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« July 2006 |
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| September 2006 »
"ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?!?"
Frankly Russell, no. No I'm not. Firstly, you can't act. I don't care how many people this pisses off, but you suck. So fuck you. Secondly, you've been playing the same character since the Quick and the Dead.....or was it Virtuosity....regardless. The Academy felt it necessary to bestow the honor of an Oscar on your performance in Gladiator. This was probably the beginning of the end of credibility for the Academy, which they quickly put an end to by handing out an Oscar to Halle Berry. Are you fucking kidding me? I know the Academy was trying to get cultural, and spotlight black actors that year but in all honesty......when I think of great black performers, my top three is not Sydney Poitier, Denzel Washington and Halle Berry. Well two of those three belong....if I may make a comparison and say that the three best European actors of all time are Anthony Hopkins, Michael Caine, and Jean Claude Van Damme......wouldn't you take issue with that? As you should....because there is no way Hopkins is a better actor than Dolph Lundgren. Ok I've really gone off on a tangent here...so let's bring it back to the asshole of the hour. Russell Crowe.
In Gladiator, we are treated with a period piece, that does offer us a picturesque view of Ancient Rome. Unfortunately, that is where the good in this film comes crashing to a halt. Russell Crowe plays General Maximus, who as the film opens is putting an end to a war against Germania and helping to further extend the Roman Empire for Caesar Marcus Aurelius. Basically inserting footage from Braveheart into the opening 15 minutes, Gladiator really offers us nothing new. In fact, if you remember, Braveheart was the movie that gave us a look at large scale battles.....little did we know, that every movie after that would have to include one of these epic battles... this cinematic device has become more played than showing Jennifer Jason Leigh's tits on screen.
Okay, so Maximus slaughters the Germans, and he and his men return to the tents to wash their hands in rose water, drink wine, eat pork from the bone, and talk politics with the pedophiliac community of the Roman Republic. Maximus is treated to an oral stroking by Marcus Aurelius about how fucking cool he is and asks him to become Rome's next emperor, so he can help ease the transition of rule from a dictatorship, to control by the Republic. Maximus is confused why Marcus Aurelius would not give control of Rome to his son Commudus played by Joaquin Phoenix. Out of curiosity.....why the fuck is there not one Italian actor in this entire film? It's Rome. Have we grown so accustomed to seeing the Romans played by English? I digresss again.....Marcus Aurelius explains to Maximus that is son is a dickhead and would be a major league asshole if he sat on the throne.....thus, making Maximus the choice...because his kung fu is strong.
Following the meeting with Caesar, Maximus is confronted by his daughter Lucilla (who is the sister of Commodus, but that bond does little to deter him from trying to get into her pants for the rest of the film), who flirts with and obviously aches for his...sword. One of the best lines in the movie is presented to us here.....Maximus obviously has little time for this whore, and attempts to dismiss her, but she refuses to let him go....he responds with..."I'm tired....from battle". Brilliant. Try that one the next time your significant other is pissing you off.
Much to Marcus Aurelius's dismay, his son Commodus is not hip to the idea of giving rule to Maximus, so he kills his dad, and assumes command. Maximus, knowing that Commodus has killed the Emperor, plots to expose, him, but Commodus quickly arrests him and orders him executed. Why stop there? Commodus plans to end Maximus bloodline forever, by killing his son and his wife (who apparently moaned like a whore) while he is being executed. Maximus of course escapes his execution and rapidly dispatches 5 or 6 guards. Grabbing an available horse, he rides to his home in a vain effort to save his family.....he arrives to find them crucified and burning on the facade of his palatial estate. He then collapses to the ground and seeks comfort in a coma of exhaustion.
Fortunately for Maximus, the travelling Gladiator circus is in town, and he is quickly absorbed into the fold, made a slave, and a gladiator! WOOO HOOO! This is the Rocky Balboa sequence of Gladiator, as Maximus fights in small arenas at first, until his fame grows and grows and he is finally offered an opportunity to fight at the Colliseum in Rome! YAY! Now Maximus can have his vengeance against Commodus. Of course this part of the movie is where most common day douche bags after the movie would be sitting on their IROC Z-28's in the parking lot saying "Yeah, me and Maximus would have fucked up some shit together", and "Oh hell yeah, we would put a whooping on that bitch Commodus!"....I of course have none of these delusions of grandeur, as I would most likely be the guy in line pissing down my leg, onto the Reebok Pumps of the gentleman behind me.....and later providing a marvelous weapon for said gentleman in the form of a severed hand.
So, the Gladiator returns to Rome. After a marvelous display, along with his fellow warriors, Maximus and the boys get a personal greeting from Emperor Commodus. Maximus is forced to unmask himself, and reveal his true identity to Commodus....who becomes vexxed. Commodus, lacking in sac, does not kill Maximus, for fear of an uprisal by his citizens, so he allows him to live to fight further bouts in the arena. Each fight greater than the last, in both foe, and level of difficulty (sounds like a video game), but each time Maximus is equal to the task....and Commodus becomes vexxed further. He is very vexxed you see.
His vexxation however, knowing no bounds, forces his hand into the arena to face off against Maximus, in an effort to prove to the Roman people that he is greater than the former General. Commodus, man of honor that he is, ensures the fight will be fair by puncturing one of the lungs of Maximus with a small knife. Maximus, is then led, disabled to the floor of the Colliseum. Oxygen, as you know, is not really necessary during a fight, and during a sword battle....there is no need for it at all. In fact blood in the lungs will help keep the combatant from becoming parched, as he or she routinely coughs and lubricates the esophagus. That being said, Maximus beats the ass out of Commodus, and ends his reign with a slow blade to the throat. Obviously a student of Gurney Halleck, trainer of House Atreides from Dune.....Maximus knows full well that the slow blade penetrates the shield.
Following his victory, Maximus collapses and dies, where he is re-united with his retarded kid, and whore moaning wife, in the after-life.....truly touching. When I think of the movie Gladiator, only one word comes to mind. Mistake. No wait, that's Wisconsin. Shit. Well it's Gladiator too now.
Hamlin Grade: 2.5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Dun ta da da da Daaaa da! Dun ta da da da Daaaa da!
Dun ta da da da Daaaa da Daaa Daaa Dun!
Yes my Bad Movie Knights, it is indeed the unforgettable theme music to the1985 classic Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins!!! Unfortunately it ended with the same movie, for the world was denied a sequel to this seemingly endless formula of good-natured action adventure. The adventure actually begins with one of New York's finest (Fred Ward) enjoying a nice hot cup of coffee in his squad car while taking in the then dilapidated Brooklyn waterfront. His reverie will be short lived, however, as he is plunged into the icy waters of the East River to his certain death . . . or is it the rebirth of Remo Williams? It is! This man in blue has been recruited by a top secret organization. Now with a new face (yes, we lose the painfully obvious prosthetic nose and fake mustache worn in the opening scene), Remo begins his fifteen year training program under a Korean martial arts master named Chiun played flawlessly by Joel Gray. Gray's performance makes him a candidate for an Ironside Agenda, delivering such ridiculously wrong lines as, "Women should stay at home and make babies. Preferably man-child."
What's inspiring about this movie is that under the tutelage of Chiun, in just over a month you could be dodging bullets and have the ability to run on water! Now, that is bad movie magic my friends! And remember that's the first month in a fifteen year program. So start now for just $19.99! For anyone who has a love for the Big Apple, Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins is tremendous, if for nothing else, as a show case of the city. New York becomes Remo's training ground as Chiun leads our hero everywhere, from hanging off the Wonder Wheel at Coney Island to facing his fear of heights on top of the Statue of Liberty. The latter location is memorable for several reasons; first it's the only movie I know of that not only shows, but has an entire scene at the Statue of Liberty while it was being restored. The scaffolding that surrounds this icon and the statue itself makes for interesting terrain for an action adventure. The second memorable reason is that we learn how quickly union construction workers will jump at the chance to earn a few extra bucks by committing murder. Classy!
Remo and Chiun are two of four players in this top secret crew. The man who recruited Remo by driving him to his seemingly watery death is a one armed man named Mac. The man in charge is affectionately known as Emperor Smith played by Pat's favorite punching bag (see The Firm) Wilford Brimley. One armed man + Remo + Chiun + Wilford Brimley = bad movie gold! No, no wait! This is really just the tip of the iceberg. There is an entire sequence with the most charismatic Doberman Pincher's you will ever see. These dogs can chase you over a tight rope, literally! A villain with a Diamond tooth! Well, let's be honest, who would have a diamond tooth and not be a villain? You really have to see this film, and I don't have to sell it because drugs sell themselves, and if your addicted to fantastic bad movies, Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins is your fix!
