REVIEW: The Outsiders
Let's do it for Johnny man! Let's not. Tell you what. Fuck Johnny, and fuck you too Dally!
It's the 8th grade, your English Literature class, and you have just endured 3 torturous months of dissecting an amazingly overrated book called The Outsiders. Your reward for this hell, that is only punctuated by the lack of air conditioning and your classmates who have yet to discover this turn of the century invention referred to as anti-perspirant ..... is a visit from the AV kid (AV stands for Audio Visual, for you guys not down with the lingo). Wheeling in a television that weighed more than a Pontiac Electra, our hero prepares our afternoon's entertainment (because no one else could possibly plug a TV in) by top loading a vhs tape into a coffin sized video player. The lights dim, the credits roll, and OH FUCK!!! They made a movie about this fucking piece of shit! Oh yes they did.
Similiar to Malcolm MacDowell in A Clockwork Orange, I sat in the back of the classroom screaming 'I'm gonna be sick'....but much like him, my cries went unanswered. The Outsiders. If a film could ever be one's nemesis, this one is mine. Beyond the fact that we had to read this mess, and of course discuss every minute detail to it's painful and bitter end, I had to watch it's adaptation on the screen. I can still here my teacher saying things like "Patrick, what was Pony Boy thinking while hiding away with Johnny?", and "What does the fight between the Greasers and the Socs symbolize at the end?" I'll tell you what you fucking bitch, Pony Boy is thinking why do have the gayest name in this book, and violence is apparently the most effective way to solve my problems as I grow up! Great lessons to instill in my fragile little mind. Maybe that's why I'm so angry today. Great job teacher.
Honestly throughtout this movie all I did was fantasize about being picked to play Asteroids on Channel 11, and yell PIXX, PIXX, PIXX over the telephone in a effort to blow away space rocks and win a tote bag that I would be too embarrassed to carry at school. What I did manage to ingest, was quite simple. The Outsiders is about a bunch of rejects from Grease, that end up fighting a group of douche bag models from a London Fog catalog. Any movie that casts C. Thomas Howell as the lead is destined to be awful, and this movie surely doesn't break out of that stigma.
C. Thomas and his best friend the Karate Kid, end up killing one of the Socs and have to go on the lam. They end up living in a pretty sweet place that is a major improvement over the home that is stuffed with some of Hollywood's future elite, including Matt Dillon, Patrick Swayze, Tom Cruise (yes Maverick is in this movie!), Emilio Estevez, and Rob Lowe. Dally (played by Matt Dillon) visits them and then there's a fire at a school house, so they try to rescue the kids, but the Crane Technique fails the Karate Kid and he is injured and has to goto the hospital. C. Thomas is consoled by the Coach of the Mighty Ducks and then they get together to have a big rumble with the Socs at the end, where he gets his ass kicked all over the place. That's the movie pretty much in a nut shell.
The greatest thing about The Outsiders is that everyone dies. Son of a bitch, if only that were true. However it's true greatness lies in the fact that C. Thomas Howell and Ralph Macchio got top billing over the rest of the cast, and who's careers faded faster than the stars of Troll 2. For all intents and purposes this movie is a glorified pre-quel to Red Dawn, another classic that is worthy of our vengeance. The only thing that the Outsiders taught me....is that I learned more by watching the Terminator.
Hamlin Grade: 1
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
Comments
All right, I respect the reasons for your hating this book, I really do. And as a film, it's more than a bit flawed. But that's what makes it such a great film for BMK! I mean the thing was directed by Francis Ford Coppala! What else is he ever going to be more embarrassed by in his life? Well, okay, "The Godfather: Part III." Right, guess we've also got to include Rumblefish. But look at this cast: Matt Dillon, Ralph Macchio, Patrick Swayze, Rob Lowe,
Emilio Estevez, Tom Cruise, Diane Lane, Leif Garrett (wait, I'll say it again, Lief fucking Garrett) and wait for it......................................................
wait for it..........................................................................................
wait for it..........................................................................................
Tom Waits! Yes, Tom Waits! I don't care how well Tom Waits acts in the film, he was fucking in "The Outsiders!" Ah, hah, hah, hah! That to me is worth at least a few Hamlins. This movie is just too fun to rip on to give it simply one Hamlin!
