can be a formidable match for the likes of Sly and Russell. But who, who? How 'bout Jack Palance! Surely he could use the money! Palance can pump life into the most lifeless of scripts and believe me he does. Pallance, the shadowy crime boss, frames Tango and Cash for killing an undercover federal officer. But if he simply wanted them out of the way why didn't he just kill them? Because Pallance is the criminal mastermind rip-off from Bond movies (Holy rip-off! Batman as well!) that must toy with his enemies before destroying them. This provides ample opportunities for good to triumph over evil, and at the end of the day, isn't that what we all really want? Pallance reveals his plans for our intrepid duo to his colleagues, and in the process reveals his true identity as Captain Crazy! He keeps two mice on his desk, respectfully named Tango and Cash. You see criminals respond better with visual aids. Using his mice as props, he demonstrates what is in store for our unsuspecting hero's. The set up is a success and Tango and Cash are arrested and brought into custody.
Director Andrei Konchalovsky went out and rented every trial movie ever made and uses all the old tricks we have seen a million times before. Newspapers splashed across the screen with headlines like "KILLER COPS!?", while voice-overs of news reporters inform us of developments in the trial. Cut between are scenes of the court room and the dramatics that lie within.Throughout all of this, Tango and Cash keep an upbeat attitude, creating comical scenarios of revenge on thosewho have crossed them.
Guilty is the verdict which brings us to the prison section of this movie. Immediately our eyes are assaulted by the completely unnecessary ass shot of the two walking into the showers. We all know Sly loves his body and feels it is selfish not to share with everyone, but Mr. Russell, sir?! I would have loved to hear Stallone convincing Kurt that a nude scene was a good idea and that it would be fun. "Don't feel threatened because my body's so ripped yo. Come on, I know you work out and besides, I've got this bet with Costner yo." Suspect. It's fantastic how the big house doesn't dim their witty repartee. However, their quirky scenes of humor do not quell the other inmates desire to stick a shiv in these cops no mater how light- hearted their comments may be. Amazing how quickly inmates forget about anally raping the new guys when said guys have a Hollywood reputation to protect. (Quick, if you had to anally rape one of them would you pick Sly or Kurt? Ah, hah, hah! You thought about it! You're so gay....Uh, I'd pick Kurt).
If you read the manual for completely predictable story-lines in Hollywood, you know what's coming next. That's right, the miraculous jail break! This dynamic duo avoids guards, violent criminals, dogs, and manages to navigate a ventilation system that nearly chops them to bits with twenty foot long fan blades! But wait there's more! To the roof they go! Here they make a magnificent leap in the dark through pouring rain and grab onto a high tension wire on which they slide away to freedom!
Through all these wacky adventures, this odd couple has managed to put away their differences to work towards a common goal. As a matter of fact, they're Getting along almost too well at this point. Let's add some spice to the mix, shall we, and some eye candy for the fellas. Enter a young Terri Hatcher as Tango's sister, who immediately catches Cash's eye. This puts the much needed friction back between the two crime fighters. (And when I say friction, I mean...oh, never mind. That prison scene was a bit too good.) I mean what's the point of a buddy movie if the buddies get along.
This film sticks to the play-book for the remainder. Spectacular displays of pyrotechnics and clever remarks in between the gun play, until Tango and Cash clear their names. Oh, and by the by, Kurt Russell dresses as a woman at some point...yah!
This movie is great in that it makes no apologies for what it is, a completely generic composite of predictable mediocrity. Stallone's performance makes Russell look like an acting virtuoso and makes Jack Palance look like......Well Jack Palance. After watching this film, you may feel inclined to plagiarize an episode of Growing Pains and sending it off to Hollywood. Who knows, you might strike gold!
Hamlin Grade: 4
Fletch is a killing word!
Question: what says pure uncut Stallone? Answer: three simple words....Over The Top!
When I sat down and began to figure out how to approach this review, I found myself trying to recall the first time I saw this beautiful slice of Hollywood trash. Was it in the theatre? I certainly hope not, but the possibility exists.... I don't know, I may have blocked it out. This possibility led me into deeper meditation. When was there a time when a story like Over The Top could be green-lighted, produced and distributed nation wide? And then it came to me, 1987! Yeah, it's all coming back to me, but how and why? That'sright, apparently Sly got himself a sweet two-picture deal as a result of the success of Rambo! Much like that character taking on the Soviets and the Vietcong, Stallone tried to singlehandedly destroy Warner Brothers entertainment through the agent of Cannon Films. The first picture of that deal featured Sly as "The strong arm of the law." That's right, it's Cobra! This was followed by Over the top a year later!! Well, this answers part of the "how" question (I didn't feel the need to delve further into the matter.) Now let's answer the "why" Over The Top was made. Like anything that goes into production in Hollywood; to make a buck. Did they succeed? I'll let you be the judge. Stallone reportedly was paid 12 million before a single frame was shot, and Over the Top made a little over (readyfor this?) 16 million at the box office!! Those who produced this little gem may have failed in making a profit, however they did succeed in making a truly classic bad movie!
Lincoln Hawk (Sylvester Stallone) has made some bad choices in his life and as a result has alienated his family. Now Hawk has a second chance to regain the love and trust of his son through the healing power of big-rig truck driving and arm wrestling. Yes my friends, genius!
This heartwarming story about reconciliation and new beginnings has a plot so predictable I refuse to write about it, and if you're not familiar with this cult hit, shame on you. Chock full of special lines like, "When I turn this hat around I'm like a machine..... like this truck." It also contains a montage you won't soon forget. That reminds me of a clash of opposing philosophies in this film between Sylvester Stallone and Kenny Loggins; that's right kids, Pat pointed out to me that Mr. Loggin's hit "Meet me Half Way" is playing during that touching montage I just wrote about! Then later in the movie, while incarcerated, Hawk gives some fatherly advice to his son Josh, "no one meets you half way." Fight! Fight! Fight! I'd love to see Stallone and Loggins drop the gloves!
I know what you are thinking, "With Kenny Loggins on board, the rest of the soundtrack must be phenomenal!" You're absolutely right! With hits like "Gypsy Soul" by Asia, "Mind Over Matter" by Larry Green, "I Will Be Strong" by Eddie Money, "Winner Takes It All" by Sammy Hagar and last, but certainly not least, "Bad Night", written and performed by Frank Stallone, this virtual cornucopia of inspirational music is the cornerstone of any good music collection!
Over The Top could frighten and scare if you stop to think about it, so don't. Grab some friends and laugh until it hurts, at some pure uncut Stallone!
Hamlin Grade: 5
Fletch is a killing word!