Hamlin Grade: 6.5
Fletch is a killing word!
Hey, before we start our film, how about we get a little information about our friend the Anaconda; "They will regurgitate their prey in order to kill and eat again.” Evil, evil! That would really be something to see. I wonder if having said that in the opening moments, they'll think to put it somewhere in the film? No time to ponder that now, however, as we see our first actor, Danny Trejo. We've been Beaned! There's no way the ensuing expedition can go well with Danny making an appearance. In what must be his shortest appearance ever, Trejo doesn't even get to say a word. His boat is under attack, and he only has time to climb to the top of his mast where he shoots himself rather than facing the terror which lies below in the Amazon.
Cut to a film crew boarding another boat ready to start an expedition to seek a long lost Indian tribe known as the people of the mist. Let's meet our crew, shall we? First we have our surly Captain, Mateo, played by Vincent Castellanos. Next, the leader of our expedition, Dr. Steven Cale (Eric Stoltz), and the director of the documentary film, Terri Flores (Jennifer Lopez.) How 'bout a cameraman? Let's use Ice Cube playing Danny Rich. We also need a narrator for the film, Warren Westridge played by Jonathan Hyde. And let's round out the crew by throwing in Owen Wilson as Gary and Kari Wuhrer as Denise. That's it...oh, except for picking up a creepy, stranded passenger on the way, Paul Stone played by Jon Voight.
Eight people in a horror film? There's not many so we're going to have to kill them off judiciously. Let's play a little game I like to call, "Who's Going to be the First to Die?" Instead of just randomly guessing, let's use our noggins and a little thing I like to call the process of elimination. They're not going to kill off Lopez; she is after all, the star of the film. As a matter of fact, I'll just wager a guess that even if only one person makes it to the end, it's her. The same goes with Eric Stoltz. Just a big enough of a name and he's playing our hero. How about Ice Cube? Don't think so. The days of throwing the token brother under the bus straight out of the gate are gone. Jon Voight is also a big name and besides, he's our odds-on favorite for head villain. How about our truly annoying narrator of the film, Warren Westridge? Let's check off the things that he's got going against him: he's English, he's a huge snob, he's brought a bunch of wine aboard to consume by himself and he spends most of the voyage hitting golf balls into a net while everyone else around him works. Sorry, our filmmakers have taken too much effort to make us hate him. He's going to be around for a while. (Side note, he does also have the best line in the movie; "The last time I was in water like this, I spent all night picking leeches off my scrotum." No? Not working for you? Try saying it with an English dialect.) That leaves Owen Wilson (still very much in the beginning of his career, not a name yet), Kari Wuhrer (Kari Who?) and Vincent Castellanos, our brooding Captain. Right now my money's on Kari Who.
Right away Owen expresses his horniness to Kari Who. Ooh, that can't be good in a horror film, perhaps I should reevaluate Owen's chances. Just about this time we have the first sighting of our star and I couldn't be more pleased. The makers of this film have embraced it's preposterous premise and that's a good thing. It promptly devours a black panther. Evil, evil! In our race to see who can get killed first, Owen and Kari Who debark the boat and head into the evening jungle to record night sounds. Night sounds! Ah, hah, hah, hah! Forgetting the first rule of horror, Kari Who expresses her passions to Owen and clothes start coming off. Could I be right? Could Kari Who be the first one to go? Or will she drag Owen down with her? They hear noises in the night and start racing back to the boat. Creepy Jon pops out of nowhere and levels a rifle at them...only to shoot the pursuing boar. Damn! No death yet.
The next day finds our crew stranded, as their boat gets stuck on some unknown something. Our hero Stoltz decides to dive in and cut away whatever nuisance is slowing us down. Swimming in the Amazon. What could go wrong? I'll tell you what could go wrong, getting a deadly underwater wasp to sting you on the inside of your mouth, that's what! Evil, evil! Creepy Jon diagnosis this as soon as we get our hero pulled out of the water. Am I the only one who finds the idea of a deadly underwater wasp ridiculous? Must be, because none of the other crew members give it another thought. Damn! Looks like our hero is going to be the first to go. Wait a minute, Creepy Jon is able to save him with a tracheotomy. Maybe I had this guy figured all wrong. Perhaps he is good after all. At any rate, I'm still in the "Who's Going to be the First to Die?" game.
As a result of the sting, our crew has to abandon their film shoot and head back to civilization for the welfare of our hero. They decide to follow the advice of Creepy Jon who knows a shortcut. Yeah, that sounds like a good plan. Evil, evil! So they follow Creepy Jon up a tributary that is blocked by a crude wooden dam. Damn is right! How will they ever get past this blockade? Don't worry, Creepy Jon has a bunch of dynamite in his backpack. Thanks Creepy Jon! He blows the dam to smithereens, but in the process they are showered with snakes and they lose most of their fuel. Darn the luck. Guess they better just keep pressing on. Say, what do you suppose that dam was for anyway? To keep people out or to keep something in?
Soon after, they come across Trejo's stranded boat and Creepy Jon, Ice Cube and Captain Mateo go off to explore. Oh no, Mateo gets eaten up! Ack! While he was in my top three, I didn't see him going first. Well “Who’s Going to be the First to Die?“ is out of the way now, so at least I can start concentrating on some of the other elements in the movie. Creepy Jon has a dart gun and a bottle of Reptile Tranquilizer serum. Ah, hah, hah! Reptile Tranquilizer serum! It says it right on the bottle! Precious. I wonder what Creepy Jon’s real motives are. It's at about this point in the film that Creepy Jon's dialect starts to bug me, not because it's bad, but because I can't figure it out. Wait a minute...could it be...yes! I've got it! It's equal parts Brando from The Godfather and Pacino from Scarface.
Brilliant!
I won't ruin the whole movie for you, but we finally do get to see that regurgitation trick. And in true horror fashion, this anaconda refuses to die. He's tranquilized, shot, pick-axed, blown up and lit on fire, but he keeps going and going and going. My only regret is that this film allows too many of our crew to survive. Oh, and they almost ruin the movie at the end with a finale that threatens to rival the sappiness of the Ewok party at the end of "The Return of the Jedi." They pull back just in time, and as a result I give this movie a solid seven Hamlins.
Hamlin Grade: 7
Big Daddy Yum Yum
 I had the misfortune of watching a bad movie starring Sean Bean followed directly by a horrendous pic that featured Sharon Stone. I posit that if one of these two shows up in a film, there's at least a 75% chance that something bad is going to happen. Even in the rare case where someone like this isn't playing a bad guy (Sean Bean in North Country for example), bad things are going to happen to those around them. From trying to kill Bond and take over the world to putting an ice pick in your lover's chest just as he climaxes to raping poor little Hobbits, there's just no telling what will happen when someone like this shows up. In effect, it ruins any chance the filmmaker has of surprising the audience. I therefore propose that in the case where a male actor appearing in a film possesses this trait we call it being Beaned whereas if a female has this trait we call it getting Stoned.
Big Daddy Yum Yum
I knew I wasn't going to give this movie a fair chance when I sat down to watch it, I had pre-judged this film. I knew I was going to hate the bad CGI effects (and they're awful, the kind of awful you find in a video game), I knew I was going to hate the writing (and it's really bad, the kind of bad dialogue and puns the likes of which have not been seen since Adam West graced our television screens), and I knew I was going to hate the directing (just the fight sequences alone are repetitive enough to put you to sleep.) And gosh darn it, that's just not fair! A reviewer has to be impartial at all times. Thus I took steps to correct my biased self.
As the movie started I cracked my first beer. The distraction almost caused me to miss the PG-13 warning: action violence and some sensuality. Sensuality? Since when do we need to be warned about sensuality? Ah, there I go judging again. Concentrate, concentrate. Drink, drink. Argh! The movie starts with a montage and a voiceover! Really?! A flipping voiceover?! Sorry, drink more. After some curious information about cats throughout history, we are dumped in the midst of an unidentified homogeneous city. The kind of city where one end of an alley will lead you to an impossibly chic loft, while the other end will get you held up by the kind of thugs you would expect to find in a city that needs super heroes. Wait a minute, is Catwoman a super hero or a super villain? Gee, I hope this movie answers that question.