Posted by: Big Daddy Yum Yum | July 14, 2006 12:02 AM
I concur with Mr. Yum Yum in that this movie does deserve more Hamlins. This film gave birth to slew of mediocre actors who would later star in countless bad movies. Hey how about that C. Thomas Howell!! You can't fight the powerful performance he provides in The Hitcher! Yeah, that Randy(D. Daton) seems like a "soc" you can trust but just wait till he swallows that homing device and gives up your location to those Commie bastards ( see Red Dawn review coming soon!) Mr. Yum Yum, your interest in Leif Garrett ( commonly referred to as the Sweet Leif here at BMK) got me poking around and found he will soon star in Celebrity Fear Factor! The Sweet Leif alone is a fear factor!
Your review painted a vivid picture of time spent sweating in the classroom watching bad, bad movies. In that regard Pat, I can't thank you enough for dredging up the painful memories of adolescence. However, I weep for the public school system you grew up in. You had to read The Outsiders! That has about as much literary relevance as a choose your own adventure or a Mad Lib if you will. Loosen up on the Hamlins buddy, it does have your man crush Swayze!
Posted by: Fletch | July 14, 2006 01:27 PM
You both bring excellent points to the table, however, this movie, just thinking about it gives me the dump sweats. Perhaps I graded it harsher than it should have been, but such is my privelege as a Knight of the Bad Movie. Fuckin' Dally. I hated that bastard.
Good call out on the homing beacon swallowing guy. Remember his line 'I would have let those kids burn'...was this a precursor to Donald Sutherland in Backdraft? 'What do you want to do to the world Ronald?'. 'Burn it. Burn it all'. To that I can only say.....Shadow noooooo.
Posted by: pat | July 14, 2006 02:00 PM
I burned her.
Posted by: Fletch | July 14, 2006 02:41 PM
I don't know, I think Coppala would be proud of Godfater III. Especially of his daughter Sophia's performance. I get chills just thinking about it.
Posted by: Anonymous | July 14, 2006 02:47 PM
I got the douche chills now too.....Sophia Coppala is frightening. The best part of G3 was watching her get gun downed on the steps of the Vatican.....then laughing my ass off as Pacino and Garcia pretended to care!
Posted by: Dalton's Disciple | July 14, 2006 03:08 PM
You guys are too funny!!! Nice patrick! "Ill tell you what you fuckin bitch!" haha pony boy is the gayest name ever! But his brother soda, I think that was his name, played by Rob Lowe, is fuckin hottt!!!!
<33
Posted by: Jazlyn | July 17, 2006 04:08 PM
Sorry Jaz, Soda was played by the great Emilio Estevez....Gordon Bombay, Head Coach of the Mighty Ducks....EMMMMILLLIOOOOO!
Posted by: pat | July 17, 2006 04:43 PM
Actually Patrick, I have to correct you on that, Sodapop was played by Rob Lowe. Sodapop Curtis is Pony boy's brother and Emilio played Two-bit, which is just a friend. haha and you thought I didnt know what I was talking about!!!!! But he is still hotttt!!!
Posted by: Jazlyn | July 17, 2006 05:01 PM
I stand corrected....Soda was Rob Lowe....but no one is hotter than Swayze!
Posted by: pat | July 18, 2006 12:00 AM
I have to agree as well this at least deserves 3 hamlins. I mean it has Patrick Swayze, C. Thomas Howell and Rob Lowe. These three guys alone overshadow Tom Cruise's vortex of suck. Plus it's so full of homoerotic moments that it's become a favorite of teenage girls. However the movie needed Michael Pare. Then this would've been a surefire 10 Hamlin classic.
Posted by: Ryan | December 18, 2006 09:07 PM
The ousiders is fucking shit! it has nothing on rumble fish,and the person who said rumble fish is a bad film can GO FUCK HIMSELF/HERSELF.the only reason i watched this shit was because i thought matt dillon was the main guy,but ...he's not and its just full of little queer boys,running around pretending to be hard.especially that fucking little gimp "ponygayboy".rob lowe? who the fuck is that nobody? yeah exactly.and tom cruise trying to act hard? yeah fucking RIGHT! this film is just PLAIN GAY!the only people who probably like this SHIT ,are 13 year old girls.
Posted by: Rusty james | September 21, 2007 12:01 PM
And i just realised that the guy who plays "ponyboy" is the same guy from the hitcher.he was actually decent in that.
the ousiders still sucks cock though.
Posted by: Rusty james | September 21, 2007 12:06 PM
And i just realised that the guy who plays "ponyboy" is the same guy from the hitcher.he was actually decent in that.
the ousiders still sucks cock though.
Posted by: Rusty james | September 21, 2007 12:06 PM