Patience Phillips, played by Halle Berry, works for a cosmetics giant, Hedare Beauty. She is a disillusioned artist, making her living by pumping out bad copy for Hedare. Our filmmakers do their best to make Patience appear to be socially inept and awkward, but let's face it, she's played by Halle Berry! I know I'm only on my first beer here, but I'm going to rant a little bit. I thought she did a fine job in Monster's Ball, but give me a break! Of course the racist played by Billy Bob Thornton is going to fall for her; she's Halle freakin' Berry! Let's see Billy Bob fall for Whoopi Goldberg playing that part. Shoot, I need another beer.
Halle takes her pathetic self home with a painting deadline, only to find herself distracted by a cat. She climbs out on a ledge to save this feline and finds herself in danger of falling off herself. Thank god Benjamin Bratt pulls up just then. Benjamin sees Patience out there on that ledge and thinks she's a jumper, so he races to the rescue. How nice these ordinary citizens are in this unknown city. Impossibly beautiful people just waiting to save the day. Drink, drink. Oh, but he's not just any kind of impossibly beautiful citizen, he's an impossibly beautiful cop. His name is Tom Lone. Lone...say, that would be a good last name for a cop that doesn't have a partner, don't you think? Tom saves Patience and asks her for a date as I head to the fridge for another beer.
I come back to find Patience stumbling onto a piece of information which will change her life forever; Hedare is about to put a new facial cream out on the market, a facial cream which will not only slow the effects of aging, but will actually reverse them. But wait, there are side-effects! Why do super villain's products always have side-effects? Don't question, drink. This new cream has side-effects which lead to headaches, nausea and the occasional fainting spell. Later we will also learn that it makes your skin as hard as marble. These side-effects could probably be overlooked except for the fact that if you stop using the cream your skin immediately starts falling apart. Darn the luck, Patience walks into the super-secret lab just as all of this is being explained to the bosses wife, Laurel Hedare, played by Sharon Stone. Sharon Stone! What could possibly go wrong in a movie that features Sharon Stone?! Clumsy Patience knocks over a beaker, and the chase is on. She's eventually flushed out to sea and drowned, only to wash up on shore and be revived by a herd of supernatural cats. Thank god they were in the vicinity. Better go get another beer, I'm beginning to judge again.
Patience comes back to life, but things aren't quite the same. Her senses seem to be heightened and she seems to have a need to make all sorts of cat allusions. Really bad punny allusions. Sorry. Drink, drink. She runs into Tom again and they have a very public one-on-one basketball game in front of a whole schoolyard of high-schoolers. Lots of butt-rubbing and landing on top of one another. I think this is where the sensuality warning was derived from. Patience also starts to be drawn to a better fashion sense which involves leather outfits and scissors. I've always been curious as to where super heroes and villains get their outfits. Drink deeply. She comes up with a halter-top super-outfit which is strangely unsexy. Halle Berry unsexy in next to nothing? Best get another beer.
As I sat down this time, the movie started to get better. Or perhaps I just didn't care anymore. The annoying soundtrack went away, the puns were no longer hurting my ears, and Sharon Stone became...ah, hah, hah! Who am I kidding?! Sharon Stone still sucks as the villain in this movie! I had another couple of beers, but at this point even if I had emptied a bottle of Powers down my gullet, it wouldn't have mattered.
Knights, all I'm saying is that with a little forethought at the liquor store, no movie has to be a complete bust.
Sober- One Hamlin.
Fully Kreusened-three and a half Hamilns.
Big Daddy Yum Yum
Do you like the Indiana Jones trilogy of movies? All three of them? Hope so, because with National Treasure you get a movie that steals from all three of those films. Yes, Bruckheimer and crew essentially give us a recap of the entire Jones series, but with the advantage of not having to sit through six hours of movie viewing...and without all of those great story lines...and all of that messy good acting stuff. It's like having the Cliff Notes for Indiana Jones, and that's a beautiful thing.
With Indiana Jones you have a son carrying on his father's legacy of being obsessed with religious artifacts. National Treasure ups the ante by having just such an obsession pass down through six generations. A young Ben Gates sneaks up into his grandfather's attic to sneak a peak at his treasure scrapbook. Caught in the act, the kindly grandfather takes him through the known history of a vast hidden treasure which his family has been trying to find since the American Revolution. Knight's Templar, Masons, secret societies, vast treasures...this story has been around in film version since The Maltese Falcon, but I'm sure Bruckheimer can tell it in a fascinating
new way.
Spring ahead twenty years or so, and we find Ben, played by Nicholas Cage, on an expedition to the Arctic with his partner and financier of the expedition, Ian Howe, played by Sean Bean. Ah, hah, hah! Sean Bean?! Are you kidding me?! Has anything good ever happened in a movie in which Sean Bean has appeared? Even hobbits don't trust this guy. I'm sorry, perhaps I'm just a bit jaded and Sean really is capable of being a nice guy. Maybe if we give him one more chance, things will turn out all right in this story.
The expedition is in search of a ship named Charlotte buried underneath the arctic ice. Cage digs a few inches and finds it on his first try. Whoo hoo! What luck! How did he know it was there? Oh, don't waste your time with such trivialities, this film isn't concerned with the how or the why. The crew enters the hull of the ship and they find a whole bunch of gunpowder which they then exert a great deal of effort spreading around by breaking open every single cask. That kind of thing could be dangerous! Hope no one gets careless with a match or something.
While the rest of the crew is fumbling about, Ben immediately goes to the cask which contains the next clue on their Colonial scavenger hunt. This is the first of many times in the movie that the writers go out of their way to show how superior Ben's intellect is to that of his companions. Ben finds an old pipe which he intuitively knows contains a hidden message. If only there were something to smear onto it to print the message. Wait, I know, stab your thumb and smear it all over the priceless pipe! Good thinking there, Ben! I always prefer the thumb myself when in need of a little blood.
Ben deciphers the clues which all point to a secret message on the back of The Declaration of Independence. Well game over, there's no way anyone could get to that famously guarded document. Ian doesn't agree. He's got all the wealth and resources in the world. Now if someone says they are going to try to steal The Declaration of Independence, it means they are crazy. Game over. It's times like these that you don't tell said crazy person that you won't let them get away with their evil plan. It's like having sex in a horror movie, it's not going to go well for you. One thing leads to another and all of that messy gunpowder gets set on fire and Ben and Riley get blowed up. Don't worry, we're only twenty minutes into the movie, we're not going to blow up our star that easily.
What follows is a race to find the clues to the treasure first. Ben uses his brains while Ian uses his brawn ad nauseam. And then after Ben and his crew find the clues first, they are caught by Ian's crew ad nauseam. Oh there's lots of mystery, a sexless love interest and even a bad Bruckheimer chase scene, and it's all very well done, it's just that it's all been done before. And much better. There's never any real danger and the good guy gets the girl and the treasure in the end. Yawn. And Cage proves once again that he can't carry a movie as the leading man type. This movie is neither fish nor fowl and as a result leaves you with an empty feeling in the pit of your stomach.
Hamlin Grade: 3
Big Daddy Yum Yum
Brokeback Mountain is the story of two cowboys who while isolated for a summer lay the tracks (among other things) for a relationship that will span the remaining years of their lives. A relationship that will overcome the obstacles that will penetrate their lives, including prejudice, vagina, marriage and kids. Brokeback Mountain while being one of the more controversial films to be splattered onto the big screen (mostly because of the 18th century, bible thumping, Jesus freaks who have refused to wake up and smell the new millenium) does engage the viewer, and offer us a long, hard, deep, look into a lifestyle not often portrayed in Hollywood cinema (not counting the films of Tom Cruise). However, rather than enlighten, I think Brokback Mountain did little to stroke the cause of the homosexual community, and in my opinion may have pushed back the movement decades. Do I agree with the critics that this movie was controversial and perhaps offensive? Yes, but not for the reasons these imaginary diety worshippers do.
Brokeback Mountain for all intents and purposes, was simply not gay enough. When I gently inserted this dvd into my player's ample opening I had expectations, while perhaps too endowed, that were just not satisfied. Cowboys Ennis (played superbly by Heath Ledger), and Jack (played by Jake Gyllenhaal also exceptionally well), are hired to tend sheep on a mountain side of Wyoming for the summer season. A tent, two cowboys, a limitless supply of whiskey, and a mountain full of sheep. Is it me, or are the ingredients available perfect for a Club Med like summer? Fletch and I have had success with much less! While being handsomely well supplied, Ennis and Jack's relationship takes time to reach its full climax......however when it does, it is anything but climatic.
Where's the cock? Given the setup for this summer, I bet even the ranch owner (played by Randy Quaid) would have expected some more action, from these handsome, strapping, young men. Brokeback Mountain should have been nothing short of an avalanche of cock and dead sheep....either from neglect, or through multiple evenings of adventure and experimentation spurred on by whiskey. The end of the summer should have seen these cowboys returning with 3 living sheep, an empty flask of hooch, and a glint in the eye. But this was just not to be.
For the remainder of their lives we watch as they endure the hardships of heterosexual intercourse, and the nightmare of having to raise children (imagine 9 months of terror, followed by an endless nightmare from which you can never wake) .....all the while longing to be with one another. Ennis and Jack do manage several rendezvous, but nothing in comparison (so they tell it) to their summer on Brokeback. Even though they return to the original location where they first deposited the seed of their relationship....it is a sad facsimile of what could have been. Their lives are severely hampered by a society that will not accept them....so they are forced to swallow...their emotions and live a lie.
As far as Wyoming and Texas in 1963....can we really say that these two states are any different today? If anything they are probably worse. The most heated debate today is 'gay marriage', which has got to be the most ridiculous topic to argue, since slavery (which is actually condoned in Exodus 20:1-17, Deuteronomy 15:12-15; Ephesians 6:9; Colossians 4:1). What's funnier still, is that the South is once again the front runners against said union....and why? Because the bible tells them so. So to sum up.....Homosexuals may own slaves, but they cannot marry one another. That makes sense.
In Brokeback Mountain, Director Ang Lee must have hit a nerve with this movie by exposing the true nature of cowboys. While carrying themselves as tough masculine icons, I think everyone not living in the mid-west knew that these guys were craving cock. Your secret is out fellas....you can be yourselves now.
Brokeback Mountain in all fairness, is not really a bad movie. In fact, it is an excellent film, with great actors, and a superb story. Then why I have I reviewed it for Bad Movie Knights? Firstly, because I know it will piss off all of you mindless, church going automatons....and secondly, because the gay community kicks ass! I pine for the day when my admiration for Patrick Swayze will be celebrated, rather than shunned and persecuted.....till then there is Brokeback Mountain.
Hamlin Grade: 6
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Why? Why the fuck would you make a movie about this shit? A football team, hailing from a town in ass fuck Texas where the people only care about banging their relatives, making grain alcohol in their sheds, concentrating on their racism.....and football. Sadly this is the kind of town that would escape Nuclear Armageddon and the future of humanity would be left in the hands of these brokeback retards. Sadder still is that Friday Night Lights not only focuses on the finer scenic areas of this town, but is actually a story about its H.S. football team, for which the town has limitless pride. Nothing like being involved in a sporting event while your parents are getting lit in the stands and fooling around.
The saddest fact of this entire movie, is that it follows the hardships of this football team, that lost it's star player, and expectations were dashed, but they still managed to make it all the way to the finals. Sounds great right? Wrong.
The fucking team loses.
What's the point of that? Oh but Pat they showed tremendous courage in the face of adversity and achieved so much. Oh Fuck You! They achieved dick! Tremendous courage!?! Is it courageous to come in second? They faced adversity and adversity took a giant shit on them and the entire town. Frankly I haven't been this pissed off with a community since I went to Gloucester, Massachussetts ( the toilet stain of a town that provided the backdrop for the Perfect Storm).
Why not make movies about more stellar examples of mediocrity? How about a movie about the Green Bay Packers amazing 1997-1998 season? You know the one, where they lost to Denver in the Super Bowl? How about a movie about the Presidential campagin of MIchael Dukakis? Justin Guarini anyone? David Lee Roth? Who? Exactly! 2nd place means only one thing. You are the first loser.
By the way, if I didn't already make this abundantly clear.....Friday Night Lights bites the hog.
Hamlin Grade: 0
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
A breakthrough in science and technology has allowed the Bad Movie Knights to provide you with the long sought after complement to movie reviews. It is known by many names, but here it is simply called the Tit Counter! That's right folks, this little gem provides a rating scale for one of the best things about watching bad movies ....Bare Breasts! There is a long and prestigious tradition showing these magnificent mammilla in all forms of film. From goofy teenage comedies to the goriest of horror movies, women's breasts are spread across the big screen for no other reason then to celebrate their beauty!
Our mission as Knights is to protect and serve you as viewers, and for those reasons we have created the Tit Counter. Here's how it works; whenever you see this icon showing up at the bottom of a review, the Tit Counter has detected bare breasts in the film. But wait there is more!! A scaling system has been installed to inform you of what you will see.
 Juggtastic: This is the Alpha and Omega! A tremendous display of tits in both quantity and quality...Breathtaking!
 Chestacular: A fantastic sight to behold!
 Boob-a-licious: Not so much quantity, but a masterful representation of the sublime. Usually includes some sort of lubrication (water, K-Y, mud, etc.) applied to some ravishing set!
 Knockeramadingdong: An obscene amount of tits are shown. It's as right as rain!
 Nipplerific: This is where we are treated to a tight shot of the girl and her bombs. May include suckling of the teat from a second party.
 Nipplerific with a Twist: This is the rare occasion when the close up is so extreme, no other person's head is included in the shot.
 Mamillrageous: Usually found in comedies where breasts are used as a punch line or to heighten the comedy.
 Udderly Disturbing: A tit disaster caught on film in which the director has obviously lost his or her mind! Temporary blindness may occur because clothing has been removed form a chest God did not intend to be seen!
Enjoy my friends!
Fletch is a killing word!
 Once again I found myself scrambling to buy movies that I never dreamed would be a part of my cinematic library. Why you ask? If you haven't guessed already, it's Seagal week! Somehow the Midwestern native known as Seven Seagal has managed to carve out a nice little niche for himself in the martial arts genre of movie making. If you somehow haven't had time this week to get your Bad Movie Knights fix, I suggest you go back and savor our celebration of the Aikido master extraordinaire, Seven Seagal. Pat's passion to examine the enigma that is Seagal may even provoke you into an impulse purchase of one of these beauties. Come on, satisfy that guilty pleasure of watching senseless, bone-crunching, arm-snapping, action adventure! I promise you, after reading our reviews you'll ask yourself why you've denied the sweetness that is Seagal for so long! Enjoy my fellow Knights!
Above the Law
Hard to Kill
Exit Wounds
Under Siege
Today You Die
Fletch is a killing word!
What better way to end Seagal week than with a look at one of his latest efforts, and thus better determine the growth of this amazing actor and martial artist. Sadly, since his debut in 1988 the only thing that has grown is Seagal's waistline. Holy Shit! I thought Scotty from Star Trek ballooned up, but I think Seagal actually got fatter as this movie progressed. The movie in question? The 2005 epic Today You Die.
To date, Today You Die has got to be the worst movie Seagal has ever done. Although that is arguable. Seagal stars as Harlan Banks, a thief who is attempting to walk the straight and narrow at the behest of his girlfriend, and promises he will only do one more job. Predictably this last job goes south fast, and Banks ends up getting arrested and thrown in jail. All a clever frame up by the architect of the job Max, played by Kevin Tighe (star of and owner of the Double Deuce from Roadhouse!). While in jail, Banks is hunted by some of Max's men, but he manages to make some friends, and orchestrate his escape. Once out, he goes on a one man mission (even though he is receiving help from his friend Treech, played by rap star Ice Kool, I swear I'm not bullshitting you, and some lady cop who works for some corrupt asshole) to fight all the way to exact his revenge on Max.
I could elaborate on the story more, but honestly, watching it once was bad enough, and to detail it for you here would only send me into a seizure. Regardless, the plot while pointless, and perfect for Bad Movie Knights, was not what makes this movie so great! As I said earlier Seagal has grown. Perhaps I didn't make it clear how big the man has gotten. I can only assume when he showed up on set the Director Don E. FauntLeRoy must have felt similiar to Coppola when Brando arrived for the filming of Apocolypse Now (actually FaultLeRoy wishes he could feel like that....no my friend you will direct Seagal movies forever...5 and counting so far)....fat, out of shape, and physically unable to perform. Rumor has it that Brando was so fat, that Coppola had to cut out the fight sequence between him and Sheen at the finale of the film. The reason I make this comparison, is that Seagal doesn't perform any of the fight sequences in this movie. What the fuck is that all about? That's like having a Sharon Stone movie without her vagina hanging out or an Adrien Brody movie where he's not an ugly fuck. Seagal's stunt double engages in all of the fight sequences for the heavy weight star, and the scenes are then peppered with some cleverly edited closeups of Seagal grimacing (probably from gas). I probably wouldn't have taken issue with this had I not noticed it, but let's throw out a few basics when using stunt doubles. First, try and get them to have a similiar hairstyle, and when possible match the color. Second, and this is a biggy, physically, they should appear the same from behind. Not so in Today You Die. Not only is this man 100 pounds lighter, but he is easily a foot taller. It's hard to suspend disbelief when Seagal is suddenly in shape and stretched during a fight and then short and portly seconds after said confrontation.
Also, we know the man looks like Kirstie Alley now.....there's no need to hide it. Unless he is wearing some state of the art girdle that is masking even more tonage, there really is no need to show him in a large leather trench coat throughtout the movie. In the winter, sure...sensible clothing choice, but in the blazing sun of Vegas......yeah not so much. Even after his incarcerration, all of the inmates are sporting the standard blues.....not Seagal....a finely tailored denim overcoat is his fashion statement.
After watching Today You Die my only thought was.....quick take a shower. Actually, I was baffled as to why Seagal was even in this movie. Normally he would be brought in for his trademark Aikido skills but they weren't seen in this movie. So why? His name? Hiring Seagal to be in your movie for name recognition is probably as stupid as casting Adam West in your film to increase box office draw. What kind of jackass would do that?!?
If you are completely bored out of your mind, and don't have a copy of the Accused handy, then by all means, enjoy Today You Die. Not only is it the title of this feature, but perhaps a 'Ring' like prediction of what will happen to you if you view this movie. I can't believe I referenced the Ring.....Naomi Watts you talentless whore!
Hamlin Grade: 2
TImothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
All aboard! For terrorist activities on the high seas, that is! Welcome to Steven Seagal's 1992 classic, Under Siege. Seagal cuts off that sweet ponytail of his to portray Petty Cook Officer Casey Ryback on the USS Missouri. Wait, Seagal a cook? Cooks can't fight. Surprise, surprise, he's not a cook, he's an ex-Navy SEAL who just happens to cook. Right! Seagal's martial arts are pushed to the extreme as he is pitted against the lethal acting skills of Bad Movie Knights poster boy, Gary Busey. If that wasn't enough, add the ham on rye in the form of Tommy Lee Jones. Jones, Busey, Seagal....are you kidding me? I wish I was. With this power trio of over-actors, Under Siege is so wrong it almost seems right. Crazy (Busey) and Nuts (Jones) are pissed off government men who are fed up with rules and regulations and decide to take over a US battleship. Everything is going according to plan except for one little oversight...the cook (Seagal!) Yes my Friends, it's just like Die Hard with one original twist, it's on a ship. Brilliant! Now, let's add a woman's touch to this vessel of testosterone. I'm proud to present Erika Eleniak! Her shinning moment in which she pops out of a cake kicks our Tit Counter into action, and her contributions to this picture make her a candidate for an Ironside Agenda. They may not be real, but they're fantastic!
Although there are many futile attempts at comic relief in this movie, the most amusing line was not intended to provoke laughter. It's a statement uttered by the Admiral after hearing a communication filled with an abundance of gunfire aboard the battleship he knows to be under the control of terrorists. Ready? "There's a lot of trouble aboard that ship." Ya think?
What else can I say about Under Siege? It's a blatant Die Hard rip off which exists solely for the purpose of giving Seagal a stage on which to display his Aikido skills, and a medium in which to expand his theatrical skills to the point where he almost reaches MacGyver proportions. "The Navy, it's not just a job, it's an adventure!" An adventure in mediocrity! Busey, Jones, Seagal! I just like saying that.
Hamlin Grade:3.5
Tit Counter:
Fletch is a killing word!
It's Wednesday, and unless you are a complete moron, or Fletch, you may have noticed a theme developing over the last few reviews. If you haven't figured it out at this point.....we are balls deep in Seagal........week. The Knights of the Bad Movie have decided to tackle the films of one of Hollywood's most versatile and accomplished actors....Steven Seagal. Rather than continue chronologically through Seagal's resume, I thought we would jump forward and explore some of Seagal's more recent work..... Exit Wounds.
In 2001, Exit Wounds marked the last time Seagal would appear on the big screen (at least in the U.S., as the rest of his films went direct to video or dvd). His stock was apparently dropping following the turn of the century so rather than carry the weight of the film on his shoulders he shared the burden with recording artist DMX. Exit Wounds also boasts an impressive supporting cast (for a Seagal picture) that includes Michael Jai White (the gentleman who played Spawn), Jill Hennessy (of television's Crossing Jordan fame, and of course Komodo), Tom Arnold, Anthony Anderson (who while being one of the funniest guys I've seen around lately, has quited possibly starred in more movies in the last 5 years than Ben Stiller, and at the same time, managed to prevent himself from being Stillered), and of course Bruce McGill (one of Animal House's stars, Daniel 'D-Day' Simpson Day...who would have thought that he and Kevin Bacon would be the only actors to go onto successful movie careers after this classic?).
Exit Wounds begins by painting Seagal's character Orin Boyd, as the typical rogue cop who doesn't get along with his superiors. While being a thorn in the side of his chief however, he does get results and is extremely resourceful. Boyd, arrives at the opening of the film to a speech being given by the Vice President of the United States who is promoting a stronger stance on gun control. Boyd, typical of his 'rogueness' arrives late much to the disdain of his chiefs, and catches the tail end of the speech. However on entering the audience area he does notice suspicious behavior being displayed by a few of the cops who are part of the V.P.'s motorcade. One of them is sporting an earring! Classic bad guy calling card! Earrings = Evil!
Being the tough rogue cop that he is, Boyd trails the motorcade which is eventually intercepted by a helicopter sporting some hefty artillery, which provides support to the imposter motorcycle cops who were part of the motorcade. Their objective is to kill the Vice President because he threatens to take away their fire arms through tougher legislation. Boyd arrives on the scene with a 9 millimeter (that has limitless ammo) and begins firing away at bad guys, depositing a minimum of 3 to 4 bullets within each. He commandeers a Chinese delivery truck and mows down one bad guy, which would have been a really sweet shot had the mannequin used in the cut not fallen apart as it hit the curb. Using another fake cop as a shield to protect himself and the V.P., Boyd kills his final adversary, and then turns his attention to the gun toting chopper. The sound effects guy really messed up in this scene because Boyd is firing a pistol, but the sound coming from it, was a fully automatic uzi, or mach 10, and the rate of fire was ridiculous. I'm sure Fletch has a buddy who specializes in weapons and combat tactics (to go along with his shark expert, and mountain climbing guru) that will say I'm wrong and that this is completely normal....to which I can only say, good call sir, thank you for pointing out my errors (if the guy knows about guns and hand to hand combat he would certainly fuck me up), and the next time we meet I would like to purchase all of your beers. After firing 50 rounds from his gun that can only hold 16 (15 in the clip, 1 in the pipe), we cut to a close up of bullets piercing a piece of sheet metal, followed by a marvelously detailed remote control helicopter exploding! No expense spared here.
After saving the Vice President, you would expect Office Boyd to be showered with awards and accolades, however this is just not to be. His chief and captain were upset about the way he handled the situation (of course because he's too violent) and try to fire him. Thanks to excellent union representation, the best they can do is transfer him to the 15th Precinct, located in the shittiest part of Detroit (funny I thought all of Detroit was the shittiest part of Detroit). Ummm assholes he saved the fucking Vice President of the United States from being assassinated! The whole premise of this movie is bullshit. Any cop doing what he did, would have been set for life! Ok so we must, as usual suspend disbelief, and follow this trail of tears story along with our hero Boyd.
Along with his transfer, he is also rewarded by being forced to attend anger management classes where he meets TV personality Henry Wayne (played by Tom Arnold), who later becomes Boyd's intelligence gatherer through his network of unnamed sources. Boyd, being the rogue bad ass cop that he is, begins to suspect there is a certain level of corruption hidden within the walls of the 15th Precinct, and begins his one man assault in search of truth, justice and arms broken at the elbow.
While Boyd has fallen on hard times, a young entrepreneur named Latrell Walker (played by DMX) is hitting full stride. Purchasing a brand new Lamborghini (or it could have been a ferrari, either way this car is sweet and I'm sure Tom Selleck would love to use it to run down Higgins and his two annoying dogs), Walker is in the midst of setting up a monster drug deal. He is so well financed that he has managed to purchase a few cops within the 15th Precinct....so Boyd's suspicions are based on some truth.
On his way home from anger management, after tooling on a group of thugs trying to boost his truck, Boyd spots T.K. Johnson (played by Anthony Anderson) spying on a building with a pair of binoculars and moves in. T.K. being the right hand man of Walker, immediately announces the presence of the police, and within the building Walker and his counterpart, cease their drug deal, and begin to flee...not before Boyd can get in there and lay a little sweet aikido on their asses however! Boyd faces off against Walker and the kid manages to hold his own against the martials arts expert with a combination of creative acrobatics and street fighting skills. Walker however does manage to escape, but Boyd is able to subdue the other gentleman involved in the deal. Much to Boyd's embarrassment he discovers that this man was an undercover cop named Matt Montini trying to make a drug bust.
Once again Officer Boyd has to eat a big fat shit sandwich, and this time he gets to enjoy it from the view of a traffic cop.....whistle, white gloves and all. Man does this guys life suck rabid donkey ass! I think if he had killed the Vice President his life wouldn't have been as bas as this!
The humiliation isn't finished by a long shot. Returning from his street corner management duties, he arrives in the Precinct Locker room to find the troops playing their own version of the TV show Jackass. Actually I think this show would be called Asshole. Taking turns, the cops play the who has the biggest cock game by tazing each other with a ....simple ....hand....tazer. Mortini and some jacked up Norwegian call Boyd out to try their reindeer games, but he declines. After some coaxing, Boyd agrees to be tazed at the same level as the Scandanavian, yet unbeknownst to him, the large man sets the tazer to full power. Boyd manages to handle the blast for a few moments before dropping to his knees. He recovers and beats the ass out of the giant. Before the fight can escalate further, Officer Lewis Strutt (played by Michael Jai White) breaks up the altercation. Strutt, welcomes Boyd, and explains that the new guys alway get hazed.....Hazing by Tazing! Great!
Redemption however is at hand. Boyd stumbles upon a heroin heist, at a facility used to store evidence and helps rescue several hostages. After viewing the security tapes he suspects the job was perpetrated by insiders and convinces his new Captain Annette Mulcahy (played by Jill Hennessy) to bump him up to patrol. He is united with his new partner George Clark and they begin to investigate Walker and T.K. through some good old fashion foot work, and through the intelligence connections of his TV and anger management buddy Henry Wayne. They make a startling discovery about Walker. Much like a Transformer, there is more than meets the eye! OK, total geek-check there, but more than appropriate! Latrell Walker is in fact a billionaire, and a computer programming genius, and a beneficiary of the dot.com era prior to it's demise. Walker also takes time to visit a local jail to spend time with Shaun Rollins, who it turns out is Walker's brother.
Boyd looking for answers, confronts Walker after an attempt is made on his life by the 15th Precinct's finest. Boyd and Walker throw down again, and once again Walker manages to hold his own. I have to give credit to Seagal, and the filmmakers here. This is the first time Seagal has ever faced off against an opponent that could actually provide him with a fight. Most of Seagal's counterparts, even the main bad guys at the end, offer up little to no resistance (Mabel King fighting Fletch scenario) thus leaving us unsatisfied. True, in an actual fight, Seagal would probably wear DMX's ass as a hat, but it was nice to see one of Seagal's characters actually have to break a sweat. After a few brief exchanges, Walker stops the fight and decides to explain to Boyd what he is all about. His operation is not about drug running, but rather the collection of video evidence of dirty cops. He is building a case to free his brother Shaun who was framed by the dirty cops on a fake drug charge. Walker has used his high tech computer skills to collect the video and plans to not only deliver it to the police, but broadcast the feed over the internet! Porn without the payoff! Sweeet!
Boyd views the current footage and sees Strutt, Mortini, and even the giant Norwegian all engaged in extra-curricular activities that are anything but legal. Boyd accompanies Walker to the drug buy he had previously setup with Strutt and they prepare to drop the hammer on them. Fortuanately for us, Seagal again has to face off against an adversary that is on par with him physically and perhaps as experienced a fighter in Strutt. They have an excellent battle though a garment factory, while silmultaneously Walker throws down with Mortini. Walker and Boyd both prove equal to the task by impaling their opponents on metal objects. Mortini throught the throat with a giants sewing needle, and Strutt threw the back on top of a Chimney pipe. Nice work and excellent balance gentlemen!
By saving the day, Boyd's former chief offers him a transfer back to his old department, and a blow job (just kidding about the blow job, but I still think it was implied in the body language), and he also free's Walker's brother from prison. Yes! Everyone is happy, so let's bust into a DMX tune shall we?
Exit Wounds is a bittersweet end to the big screen career of Seagal, who after this movie has since gone on a direct to dvd rampage the likes of which no one has ever seen. In Exit Wounds I think Seagal was actually beginning to swallow his pride and share center stage some more. Granted he took a supporting role in Executive Decision, which I still think was a good move for him, but it didn't really pay dividends....not at the level he was expecting anyway. The most important thing he was adressing was one of the biggest flaws in all of his movies. He was creating adversaries that would be worthy of fighting him, and getting away from this 'Superman' complex of his (let's be honest, all of the Superman movies blew ass, except for Superman 2.....why? Because he fought three people capable of killing him.....rather than a bald dude and a short fat guy who once spent time getting raped on the banks of a river) that allowed the fights to be more balanced and less one sided. Too little too late? Perhaps, but I still have stack of direct to dvd Seagal flicks to go through.....so maybe a lesson was learned? Who the fuck am I kidding?
Hamlin Grade: 3.5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Hard to Kill marks the return of Steven Seagal after he made his big screen debut in the 1988 classic Above the Law. I have to give credit where it's due here. Seagal really kicks some ass in this movie. Granted every fight is blatantly setup to maximize the exposure of his martial arts skills, (I believe Aikido is his art of choice, correct me if I'm wrong dorks) but when he starts tossing bad guys around and breaking their elbows and wrists with a variety of joint locks, it really doesn't matter.
Once again playing a police officer, this time named Mason Storm, he uncovers a politicians evil plot and eventually brings down the wrath of the law and mob on himself and his family in an effort to silence him. Mason Storm video tapes Vernon Trent (played by Bill Sadler), who is running for a seat in the Senate, cutting a deal with the mob to rub out his opponent and guarantee his election. Unfortunately for Storm, his cover is blown by some very corrupt cops in his department, and he and his family are Marked for Death (title of yet another classic Seagal film)!
Prior to returning home, Storm stops at a liquor store to obtain some spirits to enjoy with his wife while they watch the Oscars. While making his purchase, after a brief exchange with the store's owner, a group of shotgun toting bad guys enter.....their goals are immediately apparent. After pillaging the cash box, they shoot the clerk and prepare to do battle with Storm. Big error! This is the standard setup I was referring to earlier. The hoods could have just shot him, but why do that when they could fight him instead? Another great thing about this scene is that there are mats layed out all over the floors of the liquor store, in preparation for this martial arts demonstration. Storm kicks the shit out of three of them easily, and earns a shotgun as reward for his work, before facing his final opponent, a well tattooed gentleman played by Robert LaSardo. You've most certainly met Mr. LaSardo as he is typically cast as a thug, bad guy, criminal, or in this case 'punk'. Standing before Storm with only a knife, this is where any smart individual would flee. I mean he just beat the crap out of your buddies who were holding guns, and you are gonna fight him with a 5 inch knife? The punk however does not heed my advice. Storm in the first of many instances put's his rifle away as he deems it 'unfair', and takes him on hand to hand, and eventually tosses him through a display case of finely aged Scotch. An act that still to this day makes Fletch weep.
Returning home with his bottle of aphrodisiac, Storm liquors up his wife, and gets her ready for some sweet sweet love. Their night ends abruptly as Trent's henchmen enter the Storm household and turn their sex session into full blown orgy. Storm is shot twice and watches as his wife is killed before he passes out. His boy Sonny manages to escape through a window.
At the hospital which is populated with police, feds, internal affairs and even Vernon Trent who cleverly gives an emotional news broadcast that reduces him to tears.....diverting any attention away from him and his men. Storm is pronounced dead and the police make their ways to the exit, all except for Storm's friend Lt. O'Malley. Just before leaving O'Malley is grabbed by a doctor who says Storm now has a pulse and is in a coma. O'Malley quickly gathers the hospital staff, and proceeds to hide the fact that he is still alive and prepares to put Storm into his own personal witness protection program.
We find Storm many years later in the coma ward of a hospital where he is labelled a John Doe. Under the care and supervision of Nurse Andy Stewart (played by then wife Kelly LeBrock) she pines for the day he will one day wake because like any good nurse takes timeout to repeatedly check out his penis....to which she can only respond...'PLEASE WAKE UP'. There is little doubt in my mind that Nurse Stewart has ridden the coma hog in the past.
As luck would have it, Storm finally does arise from his deep sleep, and Nurse Stewart, moist with excitement, follows the instructions left by O'Malley. Unfortunately O'Malley has since left the department, so her phone call is intercepted by Trent's corrupt police officers who immediately plan to finish him off.
Barely escaping from the hospital, Stewart takes Storm to a secluded ranch home that she is house sitting for a doctor on research in China, Storm plans his revenge. He begins training in a very well equipped gym, a conveniently located mountain for running, and sets up a crude heavy bag like device made of a plank of wood wrapped in hemp and driven into the ground. Enter training montage.
Storm returns to his old house which is currently under new ownership, and also being sold. Pretending to be a potential buyer, he makes his way to the kitchen, and begins punching through the sheetrock within an alcove that at one time held the refrigerator. Behind the sheetrock wall, is the video camera and tapes that contain the evidence of Vernon Trent and his mafia friends cutting deals years earlier. Ok, lets break this down.....after obtaining some wine at the liquor store and returning home, he says "Honey, let me get you something to drink", which is a clever ploy to hide his camera, Storm pulls the refrigerator out, cuts a hole in the wall, places the camera and evidence behind the wall, replaces the sheetrock, spackles and tapes the sheetrock, waits 6 hours for the spackle to cure, then paints the wall so it appears as though its never been damaged, returns the refrigerator to it's original position, and then delivers the promised glass of wine to his wife moments later. Suspend disbelief? Or total bullshit?
After some clever detective work by Nurse Stewart, she finally makes contact with Storm's old friend Lt. O'Malley, via his mother. O'Malley has kept Storm's boy Sonny safe from harm since he escaped through the house window. Now reunited with his old friend, and knowledge of his still living child, Storm does the only thing he can. He works out. Enter second training montage. This montage ends with a twist however. Stewart enters the work out room, sporting a tight cocktail dress and brandishing a rose which she offers to Storm. "I thought you could use a rose", says Stewart, which as you all know is code for "Make me feel like a whore". Storm, gentleman that he is, obliges.
Fresh off a good work out and banging, Storm is ready to finish off Senator Vernon Trent (yes he was succesfully elected after Storm was taken out, the mob proceeded with their plans to remove Trent's political opponent....very similiar to how our current President won his first election). Easily breaking into Trent's mansion ( by breaking a basement window.....ummmm.....nice alarm system....ok suspend disbelief), Storm makes his way through the house from floor to floor, fighting bad guys along the way (thing Kung Fu the video game) including a sweet billiards room fight, that provides us with many examples of the versatility of the pool cue.
After a storm of beatings (I'm here all week!), Storm finally finds his wife's killer Senator Trent. The final battle is anything but. It's a rather one sided beating, as Storm tortures Trent for a few rounds prior to finishing him off. As Storm prepares to kill him, the cops bust into the mansion and reveal that they have seen his video and arrest Trent.
The rest of the movie is an overblown display of police officers and news reporters sucking off Storm and announcing to the world how fucking great he is. Hard To Kill is definitely one of Seagal's finer on screen moments, and accomplishments. As far as martial artist's go, his acting is probably among the best, I know that's not saying much, but when compared to the likes of Van Damme, Don 'The Dragon' Wilson, Jet Li, and Jackie Chan (in fairness to all of them, English is their second language), Seagal is an Academy Award winner. Seagal is good, but he is no Dolph Lundgren. Dolph Dolph.
Hamlin Grade: 4.5
TImothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
In 1988, Hollywood introduced us to a little known martial artist named Steven Seagal in a movie called Above the Law. Seagal, became famous in the martial arts world, as being the first Westerner to open a dojo in Japan after studying there for years (this could be total bullshit, but it's what I've heard, and rather than deny it's truth, I'm carrying it on like the good Bard that I am) which is briefly touched on in a dramatization during the opening of Above the Law. Seagal presented us with a new style of fighting called Aikido, that is drastically different and sometimes much more brutal than the techniques employed by then martial art stars Jean Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren and William Shatner.
Above the Law follows the exploits of Detective Nico Toscani of the Chicago Police Department. Toscani and ex- CIA operative (a theme that is carried out in almost every Seagal film following this one as a means to explain his extraordinary skills as a fighter, similiar to how Van Damme usually plays characters with ties to Belgium, France or New Orleans to explain his ridiculously thick and uncomprehensible accent) who left the agency after coming to blows with an asshole named Zagon (played by Bad Movie Knights favorite Henry Silva) in Vietnam. He is protected by his friend and the man who recruited him Nelson Fox (played by Chelcie Ross, the star pitcher from Major League, Ed Harris...remember "Hey Bartender, Jobu needs a refill!"). Little did Toscani know that he would one day have to face off against Zagon again.....but as fans of Henry Silva, we knew he would be much more than just a 3 minute cameo in this classic.
While off duty, Nico goes looking for his neice who is apparently a total whore and his shacked up with some drug dealer who lives above a shady downtown bar. In order to gain access to the drug dealer's pad, Detective Toscani, must first pound the ass out of all the bar patrons below.....and pound ass he does. After sufficiently beating down everyone, including his future nephew, the young man begins detailing the plans for a major drug deal that will take place in the meat packing district (no not Tom Cruise's house...that's in L.A).
Nico and his partner Jax (played by Pam Grier) along with most of his department, and the feds intercept the bust which is being orchestrated by Salvano (imagine a Latino Dudley Moore if you will) and discover that this transaction did not involve drugs at all. Buried within an engine block are plastic explosives called C-4, preferred weapon of the enemy,...no wait that's the AK-47 assault rifle. Thanks Clint!
After succesfully busting Salvano and his boys, the Feds intercede and take over the case. Reason being is that Salvano is a mole being used by the FBI to testify against a larger organization. The Feds ask the Chicago Police Force to stand down, and like any good cop Detective Toscani tells them to go fuck themselves. Try that at your job sometime when you disagree with something in a big corporate meeting. I assure you it will go over well.
Waging a one man war against Salvano, the Feds, and the CIA, Toscani faces all manner of obstacles which eventually bring about his arrest, and suspension from the force. His family (his wife is played by a 'pre-check out my vagina' Sharon Stone) is threatened so he has to hide them away while he goes into hiding to continue his investigation.
While on the lam, Toscani has several great man dances. First with a group of gentleman that arrive in a convertible Cadillac with a variety of creative weapons....including a machete.....this scene is basically Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, except the weapons are held by assholes, rather than the structure of the dome. Why is there always a dude with a gun that refuses to shoot? Granted if he killed Seagal the movie would be over, but who wouldn't shoot? Of course, machete man is dissarmed (literally!, he gets his arm cut off), and the rest of the gang are felled by a series of patented Seagal joint locks. The second group of douchebags heed my advice and open fire immediately on Toscani in his car. Of course he manages to slip free, and emerges behind the vehicle with his pistol drawn. 6 guys with machine guns....one skinny pony tail sporting guy with a pistol.....ummmm shoot? Of course not.....they all lay their weapons on the deck, and rather than have them lay down on the ground alongside their discarded firearms, Toscani escorts them into a tiny convenience store. What happens next is fairly predictable, because the fight mats have been thrown down all over the shop. This is a Seagal standard! Safety first! The mats are placed where ever his stunt men may be dropping, and by no means does it take away from the stupidity of the maneuver to bring these gentlemen into this shop for the sole purpose of eventually engaging them in close quarters combat. That being said....he fucks them all up, and makes sure he destroys every part of the store including the Slushee machine.
Toscani eventually discovers that Salvano is not just a small time drug dealer turned gun runner, but rather a cog in a larger machine that is the CIA. This agency has been funding wars (because we all know war is good business and very profitable....ask our President and Vice President!) and is preparing to begin another campaign, but a straight and narrow Senator is blocking their efforts. Thus in order to commence with their plans, Zagon is brought in to take out the senator.....see...full circle.
Toscani is the only thing standing in the way of Mr. Zagon and the agency's plans so they capture him on the eve of the operation. Bound to a chair, Toscani is beaten by Zagon, merely for entertainment, and even administers his 'truth serum' (I'm guessing it's sodium pentathol....it's the method I prefer when I'm conducting interrogations.... that and a massaging the cheakbones liberally with a phone book wrapped in burlap) prior to pulling out a blade to finish him off. Like most typical bad guys Zagon, drones on and on about how huge his dick is, and right before he goes to take care of Toscani.....he's loose. In a matter of moments, Toscani is on his adversaries and kills them all, saving Zagon for last, whom he then smashes his nose, slowly does that cool arm break thing, and then the old reverse head lock neck snap......fucking sweet!
Above the Law all in all is worth a viewing on your bad movie night. Granted I've seen much worse, and for a first timer, Seagal isn't too bad. In fact he out classed Sharon Stone who was fresh off the sets of Action Jackson (what the fuck happened to Carl Weathers? I suspect he really died when the Predator killed him....sad days my friends) and Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (HAHAHAHHA...oh wait, Guttenberg was in that one....ok yer still cool), but in fairness to her, as I said earlier, she didn't really hit her stride till she began acting with her vagina. Frankly, I couldn't think of better way of spending an afternoon than watching Seagal beat the shit out of dudes all day (other than watching the rape scene from The Accused over and over again)....forget the story, forget the acting, and tell the director to just shut the fuck up.....go Steve....yer up!
Hamlin Grade: 4
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Last week I was staring at my collection of shitty movies, which is growing at a cancerous rate mind you....and I came across an unopened vhs cassette. This unviewed gem was the Don 'The Dragon' Wilson classic, Bloodfist 2. I know, I know, I asked myself the same question. Why the fuck would I intentionally purchase this bad movie? Frankly you could say the same thing about every movie I have obtained and reviewed for you.....but Bloodfist 2?!? Surely I don't hate myself enough to sit through another Don 'The Dragon' Wilson epic. Or do I? Will viewing this movie be my pennance for wanting to rest forever within the well oiled arms of Patrick Swayze? Or was there a higher agenda so well calculated, that I merely forgot the genius of my plan? As it turns out...yes.
Curiosity, and a small amount of self loathing got the better of me, so Bloodfist 2 found its way into my VCR. For the record, this is the second time I've viewed a Don 'The Dragon' Wilson movie, the first being Ring of Fire 2: Blood and Steal, and this is also the second time I've not watched the previous installment of the film, opting in favor of the sequel. What is perhaps even more incredible is that there are actually 8 Bloodfists! I shit you not. What is more amazing still is the not so subtle gay undertones that the titles of these movies suggest....Ring of Fire, and Bloodfist? I defy you not to find titles like this in the adult section of Fletch's favorite video store (or in his personal porn collection).
Like any Don 'The Dragon' Wilson movie, Bloodfist 2 starts off with the big guy sporting his trademark mullet (not quite Melmet strength, but the lad does have potential) and abs, while beating the ass out of his opponent. Mr. Wilson stars as Jake Raye, a prize Kickoxer who is battling for the championship belt. He is clearly winning the fight, but something strange happens to his opponent during the fight that will change his life forever. His counterpart is given a drug (which we will find out more about later) that prevents him from feeling any pain. In the hands of a more effective fighter, this would perhaps be an advantage, however against Jake Raye, it just delays the inevitable. The beating continues on, and Raye shows concern that he is killing the man who just won't fall. After several well choreographed strikes, his opponent collapses to the mat and dies. Raye having just won the title, expresses his dissapointment, and pulls a page from every Tom Cruise movie, by retiring....quitting his sport forever, rather than face adversity! Great lesson kids!
Some time passes, and we find Jake Raye living the good life with a $2 whore (and that is being really generous) in a shitty apartment highlighted by the neon glow of a restaurant sign conveniently suspended outside of his window. Jake recieves a phone call from his friend Vinny (unfortunately the call came after the union with the whore) who explains that he is in Manila and in a great deal of trouble. Jake leaves immediately to help his friend.
When he arrives in the Far East, he visits a dojo where Vinny supposedly trained. Typical training type environment, with a ring, exercise equipment and of course multiple heavy bags.....and here we find the answer to the riddle. Striking away at one of these heavy bags is Sal Taylor, played by a Mr. Timothy D. Baker. It took me a few moments, but finally I recognized the man and the reason why this pile of shit was sitting in video collection. Timothy Baker is not only a world reknowned martial artist and kickboxing champion, but his greatest credit, is that he played Tom Stillwell, Jason's father in No Retreat No Surrender. I just can't seem to let this movie go. Unlike his previous cast members Mr. Baker continued to act until 1997, and is still somewhat of a pillar of the Hollywood community as a media director who helps outfit some of todays top television programs with original music. Mr. Baker once again brings his 'A' game and delivers a performance on par with that of his previous one in No Retreat No Surrender.
Jake Raye, unable to find his friend Vinny, does however find trouble in the form of mafia henchmen. Of course there is series of beatings at the hands of Raye, he is eventually felled by superior numbers and kidnapped. Upon reviving from a pistol whipping induced nap, Jake realizes that he has been rounded up with a large group of former and current martial arts superstars (apparently in real life most of the guys are real bad asses, but I think you really have to be in 'the know' to recognize them....or just read the back of the movie's box). Their captor finally reveals himself and his sadistic plans for them. They have been take to the island fortress of the evil Mr. Su. He has arranged a tournament, in which these martial artists will have to battle against his fighters to the death, in front of his wealthy friends for entertainment. Su also has an alterior motive, and secret which could prove deadly to the fighters. His combatants will be using a drug, a steroid of sorts, that is completely undetectable, and takes effect shortly after ingestion. This is the same drug the fighter that Jake Raye killed in the beginning of this nightmare took. The steroid, not only makes the man stronger, but impervious to pain. Su is using the tournament as a means to market the drug to his gambling friends so they can fix future fights.
In the arena, Jake Raye has discovered his buddy Vinny, has betrayed him, and actually lured him here to fight in the tournament. Vinny is now in the employ of Su, and is one of his fighters. One by one, the fighters enter the arena as Su and his friends place wagers, and one by one, the kidnapped martial artist are killed. Until Sal Taylor steps into the ring! Yes my boy Tim Baker does it again! He is the first fighter to turn the tide and defeat his steroid raged opponent, giving hope to his fellow captors. The next few fighters appear to follow Sal's lead, until Vinny jumps into the ring and quickly kills the fighter. Jake enters the ring and calls out Vinny and the two try and act their way through a Ben Kenobi / Anakin Skywalker 'you betrayed me sequence' style sequence.....and actually do a better job than Ewan MacGregor and Hayden Christansen did (although that isn't saying much). Jake eventually defeats Vinny and kills him, and then rallies the prisoners to a full scale revolt.
Important note. If you are surrounded by 50 guys with automatic rifles, all you need is karate to defeat them. Bullets are no match for a well placed spinning crescent kick....I always say. Essentially this plucky crew of martial artists punch, kick and spout cheesy lines en route to their freedom....which is glorified in a beautifully framed crane shot. Bloodfist 2 is exactly what you should expect it to be. A massive helping of freshly toasted shit. How they continued this movie onto Bloodfist 8: Trained to Kill, is mind boggling. This marks the last time (and I really mean it) that I will ever view a Don 'The Dragon' Wilson movie. It will also be the last time we memorialize a cast member from No Retreat No Surrender, not so much because of desire, but thankfully, most of the cast went back to cooking french fries at your favorite fast food establishment.....a career that none of them should have left.
Hamlin Grade: 3
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
 The Melmet (inspired by the lovely and very flexible Cornelius) is a tribute to when hairstyles go from bad, to just plain fucking out of line. Sporting some of the worst lids Hollywood has ever witnessed, Mel Gibstein is the paramount offender of this elite circle of follicle marauders.
Whether he is fighting the Brits, freeing the Scots, dispatching mutant Australians, playing a cop, or being dragged from his car by cops, you will always find the Melmet.
TImothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
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